Anyone else feel completely alone?

[Anonymous]

I'm happily marrired but DH has a demanding job, 70 hour weeks. No kids yet. We're newish to the area--moved here 3 years ago from Orgeon. No family or support networks here. I'm an only child and my parents live in California, so I've always felt lonely here, especially because I only see my parents once a year. DH's family is cold and disinterested, and they live in Miami. When DH isn't around or on a business trip, I feel completely and utterly alone. I am a social person, and enjoy being around people, and I don't like being alone because it makes me feel incredibly lonely. I don't have any sense of belonging here. I have made new 2 friends here, but they're not the kind of friends I could count on. I work fill-time but don't feel a sense of belonging at work. I don't feel that DH and I belong here or anywhere, we can't seem to find our social niche. It's a very depressing feeling. Just started seeing a therapist but not sure this issue is something I can ever really resolve without making more new friends who would be like a surogate family here. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives and has no time for me, and no one reciprocates when I reach out to invite people to lunch or to do an activity. Does anyone else feel this way? I find it very hard to cope with these feelings of extreme loneliness and isolation.

[Anonymous]

It's not you, it's DC. I would get back to Oregon ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not you, it's DC. I would get back to Oregon ASAP.

Well, that isn't an option due to jobs, but I appreciate the thought.

[Anonymous]

I too have a DH with long hours and we live away from family. Do you have some time to volunteer? Even a few hours at a nursing home will give you a boost. Before kids I started helping at an Alzheimers Unit doing some gardening and even though most of the residents didn't usually know I was there, the caregivers gave me a renewed sense of faith in good people (they do such tireless work!) and they so appreciated my time.

Is there a book club or something in your area? I have lots of friends who really enjoy theirs (I have small kids now so getting a sitter is an issue for me) a garden club? a church choir?

[Anonymous]

I can relate, OP, and I'm sorry you're feeling down.
I think marriage and a move can be a lot for some people (it was for me) and the additional bit of having no one familiar nearby doesn't help.
Talking with a professional might help, but I also think you need to get connected: join some groups, make some couple friends, find some hobbies, etc. There is nothing g more humbling than being part of a group, so get out there.

FWIW, my grandparents and parents passed away within a short time of one another, my nephew just died and my only sibling can't bear that I have children, so we don't talk. I feel alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you feel this way. Making friends in a big city can be hard. Do you think it is mostly circumstances or partly personality that makes it more difficult? I'm guessing it may be a bit of both, which is why you've decided to see a therapist. I hope that helps you discover how things you think and feel, and situations in your past, may influence your current social interactions.

On a practical level, have you thought about either taking a class in the evening or doing volunteer work? Both of these things can be great for meeting people with common interests while doing something productive. Do you belong to a faith-based group, such as a church or synagogue? If this is an option for you, it's another good way to meet and connect with others.

Do you have a pet? I know that my dog is a great source of comfort to me on those evenings when I'm alone or feeling sorry for myself. Just a thought.

Can you talk to your DH about this? Is there a way to spend a little more time with you on weekends so you can do a few things together?

I hope you feel better soon! Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happily marrired but DH has a demanding job, 70 hour weeks. No kids yet. We're newish to the area--moved here 3 years ago from Orgeon. No family or support networks here. I'm an only child and my parents live in California, so I've always felt lonely here, especially because I only see my parents once a year. DH's family is cold and disinterested, and they live in Miami. When DH isn't around or on a business trip, I feel completely and utterly alone. I am a social person, and enjoy being around people, and I don't like being alone because it makes me feel incredibly lonely. I don't have any sense of belonging here. I have made new 2 friends here, but they're not the kind of friends I could count on. I work fill-time but don't feel a sense of belonging at work. I don't feel that DH and I belong here or anywhere, we can't seem to find our social niche. It's a very depressing feeling. Just started seeing a therapist but not sure this issue is something I can ever really resolve without making more new friends who would be like a surogate family here. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives and has no time for me, and no one reciprocates when I reach out to invite people to lunch or to do an activity. Does anyone else feel this way? I find it very hard to cope with these feelings of extreme loneliness and isolation.

I think you need to think about what would make you happy, what you really need to feel connected. And, then, actively seek it out. Do you want to be here? How old are you? (I guess that is an important question.) In my 30s, I never had any problem finding people to hang out with. I could see it being a bit trickier if you are in your 40s, without kids (b/c most people in your age range will have kids, and therefore different interests). Where you live is also an issue. If you are out in the 'burbs, that will be tougher. But, in DC there are SO MANY groups and organizations and activities . . . so back to my original point, you need to decide what it is you want. Three new friends to see three times a week? Or? I think you can find it, you just need to be a bit more goal oriented.

[Anonymous]

I can relate, in a different way. Sometimes I feel like I hate my life. Though my DH is pretty awesome, so I don't often feel alone per se. But when I'm feeling down, I do feel disconnected from my spiritual beliefs etc.

OP, I would stick it out in therapy and really pay attention to what helps you feel more connected to others.

[Anonymous]

"If you want a friend in DC, get a dog."

- Harry Truman

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm from this area, born in DC and spent my high school years in this area and I still find it's hard to connect with friends and really, really hard to make new ones. But I work at it - keeping in touch with my friends, making plans, putting them on the calendar, not worrying about reciprocation - that's how I make new friends and maintain the relationships I already have.

I second the recommendation to volunteer. Also, if there are people you like at work, ask them to join you for coffee on a Saturday or invite them to dinner with their SO and your DH. You have to put yourself out there in DC because friends aren't going to come find you. As importantly, you've got to really work to see them and connect with them semi regularly. It means that managing your social life does to some degree become a bit of work (follow up on e-mails, make phone calls, extend invitations, make stuff happen). I keep waiting for my social life to become a self sustaining thing, but it never does. I have to keep it going. But it's worth it; I have developed a group of really wonderful friends who I care about and who care about me.

That said, it is hard. Hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm happily marrired but DH has a demanding job, 70 hour weeks. No kids yet. We're newish to the area--moved here 3 years ago from Orgeon. No family or support networks here. I'm an only child and my parents live in California, so I've always felt lonely here, especially because I only see my parents once a year. DH's family is cold and disinterested, and they live in Miami. When DH isn't around or on a business trip, I feel completely and utterly alone. I am a social person, and enjoy being around people, and I don't like being alone because it makes me feel incredibly lonely. I don't have any sense of belonging here. I have made new 2 friends here, but they're not the kind of friends I could count on. I work fill-time but don't feel a sense of belonging at work. I don't feel that DH and I belong here or anywhere, we can't seem to find our social niche. It's a very depressing feeling. Just started seeing a therapist but not sure this issue is something I can ever really resolve without making more new friends who would be like a surogate family here. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives and has no time for me, and no one reciprocates when I reach out to invite people to lunch or to do an activity. Does anyone else feel this way? I find it very hard to cope with these feelings of extreme loneliness and isolation.

I think you need to think about what would make you happy, what you really need to feel connected. And, then, actively seek it out. Do you want to be here? How old are you? (I guess that is an important question.) In my 30s, I never had any problem finding people to hang out with. I could see it being a bit trickier if you are in your 40s, without kids (b/c most people in your age range will have kids, and therefore different interests). Where you live is also an issue. If you are out in the 'burbs, that will be tougher. But, in DC there are SO MANY groups and organizations and activities . . . so back to my original point, you need to decide what it is you want. Three new friends to see three times a week? Or? I think you can find it, you just need to be a bit more goal oriented.

OP here--if only it was as easy as you make it sound to make friends and feel conncected. I am in my mid-30's, and I have found it very difficult to find people to hang out with. Extremely difficult. But I think part of that is because we're a married couple without kids in the burbs. Everyone I meet out here in the burbs grew up here or has family and extensive social support networks here, and they're not really looking to make more friends. The two friends I've made out here in the burbs also either grew up here or have extensive social support networks here, but they were looking to make more friends. However, most women just aren't. They're wrapped up in their lives, aren't interested in me, and are already crazy busy.

I have tried many different things: I've been in a book club for over a year (which has been a nice experience, and I've made some acquaintances, but no one who has reciprocated my inviting them to do things), I'm a member of a religious congregation (have made some acquaintances, but same thing, no one seems interested in making friends), and I volunteer once a week at one organization and twice a month with another organization (again, have made some acquaintances, but same deal). So I'm definitely getting out there as much as I can while working full-time, and meeting people, but I have yet to find a place or activity where I feel like I belong or feel like I've really found my social niche. I am certainly open to joining more groups/trying new ways to meet people. But I think it's a larger issue of feeing that I just don't belong here or anywhere. This area doesn't feel like "home," and I don't think it will until I have a social support network, which hasn't happened yet and I don't think it ever will.

What it would take for me to feel a sense of belonging/connectedness is 4 or 5 good friends who I can call to meet up once in awhile when DH is working, or when I feel lonely, or who will call me to chat on the phone once in awhile (my phone never rings). Friends who I could celebrate holidays with (since we celebrate every holiday alone), who would invite me to their holiday celebrations and who we might take vacations with.

[Anonymous]

Get a new job, go back to school part-time. Join a bible stdy, definitely volunteer- volunteErmatch.org

[Anonymous]

Volunteermatch.org

[Anonymous]

OP, I second the PP who asked how old you are and what type of neighborhood you live in.

I was in your position a few years ago. I've actually lived here for quite some time, but was in need of some new friends (some I outgrew, some moved away, etc.). I put up an ad on craigslist for a new book club. I did not have high expectations, so the book club that came together from my ad kind of blew me away. We've stuck together for a few years now, and I am thankful I've had the chance to meet four of the kindest, smartest, most down-to-earth women.

A couple of things I did that I think helped: 1) kept within a close-ish age range (I was 31 at the time, the range was approx. 28-38), 2) kept it small -- there are 6 of us, 3) made living close to my neighborhood one of the requirements. I didn't want people to have to travel all over the DC metro area -- I wanted to make it easy for everyone.

Good luck OP! There are lots of people out there who, like you, are looking to connect with people and make new friends. You just have to find them.

[Anonymous]

I already answered the question of how old I am--mid 30's, and that I live in the burbs (in a very unfriendly neighborhood unfortunately). Like I already mentioned, I already volunteer--once a week with one organization and twice a month with a different organization. I can't do much more in the volunteering department with already working full-time. Volunteering is not the connecting panacea that some people think it is. I have made some lovely acquaintances volunteering, but have not been able to make actual friends and don't feel a sense of connection with my volunteering. I enjoy the activity, but there's not that sense of belonging. Most of my fellow volunteers are retirees, which makes it more difficult to make girlfriends.