Anyone else feel completely alone?

[Anonymous]

OP read your posts, really read them, the negativity oozing out of them is appalling. You are not going to make any friends with that attitude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm happily marrired but DH has a demanding job, 70 hour weeks. No kids yet. We're newish to the area--moved here 3 years ago from Orgeon. No family or support networks here. I'm an only child and my parents live in California, so I've always felt lonely here, especially because I only see my parents once a year. DH's family is cold and disinterested, and they live in Miami. When DH isn't around or on a business trip, I feel completely and utterly alone. I am a social person, and enjoy being around people, and I don't like being alone because it makes me feel incredibly lonely. I don't have any sense of belonging here. I have made new 2 friends here, but they're not the kind of friends I could count on. I work fill-time but don't feel a sense of belonging at work. I don't feel that DH and I belong here or anywhere, we can't seem to find our social niche. It's a very depressing feeling. Just started seeing a therapist but not sure this issue is something I can ever really resolve without making more new friends who would be like a surogate family here. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives and has no time for me, and no one reciprocates when I reach out to invite people to lunch or to do an activity. Does anyone else feel this way? I find it very hard to cope with these feelings of extreme loneliness and isolation.

I think you need to think about what would make you happy, what you really need to feel connected. And, then, actively seek it out. Do you want to be here? How old are you? (I guess that is an important question.) In my 30s, I never had any problem finding people to hang out with. I could see it being a bit trickier if you are in your 40s, without kids (b/c most people in your age range will have kids, and therefore different interests). Where you live is also an issue. If you are out in the 'burbs, that will be tougher. But, in DC there are SO MANY groups and organizations and activities . . . so back to my original point, you need to decide what it is you want. Three new friends to see three times a week? Or? I think you can find it, you just need to be a bit more goal oriented.

OP here--if only it was as easy as you make it sound to make friends and feel conncected. I am in my mid-30's, and I have found it very difficult to find people to hang out with. Extremely difficult. But I think part of that is because we're a married couple without kids in the burbs. Everyone I meet out here in the burbs grew up here or has family and extensive social support networks here, and they're not really looking to make more friends. The two friends I've made out here in the burbs also either grew up here or have extensive social support networks here, but they were looking to make more friends. However, most women just aren't. They're wrapped up in their lives, aren't interested in me, and are already crazy busy.

I have tried many different things: I've been in a book club for over a year (which has been a nice experience, and I've made some acquaintances, but no one who has reciprocated my inviting them to do things), I'm a member of a religious congregation (have made some acquaintances, but same thing, no one seems interested in making friends), and I volunteer once a week at one organization and twice a month with another organization (again, have made some acquaintances, but same deal). So I'm definitely getting out there as much as I can while working full-time, and meeting people, but I have yet to find a place or activity where I feel like I belong or feel like I've really found my social niche. I am certainly open to joining more groups/trying new ways to meet people. But I think it's a larger issue of feeing that I just don't belong here or anywhere. This area doesn't feel like "home," and I don't think it will until I have a social support network, which hasn't happened yet and I don't think it ever will.

What it would take for me to feel a sense of belonging/connectedness is 4 or 5 good friends who I can call to meet up once in awhile when DH is working, or when I feel lonely, or who will call me to chat on the phone once in awhile (my phone never rings). Friends who I could celebrate holidays with (since we celebrate every holiday alone), who would invite me to their holiday celebrations and who we might take vacations with.

OP, I feel your pain.

I think this area is unfriendly and it's difficult to create meaningful relationships here. I have lived here for the past 15 years and have 2 good friends I can actually count on, who reciprocate and want to hang out. I am the same age as you, my DH works long hours. I do have children and I thought that that would create some friendships for me and it really hasn't. Preschool mom's have their little group, they seem unfriendly no matter how hard I tried to initiate conversation they look at me like I have six heads. I have also joined bookclubs, volunteered etc and have made no real friendships out of any of those experiences. I, too woud love to have a couple of great friends who really care about me, who aren't fake and would make the time to have some fun girl time. I have given up and don't try so hard anymore. I have several hobbies I enjoy, when I have me time I explore the city by myself sometimes, I challenge myself with new and exciting things (going back to school and learning a new language.) Basically I make my own fun and happiness.

It would be nice if some of us "lonely" people met, instead of meeting those who are too busy, stressed or self absorbed to create new friendships. These types of threads have become pretty regular and I think it's so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP read your posts, really read them, the negativity oozing out of them is appalling. You are not going to make any friends with that attitude

Why don't you get yourself another cup of coffee. Maybe that will take the grumpy away.....

[Anonymous]

OP, where do you live? NOVA? I am in my mid-30s though I do have young kids. If we lived close by, I would love to meet up. I too struggle with making friends. Most of mine from pre-kids days live all over the DC area. I feel like my neighborhood is unfriendly too, though perhaps it's just a perception I have b/c I work and I see many SAHMs who are able to meet up during the week day.

[Anonymous]

OP I will be your friend! It is hard here. I have been here 6 years and like one of the ops keep trying to make connections but people are so busy or already have a group and don't want more. Like you, I am I'd thirties, married no kids. My husband travels a lot. He has friends here but I only have 2 that I see sporadically. I met them at work. Hang in there... We are out here.

[Anonymous]

OP, I posted earlier with some suggestions. I know it's hard to make friends around here. Also, and I hope you hear this as constructive and not a criticism, I think you may be depressed. I get the sense the larger issues of non-belongingness go beyond being childless and stuck in the suburbs. You mentioned a little of your family history, and I wonder if (like so many of us) you carry a sense of isolation with you from earlier life experiences? If this resonates with you at all, then I think you've made a good decision by seeing a therapist in addition to trying to get more involved in activities. This isn't to deny that there may be very practical obstacles to your feeling more connected to others, just to point out that being alone in a new city may be triggering earlier feelings and making things more complicated for you. This would make some sense given that it sounds like you've been trying to get involved socially but aren't having much luck in feeling better.

[Anonymous]

OP read your posts, really read them, the negativity oozing out of them is appalling. You are not going to make any friends with that attitude

I agree with this (sorry). You also sound so needy and that may be putting people off.

Since you have limited time because of work, I would drop some volunteering and perhaps join a group that focuses on a hobby or interest you may have, so you already have something in common with the other people. Also maybe expand the age range that you are willing to be friends with. Since you are in your mid 30's with no kids, it may be hard to find others in that age range without kids. What about people mid 40's and beyond? Generally their kids are older so they have more flexiblity in terms of time and energy.

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree with a few other previous posters. If your self absorbed and negative attitude that is coming across in your posts comes across when you meet people, I would probably ignore you too.

I love meeting new people and new friends. But you are right, I am busy. If you are not interested in my life (with kids) and don't have the interest to change your idea of what is "fun" to come to my place and hang out, we're not going to get to know each other. You're welcome to come here for happy hour or a weekend BBQ, and then I can get to know you for as long as you want to hang out, but if you think I have time to leave my family and house to listen to you talk, sorry, not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I agree with a few other previous posters. If your self absorbed and negative attitude that is coming across in your posts comes across when you meet people, I would probably ignore you too.

I love meeting new people and new friends. But you are right, I am busy. If you are not interested in my life (with kids) and don't have the interest to change your idea of what is "fun" to come to my place and hang out, we're not going to get to know each other. You're welcome to come here for happy hour or a weekend BBQ, and then I can get to know you for as long as you want to hang out, but if you think I have time to leave my family and house to listen to you talk, sorry, not going to happen.

Thank you for giving us an example of the unfriendly attitudes in this area. You and people like you are the reason it's so difficult to make friends. Why don't you reread your post and see how nasty your are in the comments and assumptions you make. Self absorbed and negative is exactly what resonates from YOUR post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I agree with a few other previous posters. If your self absorbed and negative attitude that is coming across in your posts comes across when you meet people, I would probably ignore you too.

I love meeting new people and new friends. But you are right, I am busy. If you are not interested in my life (with kids) and don't have the interest to change your idea of what is "fun" to come to my place and hang out, we're not going to get to know each other. You're welcome to come here for happy hour or a weekend BBQ, and then I can get to know you for as long as you want to hang out, but if you think I have time to leave my family and house to listen to you talk, sorry, not going to happen.

Thank you for giving us an example of the unfriendly attitudes in this area. You and people like you are the reason it's so difficult to make friends. Why don't you reread your post and see how nasty your are in the comments and assumptions you make. Self absorbed and negative is exactly what resonates from YOUR post.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op. You tube greg laurie, and check out greg's harvest website. You will never regret it. God loves you.

[Anonymous]

I think y'all should organize a Meet Up at a location convenient to you. I think part of the challenge is your suburban locale. It's challenging to be young and childless in the burbs. People in the 'burbs are really caught up in commuting, tending to the estate and schlepping their children to activities. In the city at least, you are more likely to find similarly situated adults when volunteering, etc.

So all you like minded women out there in the 'burbs need to help a sister! Organize a Meet Up just as a way to get to know each other. It can be like the new Welcome Wagon. I don't think it's DC per se that's the problem but the DC lifestyle that has evolved over the years - too much work not enough community. As a native, I can assure you it wasn't always this way.

If I lived near you, I would organize it. I love meeting new people. The important thing is to keep an open heart.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think "4 or 5 good friends" is too ambitious. All you really need is one good friend, maybe two, and then a good number of friendly acquaintances.

A few suggestions--reach out to your family and old friends regularly by phone, skype, whatever. I'm from here but my best friend lives in Philly, and she is still the person I call or email when it counts. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone that's known you since you had braces.

Also, don't just be a joiner, be the organizer. It's fine to belong to groups, but taking on a leadership position is how you really get to know people and become entrenched.

Join smaller sub-groups. If you are in a church, join the chorus. If you are in a volunteer organization, join the board. Etc.

Start a daily coffee/tea/ice cream run at work, or start a lunchtime walking group. Work friends are a different beast from real friends, but they can become true friends over time, or at least close acquaintances.

Some groups are more social than others for some reason, so keep trying. Something like tennis or a musical ensemble where you meet regularly and share a passion, but also have plenty of time to socialize, might fit the bill. I think people say "volunteer" as a knee jerk reaction, but many volunteer opportunities don't actually offer opportunities to see the same people over and over again to develop relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP or anyone else, my social life could use some rejuvenation due to some friends relocating. I live in DC, early forties, with week-night availability. Email me at tenstone2003atyahoo.com.

[Anonymous]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzqTFNfeDnE&list=PLA774935FDE9D9A6D&feature=plpp_play_all