Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

DP. Though I disagree with the PPs, and do believe that “growing apart” is a thing, it’s also(often) the non-political equivalent of a dog whistle.

I think that in can happen, but that doesn't mean you can't still be friends. I kept my neighborhood friends and school friends separate so maybe that why it didn't really happen to me. But, even as we grew up, interests changed and some kids got a little busier, we were still friends and always made time for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

My DD has outgrown several friends because they have different interests. And then she has " outgrown" some because she did not feel like the friendships were healthy.

If her old friends with different interests called and said they wanted to go ice-skating with her or go swimming with her( two activities she loves), she will be happy to go with them.

If the second group calls, she'll politely decline because she no longer likes these kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

DP. Though I disagree with the PPs, and do believe that “growing apart” is a thing, it’s also(often) the non-political equivalent of a dog whistle.

I think that in can happen, but that doesn't mean you can't still be friends. I kept my neighborhood friends and school friends separate so maybe that why it didn't really happen to me. But, even as we grew up, interests changed and some kids got a little busier, we were still friends and always made time for each other.

I’m the PP you’re quoting. Just to clarify, I DO think that OP’s kid is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

You're assuming that OP's DD was unintentionally tactless. Now reimagine the text exchange where she was intentionally cruel. Because OP dodging the million "what did she actually say" questions points to the second option much more than the first.

[Anonymous]

Is the situation that the other texted to ask OP’s daughter to hang out, and that instead of just saying she was busy, the daughter said no, I’m hanging out with x,y, and z? And then the other girl asked to join, and the DD said no, you can’t join us?

That would totally be, “You can’t sit with us!” Instead, OP’s DD could have just said, no, I’m sorry but I’m busy. The thing is, girls (and sometimes women) sometimes take a little pleasure in that whole “You can’t sit with us!” thing. I’ve done it. Haven’t most of us? And it is mean.

The other mom is in the wrong, for sure. But look at how the OP framed it: “Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls.” Didn’t you click on that expecting that the friend group in question was a teen girl friend group? And instead it’s about the OP’s group of mom friends. But it’s posted in Tweens and Teens. Mom is kind of centering herself here, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

Nobody is saying the other mom was right to do what she did. Nobody is saying the teens shouldn’t figure it out on their own.

I’m asking you, would you really say no to a friend (invited to your recent birthday party) who wanted to join you in hanging out with other friends? If you did, would it be mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

If you’re an adult, you’re the absolute weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

You're assuming that OP's DD was unintentionally tactless. Now reimagine the text exchange where she was intentionally cruel. Because OP dodging the million "what did she actually say" questions points to the second option much more than the first.

Why would OP come back? Never understood that comment, it’s not the gotcha you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

If you’re an adult, you’re the absolute weirdo.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

DP. Though I disagree with the PPs, and do believe that “growing apart” is a thing, it’s also(often) the non-political equivalent of a dog whistle.

I think that in can happen, but that doesn't mean you can't still be friends. I kept my neighborhood friends and school friends separate so maybe that why it didn't really happen to me. But, even as we grew up, interests changed and some kids got a little busier, we were still friends and always made time for each other.

I’m the PP you’re quoting. Just to clarify, I DO think that OP’s kid is a mean girl.

I know you do! I may have added my comment at the wrong place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

You're assuming that OP's DD was unintentionally tactless. Now reimagine the text exchange where she was intentionally cruel. Because OP dodging the million "what did she actually say" questions points to the second option much more than the first.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

Nobody is saying the other mom was right to do what she did. Nobody is saying the teens shouldn’t figure it out on their own.

I’m asking you, would you really say no to a friend (invited to your recent birthday party) who wanted to join you in hanging out with other friends? If you did, would it be mean?

Maybe it was a ticketed event. Maybe there were only so many seats in mom’s minivan. Maybe the friend group is going to make out with boys at the movie theatre and the other girl is still playing with her American girl dolls. Do you have teens or tweens? Girls mature at radically different rates than each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

You're assuming that OP's DD was unintentionally tactless. Now reimagine the text exchange where she was intentionally cruel. Because OP dodging the million "what did she actually say" questions points to the second option much more than the first.

Why would OP come back? Never understood that comment, it’s not the gotcha you think it is.

OP did come back, multiple times. She just never answered the most important question. She said herself DD "should have been" nicer, and when asked what was actually said she dodged the question. It's not a "gotcha," it's a message board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

If you’re an adult, you’re the absolute weirdo.

Kids are allowed to have preferences! Would you really invite a friend over again if she was awful the last time?