Explain to me the financial risk of SAH if partner is a high earner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

Yes, I had no idea about his financial transactions, he started moving things around 5 years prior telling me he no longer wanted to be married. He really planned everything ahead, like a chess game. I was lucky to get out with my settlement just because I knew too much about him, and that was some leverage

[Anonymous]

Read nothing. You are their submissive. The power dynamic is unbalanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:women file for divorce 80 - 90% of the time which indicates that men are not the ones who predominantly leave the marriage.
If you are concerned about his "leaving" you then your risk is relatively low. You are more likely to leave the marriage than he is.
If he is making 2+ million a year, then the child support will be significant and you will get 50% of all marital assests.
This looks like low risk-high-reward in your favor to me. In other words, his labor results in community property that you, through no-fault divorce, can take 50% at any time.
Also at 2+ million a year, you will not be doing any significant house work because you can hire cleaners.

You are worried for nothing. He, on the other hand, should be scared out of his mind.

+1000000

I’m part of a 600k HHI and we mostly need my income. My husband is earning about 400k of it.

I can’t imagine my husband making millions a year but me to continue this 200k job under the slim chance he decides to divorce me. Life is short and I don’t get a lot of joy from working. I don’t dislike it but I enjoy traveling and hobbies way more. How sad would that be to miss out on ski trips out west just so I can continue a paper pushing job so my husband doesn’t leave me and our kids destitute?

If ski slopes are more important to you than 30% chance of being potentially destitute in retirement and kids not having college education (yes, college accounts under husband control are easily emptied, too) then indeed you can stay home. I regret not having an easy paper pushing job (remote preferably so I could still enjoy traveling).

Superfund some 529s and be the owner. That is what I did. And once the 5 years is up, I am going to super fund them again. Just do not be dumb. Be involved in your finances. If your husband is not the kind of guy who is ok with this, don’t give up your job.

Alternatively don’t procreate with the type of man who would liquidate 529s upon divorce.

If things are that bad and he’s being that hateful then I don’t see exactly what having a job would even do for you. This guy apparently wiped out millions of dollars, liquidated a 401k, moved money offshore and then closed his kids’ 529s? That’s all a special kind of evil and I’m not sure being gainfully employed is really going to improve things that much.

Right. That kind of guy is going scorched earth regardless of your $100k job or not.

[phone]

The 100-200k job isn’t going to do that much for you if you’re divorcing a man like that. A man like that will also try to keep your kids from you. In a situation like that you’re better off just staying married and trying to ignore the DH. Not worth all of that drama and he’s likely busy at work anyway.

This makes no logical sense. With a 100k job, you have a paycheck coming every two weeks. That is vastly different than having no paycheck. In the scenario where funds are dispersed or cut off, the person with the 100k job is in a far better position than the person with no job. This is basic logic.

I guess? I just don’t think it will make a huge difference. Your drop in lifestyle will still be huge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

Yes, I had no idea about his financial transactions, he started moving things around 5 years prior telling me he no longer wanted to be married. He really planned everything ahead, like a chess game. I was lucky to get out with my settlement just because I knew too much about him, and that was some leverage

So you didn’t monitor joint accounts for five years???

Sorry but your story sounds like an outlier.

[Anonymous]

These posts are interesting. I actually don’t know anyone in high net worth circles who gets divorced. But I’m in an affluent area on the east coast and maybe that’s why. Divorce is embarrassing. Two highly educated people with kids stay together and keep the family home and any vacation properties. People absolutely cheat but divorcing isn’t really a thing. Divorce is for trashy people from Dallas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These posts are interesting. I actually don’t know anyone in high net worth circles who gets divorced. But I’m in an affluent area on the east coast and maybe that’s why. Divorce is embarrassing. Two highly educated people with kids stay together and keep the family home and any vacation properties. People absolutely cheat but divorcing isn’t really a thing. Divorce is for trashy people from Dallas.

Really ? People do divorce at any income levels it’s increasingly common in midlife. It’s impossible to control all earnings of your spouse if he has a variety of compensation (options, owns different companies himself etc - we don’t walk about W2 employees at this level)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:women file for divorce 80 - 90% of the time which indicates that men are not the ones who predominantly leave the marriage.
If you are concerned about his "leaving" you then your risk is relatively low. You are more likely to leave the marriage than he is.
If he is making 2+ million a year, then the child support will be significant and you will get 50% of all marital assests.
This looks like low risk-high-reward in your favor to me. In other words, his labor results in community property that you, through no-fault divorce, can take 50% at any time.
Also at 2+ million a year, you will not be doing any significant house work because you can hire cleaners.

You are worried for nothing. He, on the other hand, should be scared out of his mind.

+1000000

I’m part of a 600k HHI and we mostly need my income. My husband is earning about 400k of it.

I can’t imagine my husband making millions a year but me to continue this 200k job under the slim chance he decides to divorce me. Life is short and I don’t get a lot of joy from working. I don’t dislike it but I enjoy traveling and hobbies way more. How sad would that be to miss out on ski trips out west just so I can continue a paper pushing job so my husband doesn’t leave me and our kids destitute?

If ski slopes are more important to you than 30% chance of being potentially destitute in retirement and kids not having college education (yes, college accounts under husband control are easily emptied, too) then indeed you can stay home. I regret not having an easy paper pushing job (remote preferably so I could still enjoy traveling).

Superfund some 529s and be the owner. That is what I did. And once the 5 years is up, I am going to super fund them again. Just do not be dumb. Be involved in your finances. If your husband is not the kind of guy who is ok with this, don’t give up your job.

Alternatively don’t procreate with the type of man who would liquidate 529s upon divorce.

If things are that bad and he’s being that hateful then I don’t see exactly what having a job would even do for you. This guy apparently wiped out millions of dollars, liquidated a 401k, moved money offshore and then closed his kids’ 529s? That’s all a special kind of evil and I’m not sure being gainfully employed is really going to improve things that much.

Right. That kind of guy is going scorched earth regardless of your $100k job or not.

[phone]

The 100-200k job isn’t going to do that much for you if you’re divorcing a man like that. A man like that will also try to keep your kids from you. In a situation like that you’re better off just staying married and trying to ignore the DH. Not worth all of that drama and he’s likely busy at work anyway.

This makes no logical sense. With a 100k job, you have a paycheck coming every two weeks. That is vastly different than having no paycheck. In the scenario where funds are dispersed or cut off, the person with the 100k job is in a far better position than the person with no job. This is basic logic.

I guess? I just don’t think it will make a huge difference. Your drop in lifestyle will still be huge.

Much easier to ramp up if you’ve been working than if you haven’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These posts are interesting. I actually don’t know anyone in high net worth circles who gets divorced. But I’m in an affluent area on the east coast and maybe that’s why. Divorce is embarrassing. Two highly educated people with kids stay together and keep the family home and any vacation properties. People absolutely cheat but divorcing isn’t really a thing. Divorce is for trashy people from Dallas.

Same. The really wealthy people I know stay together but live separately because he doesn’t want to give her half his net worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

I think they would respect that the person has drive and ambition and accomplishments that have nothing to do with their role as a wife and mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

Ah more people who know the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

That sounds like an issue with your DH being an entitled ass. I’m a woman and I make more than that in taxes. But I have lots of friends who make around that, and they’re in extremely respectable, challenging jobs. Their husbands definitely see that as a major asset, and weren’t interested in a wife who wasn’t using that part of her brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

I think they would respect that the person has drive and ambition and accomplishments that have nothing to do with their role as a wife and mother.

Someone making millions of dollars likely won’t think someone with 200k really has drive, ambition and accomplishments. Sorry but that’s the truth.

I’m a working professional and I sure hope my husband values my role as a wife and mother way more than my paper pushing job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

That sounds like an issue with your DH being an entitled ass. I’m a woman and I make more than that in taxes. But I have lots of friends who make around that, and they’re in extremely respectable, challenging jobs. Their husbands definitely see that as a major asset, and weren’t interested in a wife who wasn’t using that part of her brain.

New Poster here. So you take issue with that man demeaning your work (indirectly, by saying it’s not worth the time to work if you’re not making big money)). So now you’re going to demean her by claiming she does not use her brain?

What is wrong with you? Do you not see you are part of the problem??

This whole thread is really gross. It’s just a bunch of catty women blaming each other for their different choices when really we should be blaming our common enemy.