Why are people here so averse to pushing their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

wut? parents play literally no role in mental health issues, except for passing their genetic propensities.

This is an uneducated statement.

Here’s one of many common sense examples that proves you wrong:

Parent is a violent alcoholic who chronically abuses spouse and child over multiple years. Home is unstable as a result. Child endures violence and lives in fear.

Later, as an adult, that child suffers from depression and anxiety.

Do you think their violent and abusive parent played “literally no role” in creating those “mental
health issues, except for padding their genetic properties”???

This thread is getting a little confusing but I said it was uneducated to say parents played literally no role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

wut? parents play literally no role in mental health issues, except for passing their genetic propensities.

This is an uneducated statement.

Here’s one of many common sense examples that proves you wrong:

Parent is a violent alcoholic who chronically abuses spouse and child over multiple years. Home is unstable as a result. Child endures violence and lives in fear.

Later, as an adult, that child suffers from depression and anxiety.

Do you think their violent and abusive parent played “literally no role” in creating those “mental
health issues, except for padding their genetic properties”???

this doesn't prove anything. alcoholism is highly heritable and so are other mental issues.

also, while severe abuse might have some effect (no evidence whatsoever that it has even moderate effect, btw), people here are saying that, say, expecting good grades has similar effect.

Nice strawman. No, no one has said expecting high grades has the same effect of the abuse of an addict parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

wut? parents play literally no role in mental health issues, except for passing their genetic propensities.

This is an uneducated statement.

Here’s one of many common sense examples that proves you wrong:

Parent is a violent alcoholic who chronically abuses spouse and child over multiple years. Home is unstable as a result. Child endures violence and lives in fear.

Later, as an adult, that child suffers from depression and anxiety.

Do you think their violent and abusive parent played “literally no role” in creating those “mental
health issues, except for padding their genetic properties”???

this doesn't prove anything. alcoholism is highly heritable and so are other mental issues.

also, while severe abuse might have some effect (no evidence whatsoever that it has even moderate effect, btw), people here are saying that, say, expecting good grades has similar effect.

Nice strawman. No, no one has said expecting high grades has the same effect of the abuse of an addict parent.

+1000

Having high expectations and expecting your kids to perform well in school is a long term benefit to their health. Nothing like having an alcoholic parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

+1

I agree with this based on observing the community around me - at least in most cases. Often it's a matter of degree. The underlying issue would be there no matter what (a genetic/chemical tendency towards anxiety or depression) but the parents' behavior (pressure/demands) escalates the underlying issue rather than difuses it.

But I don't have any research to back this up. Would you be willing to share a source or two?

(I think Wendy Grolnick's work speaks to this, but I'm not sure. https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415 )

-1

You are gross, PP. We know many families where one kid is perfectly mentally fine and the other kid has severe depression or anxiety. Blaming parents for their kids' mental health issues is disgusting.

Read what I wrote - GENETICS + environment.

Siblings share sone genes but certainly not all. One may have a genetic predisposition while the other sibling doesn’t.

For the sibling who does not have the predisposition, parental behavior likely won’t have an influence on mental health (unless it’s awful, traumatic parental behavior, and no one is talking about this here!!)

But for the sibling who is genetically predisposed to depression/anxiety, I think it’s crazy to be so certain parental behavior has no impact. Just as positive interventions can help steer things in a healthy direction, loving but misguided behavior could have a negative impact.

Nothing about this is talking about all kids and all parents.

But if a child is genetically predisposed to anxiety/depression, I think it’s irresponsible and outright cruel for parents to intentionally apply strong and consistent pressure on a kid to achieve with academics or sports (or popularity or appearance/weight). In that case, yes, the parent is doing harm.

LMAO! You are insane. Expecting your kid to do well in school is not contributing to their anxiety and depression. Actually, having high expectations of kids has been shown to benefit their mental health and self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

+1

I agree with this based on observing the community around me - at least in most cases. Often it's a matter of degree. The underlying issue would be there no matter what (a genetic/chemical tendency towards anxiety or depression) but the parents' behavior (pressure/demands) escalates the underlying issue rather than difuses it.

But I don't have any research to back this up. Would you be willing to share a source or two?

(I think Wendy Grolnick's work speaks to this, but I'm not sure. https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415 )

-1

You are gross, PP. We know many families where one kid is perfectly mentally fine and the other kid has severe depression or anxiety. Blaming parents for their kids' mental health issues is disgusting.

Read what I wrote - GENETICS + environment.

Siblings share sone genes but certainly not all. One may have a genetic predisposition while the other sibling doesn’t.

For the sibling who does not have the predisposition, parental behavior likely won’t have an influence on mental health (unless it’s awful, traumatic parental behavior, and no one is talking about this here!!)

But for the sibling who is genetically predisposed to depression/anxiety, I think it’s crazy to be so certain parental behavior has no impact. Just as positive interventions can help steer things in a healthy direction, loving but misguided behavior could have a negative impact.

Nothing about this is talking about all kids and all parents.

But if a child is genetically predisposed to anxiety/depression, I think it’s irresponsible and outright cruel for parents to intentionally apply strong and consistent pressure on a kid to achieve with academics or sports (or popularity or appearance/weight). In that case, yes, the parent is doing harm.

LMAO! You are insane. Expecting your kid to do well in school is not contributing to their anxiety and depression. Actually, having high expectations of kids has been shown to benefit their mental health and self-esteem.

It’s all in the execution though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

+1

I agree with this based on observing the community around me - at least in most cases. Often it's a matter of degree. The underlying issue would be there no matter what (a genetic/chemical tendency towards anxiety or depression) but the parents' behavior (pressure/demands) escalates the underlying issue rather than difuses it.

But I don't have any research to back this up. Would you be willing to share a source or two?

(I think Wendy Grolnick's work speaks to this, but I'm not sure. https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415 )

-1

You are gross, PP. We know many families where one kid is perfectly mentally fine and the other kid has severe depression or anxiety. Blaming parents for their kids' mental health issues is disgusting.

Read what I wrote - GENETICS + environment.

Siblings share sone genes but certainly not all. One may have a genetic predisposition while the other sibling doesn’t.

For the sibling who does not have the predisposition, parental behavior likely won’t have an influence on mental health (unless it’s awful, traumatic parental behavior, and no one is talking about this here!!)

But for the sibling who is genetically predisposed to depression/anxiety, I think it’s crazy to be so certain parental behavior has no impact. Just as positive interventions can help steer things in a healthy direction, loving but misguided behavior could have a negative impact.

Nothing about this is talking about all kids and all parents.

But if a child is genetically predisposed to anxiety/depression, I think it’s irresponsible and outright cruel for parents to intentionally apply strong and consistent pressure on a kid to achieve with academics or sports (or popularity or appearance/weight). In that case, yes, the parent is doing harm.

LMAO! You are insane. Expecting your kid to do well in school is not contributing to their anxiety and depression. Actually, having high expectations of kids has been shown to benefit their mental health and self-esteem.

It’s all in the execution though.

Be specific pls. For example, one pp mentioned removing screen time privilege if not straight As, how will that impact kids mental health? The following discussions seem to indicate that it will hurt the kids in the long run. How exactly to have high expectations while without any external positive or negative feedbacks? Just do nothing and trust capable kids would naturally want to study and keep good grades? What’s if the kids internal drive points to video games or social media?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

Did it work? Meaning, did the work ethic last past the time in which they are under your control (in college, there would be monetary control.)

OP here. DC is a rising HS senior, so only the future will tell. But what I do know is that NO ONE I know IRL has told me that they regret their parents pushing them -- it's only "I'm so grateful that my parents pushed me."

I don’t regret it but my parents do. I moved out really early and was only visiting on holidays by the time I was 20. I was a hard worker, so I got a full time job to support my own apartment when they still tried their method of pushing and then threatened to cut me off financially when I wanted to go my own way in college. Be careful how you push, OP. It took many years to repair that relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

+1

I agree with this based on observing the community around me - at least in most cases. Often it's a matter of degree. The underlying issue would be there no matter what (a genetic/chemical tendency towards anxiety or depression) but the parents' behavior (pressure/demands) escalates the underlying issue rather than difuses it.

But I don't have any research to back this up. Would you be willing to share a source or two?

(I think Wendy Grolnick's work speaks to this, but I'm not sure. https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415 )

-1

You are gross, PP. We know many families where one kid is perfectly mentally fine and the other kid has severe depression or anxiety. Blaming parents for their kids' mental health issues is disgusting.

Read what I wrote - GENETICS + environment.

Siblings share sone genes but certainly not all. One may have a genetic predisposition while the other sibling doesn’t.

For the sibling who does not have the predisposition, parental behavior likely won’t have an influence on mental health (unless it’s awful, traumatic parental behavior, and no one is talking about this here!!)

But for the sibling who is genetically predisposed to depression/anxiety, I think it’s crazy to be so certain parental behavior has no impact. Just as positive interventions can help steer things in a healthy direction, loving but misguided behavior could have a negative impact.

Nothing about this is talking about all kids and all parents.

But if a child is genetically predisposed to anxiety/depression, I think it’s irresponsible and outright cruel for parents to intentionally apply strong and consistent pressure on a kid to achieve with academics or sports (or popularity or appearance/weight). In that case, yes, the parent is doing harm.

LMAO! You are insane. Expecting your kid to do well in school is not contributing to their anxiety and depression. Actually, having high expectations of kids has been shown to benefit their mental health and self-esteem.

It’s all in the execution though.

Be specific pls. For example, one pp mentioned removing screen time privilege if not straight As, how will that impact kids mental health? The following discussions seem to indicate that it will hurt the kids in the long run. How exactly to have high expectations while without any external positive or negative feedbacks? Just do nothing and trust capable kids would naturally want to study and keep good grades? What’s if the kids internal drive points to video games or social media?

Imagine if instead of simply removing screen time for months as the poster said, the parent actually helped the child assess the issue (eg, carelessness? Lack of understanding the material? Time management?) and then brainstormed on strategies to assess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

Did it work? Meaning, did the work ethic last past the time in which they are under your control (in college, there would be monetary control.)

OP here. DC is a rising HS senior, so only the future will tell. But what I do know is that NO ONE I know IRL has told me that they regret their parents pushing them -- it's only "I'm so grateful that my parents pushed me."

I don’t regret it but my parents do. I moved out really early and was only visiting on holidays by the time I was 20. I was a hard worker, so I got a full time job to support my own apartment when they still tried their method of pushing and then threatened to cut me off financially when I wanted to go my own way in college. Be careful how you push, OP. It took many years to repair that relationship.

I missed OP’s follow up. I appreciate your reply PP. Yes, my parents pushing helped me gain the skills to get away from them. However, if they actually wanted me to have higher grades (my parents didn’t care out all the extras and thought they were a waste of time), then there were way better ways to make sure I understood the material than nagging and shaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

+1

I agree with this based on observing the community around me - at least in most cases. Often it's a matter of degree. The underlying issue would be there no matter what (a genetic/chemical tendency towards anxiety or depression) but the parents' behavior (pressure/demands) escalates the underlying issue rather than difuses it.

But I don't have any research to back this up. Would you be willing to share a source or two?

(I think Wendy Grolnick's work speaks to this, but I'm not sure. https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415 )

-1

You are gross, PP. We know many families where one kid is perfectly mentally fine and the other kid has severe depression or anxiety. Blaming parents for their kids' mental health issues is disgusting.

Read what I wrote - GENETICS + environment.

Siblings share sone genes but certainly not all. One may have a genetic predisposition while the other sibling doesn’t.

For the sibling who does not have the predisposition, parental behavior likely won’t have an influence on mental health (unless it’s awful, traumatic parental behavior, and no one is talking about this here!!)

But for the sibling who is genetically predisposed to depression/anxiety, I think it’s crazy to be so certain parental behavior has no impact. Just as positive interventions can help steer things in a healthy direction, loving but misguided behavior could have a negative impact.

Nothing about this is talking about all kids and all parents.

But if a child is genetically predisposed to anxiety/depression, I think it’s irresponsible and outright cruel for parents to intentionally apply strong and consistent pressure on a kid to achieve with academics or sports (or popularity or appearance/weight). In that case, yes, the parent is doing harm.

LMAO! You are insane. Expecting your kid to do well in school is not contributing to their anxiety and depression. Actually, having high expectations of kids has been shown to benefit their mental health and self-esteem.

It’s all in the execution though.

Be specific pls. For example, one pp mentioned removing screen time privilege if not straight As, how will that impact kids mental health? The following discussions seem to indicate that it will hurt the kids in the long run. How exactly to have high expectations while without any external positive or negative feedbacks? Just do nothing and trust capable kids would naturally want to study and keep good grades? What’s if the kids internal drive points to video games or social media?

Imagine if instead of simply removing screen time for months as the poster said, the parent actually helped the child assess the issue (eg, carelessness? Lack of understanding the material? Time management?) and then brainstormed on strategies to assess.

That last word should be address not assess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

+1

I agree with this based on observing the community around me - at least in most cases. Often it's a matter of degree. The underlying issue would be there no matter what (a genetic/chemical tendency towards anxiety or depression) but the parents' behavior (pressure/demands) escalates the underlying issue rather than difuses it.

But I don't have any research to back this up. Would you be willing to share a source or two?

(I think Wendy Grolnick's work speaks to this, but I'm not sure. https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415 )

-1

You are gross, PP. We know many families where one kid is perfectly mentally fine and the other kid has severe depression or anxiety. Blaming parents for their kids' mental health issues is disgusting.

Read what I wrote - GENETICS + environment.

Siblings share sone genes but certainly not all. One may have a genetic predisposition while the other sibling doesn’t.

For the sibling who does not have the predisposition, parental behavior likely won’t have an influence on mental health (unless it’s awful, traumatic parental behavior, and no one is talking about this here!!)

But for the sibling who is genetically predisposed to depression/anxiety, I think it’s crazy to be so certain parental behavior has no impact. Just as positive interventions can help steer things in a healthy direction, loving but misguided behavior could have a negative impact.

Nothing about this is talking about all kids and all parents.

But if a child is genetically predisposed to anxiety/depression, I think it’s irresponsible and outright cruel for parents to intentionally apply strong and consistent pressure on a kid to achieve with academics or sports (or popularity or appearance/weight). In that case, yes, the parent is doing harm.

LMAO! You are insane. Expecting your kid to do well in school is not contributing to their anxiety and depression. Actually, having high expectations of kids has been shown to benefit their mental health and self-esteem.

It’s all in the execution though.

Be specific pls. For example, one pp mentioned removing screen time privilege if not straight As, how will that impact kids mental health? The following discussions seem to indicate that it will hurt the kids in the long run. How exactly to have high expectations while without any external positive or negative feedbacks? Just do nothing and trust capable kids would naturally want to study and keep good grades? What’s if the kids internal drive points to video games or social media?

Imagine if instead of simply removing screen time for months as the poster said, the parent actually helped the child assess the issue (eg, carelessness? Lack of understanding the material? Time management?) and then brainstormed on strategies to assess.

What if it’s simple don’t care? Some kids need that external push to be able to put effort on things they don’t naturally enjoy that much. They might change latter or simple recognize the importance of being responsible regardless internal preferences when become more mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

+1

I agree with this based on observing the community around me - at least in most cases. Often it's a matter of degree. The underlying issue would be there no matter what (a genetic/chemical tendency towards anxiety or depression) but the parents' behavior (pressure/demands) escalates the underlying issue rather than difuses it.

But I don't have any research to back this up. Would you be willing to share a source or two?

(I think Wendy Grolnick's work speaks to this, but I'm not sure. https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415 )

-1

You are gross, PP. We know many families where one kid is perfectly mentally fine and the other kid has severe depression or anxiety. Blaming parents for their kids' mental health issues is disgusting.

Read what I wrote - GENETICS + environment.

Siblings share sone genes but certainly not all. One may have a genetic predisposition while the other sibling doesn’t.

For the sibling who does not have the predisposition, parental behavior likely won’t have an influence on mental health (unless it’s awful, traumatic parental behavior, and no one is talking about this here!!)

But for the sibling who is genetically predisposed to depression/anxiety, I think it’s crazy to be so certain parental behavior has no impact. Just as positive interventions can help steer things in a healthy direction, loving but misguided behavior could have a negative impact.

Nothing about this is talking about all kids and all parents.

But if a child is genetically predisposed to anxiety/depression, I think it’s irresponsible and outright cruel for parents to intentionally apply strong and consistent pressure on a kid to achieve with academics or sports (or popularity or appearance/weight). In that case, yes, the parent is doing harm.

LMAO! You are insane. Expecting your kid to do well in school is not contributing to their anxiety and depression. Actually, having high expectations of kids has been shown to benefit their mental health and self-esteem.

It’s all in the execution though.

Be specific pls. For example, one pp mentioned removing screen time privilege if not straight As, how will that impact kids mental health? The following discussions seem to indicate that it will hurt the kids in the long run. How exactly to have high expectations while without any external positive or negative feedbacks? Just do nothing and trust capable kids would naturally want to study and keep good grades? What’s if the kids internal drive points to video games or social media?

Imagine if instead of simply removing screen time for months as the poster said, the parent actually helped the child assess the issue (eg, carelessness? Lack of understanding the material? Time management?) and then brainstormed on strategies to assess.

What if it’s simple don’t care? Some kids need that external push to be able to put effort on things they don’t naturally enjoy that much. They might change latter or simple recognize the importance of being responsible regardless internal preferences when become more mature.

Or they never care and you killed every possibility for intrinsic motivation to develop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

You might want to read The Coddling of the American Mind. https://www.thecoddling.com/ Not saying you are doing all of it. But you might be doing some of it. Pushing like this does not build grit and resilience. Now, if your kid were pushing themselves to try their best, and pushing themselves to be outside their comfort zone, then they would be building grit and resilience. If you are the motivation, you are the failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

With this language, it's clear you aren't interested in answers, but in telling parents how they are wrong. Might be better to just rephrase it.

Also, extracurricularly is not a word.

Right? This is so obviously asked in bad faith. Like there's no middle ground between making your kid do the hardest everything and just letting them do whatever they want.

OP here. Not asking this in bad faith, genuinely curious.

What do you mean "middle ground?" Can you give me a few examples of what you mean by middle ground? I think I've taken a few with my own kid (letting them choose their own instrument but still requiring that they play one, letting them switch sports when they got to high school). But that middle ground still requires pushing.

Fuuuuck the instrument thing. My kid goes to a private school and they require this through 8th grade. I can’t wait to throw his instrument out the window.

My older son has no time for a job or instruments. He plays 2 varsity sports and one travel sport. He is also a math tutor for free through Mu Alpha Theta. I don’t need to push my kids. They do the right thing. Maybe yours aren’t natural high achievers and if that’s the case they probably hate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

+1

I agree with this based on observing the community around me - at least in most cases. Often it's a matter of degree. The underlying issue would be there no matter what (a genetic/chemical tendency towards anxiety or depression) but the parents' behavior (pressure/demands) escalates the underlying issue rather than difuses it.

But I don't have any research to back this up. Would you be willing to share a source or two?

(I think Wendy Grolnick's work speaks to this, but I'm not sure. https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415 )

-1

You are gross, PP. We know many families where one kid is perfectly mentally fine and the other kid has severe depression or anxiety. Blaming parents for their kids' mental health issues is disgusting.

Parents parent every child different. Every.single.child.

No one is saying there is not some mild genetics at play. But environment plays a massive role, especially in early childhood and puberty.