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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dc knows no screen time for 1 month with every B on report card starting middle school. I’m well aware of the risk that they might play video games all day long in the future when I have no control of their devices. The hope is they’ll have better self-control when older. Now 10th grade, still straight A. So at least works for now. [/quote]

Your kid is likely doing it because of EXTERNAL motivation - i.e. fear of negative consequences imposed by you, the parent.

Maybe once your DC leaves the house and goes to college, this will somehow be transformed into INTERNAL motivation - i.e. doing it because they want to or according to their own internal system of values.

I hope so. Otherwise you’re either going to have to cut the cord and watch as they try to discover self-motivation in college, or they’ll wash out because mommy and daddy aren’t breathing down their neck anymore. (Or you’ll continue on the hands-on path - as one of those overly-involved, boundary-less parents who knows when their college kid’s tests/papers are due and nags/reminds/checks in to see if they’re on track.  :roll: [/quote]

That might be true. I guess it’s because I do a lot of thing for external motivation. I work hard for higher income and promotions, or because of fear of no job.  
I don’t think it’s that bad. They  might fail later, or they fail now. Even I let them be now, there is no guarantee they’ll be self motivated later. Also, some of the external factors (such as grades) will impact their lives for a long time. [/quote]

All true.  The issue is that by acting as their external motivator, you are crowding out their ability to develop internal/natural motivation.

You have made youreslf both the goal-setter and the enforcer when it comes to their success and achievement.  Literally, the way you've set it up, their "job" is to please you.

To me, this is not developmentally appropriate for teenagers unless they are failing or truly incapable of doing it themselves because of a developmental disability.

As for you being externally motivated yourself, that's fine if it works for you.  But there are other - more healthy - ways to find motivation.  Yes, we all need money and don't want to get fired.  But that feels negative and fear-based.

Internal motivation is related to that good feeling we have inside -- when we do a great job on something, accomplish something we value, learn something that interests us etc.  It's INTERNAL - meaning it's because WE value it, not just because our boss or friends or "society" values it.  (Or in your DC's case, because their parent values it.)

You do you, of course.  But I feel a littel empathy for your DC.  They're missing out on an important part of being a teenager - the true self-esteem, confidence, and pleasure that come from making good decisions for themselves.  (And yes, of course, there will also be bad decisions along the way, too.  But there's also a lot of self-esteem and confidence that comes from overcoming and learning from mistakes!  That's part of what builds resilience.  (Pleasing your parents does not.)

For example, there's all sorts of research that shows that if you pay someone for preventing them from developing i[/quote]

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