Husband left two-year-old twins home alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he just stops being responsible for them. Does laundry or food shopping or house stuff and his job. Just don’t leave him alone anymore with the kids.

This is the answer: never leave him alone with the kids. I did this until elementary school. Divorce at this age would be much worse than the present situation. It is near impossible to get full custody. I would not leave my kids alone with this man.

I also have a now exDH who was irresponsible as OP describes. I basically never left him alone with the kids and even in the house did all “mission critical” tasks. I never depended on him to fo anything important with the kids. We separated when they were 18 months and 5 years, but I retained full physical custody. He had frequent visitation which I made easy for him by inviting him to eat and play with the kids at my (our former) house. It wasn’t until the oldest was 8-10 and could reliably say no to dangerous situations that I began to wean away the amount of parenting support I provided to him. I was able to increase that more in 6th grade when DC1 got a cell phone.

They did not do sleepovers until late HS (bioDad would not commit to regular sleepover schedule until then).

PP, what do you think was wrong with your DH exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One day and it will come I swear.... you will make a mistake too.

Wow. Your anger at op is sick. Thank God someone cares for her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ended my marriage for many reasons other than failure to parent (similar to what OP describes). But the failure to parent part was a big component of that. For safety reasons, I was forced to do all parenting. I never wanted a relationship like that - I always assumed there would be equally shared parenting. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I never wanted to model for the kids that the woman does all the parenting and staying in the marriage would have taught them that was OK. It’s not. If I wanted I third child, I would have conceived one; I don’t need a man-child to take care of in addition to two actual children.

Re: the bold, asking seriously, PP -- did he get partial custody or visitation rights, or--? And was it a situation where his having the kids solo was a potential danger to them? As some PPs here are noting, it's extremely difficult to make a successful case for 100 percent physical custody, and some moms here are noting that if they divorce, their kids will end up at times alone with fathers who are potentially dangerous to the kids, so the women stay married at least until the children are old enough to understand and react to danger, not have random accidents, etc. What was your situation and how old were your kids when you divorced? Because that's not an option for some mothers, if the fathers are oblivious. Divorcing and putting him in charge solo at times doesn't always teach the ex that he now must step up and oversee his own kids' safety. It's horrible situation to be in, staying in a marriage just becuase one fears for the kids' safety when with their other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he just stops being responsible for them. Does laundry or food shopping or house stuff and his job. Just don’t leave him alone anymore with the kids.

This is the answer: never leave him alone with the kids. I did this until elementary school. Divorce at this age would be much worse than the present situation. It is near impossible to get full custody. I would not leave my kids alone with this man.

I also have a now exDH who was irresponsible as OP describes. I basically never left him alone with the kids and even in the house did all “mission critical” tasks. I never depended on him to fo anything important with the kids. We separated when they were 18 months and 5 years, but I retained full physical custody. He had frequent visitation which I made easy for him by inviting him to eat and play with the kids at my (our former) house. It wasn’t until the oldest was 8-10 and could reliably say no to dangerous situations that I began to wean away the amount of parenting support I provided to him. I was able to increase that more in 6th grade when DC1 got a cell phone.

They did not do sleepovers until late HS (bioDad would not commit to regular sleepover schedule until then).

PP, what do you think was wrong with your DH exactly?

Np.

Mine had diagnosed high functioning autism and all his chronic symptoms supported that diagnosis and everything we suffered from. He was a jerk about it and denied his symptoms and diagnosis as well, so that made him even more difficult to deal with and he thought everyone was crazy and never him. He behaved schitzophrenic on weekends of summer when overwhelmed by basic life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended my marriage for many reasons other than failure to parent (similar to what OP describes). But the failure to parent part was a big component of that. For safety reasons, I was forced to do all parenting. I never wanted a relationship like that - I always assumed there would be equally shared parenting. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I never wanted to model for the kids that the woman does all the parenting and staying in the marriage would have taught them that was OK. It’s not. If I wanted I third child, I would have conceived one; I don’t need a man-child to take care of in addition to two actual children.

Re: the bold, asking seriously, PP -- did he get partial custody or visitation rights, or--? And was it a situation where his having the kids solo was a potential danger to them? As some PPs here are noting, it's extremely difficult to make a successful case for 100 percent physical custody, and some moms here are noting that if they divorce, their kids will end up at times alone with fathers who are potentially dangerous to the kids, so the women stay married at least until the children are old enough to understand and react to danger, not have random accidents, etc. What was your situation and how old were your kids when you divorced? Because that's not an option for some mothers, if the fathers are oblivious. Divorcing and putting him in charge solo at times doesn't always teach the ex that he now must step up and oversee his own kids' safety. It's horrible situation to be in, staying in a marriage just becuase one fears for the kids' safety when with their other parent.

FWIW both of OP’s examples of her husband’s neglect were “caused” (so to speak) by the fact that he assumed she was providing backup but she really wasn’t. In a shared-custody situation, he would always know that he was watching the kids alone with no backup, so there would never be any confusion about that. Given this change in the dynamic, I’ll bet these incidents would stop.

[Anonymous]

I still think OP should get a nanny cam. I also still think this guy won’t be interested in taking care of 3 young kids alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended my marriage for many reasons other than failure to parent (similar to what OP describes). But the failure to parent part was a big component of that. For safety reasons, I was forced to do all parenting. I never wanted a relationship like that - I always assumed there would be equally shared parenting. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I never wanted to model for the kids that the woman does all the parenting and staying in the marriage would have taught them that was OK. It’s not. If I wanted I third child, I would have conceived one; I don’t need a man-child to take care of in addition to two actual children.

Re: the bold, asking seriously, PP -- did he get partial custody or visitation rights, or--? And was it a situation where his having the kids solo was a potential danger to them? As some PPs here are noting, it's extremely difficult to make a successful case for 100 percent physical custody, and some moms here are noting that if they divorce, their kids will end up at times alone with fathers who are potentially dangerous to the kids, so the women stay married at least until the children are old enough to understand and react to danger, not have random accidents, etc. What was your situation and how old were your kids when you divorced? Because that's not an option for some mothers, if the fathers are oblivious. Divorcing and putting him in charge solo at times doesn't always teach the ex that he now must step up and oversee his own kids' safety. It's horrible situation to be in, staying in a marriage just becuase one fears for the kids' safety when with their other parent.

FWIW both of OP’s examples of her husband’s neglect were “caused” (so to speak) by the fact that he assumed she was providing backup but she really wasn’t. In a shared-custody situation, he would always know that he was watching the kids alone with no backup, so there would never be any confusion about that. Given this change in the dynamic, I’ll bet these incidents would stop.

Agree, regarding OP. But I was asking above about that other PP's particular situation and her statement that she wanted to model for the kids that the woman should not do al the parenting, and that was one reason she divorced. Some people can't just do that--they would be leaving their kids in actual physical danger if the DH has them at times. This has come up over the years on this forum a few times, cases where the DW felt she had to stay in the marriage while the children were young, due to the DH's history of doing things that jeopardized the kids' safety. Not talking about OP's situation with the DH and her simply failing to communicate about handoffs.

[Anonymous]

Even if you were home the twins could be in danger if your door is closed and you think they are being watched by him
I would have freaked out too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended my marriage for many reasons other than failure to parent (similar to what OP describes). But the failure to parent part was a big component of that. For safety reasons, I was forced to do all parenting. I never wanted a relationship like that - I always assumed there would be equally shared parenting. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I never wanted to model for the kids that the woman does all the parenting and staying in the marriage would have taught them that was OK. It’s not. If I wanted I third child, I would have conceived one; I don’t need a man-child to take care of in addition to two actual children.

Re: the bold, asking seriously, PP -- did he get partial custody or visitation rights, or--? And was it a situation where his having the kids solo was a potential danger to them? As some PPs here are noting, it's extremely difficult to make a successful case for 100 percent physical custody, and some moms here are noting that if they divorce, their kids will end up at times alone with fathers who are potentially dangerous to the kids, so the women stay married at least until the children are old enough to understand and react to danger, not have random accidents, etc. What was your situation and how old were your kids when you divorced? Because that's not an option for some mothers, if the fathers are oblivious. Divorcing and putting him in charge solo at times doesn't always teach the ex that he now must step up and oversee his own kids' safety. It's horrible situation to be in, staying in a marriage just becuase one fears for the kids' safety when with their other parent.

.

Undiagnosed bipolar 2 with periods of hypomania. I offered him 50/50 but he never took it - I was very lucky. I think inside he knew he couldn’t do it. I let him take as much or as little of his 50/50 as he could handle in the moment. Some days he would come over and stay much of the day. Other days he would come for an hour and leave.

It was a situation where he put them in danger repeatedly - accidentally, but still. There was far more wrong with our relationship than the parenting issues. I kicked him out when oldest was about 5 years and youngest was 18 months. He did nothing with them alone for more than a couple of hours of walk and park time. Oldest was very responsible at a young age. He did not have sleepovers with them until they were late teens.

I agree that there is no “making” an irresponsible person into a responsible one by just forcing him to take the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended my marriage for many reasons other than failure to parent (similar to what OP describes). But the failure to parent part was a big component of that. For safety reasons, I was forced to do all parenting. I never wanted a relationship like that - I always assumed there would be equally shared parenting. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I never wanted to model for the kids that the woman does all the parenting and staying in the marriage would have taught them that was OK. It’s not. If I wanted I third child, I would have conceived one; I don’t need a man-child to take care of in addition to two actual children.

Re: the bold, asking seriously, PP -- did he get partial custody or visitation rights, or--? And was it a situation where his having the kids solo was a potential danger to them? As some PPs here are noting, it's extremely difficult to make a successful case for 100 percent physical custody, and some moms here are noting that if they divorce, their kids will end up at times alone with fathers who are potentially dangerous to the kids, so the women stay married at least until the children are old enough to understand and react to danger, not have random accidents, etc. What was your situation and how old were your kids when you divorced? Because that's not an option for some mothers, if the fathers are oblivious. Divorcing and putting him in charge solo at times doesn't always teach the ex that he now must step up and oversee his own kids' safety. It's horrible situation to be in, staying in a marriage just becuase one fears for the kids' safety when with their other parent.

FWIW both of OP’s examples of her husband’s neglect were “caused” (so to speak) by the fact that he assumed she was providing backup but she really wasn’t. In a shared-custody situation, he would always know that he was watching the kids alone with no backup, so there would never be any confusion about that. Given this change in the dynamic, I’ll bet these incidents would stop.

These types hire teen sitters, make their elderly mom be the caretaker, or worse, make the new girlfriend play stepmom to impress him. They never step up. They avoid. Avoid responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shaking with rage. He said he thought I was in the bedroom with my preschooler with the door closed. I was picking her up from school like I do every day at that time. We are never home at that time. Why would he think that? Toddlers were just roaming around the house on their own. Probably about a half hour and I completely lost it when I realized what he had done. My mind is spinning. I don't want him to set foot in this house again. Is this divorce worthy. Am I overreacting.

You are as much to blame as he is and you sound like a nut case. And you think that crowd sourcing this on DCUM is a good idea. Your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am shaking with rage. He said he thought I was in the bedroom with my preschooler with the door closed. I was picking her up from school like I do every day at that time. We are never home at that time. Why would he think that? Toddlers were just roaming around the house on their own. Probably about a half hour and I completely lost it when I realized what he had done. My mind is spinning. I don't want him to set foot in this house again. Is this divorce worthy. Am I overreacting.

You are as much to blame as he is and you sound like a nut case. And you think that crowd sourcing this on DCUM is a good idea. Your poor husband.

This! You’re both to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. this is not the first time. When eldest was six months old he left the then infant alone in the baby bathtub because I had just been in the bathroom and he thought I was paying attention to what he was doing. I wasn't. I walked in to find baby fully submerged. Grabbed her and spent the next 24 hours watching her every move to make sure she was okay. She was fine but I almost left him then.

That doesn’t make sense.

And your propensity to catastrophize and go straight to “I’m leaving you” is a serious character flaw. Both of these are miscommunications and you bear some responsibility in them. But if it’s easier for you to fly into a rage and blast your husband, that isn’t fixing the problem — that’s fixing the blame. And it won’t actually fix anything.

Not op. I hate the posters who are too cool for school and hold everything together with fake being all above it bs. You are nuts. I'm going to be as ridiculous as you and say maybe you just don't care about your kids. In this case it is entirely appropriate for very, very strong emotions. Gentle talk about his feeeewings isn't going to cut it.

I would consider divorce. Kids don't get a choice in picking parents and if one is dangerous, you have to do whatever you have to to keep them safe. It will probably take op packing up and leaving before her idiot of a husband wakes up and realizes she isn't joking. You read the part about him leaving the baby in the bath alone, right?

So then, unless he’s a convicted murderer, he gets 50/50 custody by default. Yup. Great plan. You’re a genius.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended my marriage for many reasons other than failure to parent (similar to what OP describes). But the failure to parent part was a big component of that. For safety reasons, I was forced to do all parenting. I never wanted a relationship like that - I always assumed there would be equally shared parenting. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I never wanted to model for the kids that the woman does all the parenting and staying in the marriage would have taught them that was OK. It’s not. If I wanted I third child, I would have conceived one; I don’t need a man-child to take care of in addition to two actual children.

Re: the bold, asking seriously, PP -- did he get partial custody or visitation rights, or--? And was it a situation where his having the kids solo was a potential danger to them? As some PPs here are noting, it's extremely difficult to make a successful case for 100 percent physical custody, and some moms here are noting that if they divorce, their kids will end up at times alone with fathers who are potentially dangerous to the kids, so the women stay married at least until the children are old enough to understand and react to danger, not have random accidents, etc. What was your situation and how old were your kids when you divorced? Because that's not an option for some mothers, if the fathers are oblivious. Divorcing and putting him in charge solo at times doesn't always teach the ex that he now must step up and oversee his own kids' safety. It's horrible situation to be in, staying in a marriage just becuase one fears for the kids' safety when with their other parent.

FWIW both of OP’s examples of her husband’s neglect were “caused” (so to speak) by the fact that he assumed she was providing backup but she really wasn’t. In a shared-custody situation, he would always know that he was watching the kids alone with no backup, so there would never be any confusion about that. Given this change in the dynamic, I’ll bet these incidents would stop.

OK, cool. Gamble with the kids’ safety for half of their entire childhoods because you “bet” he would change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended my marriage for many reasons other than failure to parent (similar to what OP describes). But the failure to parent part was a big component of that. For safety reasons, I was forced to do all parenting. I never wanted a relationship like that - I always assumed there would be equally shared parenting. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I never wanted to model for the kids that the woman does all the parenting and staying in the marriage would have taught them that was OK. It’s not. If I wanted I third child, I would have conceived one; I don’t need a man-child to take care of in addition to two actual children.

Re: the bold, asking seriously, PP -- did he get partial custody or visitation rights, or--? And was it a situation where his having the kids solo was a potential danger to them? As some PPs here are noting, it's extremely difficult to make a successful case for 100 percent physical custody, and some moms here are noting that if they divorce, their kids will end up at times alone with fathers who are potentially dangerous to the kids, so the women stay married at least until the children are old enough to understand and react to danger, not have random accidents, etc. What was your situation and how old were your kids when you divorced? Because that's not an option for some mothers, if the fathers are oblivious. Divorcing and putting him in charge solo at times doesn't always teach the ex that he now must step up and oversee his own kids' safety. It's horrible situation to be in, staying in a marriage just becuase one fears for the kids' safety when with their other parent.

FWIW both of OP’s examples of her husband’s neglect were “caused” (so to speak) by the fact that he assumed she was providing backup but she really wasn’t. In a shared-custody situation, he would always know that he was watching the kids alone with no backup, so there would never be any confusion about that. Given this change in the dynamic, I’ll bet these incidents would stop.

OK, cool. Gamble with the kids’ safety for half of their entire childhoods because you “bet” he would change.

The kids will likely be fine. That’s the problem. Women like OP love to share about bad things that ALMOST happened. Nothing happened to the children in this situation. They were fine and are fine. If you have anxiety, it’s hard to accept this.

It’s also hard to accept that if you’re truly married to a man who is too dangerous to watch children on his own, then he is too dangerous to live with you.