Husband left two-year-old twins home alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is just obsessed with the 50/50 custody thing. A man like this won’t want 50/50 custody.

Yes, they do. They want it to avoid paying more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is just obsessed with the 50/50 custody thing. A man like this won’t want 50/50 custody.

Yes, they do. They want it to avoid paying more.

They should really decouple the financial compared to the physical custody.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I ended my marriage for many reasons other than failure to parent (similar to what OP describes). But the failure to parent part was a big component of that. For safety reasons, I was forced to do all parenting. I never wanted a relationship like that - I always assumed there would be equally shared parenting. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I never wanted to model for the kids that the woman does all the parenting and staying in the marriage would have taught them that was OK. It’s not. If I wanted I third child, I would have conceived one; I don’t need a man-child to take care of in addition to two actual children.

Re: the bold, asking seriously, PP -- did he get partial custody or visitation rights, or--? And was it a situation where his having the kids solo was a potential danger to them? As some PPs here are noting, it's extremely difficult to make a successful case for 100 percent physical custody, and some moms here are noting that if they divorce, their kids will end up at times alone with fathers who are potentially dangerous to the kids, so the women stay married at least until the children are old enough to understand and react to danger, not have random accidents, etc. What was your situation and how old were your kids when you divorced? Because that's not an option for some mothers, if the fathers are oblivious. Divorcing and putting him in charge solo at times doesn't always teach the ex that he now must step up and oversee his own kids' safety. It's horrible situation to be in, staying in a marriage just becuase one fears for the kids' safety when with their other parent.

FWIW both of OP’s examples of her husband’s neglect were “caused” (so to speak) by the fact that he assumed she was providing backup but she really wasn’t. In a shared-custody situation, he would always know that he was watching the kids alone with no backup, so there would never be any confusion about that. Given this change in the dynamic, I’ll bet these incidents would stop.

OK, cool. Gamble with the kids’ safety for half of their entire childhoods because you “bet” he would change.

The kids will likely be fine. That’s the problem. Women like OP love to share about bad things that ALMOST happened. Nothing happened to the children in this situation. They were fine and are fine. If you have anxiety, it’s hard to accept this.

It’s also hard to accept that if you’re truly married to a man who is too dangerous to watch children on his own, then he is too dangerous to live with you.

Exactly! The guy is fine 94% of the time. So what if he endangers lives only 6% of the time. It’ll probably work out all right.

And if it doesn't, everyone will blame his wife anyway, and he'll just find some dumb young thing to knock up and start over. It's all good, man.

Yes. She should have known he couldn't properly care for the kids. Or she should have triple checked with him or.... something else that isn't his fault.

[Anonymous]

He knew you were gone. Unless there is something mentally wrong with him, he wanted to leave and took the kids safety for granted. Watch him.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am shaking with rage. He said he thought I was in the bedroom with my preschooler with the door closed. I was picking her up from school like I do every day at that time. We are never home at that time. Why would he think that? Toddlers were just roaming around the house on their own. Probably about a half hour and I completely lost it when I realized what he had done. My mind is spinning. I don't want him to set foot in this house again. Is this divorce worthy. Am I overreacting.

You are as much to blame as he is and you sound like a nut case. And you think that crowd sourcing this on DCUM is a good idea. Your poor husband.

She did literally nothing wrong.

Yea she did. She did not make him fully aware she was leaving. Even if she does it every day, it needs to be said.

[Anonymous]

Where did he go?

I would be beyond livid. Not sure if it is dicorce worthy because they you would have to share custody with him where he would be responsible for the 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

When was the text? How long were the twins home alone?

[Anonymous]

He went to Starbucks to do work stuff and to get an iced coffee. Based on the timestamps, they were alone about 30 minutes. I yelled and made a big deal out of it but just two days later, he went onto the balcony to have his coffee and an hour or so later my gut instinct told me to check the balcony door. Sure enough, it was unlocked and slightly open. He just cannot understand the level of vigilance necessary to keep very young children safe.

I will not divorce him now because I cannot leave my kids with him unsupervised.

He says oops, sorry. Oh I forgot. Sorry, I didn't think about that. It's no big deal. Why are you freaking out? Don't sweat the small stuff....


But when the small stuff is putting your pills in your pocket and then they fall out when you put your hands in your pockets or when you lie down on the couch... and I find your pills in my baby's mouth....

I don't know what to do other that wait it out until the kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Stop having kids with him, OP.

Hire help and never leave them alone with him.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

Could he have undiagnosed ADHD?

It's concerning that he's not upset with himself or recognizing the danger. I'm sure you'd feel better about it if he demonstrated some awareness that might lead him to be more careful in the future.

Would you consider couples counseling?

[Anonymous]

Is he normally head down working while you’re with the kids? I’m that case, I do think this is partially on you too for not letting him know you were going out to pick up DD even if you do that every day. I’m the mom, but when I’m working it’s really easy for me to totally shift my focus away from family, and I could see doing something like finishing off a report then thinking “I have 15 free minutes, I’m going to go pick up that prescription.” If the scenario was anything like that, you need a better system for fully handing off responsibility for the little ones when you run out. Even if you run out the same 20 minutes each day, I think saying “I’m going, the kids are napping” and listening for his confirmation is in order (though can still see how he might forget if they were napping, or watching TV, or something else where he did not have to supervise.) Not saying he didn’t mess up, and I wouldn’t be upset, but a reaction of rage and threatening divorce is much less helpful than a calm attitude of “something really dangerous happened today; how do we come up with a plan together to make sure that never happens again).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am shaking with rage. He said he thought I was in the bedroom with my preschooler with the door closed. I was picking her up from school like I do every day at that time. We are never home at that time. Why would he think that? Toddlers were just roaming around the house on their own. Probably about a half hour and I completely lost it when I realized what he had done. My mind is spinning. I don't want him to set foot in this house again. Is this divorce worthy. Am I overreacting.

You are as much to blame as he is and you sound like a nut case. And you think that crowd sourcing this on DCUM is a good idea. Your poor husband.

She did literally nothing wrong.

Yea she did. She did not make him fully aware she was leaving. Even if she does it every day, it needs to be said.

Why did you revive this?

[Anonymous]

As a person with adhd, I live in terror of making these kinds of mistakes. I’m absolutely neurotic over it all. And when I do make mistakes, I can barely live with myself. Your husband sounds like he’s in denial. Have you suggested he be screened? He may not even be fully aware of the extent of his absent minded behavior.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. this is not the first time. When eldest was six months old he left the then infant alone in the baby bathtub because I had just been in the bathroom and he thought I was paying attention to what he was doing. I wasn't. I walked in to find baby fully submerged. Grabbed her and spent the next 24 hours watching her every move to make sure she was okay. She was fine but I almost left him then.

That doesn’t make sense.

And your propensity to catastrophize and go straight to “I’m leaving you” is a serious character flaw. Both of these are miscommunications and you bear some responsibility in them. But if it’s easier for you to fly into a rage and blast your husband, that isn’t fixing the problem — that’s fixing the blame. And it won’t actually fix anything.

Nice way to deflect that he almost drowned the kid. Johnny Depp, is that you?

DP. And I agree with PP (and hate JD for whatever that is worth). Two absentminded incidents for someone with children under 5 is not a reason to divorce, unless the husband is constantly doing stuff like this and not seeing it as a problem. Flying into a rage and threatening divorce is, IMO, something that should never be done. Ever, unless perhaps you have literally walked in on them cheating on you or something.

Almost drowning your infant and leaving two toddlers alone in the house aren't minor incidents. I would seriously consider divorce but I wouldn't want my kids with him half the time. There's something wrong with this man.

Tell me you don't understand ADD without telling me you don't understand ADD. I love my kids and am a very present parent and can see myself doing both of these things if I didn't have a bunch of systems in place to stop my mind from wandering away.

Then you need to adjust your meds or you shouldn't be alone with your kids. Or frankly shouldn't have had them to begin with.

Wow, are you seriously saying those with adhd aren’t deserving of children? Wtf you bigot!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you have never made a single mistake (that was a true boneheaded error…not a willful doing wrong) than sure divorce.

(He should consider divorcing such an emotional teapot though)

I've made lots of mistakes as a parent, none have involved drowning or toddlers left alone in a house. Wtf kind of mistakes are YOU making?

I once drove home and realized I hadn't buckled my infant into her carseat. I have gotten distracted in a store and lost a toddler for a couple minutes in the aisles. I've left the gas stove on both lit an unlit for periods of time that were too lengthy. I've turned my back on a tub and had a child go under (for just a second but still). None of these are things I am proud of, they are things I learned from, but they also don't make me a horrible parent. Just a human being who is not error proof. And I'm the mom.

If I were a dad, I'd divorce you and seek full custody. Not okay. No exceptions. This is negligent. And I am a woman.

I did the carseat one once.