Reply to If you are (or have) a stepmom . . . (long message)

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[quote=Anonymous]If you are a stepmom, do you hate being introduced as such? If you have a stepmom, how do you introduce them?

My parents were married for 15 years, split when I was 9, and a few years later my dad met a woman and married her. This year marks my dad and stepmom’s 25 wedding anniversary. Mom never remarried. I’m in my mid-30s. For all intents and purposes, I have 2 moms. I love them both as individuals and love that they are both my mothers. They are civil but not friendly – long history there.

If my mom isn’t around, I always introduce my stepmom as my “mother” – b/c she is. Or I say “these are my parents” if dad is with her. But this irks my mother so I avoid introducing people to them if they are all in the same room. [Fortunately it doesn’t happen much anymore now that I’m grown and live farther away.]

However, my stepmom would be devastated if I introduced her as “stepmother” or “stepmom.” She thinks it has such an awful connotation. DH once overheard her asking someone not to refer to her as such – it was some random person at a family friend’s wedding (where all 3 of my parents were in attendance) and this person was confused b/c he thought he had just met my “mother.” So she said “I’m not her biological mother.” DH got away as quickly as he could.

I love both of my mothers. I totally get why it would piss off my mom for me to refer to my stepmom as “mother” – for the record I have never referred to her as “mom.” I call her by her first name. But I also get why it bothers my stepmom and want to be sensitive to that. My parents had 50-50 custody so my stepmom definitely raised me (she was home more often than either my dad or my mom) – and she didn’t have any bio children of her own. I could go on and on about how wonderful BOTH of these women are, but that’s not the point.

My post is more out of curiosity. We’ll all be together again soon – in a small room – and I am strategically trying to remember which of the other guests have met my dad/stepmom before so I don’t have to introduce them within earshot of my mom. My mom has met virtually all of my pals since she visits more often.

It just made me wonder if anyone deals with this – as the child or as the stepmom or the biological mom. And before you say it, yes, everyone needs to grow up a little. But our forward progress on the whole has been huge. This is one of the few problems that remains, and it doesn’t happen often, so I just take a little extra time to prepare and try to please everyone -- which again, I know isn’t a long-term solution but it’s what works for me.
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