Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Entitled to sex" is such a loaded phrase that I simply can't agree to that inflammatory choice of wording.
I will state that I very much expect a regular sex life within my marriage.
And although there are alot of great things in our marriage besides sex, I will readily admit that I would not stay married if my wife decided to reject our sexlife, and refused to work on the issue.
I view regular sex as a legitimate and important relationship need, one that would be a total dealbreaker even if the marriage was otherwise good (although I really don't see how that is possible, yet I read this in alot of "sexless marriage" threads!)

Why does anybody feel entitled to a (faithful) marriage with little sex?

So if/when you get ED, your wife is welcome to have other sex partners?

I am not that previous poster, but yes, I like to believe that, if for some sustained period in my life, my wife wants substantially more sex than I can provide, that I will be mature enough and caring enough about her needs to encourage her to find it elsewhere if she desires.

Agreed, these are very different situations. If there is a medical reason that a spouse is unable to be sexual that is a totally different conversation than that of a spouse who chooses not to of their own accord.

That is what low libido is? ... a choice women make? that is what menopause is? a choice to have a dry vagina? that is what not having sex for 6 weeks after birth is? a choice to not put something into an area that (for me) had 52 stitches.... do you think you are being a little dense when you say ED is a medical reason but anxiety, depression, low libido, menopause, postpartum etc are not?

Are these medical issues though? Seems like exactly no one in this thread has said that men or women should have sex despite medical issues. And if a man goes and sorts out ED women can and should go and sort out those issues and work to restore the intimacy to their marriage. OR if you dont care and it isnt important to you allow your spouse to seek comfort elsewhere. You arent interested so your spouse should just lose interest?

Actually everybody on this thread and every other thread about low sex drive/lack of sex... tells women to have duty sex, just get it done, give him a blow job, etc.

none of the threads say to the men, be patient, see a doctor, work through this, talk to your wife,

If a man has ED, it's understood. If a woman has a low libido, it is characterized as "not taking care of her man" and "expect him to take care of business elsewhere" NOT "that sucks your wife has a medical issue, stay strong, be understanding, work through it".

Dh here. I have been patient- never argued about it, blamed her, faulted her. Been supportive her 100%. Wife has seen doctors, nothing medically wrong, expressed joy about that result, 3 week spike in sexual activity and then back to flatline. Talked through extensively using I statements, place of understanding etc. Plan date nights, take care of the kids as much as I can when I am off work, compliment her-can you let me know what I am missing-it is clearly the one thing I am NOT doing vs. the 100 things I am doing. Your help would be most appreciated!

And before the questions gets asked, I have gained about 8 lbs since we got together 9 years ago, not too terrible. I have a decent sized unit, not huge but not embarrassed at the gym, and finally, I may suck in bed (I don't know) but if I do she never had a problem with it previously Let me know if I missed any other easy outs.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Entitled to sex" is such a loaded phrase that I simply can't agree to that inflammatory choice of wording.
I will state that I very much expect a regular sex life within my marriage.
And although there are alot of great things in our marriage besides sex, I will readily admit that I would not stay married if my wife decided to reject our sexlife, and refused to work on the issue.
I view regular sex as a legitimate and important relationship need, one that would be a total dealbreaker even if the marriage was otherwise good (although I really don't see how that is possible, yet I read this in alot of "sexless marriage" threads!)

Why does anybody feel entitled to a (faithful) marriage with little sex?

So if/when you get ED, your wife is welcome to have other sex partners?

I am not that previous poster, but yes, I like to believe that, if for some sustained period in my life, my wife wants substantially more sex than I can provide, that I will be mature enough and caring enough about her needs to encourage her to find it elsewhere if she desires.

Agreed, these are very different situations. If there is a medical reason that a spouse is unable to be sexual that is a totally different conversation than that of a spouse who chooses not to of their own accord.

That is what low libido is? ... a choice women make? that is what menopause is? a choice to have a dry vagina? that is what not having sex for 6 weeks after birth is? a choice to not put something into an area that (for me) had 52 stitches.... do you think you are being a little dense when you say ED is a medical reason but anxiety, depression, low libido, menopause, postpartum etc are not?

Are these medical issues though? Seems like exactly no one in this thread has said that men or women should have sex despite medical issues. And if a man goes and sorts out ED women can and should go and sort out those issues and work to restore the intimacy to their marriage. OR if you dont care and it isnt important to you allow your spouse to seek comfort elsewhere. You arent interested so your spouse should just lose interest?

Actually everybody on this thread and every other thread about low sex drive/lack of sex... tells women to have duty sex, just get it done, give him a blow job, etc.

none of the threads say to the men, be patient, see a doctor, work through this, talk to your wife,

If a man has ED, it's understood. If a woman has a low libido, it is characterized as "not taking care of her man" and "expect him to take care of business elsewhere" NOT "that sucks your wife has a medical issue, stay strong, be understanding, work through it".

Dh here. I have been patient- never argued about it, blamed her, faulted her. Been supportive her 100%. Wife has seen doctors, nothing medically wrong, expressed joy about that result, 3 week spike in sexual activity and then back to flatline. Talked through extensively using I statements, place of understanding etc. Plan date nights, take care of the kids as much as I can when I am off work, compliment her-can you let me know what I am missing-it is clearly the one thing I am NOT doing vs. the 100 things I am doing. Your help would be most appreciated!

And before the questions gets asked, I have gained about 8 lbs since we got together 9 years ago, not too terrible. I have a decent sized unit, not huge but not embarrassed at the gym, and finally, I may suck in bed (I don't know) but if I do she never had a problem with it previously Let me know if I missed any other easy outs.......

Imagine it is depression (I get it is not... but let's use that as an example)... do you think helping with the kids, date night, and compliments will "cure" depression?

There is something going on... I don't know what it is, you don't know what it is, your wife does not know what it is, the doctor's don't know what it is.... so there you are. It's not your wife's "fault", it's not your "fault", it's nobody's fault, it life and sometimes life is not perfect.

BTW, it took 16 year for my H to finally get a diagnosis. Our medical/mental health system sucks and women's health even worse.

I have sympathy, and you seem like a good guy (many are not). Many men are on this site complaining about their head exploding after 10 days. (search the Emotional Fog thread)

It sucks when our spouses do not meet our expectations especially when we are meeting theirs. But it sounds like your wife is pretty awesome otherwise... so maybe you should just take it less personally... it takes meditation and mindfulness.

I could sit around and say... "boy I wish things are different, my H sucks, his issues are destroying me, I am depressed about my less than perfect life, my life sucks, it's pretty depressing" or I ... well this is what I do "I am healthy, my kids are great, my H is alright (better than most)(with some pretty serious issues he can't control), I have a good enough job, I have friends who are like family... I have it pretty good.

Sure I can get myself down, I can obsess on the bad, wish for more, or I can be thankful for what I have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Entitled to sex" is such a loaded phrase that I simply can't agree to that inflammatory choice of wording.
I will state that I very much expect a regular sex life within my marriage.
And although there are alot of great things in our marriage besides sex, I will readily admit that I would not stay married if my wife decided to reject our sexlife, and refused to work on the issue.
I view regular sex as a legitimate and important relationship need, one that would be a total dealbreaker even if the marriage was otherwise good (although I really don't see how that is possible, yet I read this in alot of "sexless marriage" threads!)

Why does anybody feel entitled to a (faithful) marriage with little sex?

So if/when you get ED, your wife is welcome to have other sex partners?

I am not that previous poster, but yes, I like to believe that, if for some sustained period in my life, my wife wants substantially more sex than I can provide, that I will be mature enough and caring enough about her needs to encourage her to find it elsewhere if she desires.

Agreed, these are very different situations. If there is a medical reason that a spouse is unable to be sexual that is a totally different conversation than that of a spouse who chooses not to of their own accord.

That is what low libido is? ... a choice women make? that is what menopause is? a choice to have a dry vagina? that is what not having sex for 6 weeks after birth is? a choice to not put something into an area that (for me) had 52 stitches.... do you think you are being a little dense when you say ED is a medical reason but anxiety, depression, low libido, menopause, postpartum etc are not?

Are these medical issues though? Seems like exactly no one in this thread has said that men or women should have sex despite medical issues. And if a man goes and sorts out ED women can and should go and sort out those issues and work to restore the intimacy to their marriage. OR if you dont care and it isnt important to you allow your spouse to seek comfort elsewhere. You arent interested so your spouse should just lose interest?

Actually everybody on this thread and every other thread about low sex drive/lack of sex... tells women to have duty sex, just get it done, give him a blow job, etc.

none of the threads say to the men, be patient, see a doctor, work through this, talk to your wife,

If a man has ED, it's understood. If a woman has a low libido, it is characterized as "not taking care of her man" and "expect him to take care of business elsewhere" NOT "that sucks your wife has a medical issue, stay strong, be understanding, work through it".

Dh here. I have been patient- never argued about it, blamed her, faulted her. Been supportive her 100%. Wife has seen doctors, nothing medically wrong, expressed joy about that result, 3 week spike in sexual activity and then back to flatline. Talked through extensively using I statements, place of understanding etc. Plan date nights, take care of the kids as much as I can when I am off work, compliment her-can you let me know what I am missing-it is clearly the one thing I am NOT doing vs. the 100 things I am doing. Your help would be most appreciated!

And before the questions gets asked, I have gained about 8 lbs since we got together 9 years ago, not too terrible. I have a decent sized unit, not huge but not embarrassed at the gym, and finally, I may suck in bed (I don't know) but if I do she never had a problem with it previously Let me know if I missed any other easy outs.......

Imagine it is depression (I get it is not... but let's use that as an example)... do you think helping with the kids, date night, and compliments will "cure" depression?

There is something going on... I don't know what it is, you don't know what it is, your wife does not know what it is, the doctor's don't know what it is.... so there you are. It's not your wife's "fault", it's not your "fault", it's nobody's fault, it life and sometimes life is not perfect.

BTW, it took 16 year for my H to finally get a diagnosis. Our medical/mental health system sucks and women's health even worse.

I have sympathy, and you seem like a good guy (many are not). Many men are on this site complaining about their head exploding after 10 days. (search the Emotional Fog thread)

It sucks when our spouses do not meet our expectations especially when we are meeting theirs. But it sounds like your wife is pretty awesome otherwise... so maybe you should just take it less personally... it takes meditation and mindfulness.

I could sit around and say... "boy I wish things are different, my H sucks, his issues are destroying me, I am depressed about my less than perfect life, my life sucks, it's pretty depressing" or I ... well this is what I do "I am healthy, my kids are great, my H is alright (better than most)(with some pretty serious issues he can't control), I have a good enough job, I have friends who are like family... I have it pretty good.

Sure I can get myself down, I can obsess on the bad, wish for more, or I can be thankful for what I have.

PP here-thanks for the response and not flaming I don't argue your logic at all, but the thing is nothing really has changed in our relationship from when we were having sex to now that we are not except kids. I understand that changes everything in the relationship and I don't underestimate how much it does so I am not trivializing it an any way. But I guess my point is her affect hasn't changed, her personality or mine etc. I get all of what you are saying and I do have the same thought process of focusing on the positive (that is the only thing that keeps me sane I don't know how to not take it personally and the bottom line is there is nothing I can do about it outside of looking somewhere else, which I have no desire to do because quite honestly I don't want to have sex, I want to have sex with with her. So I'm just stuck........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Entitled to sex" is such a loaded phrase that I simply can't agree to that inflammatory choice of wording.
I will state that I very much expect a regular sex life within my marriage.
And although there are alot of great things in our marriage besides sex, I will readily admit that I would not stay married if my wife decided to reject our sexlife, and refused to work on the issue.
I view regular sex as a legitimate and important relationship need, one that would be a total dealbreaker even if the marriage was otherwise good (although I really don't see how that is possible, yet I read this in alot of "sexless marriage" threads!)

Why does anybody feel entitled to a (faithful) marriage with little sex?

So if/when you get ED, your wife is welcome to have other sex partners?

I am not that previous poster, but yes, I like to believe that, if for some sustained period in my life, my wife wants substantially more sex than I can provide, that I will be mature enough and caring enough about her needs to encourage her to find it elsewhere if she desires.

Agreed, these are very different situations. If there is a medical reason that a spouse is unable to be sexual that is a totally different conversation than that of a spouse who chooses not to of their own accord.

That is what low libido is? ... a choice women make? that is what menopause is? a choice to have a dry vagina? that is what not having sex for 6 weeks after birth is? a choice to not put something into an area that (for me) had 52 stitches.... do you think you are being a little dense when you say ED is a medical reason but anxiety, depression, low libido, menopause, postpartum etc are not?

Are these medical issues though? Seems like exactly no one in this thread has said that men or women should have sex despite medical issues. And if a man goes and sorts out ED women can and should go and sort out those issues and work to restore the intimacy to their marriage. OR if you dont care and it isnt important to you allow your spouse to seek comfort elsewhere. You arent interested so your spouse should just lose interest?

Actually everybody on this thread and every other thread about low sex drive/lack of sex... tells women to have duty sex, just get it done, give him a blow job, etc.

none of the threads say to the men, be patient, see a doctor, work through this, talk to your wife,

If a man has ED, it's understood. If a woman has a low libido, it is characterized as "not taking care of her man" and "expect him to take care of business elsewhere" NOT "that sucks your wife has a medical issue, stay strong, be understanding, work through it".

Dh here. I have been patient- never argued about it, blamed her, faulted her. Been supportive her 100%. Wife has seen doctors, nothing medically wrong, expressed joy about that result, 3 week spike in sexual activity and then back to flatline. Talked through extensively using I statements, place of understanding etc. Plan date nights, take care of the kids as much as I can when I am off work, compliment her-can you let me know what I am missing-it is clearly the one thing I am NOT doing vs. the 100 things I am doing. Your help would be most appreciated!

And before the questions gets asked, I have gained about 8 lbs since we got together 9 years ago, not too terrible. I have a decent sized unit, not huge but not embarrassed at the gym, and finally, I may suck in bed (I don't know) but if I do she never had a problem with it previously Let me know if I missed any other easy outs.......

Imagine it is depression (I get it is not... but let's use that as an example)... do you think helping with the kids, date night, and compliments will "cure" depression?

There is something going on... I don't know what it is, you don't know what it is, your wife does not know what it is, the doctor's don't know what it is.... so there you are. It's not your wife's "fault", it's not your "fault", it's nobody's fault, it life and sometimes life is not perfect.

BTW, it took 16 year for my H to finally get a diagnosis. Our medical/mental health system sucks and women's health even worse.

I have sympathy, and you seem like a good guy (many are not). Many men are on this site complaining about their head exploding after 10 days. (search the Emotional Fog thread)

It sucks when our spouses do not meet our expectations especially when we are meeting theirs. But it sounds like your wife is pretty awesome otherwise... so maybe you should just take it less personally... it takes meditation and mindfulness.

I could sit around and say... "boy I wish things are different, my H sucks, his issues are destroying me, I am depressed about my less than perfect life, my life sucks, it's pretty depressing" or I ... well this is what I do "I am healthy, my kids are great, my H is alright (better than most)(with some pretty serious issues he can't control), I have a good enough job, I have friends who are like family... I have it pretty good.

Sure I can get myself down, I can obsess on the bad, wish for more, or I can be thankful for what I have.

PP here-thanks for the response and not flaming I don't argue your logic at all, but the thing is nothing really has changed in our relationship from when we were having sex to now that we are not except kids. I understand that changes everything in the relationship and I don't underestimate how much it does so I am not trivializing it an any way. But I guess my point is her affect hasn't changed, her personality or mine etc. I get all of what you are saying and I do have the same thought process of focusing on the positive (that is the only thing that keeps me sane I don't know how to not take it personally and the bottom line is there is nothing I can do about it outside of looking somewhere else, which I have no desire to do because quite honestly I don't want to have sex, I want to have sex with with her. So I'm just stuck........

me too.. stuck, that is how I feel. Okay, now I feel down.. .back to something positive.

[Anonymous]

Once married, is it realistic for the wife to expect her husband to keep working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once married, is it realistic for the wife to expect her husband to keep working?

Or mow the lawn/fix broken plumbing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once married, is it realistic for the wife to expect her husband to keep working?

Or mow the lawn/fix broken plumbing?

Go to dinner parties at stuck up people's houses when you would literally rather stick a knife in your foot than be there, just becuase they were BFF's in college but have absolutely nothing in common anymore?

[Anonymous]

If there's nothing medically wrong and she isn't depressed and you're a cool guy who is way decent and helps out, you need to realize there's nothing you can fix here. The reality is she's bored of sex and other things like TV or sleep or reading are more appealing to her than more of the sex she's been having forever and which she no longer enjoys. That's all that's going on for most sexless marriages. A spouse who simply isn't interested in sex because it bores them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Entitled to sex" is such a loaded phrase that I simply can't agree to that inflammatory choice of wording.
I will state that I very much expect a regular sex life within my marriage.
And although there are alot of great things in our marriage besides sex, I will readily admit that I would not stay married if my wife decided to reject our sexlife, and refused to work on the issue.
I view regular sex as a legitimate and important relationship need, one that would be a total dealbreaker even if the marriage was otherwise good (although I really don't see how that is possible, yet I read this in alot of "sexless marriage" threads!)

Why does anybody feel entitled to a (faithful) marriage with little sex?

So if/when you get ED, your wife is welcome to have other sex partners?

You do know that there's more to sex than PiV, don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Entitled to sex" is such a loaded phrase that I simply can't agree to that inflammatory choice of wording.
I will state that I very much expect a regular sex life within my marriage.
And although there are alot of great things in our marriage besides sex, I will readily admit that I would not stay married if my wife decided to reject our sexlife, and refused to work on the issue.
I view regular sex as a legitimate and important relationship need, one that would be a total dealbreaker even if the marriage was otherwise good (although I really don't see how that is possible, yet I read this in alot of "sexless marriage" threads!)

Why does anybody feel entitled to a (faithful) marriage with little sex?

So if/when you get ED, your wife is welcome to have other sex partners?

You do know that there's more to sex than PiV, don't you?

Men don't want to perform duty sex anymore than women do, you know that, don't you?

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I'm attracted to my husband and I want to have sex with him. Been that way for almost 25 years. Never felt it was a duty or pressured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Entitled to sex" is such a loaded phrase that I simply can't agree to that inflammatory choice of wording.
I will state that I very much expect a regular sex life within my marriage.
And although there are alot of great things in our marriage besides sex, I will readily admit that I would not stay married if my wife decided to reject our sexlife, and refused to work on the issue.
I view regular sex as a legitimate and important relationship need, one that would be a total dealbreaker even if the marriage was otherwise good (although I really don't see how that is possible, yet I read this in alot of "sexless marriage" threads!)

Why does anybody feel entitled to a (faithful) marriage with little sex?

So if/when you get ED, your wife is welcome to have other sex partners?

You do know that there's more to sex than PiV, don't you?

Men don't want to perform duty sex anymore than women do, you know that, don't you?

Good. Let's agree no one should "perform duty sex". You dont want to eat her out- well dont expect BJs or PIV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once married, is it realistic for the wife to expect her husband to keep working?

Or mow the lawn/fix broken plumbing?

Or listen to her and support her emotionally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there's nothing medically wrong and she isn't depressed and you're a cool guy who is way decent and helps out, you need to realize there's nothing you can fix here. The reality is she's bored of sex and other things like TV or sleep or reading are more appealing to her than more of the sex she's been having forever and which she no longer enjoys. That's all that's going on for most sexless marriages. A spouse who simply isn't interested in sex because it bores them.

This is so true. When a spouse loses libido, short of it being a medical issue, there is nothing you can do to create it. At best you might get her to have sex out of gratitude or duty, but it will never again be out of desire. I'm in the same boat and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are not entitled to as little sex as you want if it is below the minimum level that your spouse wants, because you are not entitled to be married to your spouse. Your spouse is entitled to divorce you if you refuse to have whatever level of sex he or she wants. And the simple fact is your spouse most likely will divorce you if you continue to refuse this minimum level of sex over an extended period.

Not really. I am entitled to NOT have sex when I decide. YOU are NOT entitled to have sex with my body when I choose to not have sex... that would be rape.

You can divorce your spouse for any reason. You can divorce because they don't put the top on the toothpaste. It would be unreasonable, but you sound unreasonable.

There are tons of things my spouse does or does not do, that is life, nothing in life is perfect.

Not really. You are not entitled to refuse sex AND to expect to remain married. It is entirely reasonable to divorce someone who refuses to have sex regularly. If you think "not having sex" is equivalent in significance to "not putting the top on the toothpaste" then (a) you are mental, and (b) you are not a regular DCUM reader because there are hundreds of discussions about lack of sex (to which the go-to DCUM response is "divorce!" or "affair!"). Discussions of toothpaste, not so much.

I pity the fool who married you.