Reply to Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.[/quote]

actually, it is complicated. Affairs are wrong, but so is withholding sex and affection from you spouse, so is years of verbal abuse, berating, and belittling our partner, so is years of putting your own needs above those of the family, so is refusal to discuss either fixing or ending the marriage without threatening a nasty divorce that will ruin the kids lives.

fwiw, I am not in the above-type marriage, nor have I had an affair (I'm relatively happily married) but I've seen a lot of bad shit over the years, and known people on both sides of the equation, and I think that while its not fair to blame the innocent spouse for the affair, sometimes life is complicated and people fuck up and make bad decisions. Affairs can be ways to survive in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage, they can also be expressions of an unconscious desire to force change in the current situation, they can also be the product of confused thinking, of victim mentality, of drug/alcohol abuse, of boredom and immaturity, of a profound loneliness while being married (which is worse than loneliness while being single, in my book). It's not the answer, but I think the black and white mentality that puts people who have affairs in the "bad" camp and those who don't cross the line in the "good" camp isn't really helpful if you want to understand why people make these choices, and how to move beyond them and grow and change and have more satisfying relationships. [/quote]

Ironically, some of us who DIDN'T have the affair but whose spouse's did are the ones who had sex and affection withheld from us. When I got pregnant something snapped inside my husband and instead of growing up, he decided over the course of the next couple of years to have a midlife crisis of sorts, stop being physical with me, stop making me feel respected, and just lashing out at me in general and not being much of a parenting partner. Then the icing on that cake was that he cheated.

Things are better now and he is growing up but an affair is NOT the answer and it is often done by the person in the marriage causing if not more trouble than at least as much trouble as the betrayed spouse (and I will say I was not perfect but at least I didn't have an affair). [/quote]

Exactly.  "The marriage was bad" excuse is just stupid.  Both people are in the same "bad" marriage but only one of them cheats.  Well, gee, if the bad marriage CAUSES the cheating, why don't both people cheat?
[/quote]

Some people are too fucking lazy to cheat. That's the truth. [/quote]

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