Husband can’t set a table and doesn’t care to learn how

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

And multiple people have said they have their things about the way the house is run and their spouse has theirs and it works for them. WTH are you to decide there's only one right way?

I'm curious what you think marriage should look like if "your partner should care about your happiness and your kids happiness" is a controversial statement.

My happiness is not dependent on doing things my way or caring about trivial things the way I care about them, such as setting the table right.

I would love to invite your spouse to this conversation...

To laugh in your face? He will tell you about all the things I do "wrong" that he cares about. I'm sure his list is longer than mine. But we have a sense of humor about it that you seem to lack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the table yourself if it's important to you. This seems like a lot of stress over something that would take you two minutes. Let him cook or clean or do something he actually sees value in.

But it takes zero minutes to do it correctly if you are already doing it. You have to set the fork down somewhere. Why not put it where it goes?

Because I'd rather just serve myself in the kitchen and all sit around a table, or place a basket of utensils at the end of the table and grab one on my way to my seat depending on what I know I will be eating. I tend to eat everything possible with a spoon while dh only uses forks (except for soup), DS and i like tiny utensils and DH likes big ones, etc. We all just grab our own silverware. Why are we setting a table with uniform cutlery when we all prefer different?

But if it is super important to DH, he can do it himself. Just like he doesn't like how I fold his socks, so he does all laundry now because it's important to him. I didn't like how he loaded the dishwasher, so it's now my job. The person who thinks it's the most important is responsible in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually have the same problem. After 26 years, DH still puts the napkin on the right with the knife and spoon on it and it drives me crazy. But I just change it and don’t make a federal case out of it.

Why is that a problem?

Because Princess is putting on airs acting like Tuesday supper is a State Dinner.

The rules of etiquette are the same everywhere. There is not one set of rules for Tuesday supper and a completely different one for a State Dinner.

I think this is comforting for kids. It can bring a sense of normalcy even in extreme situations. Ma Ingalls made sure that the girls set the table correctly out on the frontier. So did the Girl Guide leaders at the Weixian Internment Camp during WWII.

Establishing routines and patterns that can be followed in any situation makes difficult things psychologically easier to handle.

Who decided the rules of etiquette and under what authority?

Are you the same poster who insisted that it was ridiculous for kids to need a red sweater for the school chorus trip? You are a nightmare.

That makes me think you're the type of make work room parent who decided last minute on red sweaters, or crazy socks, or coordinated t-shirts without any input.

Well, you'd be wrong. I hate the stupid spirit days or wear orange days. Don't get me started on crazy socks - my kids don't like them so we don't own them and I think it's stupid to spend money on something they'll wear once. However, I am respectful enough that if the choir teacher wants everyone in red sweaters then I'll get a red sweater for my kid.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

DP. Part of the happiness in my marriage comes from doing things for my husband that make him happy and having him do things for me that make me happy. Does he have to bring me a cup of coffee in bed in the morning? Of course not, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. Does he do it anyway? Yes and it's sweet and I love it.

I must have missed where OP said her husband never ever does anything to her liking. Or where she said she bent over backwards to please him.

I don't think OP has posted since the first page...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually have the same problem. After 26 years, DH still puts the napkin on the right with the knife and spoon on it and it drives me crazy. But I just change it and don’t make a federal case out of it.

Why is that a problem?

Because Princess is putting on airs acting like Tuesday supper is a State Dinner.

The rules of etiquette are the same everywhere. There is not one set of rules for Tuesday supper and a completely different one for a State Dinner.

I think this is comforting for kids. It can bring a sense of normalcy even in extreme situations. Ma Ingalls made sure that the girls set the table correctly out on the frontier. So did the Girl Guide leaders at the Weixian Internment Camp during WWII.

Establishing routines and patterns that can be followed in any situation makes difficult things psychologically easier to handle.

Who decided the rules of etiquette and under what authority?

Are you the same poster who insisted that it was ridiculous for kids to need a red sweater for the school chorus trip? You are a nightmare.

That makes me think you're the type of make work room parent who decided last minute on red sweaters, or crazy socks, or coordinated t-shirts without any input.

Well, you'd be wrong. I hate the stupid spirit days or wear orange days. Don't get me started on crazy socks - my kids don't like them so we don't own them and I think it's stupid to spend money on something they'll wear once. However, I am respectful enough that if the choir teacher wants everyone in red sweaters then I'll get a red sweater for my kid.

Will you? Or do you task your spouse with something you don't actually want to do either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

And multiple people have said they have their things about the way the house is run and their spouse has theirs and it works for them. WTH are you to decide there's only one right way?

I'm curious what you think marriage should look like if "your partner should care about your happiness and your kids happiness" is a controversial statement.

My happiness is not dependent on doing things my way or caring about trivial things the way I care about them, such as setting the table right.

I would love to invite your spouse to this conversation...

To laugh in your face? He will tell you about all the things I do "wrong" that he cares about. I'm sure his list is longer than mine. But we have a sense of humor about it that you seem to lack.

Yes, you sound like you have a wonderful sense of humor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

And multiple people have said they have their things about the way the house is run and their spouse has theirs and it works for them. WTH are you to decide there's only one right way?

I'm curious what you think marriage should look like if "your partner should care about your happiness and your kids happiness" is a controversial statement.

My happiness is not dependent on doing things my way or caring about trivial things the way I care about them, such as setting the table right.

I would love to invite your spouse to this conversation...

To laugh in your face? He will tell you about all the things I do "wrong" that he cares about. I'm sure his list is longer than mine. But we have a sense of humor about it that you seem to lack.

Yes, you sound like you have a wonderful sense of humor.

The complainers in here aren't really giving off fun and and happy vibes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He tried. My husband doesn’t know how to make a cup of coffee or sweep the kitchen.

I can't imagine finding a man who can't do basic tasks sexy. He can't sweep? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually have the same problem. After 26 years, DH still puts the napkin on the right with the knife and spoon on it and it drives me crazy. But I just change it and don’t make a federal case out of it.

Why is that a problem?

Because Princess is putting on airs acting like Tuesday supper is a State Dinner.

The rules of etiquette are the same everywhere. There is not one set of rules for Tuesday supper and a completely different one for a State Dinner.

I think this is comforting for kids. It can bring a sense of normalcy even in extreme situations. Ma Ingalls made sure that the girls set the table correctly out on the frontier. So did the Girl Guide leaders at the Weixian Internment Camp during WWII.

Establishing routines and patterns that can be followed in any situation makes difficult things psychologically easier to handle.

Who decided the rules of etiquette and under what authority?

Are you the same poster who insisted that it was ridiculous for kids to need a red sweater for the school chorus trip? You are a nightmare.

That makes me think you're the type of make work room parent who decided last minute on red sweaters, or crazy socks, or coordinated t-shirts without any input.

Well, you'd be wrong. I hate the stupid spirit days or wear orange days. Don't get me started on crazy socks - my kids don't like them so we don't own them and I think it's stupid to spend money on something they'll wear once. However, I am respectful enough that if the choir teacher wants everyone in red sweaters then I'll get a red sweater for my kid.

Will you? Or do you task your spouse with something you don't actually want to do either.

I'd have a conversation with my spouse and we'd decide who was best able to obtain the red sweater given our schedules. We'd both think it was equally stupid but we'd both be willing to do it because that's kind of how a partnership works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He tried. My husband doesn’t know how to make a cup of coffee or sweep the kitchen.

I can't imagine finding a man who can't do basic tasks sexy. He can't sweep? Come on.

+1

Are you asking him to make a cappuccino? Those actually aren't hard to make, I figured it out after almost 50 years of not drinking coffee on a fancy machine. And sweeping? My kids could sweep when they were young. PP's husband is the definition of weaponized incompetence.

It's not that OP's husband CAN'T follow a print out of where things go, it's that he DGAF. OP can either decide that that's a problem or not, but don't tell me someone "can't" set the table or "can't" make coffee or sweep. GMAFB.

[Anonymous]

People. The red sweater was for the nursing home Christmas caroling. This was in addition to the plate of cookies.

Do better at recalling unnecessary make-work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually have the same problem. After 26 years, DH still puts the napkin on the right with the knife and spoon on it and it drives me crazy. But I just change it and don’t make a federal case out of it.

Why is that a problem?

Because Princess is putting on airs acting like Tuesday supper is a State Dinner.

The rules of etiquette are the same everywhere. There is not one set of rules for Tuesday supper and a completely different one for a State Dinner.

I think this is comforting for kids. It can bring a sense of normalcy even in extreme situations. Ma Ingalls made sure that the girls set the table correctly out on the frontier. So did the Girl Guide leaders at the Weixian Internment Camp during WWII.

Establishing routines and patterns that can be followed in any situation makes difficult things psychologically easier to handle.

Who decided the rules of etiquette and under what authority?

Are you the same poster who insisted that it was ridiculous for kids to need a red sweater for the school chorus trip? You are a nightmare.

That makes me think you're the type of make work room parent who decided last minute on red sweaters, or crazy socks, or coordinated t-shirts without any input.

Well, you'd be wrong. I hate the stupid spirit days or wear orange days. Don't get me started on crazy socks - my kids don't like them so we don't own them and I think it's stupid to spend money on something they'll wear once. However, I am respectful enough that if the choir teacher wants everyone in red sweaters then I'll get a red sweater for my kid.

Will you? Or do you task your spouse with something you don't actually want to do either.

I'd have a conversation with my spouse and we'd decide who was best able to obtain the red sweater given our schedules. We'd both think it was equally stupid but we'd both be willing to do it because that's kind of how a partnership works.

Cool. If that works for your house. But we don't make every minor decision by committee in my house and it works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the table yourself if it's important to you. This seems like a lot of stress over something that would take you two minutes. Let him cook or clean or do something he actually sees value in.

But it takes zero minutes to do it correctly if you are already doing it. You have to set the fork down somewhere. Why not put it where it goes?

Because I'd rather just serve myself in the kitchen and all sit around a table, or place a basket of utensils at the end of the table and grab one on my way to my seat depending on what I know I will be eating. I tend to eat everything possible with a spoon while dh only uses forks (except for soup), DS and i like tiny utensils and DH likes big ones, etc. We all just grab our own silverware. Why are we setting a table with uniform cutlery when we all prefer different?

But if it is super important to DH, he can do it himself. Just like he doesn't like how I fold his socks, so he does all laundry now because it's important to him. I didn't like how he loaded the dishwasher, so it's now my job. The person who thinks it's the most important is responsible in our house.

Woah. Okay. You sound like an extremely difficult person. It sounds like you do what you want, and it doesn’t sound like you are trying to fit in with larger society.
I agree that I would not ask you to do anything outside of your preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the table yourself if it's important to you. This seems like a lot of stress over something that would take you two minutes. Let him cook or clean or do something he actually sees value in.

But it takes zero minutes to do it correctly if you are already doing it. You have to set the fork down somewhere. Why not put it where it goes?

It can go all together for people who prefer to eat more buffet style. They actually make things like utensil caddies specifically for this. Are you going to tell us that's all wrong? We do almost all our holiday dinners like this. I guess we all just hate each other.

No. I’m not saying that’s wrong. If there were a buffet and everyone preferred to use a utensil caddy, then the answer would NOT be for OP to take the utensils and do her preferred table setting herself. That would actually be pretty rude. The answer would be for her to figure out what your family does and go with it.

I really don’t get what’s so difficult here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He tried. My husband doesn’t know how to make a cup of coffee or sweep the kitchen.

I think this is less like learning to make coffee and more like your husband refusing to pour your coffee into the coffee mug you like.
Just why?

He actually doesn’t know how to. He’s never had to learn.