My niece just screwed herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First The check wasn’t “cashed” it probably was deposited. And Two days after the wedding - she was on her honeymoon!?I bet she had someone deposit ALL of them at once, so sadly, she may not even know that you gave it.

I made my kids send thank you notes when they were really young. As they get older, they verbally told people thank you and sent text. I’m sure if you sent my 20yo son something today he would not say thank you or think send a thank you note, especially if he did not have your phone number and he wouldn’t even know where to buy a thank you card.

So, maybe you are better off not giving your niece anything else. Just know that if it was deposited, it was likely spent. It probably came in handy. And if it helps you not to give her anything else, then do what gives your heart peace. But if she didn’t even realize you gave her the first gift, she probably isn’t expecting anything (else) from you anyway.

No way. She probably deposited it on her phone. Undoubtedly she knew her aunt sent her $1000, she just didn’t thank her for it for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you genuinely close with them and not trying to buy love? I ask because my mother gets herself into a rage over stuff like this and yes, saying stuff like "my niece just screwed herself" sounds like bitter rage. My mom never gives a gift without strings and when she gets a thank you note, it isn't enough. She wasn't praised enough or it wasn't personal enough or long enough. Then she brings up her generosity whenever she expects things and tries to guilt trip. So while she always gives the largest amount of money she feel she is purchasing all sorts of rights. The younger generation now does not engage at all-not even thank you notes. Parents still insist she be invited to gatherings, but everyone seems to avoid her.

Your mom is an anecdote of one. I guess nobody in your family wants this obnoxious gift giver around except others in her age range, and at gatherings the "younger generation" which apparently is everyone younger than your mom "avoid her". I wish you would take it upon yourself to tell your mom that nobody wants her gifts and they are not going to thank her for them so she can save her money for something else. Tell her there is no love to be purchased from all the family members younger than her. Do her a favor and at the same time help everyone else in your family avoid the irritation of getting those generous gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a niece and nephew who have literally never said thanks, in any way shape or form- text nessage, email, call, etc., for holiday or birthday. I always sent- since they were born. Finally last year, I decided to stop. They also don't respond to any texts asking " Hi, How are you?" Very immature.
Ages 28 and 26.

Sounds like you and the OP need better hobbies. Heck, I would your job alone would be enough to keep you from fixating on this.

Of course, if you don’t have a real job then all of this makes more sense…

[Anonymous]

DP.
I think we can agree that the most polite thing to do in a society is to be gracious and thank people who give them gifts - whether this be a friend or relative, whether it is a large or small gift. Niece should express gratitude in some way, in a timely manner, whatever that is.

But obviously we can't expect everyone to behave graciously.

So, the gracious thing to do is forgive, take the high road. Aunt shouldn't be proclaiming that niece has screwed herself - Aunt just sounds arrogant and unkind. Why would you want to sound like that?

The other probable conclusion is that there have been some negative family dynamics that has crossed from generation to generation. Family members expecting other family members to deliver, to provide, and not being appreciative of their efforts. No one saying thank you because it (the gift, the act or whatever) is just expected.

I think it would be reasonable for Aunt to check - "I'm just wondering if you received my gift". Hopefully niece is mature enough and gracious enough to express appreciation at that point. If she doesn't, I think it is Aunt's prerogative to decide no more gifts. But not sure the judgement, the "niece just screwed herself" is necessary.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how much of people's reactions is due to a different response to the use of "screwed"? My generation (thank-you note writing, just missed boomerdom) tends to use it as a synonym for "out of luck in a notable but not life-ruining way."

Back in the day, Hillary Clinton used it to describe the status of some people who missed their entry time on a White House holiday party, and she used it in the sense of "This is really unfortunate and I wish it could be fixed," but not as "THIS IS THE END OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR ADMINISTRATION," which is how a lot of you seem to be taking it. I guess it's become harsher over time?

[Anonymous]

My cousin and his wife did not send a thank you note after I paid thousands to fly my family to the wedding and pay for a rental car and lodging, and we gave a generous check.

You know how it changed my relationship with them? Not at all. They had a lovely wedding, during which time they both verbally thanked me and my family for being there. They danced with us. They provided a great meal and the opportunity to reunite with many family members. It was the last time I ever saw my granddad—it was one of the few times he ever got to hold my baby.

Why didn’t I get into a self-righteous snit, even thought I was a little hurt that they didn’t acknowledge the check? Because I’m not a perfect person. I sometimes fall short of perfect etiquette standards. Because as a human who makes mistakes, I cannot come down on people for making mistakes without being a massive hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a niece and nephew who have literally never said thanks, in any way shape or form- text nessage, email, call, etc., for holiday or birthday. I always sent- since they were born. Finally last year, I decided to stop. They also don't respond to any texts asking " Hi, How are you?" Very immature.
Ages 28 and 26.

Sounds like you and the OP need better hobbies. Heck, I would your job alone would be enough to keep you from fixating on this.

Of course, if you don’t have a real job then all of this makes more sense…

Lol, I have quite enough to do, thanks! But, no, there's not a place for that amount of immaturity, and after the age of 25, with not one acknowledgement of even a text, gift, or anything- there's no relationship.

I don't agree with OP, though- there's a year to acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these aunties, moms, older SILs and MILs on DCUM freaking out about their loss of significance and power lately. It really is such a sad sight to behold.

Mic drop.

Grow up and acknowledge your relationships and gifts. That is all. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much of people's reactions is due to a different response to the use of "screwed"? My generation (thank-you note writing, just missed boomerdom) tends to use it as a synonym for "out of luck in a notable but not life-ruining way."

Back in the day, Hillary Clinton used it to describe the status of some people who missed their entry time on a White House holiday party, and she used it in the sense of "This is really unfortunate and I wish it could be fixed," but not as "THIS IS THE END OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR ADMINISTRATION," which is how a lot of you seem to be taking it. I guess it's become harsher over time?

Difference between "being screwed" (unfortunate situation) and "screwing yourself" (you messed up and it's your fault because of something you did or didn't do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin and his wife did not send a thank you note after I paid thousands to fly my family to the wedding and pay for a rental car and lodging, and we gave a generous check.

You know how it changed my relationship with them? Not at all. They had a lovely wedding, during which time they both verbally thanked me and my family for being there. They danced with us. They provided a great meal and the opportunity to reunite with many family members. It was the last time I ever saw my granddad—it was one of the few times he ever got to hold my baby.

Why didn’t I get into a self-righteous snit, even thought I was a little hurt that they didn’t acknowledge the check? Because I’m not a perfect person. I sometimes fall short of perfect etiquette standards. Because as a human who makes mistakes, I cannot come down on people for making mistakes without being a massive hypocrite.

This is the correct response. It’s what I would do, too. At least I think I would, if I even bothered to track who sends me a thank you not not, which I do not. And before the biddies come after me: I do require my own children to write and send thank you notes!

[Anonymous]

Teach your kids to call or write to acknowledge a kindness or gift early. It's just common decency and it has a bad look as an adult. People wonder what is wrong with you, but they also wonder if
1. You even got the gift ( I often follow up and learn, no they didn't!)
2. The recipients just dislike you or something
3. Are you just kind of lazy?

It costs nothing to say thank you.

[Anonymous]

My nephew's wedding was a four-day affair with a number of printed pieces featuring original artwork/logo -save the date, invitation, welcome note, calendar of events, etc. I am absolutely sure whatever printer created all those cards, invitations, etc. suggested printing thank you notes, as well. And yet we never received one.

I'm going to choose to believe they wrote a heartfelt thank you and it's sitting in someone's underwear drawer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nephew's wedding was a four-day affair with a number of printed pieces featuring original artwork/logo -save the date, invitation, welcome note, calendar of events, etc. I am absolutely sure whatever printer created all those cards, invitations, etc. suggested printing thank you notes, as well. And yet we never received one.

I'm going to choose to believe they wrote a heartfelt thank you and it's sitting in someone's underwear drawer.

Hmm, how would it get there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much of people's reactions is due to a different response to the use of "screwed"? My generation (thank-you note writing, just missed boomerdom) tends to use it as a synonym for "out of luck in a notable but not life-ruining way."

Back in the day, Hillary Clinton used it to describe the status of some people who missed their entry time on a White House holiday party, and she used it in the sense of "This is really unfortunate and I wish it could be fixed," but not as "THIS IS THE END OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR ADMINISTRATION," which is how a lot of you seem to be taking it. I guess it's become harsher over time?

Do you see no difference between "they got screwed" and "they just screwed themselves?"

[Anonymous]

I don't think I've seen one response that said, I always send thank you notes or at least call or email a thank you for gifts I get, but I really don't care if anyone thanks me for gifts.

If anyone said that then I might believe that all these folks who think expecting a thank you is overreacting or selfish or whatever aren't the exact people who don't thank people.