s/o if you're on the fence about a second kid...

[Anonymous]

the post about moms of only children feeling put down by comments of moms of multiple kids got me thinking. i need to vent a little because i am an only child going through a really difficult time with my mom right now, and i want to provide my perspective to those of you who are on the fence about a second child. and this really is for folks on the fence-not people who physically or financially or emotionally or for any other reason can't or don't want a second. i'm not here and certainly don't want to make anyone feel bad about having only one kid...i had a happy childhood as an only and know plenty of only kids who likewise were/are happy. but, if you're on the fence and are able, please have a second kid. not so much for when they're young, but more for when you get old. dealing with ill and aging parents is hard work and having to do it alone has been crushing. i know it wouldn't have been a guarantee that my siblings (if i'd had any) would have been helpful in the current crisis, but there's a chance that they would have been able and willing to share this burden with me. the prospect of 30+ years being the sole caretaker for my mom is so daunting, and i long for a sibling more now that i ever did as kid.

[Anonymous]

Nice post OP. I'm sorry you're going through it alone. I amfortunate enough to have 3 siblings to ease the burden of caring for our parents. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

So, I was an only and now have two. There are days when I look at older DD and wonder if she would be happier as an only b/c she'd be getting undivided attention. OP you raise an interesting point for long down the road. Thing is, you never know what hand you will be dealt, and people with sibs might not end up needing to be caretakers at all. You just never know.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thinking I shouldn't have posted. I know it's not as simple as my post makes it seem. Having a second kid, especially after a having a healthy, happy first, is hard because of the risk that the second won't be healthy and/or happy. I should probably stop feeling sorry for myself and posting on DCUM and instead go to bed.

Apologies if I upset anyone.

[Anonymous]

You didn't upset anyone! I'm 23:39. Sounds like you need some support. I'm sure there are some support groups for people in your situation. It's hardnto ask for help, especially as an only when you've spent your whole life going it alone. Reach out, do a Google search. I don't even want to think what it will be like when my mom gets older or has a major health issue. Here's a big hug from one only to another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the post about moms of only children feeling put down by comments of moms of multiple kids got me thinking. i need to vent a little because i am an only child going through a really difficult time with my mom right now, and i want to provide my perspective to those of you who are on the fence about a second child. and this really is for folks on the fence-not people who physically or financially or emotionally or for any other reason can't or don't want a second. i'm not here and certainly don't want to make anyone feel bad about having only one kid...i had a happy childhood as an only and know plenty of only kids who likewise were/are happy. but, if you're on the fence and are able, please have a second kid. not so much for when they're young, but more for when you get old. dealing with ill and aging parents is hard work and having to do it alone has been crushing. i know it wouldn't have been a guarantee that my siblings (if i'd had any) would have been helpful in the current crisis, but there's a chance that they would have been able and willing to share this burden with me. the prospect of 30+ years being the sole caretaker for my mom is so daunting, and i long for a sibling more now that i ever did as kid.

OP I'm so sorry for your situation but I must say... my grandma had 10 children 8 are alive today. She's 80yo, widowed for the past 18 years. She was the only caretaker from my grandpa during his illness - he was bed-bound for 8 years before his death. We (me, my mom, my dad (their son) and my brother) moved to their town to be close by and to help my grandma with driving them around but my grandma was the only one taking real care of him every day.

Now, she's still independent but my father and his older sister are the only children who visit her regularly. They did such an amazing job raising my uncles and aunts during a time of very difficult economy in our country including war and still the children all followed their own path and never came back home.

Just having more children doesn't necessarily mean they'll come back to help you out when you need it.

[Anonymous]

I'll point out the other perspective. I'm one of three. I was the middle child who was basically ignored or compared. I have no relationship with my parents or siblings. I so wish I was the only one so I could've gotten some attention. People there is no guarantee that if you have multiples, that you would be a better parent or that sibling would be each others support system. Do what you think you can do the best job withis not because it's good to give a child support system. My best support system now is my husband and my friends. My husband is the only child and just learned to built good quality friends around him who are like family.

[Anonymous]

We're stopping at one. The money that we would have spent on 2 or more will go toward ensuring we have plenty of money for care when we're older.

[Anonymous]

There are no guarantees. I am one of two. My sister lives in the same city as my mom and my mom has always expected that my sister would be the one to help care for her in old age given the proximity. My sister is in her 40s and is dying from a rare and aggressive form of cancer. I am expecting my first child (in my 40s as well) within the week. I don't know if my sister will even be able to meet this child given how sick she is at the moment. So, I now will be raising a small child and caring for my mother from afar. Would I ever have guessed this scenario possible even 18 months ago? Nope. But, I will deal with it as it comes. Nothing else I can do.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this perspective, OP, no need to apologize.

I am the youngest of three and a mother of one. I am very close to both of my siblings (many years my senior) who have been a tremendous support throughout my whole life, and especially since our parents passed away.

My DH and I have a great time with our DD and can easily imagine a life with her as an only child without any sense of incompleteness. But I think that it would be better for both her and us if she had a sibling or two. No guarantees of course, but it's not like there are any guarantees with one child either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are no guarantees. I am one of two. My sister lives in the same city as my mom and my mom has always expected that my sister would be the one to help care for her in old age given the proximity. My sister is in her 40s and is dying from a rare and aggressive form of cancer. I am expecting my first child (in my 40s as well) within the week. I don't know if my sister will even be able to meet this child given how sick she is at the moment. So, I now will be raising a small child and caring for my mother from afar. Would I ever have guessed this scenario possible even 18 months ago? Nope. But, I will deal with it as it comes. Nothing else I can do.

But how would it have been better for either you or your parents to have had only one child? If that one were your sister, she would die young and your mom would have noone left. Even if you were the only one, you would still have spent 40+ years of your life without your sister. Would you have preferred that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll point out the other perspective. I'm one of three. I was the middle child who was basically ignored or compared. I have no relationship with my parents or siblings. I so wish I was the only one so I could've gotten some attention. People there is no guarantee that if you have multiples, that you would be a better parent or that sibling would be each others support system. Do what you think you can do the best job withis not because it's good to give a child support system. My best support system now is my husband and my friends. My husband is the only child and just learned to built good quality friends around him who are like family.

So what you are saying is that you would rather not to have been born?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are no guarantees. I am one of two. My sister lives in the same city as my mom and my mom has always expected that my sister would be the one to help care for her in old age given the proximity. My sister is in her 40s and is dying from a rare and aggressive form of cancer. I am expecting my first child (in my 40s as well) within the week. I don't know if my sister will even be able to meet this child given how sick she is at the moment. So, I now will be raising a small child and caring for my mother from afar. Would I ever have guessed this scenario possible even 18 months ago? Nope. But, I will deal with it as it comes. Nothing else I can do.

But how would it have been better for either you or your parents to have had only one child? If that one were your sister, she would die young and your mom would have noone left. Even if you were the only one, you would still have spent 40+ years of your life without your sister. Would you have preferred that?

Don't know where you are going with this one, troll. All I was stating is that having two kids doesn't mean that there will be two kids to take care of parents in old age - which was the point the OP was trying to make. Nice try to stir crap up!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really sorry you're going through what you are right now. What a lot of the pps are saying is right - there's no guarantees. My dad is one of five and he had to shoulder the burden for caring for his parents alone until they passed. Now he's caring for his sister's kids because she's sick. It's not that his other siblings can't help. They're very selfish and won't help. Having siblings doesn't always make life easier.

[Anonymous]

I was an only and have 2 and am SO glad to have the second... just rounds everything out so nicely - they will be compatriots later, much less worry for me about them later, and it is such a good time with both of them.