New parent hubris or just my own insecurity?

[Anonymous]

I saw on the Parenting forum that someone had coined the term "new parent hubris," which seems like a perfect phrase! I'm friendly with a woman who is a first time mom (former teacher, now SAHM) and she always has these confident answers for any situation or parenting question that moms in our circle have. I actually have three kids, and often still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. She only has one, but you couldn't tell based on how she projects. Part of me is really envious- how can a woman who only has one know more (or seem to) than someone who's on her third?? I don't know why this bothers me so much- I guess it's just my own insecurity. I think I'm a pretty good mom, but maybe it's part of the SAHM/WM thing that's getting to me. She has time to go to parenting classes on potty training and make neat crafts with her kids. If I make it to the gym at lunch and get everything through dinner to bath and bed with little to no drama, I feel accomplished!

I know BTDT moms can be dismissive of FTMs' advice, but a lot of times, this woman's advice seems spot on. She's a very nice person and I like her. But why do I feel so envious and also a slight bit resentful at the same time?

[Anonymous]

Sorry. that should be "make neat crafts with her kid" not "kids."

[Anonymous]

Actually, I've noticed that parents of one kids sometimes feel like they're experts because they know how to handle the situation with that one child. It's not uncommon to feel more out of it as a parent with more than one kid; it's amazing how things you do just the same with #2 have different outcomes or things that were successful with #1 have no effect or are bad for #2. It can be perplexing.

It's also personality. Some people are just know-it-alls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I've noticed that parents of one kids sometimes feel like they're experts because they know how to handle the situation with that one child. It's not uncommon to feel more out of it as a parent with more than one kid; it's amazing how things you do just the same with #2 have different outcomes or things that were successful with #1 have no effect or are bad for #2. It can be perplexing.

It's also personality. Some people are just know-it-alls.

Yes, this could be annoying even if she is right. Also, OP, you said she's a teacher - maybe she picked up a bunch of info that way. Regardless, sounds like there is something about her that rubs you the wrong way. That might be the case even if she was giving advice on how to get the best deal in negotiating for a new car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw on the Parenting forum that someone had coined the term "new parent hubris," which seems like a perfect phrase! I'm friendly with a woman who is a first time mom (former teacher, now SAHM) and she always has these confident answers for any situation or parenting question that moms in our circle have. I actually have three kids, and often still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. She only has one, but you couldn't tell based on how she projects. Part of me is really envious- how can a woman who only has one know more (or seem to) than someone who's on her third?? I don't know why this bothers me so much- I guess it's just my own insecurity. I think I'm a pretty good mom, but maybe it's part of the SAHM/WM thing that's getting to me. She has time to go to parenting classes on potty training and make neat crafts with her kids. If I make it to the gym at lunch and get everything through dinner to bath and bed with little to no drama, I feel accomplished!

I know BTDT moms can be dismissive of FTMs' advice, but a lot of times, this woman's advice seems spot on. She's a very nice person and I like her. But why do I feel so envious and also a slight bit resentful at the same time?

Well, she is a teacher so presumably has some training and experience dealing with young children.

But the affliction you're describing is quite common actually. Especially among parents that follow certain "philosophies" and have done a lot of "research" and thus have strongly held views about how things are supposed to go. You know them by the fact that they were militant (I'm sorry -- "assertive") in dealing with the doctors during their pregnancy, insisting on some optimal birth scenario, believe in nursing for two years, family beds, baby-wearing, and all the rest.

We call them sancti-mommies.

[Anonymous]

I think you're talking about me...

I always get this kind of talk from friends and DH's friends who're having babies also talk about me in this manner behind my back. I worked in childcare for several years so the experience is part of it but also personality helps a lot.

Friends always came to me for advice in every single aspect of their lives since I was a teenager. I have 2 careers and both times I went to college my colleagues always commented on how confident I was. I will never forget our first day in our school clinic - nursing school - and everybody was getting their first patient that day. Some were all sweaty, others were shaking and I ended up giving 5 shots that day because all my colleagues were so nervous they could not do it. I saw my patient and theirs.

I have a lot of great friends because of this but some people don't like my attitude - I always have something to say about everything - and they can't tolerate it. I don't really care, in the end I think I end up helping more people being this way.

The only down side of this all is the criticism I get from my mom. She thinks I'm not that smart since I can't make money out of it. She said I should find a way to apply this strength into something lucrative. Anyway, I think being a teacher makes me happy enough so I'll just stay put.

[Anonymous]

We call them sancti-mommies.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we sometimes have the new parent hubris. We have 5 mo twins and I know that a lot of parents of older kids probably roll their eyes behind our backs because of it. Some of it is research, but sometimes I take on that air of experience because for several months up to the birth we joined our local multiples club and spent a lot of time, getting a whole bunchy of experience from couples who had twins or triplets ranging from infants to adults with children of their own (there was one family where the grandmother had twins and her daughter (not one of the twins) was also a member because she had adolescent twins of her own). We also got a lot of good feedback from the staff of the NICU where our kids were born. They gave us the benefit of their many years and many babies experiences. So with all of those experiences behind me, we sometimes sound more sure that we are based on our own experiences. I know that doesn't make me an expert, just a amateur with a lot of guidance, but it does make me more confident sometimes in how I talk.

We also know VERY WELL, how every child is different. I try very much to go with the philosophy of "this worked for us, but there are many other things that work for other children". Since our twins are very, very different in most things, I'm well aware that there is rarely a one-solution-fits-all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're talking about me...

I always get this kind of talk from friends and DH's friends who're having babies also talk about me in this manner behind my back. I worked in childcare for several years so the experience is part of it but also personality helps a lot.

Friends always came to me for advice in every single aspect of their lives since I was a teenager. I have 2 careers and both times I went to college my colleagues always commented on how confident I was. I will never forget our first day in our school clinic - nursing school - and everybody was getting their first patient that day. Some were all sweaty, others were shaking and I ended up giving 5 shots that day because all my colleagues were so nervous they could not do it. I saw my patient and theirs.

I have a lot of great friends because of this but some people don't like my attitude - I always have something to say about everything - and they can't tolerate it. I don't really care, in the end I think I end up helping more people being this way.

The only down side of this all is the criticism I get from my mom. She thinks I'm not that smart since I can't make money out of it. She said I should find a way to apply this strength into something lucrative. Anyway, I think being a teacher makes me happy enough so I'll just stay put.

Don't be ashamed. Own it.

So many of the posts I see on here are about...how do I be more confident, how do I be more forceful, etc.

You either are confident in who you are, or you are not. I'm a strong, independant woman. If you don't like it. Get over it - I've got lots of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're talking about me...

I always get this kind of talk from friends and DH's friends who're having babies also talk about me in this manner behind my back. I worked in childcare for several years so the experience is part of it but also personality helps a lot.

Friends always came to me for advice in every single aspect of their lives since I was a teenager. I have 2 careers and both times I went to college my colleagues always commented on how confident I was. I will never forget our first day in our school clinic - nursing school - and everybody was getting their first patient that day. Some were all sweaty, others were shaking and I ended up giving 5 shots that day because all my colleagues were so nervous they could not do it. I saw my patient and theirs.

I have a lot of great friends because of this but some people don't like my attitude - I always have something to say about everything - and they can't tolerate it. I don't really care, in the end I think I end up helping more people being this way.

The only down side of this all is the criticism I get from my mom. She thinks I'm not that smart since I can't make money out of it. She said I should find a way to apply this strength into something lucrative. Anyway, I think being a teacher makes me happy enough so I'll just stay put.

Don't be ashamed. Own it.

So many of the posts I see on here are about...how do I be more confident, how do I be more forceful, etc.

You either are confident in who you are, or you are not. I'm a strong, independant woman. If you don't like it. Get over it - I've got lots of friends.

Thanks.

And like the twins PP, I always make sure to say that this approach has worked for us but X,Y and Z has worked for others and I will also talk about others' experiences.

I once read a phrase in another board and it really stuck with me: "... After becoming a parent I learned to just ignore the name of the book, author or the website and embrace whatever works for my family". I don't believe in philosophies or styles, I believe in loving parents making choices based on the best interest of their families.

[Anonymous]

Well... I'm a former elementary school teacher. I do think my parenting was somewhat improved by my having studied child development. This was most helpful WRT encouraging my child's language and literacy progress.

But it's hard to imagine this training and experience conferring across-the-board expertise. Parenting is always a learning experience for all of us. I expect her appearance of confidence has more to do with her personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We call them sancti-mommies.

Struck a nerve, eh sancti?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
And like the twins PP, I always make sure to say that this approach has worked for us but X,Y and Z has worked for others and I will also talk about others' experiences.

I once read a phrase in another board and it really stuck with me: "... After becoming a parent I learned to just ignore the name of the book, author or the website and embrace whatever works for my family". I don't believe in philosophies or styles, I believe in loving parents making choices based on the best interest of their families.

Dear goodness, NO. There are a lot of nut jobs out there who will tout everything from the benefits of not vaccinating your children to spanking babies. Please, vet your sources! Some are actually based upon sound research, whereas others are just opinions with made-up facts and anecdotes. I'm not saying that double-blind studies and peer-reviews journal articles are always right, but they are far more reliable than some random website or interesting book.

OP, some parents, whether they have 1 or 4 children, just give good advice. Other parents, whether they have 1 or 4 children, will consistently give you bad advice. If you like this woman's perspective, which seems to be backed up by her professional observation of 100s of children, then accept it gratefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're talking about me...

I always get this kind of talk from friends and DH's friends who're having babies also talk about me in this manner behind my back. I worked in childcare for several years so the experience is part of it but also personality helps a lot.

Friends always came to me for advice in every single aspect of their lives since I was a teenager. I have 2 careers and both times I went to college my colleagues always commented on how confident I was. I will never forget our first day in our school clinic - nursing school - and everybody was getting their first patient that day. Some were all sweaty, others were shaking and I ended up giving 5 shots that day because all my colleagues were so nervous they could not do it. I saw my patient and theirs.

I have a lot of great friends because of this but some people don't like my attitude - I always have something to say about everything - and they can't tolerate it. I don't really care, in the end I think I end up helping more people being this way.

The only down side of this all is the criticism I get from my mom. She thinks I'm not that smart since I can't make money out of it. She said I should find a way to apply this strength into something lucrative. Anyway, I think being a teacher makes me happy enough so I'll just stay put.

OP here. Do you mean that I'm literally talking about you? No, I don't think I am- my friend has not had two careers. But as I said in my original post, my friend's advice is often on the money. I envy your confidence, and hers too. I wish I could be more like you.

I think what bothers me is that her life seems too perfect and mine is so not. Not that I'm unhappy- I'm actually pretty happy and have a wonderful marriage. But where she cook gourmet meals with her kid and runs to playdates with him, my husband and I struggle each week to cook meals that 3 kids with different tastes will eat, so forget about gourmet meals. I guess it's just plain old jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Some people just have good time management skills.

I do. People always say "you always seem to have it so together" - it's because I know how to management my time and organize things well.

Some people are gifted at playing the piano and some people can hit a homerun. I can organize ANYTHING. That sounds like your friend. Her life is together because she's makes it so.