New parent hubris or just my own insecurity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're talking about me...

I always get this kind of talk from friends and DH's friends who're having babies also talk about me in this manner behind my back. I worked in childcare for several years so the experience is part of it but also personality helps a lot.

Friends always came to me for advice in every single aspect of their lives since I was a teenager. I have 2 careers and both times I went to college my colleagues always commented on how confident I was. I will never forget our first day in our school clinic - nursing school - and everybody was getting their first patient that day. Some were all sweaty, others were shaking and I ended up giving 5 shots that day because all my colleagues were so nervous they could not do it. I saw my patient and theirs.

I have a lot of great friends because of this but some people don't like my attitude - I always have something to say about everything - and they can't tolerate it. I don't really care, in the end I think I end up helping more people being this way.

The only down side of this all is the criticism I get from my mom. She thinks I'm not that smart since I can't make money out of it. She said I should find a way to apply this strength into something lucrative. Anyway, I think being a teacher makes me happy enough so I'll just stay put.

PP, my DH just read this and says you are my long lost twin. He says I am crazy for always giving free advice to everyone that ends up being really valuable for them (both in terms of time and money). He is a lawyer and always says that he gets to bill $800 per hour for his advice and I am giving away the milk for free

[Anonymous]

HaHa!

Hi 5, PP

/

[Anonymous]

Dealing with this right now with my best friend. Been very close for the last 20 yrs. I have 2 kids, she spent 18 mo on fertility treatments, is now 6 mo pregnant with twins. Until Dec the we're renting a 1 bedroom in NYC and now she wants some picture perfect life in a couple million dollar home. She is talking about spending through all their savings on decorating. Hasn't taken a word of advice from others bc she knows it all. I can't wait till the day one of her precious snowflakes stains the couch...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a fan of confidence and turned off by women who are afraid of it.

Ditto.

I'm also an anti-fan of the misuse of sanctimonious, which is a description of behavior rooted in hypocrisy. I've said it before on here and I'll say it again: people who practice what they preach are by definition not sanctimonious. People who preach one thing and practice another behind closed doors are sanctimonious. Words have meanings, and it's difficult to impossible to respect people who judge and attempt to label others with words they themselves don't (one can only infer) understand. The label you are probably looking for is "holier than thou" or "self-righteous," which would only apply when people are actually preaching and judging others for their perceived failures to live up to certain standards. As far as I can tell, the judgment typically flows one way around here and I'll give you a hint, it's not from the attachment parenting crowd. Okay, pet peeve rant over.

I think that's what makes "sanctimommy" a perfect word. Many of those who lecture and condescend on how to parent tend to find limitations in those methods and don't really practice what they preach behind closed doors. I've seen this first-hand. I'm sure there are exceptions, but those who preach one thing (don't let your snowflake watch TV it ROTS THEIR BRAINS) but then does another (oh, it's only a video on You Tube) are sanctimommies.

It's a brilliant word that captures the Mommy Wars aptly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We call them sancti-mommies.

Struck a nerve, eh sancti?

What struck me about the "we call them sancti-mommies" post was thesuch blanket statements aligning sanctimonious parenting with certain beliefs (extending BFing, bedsharing, etc.) I don't share those particular stances (bedsharing, "attachment parenting" in the way I've seen described on this board) but it's just as rude/annoying/sanctimonious for you to put them down and give them a stupid label as they are for preaching their gospel about mommy milk, etc. You're a sancti-mommy yourself in your own way. And it's a dumb label.

No, I'm not a sancti-mommy because I don't pretend to be perfect or tell you what's best. I'm just a raving bitch. There's a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your thoughts. To be clear, I don't think my friend is a sanctimommy.

I was trying to think of a good example of what bothers me - She'll talk with absolute confidence about potty training when someone asks a question, but she has yet to train her child, who is 2. How can you be so sure about potty training when you've never done it? She went to a potty training class though.

I just try to remember that we have different lives- not judging either as better or worse, just different. She has one child and stays at home. Said child is 2. I have 3 children, 2 of whom are older than hers. I work out of the home.

You are leaving out the fact that she's also been a kindergarten teacher, who in her early education training has probably observed and taught dozens of children in various stages of potty training, in addition to having taken a class on it (and who of us "normal" moms have done this?). Parents also unload a lot of personal anecdotes about potty training, feeding, etc., so all of that information gets registered into a kindergarten teacher's bank of knowledge. Remember that most of us moms have potty trained two kids, which isn't much more than one, and have read maybe a couple of books on the topic.

If your friend seems spot-on most of the time, take advantage of it! Don't turn it into a negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your thoughts. To be clear, I don't think my friend is a sanctimommy.

I was trying to think of a good example of what bothers me - She'll talk with absolute confidence about potty training when someone asks a question, but she has yet to train her child, who is 2. How can you be so sure about potty training when you've never done it? She went to a potty training class though.

I just try to remember that we have different lives- not judging either as better or worse, just different. She has one child and stays at home. Said child is 2. I have 3 children, 2 of whom are older than hers. I work out of the home.

You are leaving out the fact that she's also been a kindergarten teacher, who in her early education training has probably observed and taught dozens of children in various stages of potty training, in addition to having taken a class on it (and who of us "normal" moms have done this?). Parents also unload a lot of personal anecdotes about potty training, feeding, etc., so all of that information gets registered into a kindergarten teacher's bank of knowledge. Remember that most of us moms have potty trained two kids, which isn't much more than one, and have read maybe a couple of books on the topic.

If your friend seems spot-on most of the time, take advantage of it! Don't turn it into a negative.

OP here- I never said she was a kindergarten teacher, because she wasn't...she was a middle school teacher. If that makes a difference....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your thoughts. To be clear, I don't think my friend is a sanctimommy.

I was trying to think of a good example of what bothers me - She'll talk with absolute confidence about potty training when someone asks a question, but she has yet to train her child, who is 2. How can you be so sure about potty training when you've never done it? She went to a potty training class though.

I just try to remember that we have different lives- not judging either as better or worse, just different. She has one child and stays at home. Said child is 2. I have 3 children, 2 of whom are older than hers. I work out of the home.

You are leaving out the fact that she's also been a kindergarten teacher, who in her early education training has probably observed and taught dozens of children in various stages of potty training, in addition to having taken a class on it (and who of us "normal" moms have done this?). Parents also unload a lot of personal anecdotes about potty training, feeding, etc., so all of that information gets registered into a kindergarten teacher's bank of knowledge. Remember that most of us moms have potty trained two kids, which isn't much more than one, and have read maybe a couple of books on the topic.

If your friend seems spot-on most of the time, take advantage of it! Don't turn it into a negative.

This is so true. I taught K and 1st grade and have spent so much time in grad classes and research on early childhood development and have known and watched so many different parents that I do just know a ton of stuff that my friends who are lawyers, doctors, consultants et al, just don't know.

I think the issue with them is that they are not used to being the LEAST knowledgeable person in a room. Usually they feel like they are the smartest in a room, but being a law partner does not prepare you for stand offs with a 3 year old, and as a former teacher, I am ready for battle and have lots of useful tips for them. It is a turning of the tables for many highly educated women.

The women who have good self esteem get it and ask me for tips and advice all the time, the ones who think I am a know it all are usually know it alls themselves that are just pissed because they don't know it all about kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your thoughts. To be clear, I don't think my friend is a sanctimommy.

I was trying to think of a good example of what bothers me - She'll talk with absolute confidence about potty training when someone asks a question, but she has yet to train her child, who is 2. How can you be so sure about potty training when you've never done it? She went to a potty training class though.

I just try to remember that we have different lives- not judging either as better or worse, just different. She has one child and stays at home. Said child is 2. I have 3 children, 2 of whom are older than hers. I work out of the home.

You are leaving out the fact that she's also been a kindergarten teacher, who in her early education training has probably observed and taught dozens of children in various stages of potty training, in addition to having taken a class on it (and who of us "normal" moms have done this?). Parents also unload a lot of personal anecdotes about potty training, feeding, etc., so all of that information gets registered into a kindergarten teacher's bank of knowledge. Remember that most of us moms have potty trained two kids, which isn't much more than one, and have read maybe a couple of books on the topic.

If your friend seems spot-on most of the time, take advantage of it! Don't turn it into a negative.

OP here- I never said she was a kindergarten teacher, because she wasn't...she was a middle school teacher. If that makes a difference....

It does make some difference, I don't know why I assumed she was a K teacher. Sorry. Still, I'm guessing that even as a middle school teacher, she's taken courses on pedagogy, child development, and has mastered time-management with children, etc., which is all valuable info. Keep her as a friend and try to get over her area of "specialization"--when your kids are in middle school, you'll definitely want her around!

[Anonymous]

OP here. 9:32, I definitely will keep her around as a friend! As I said before, I like her and wasn't looking to dump her in any way. Maybe using the phrase "new parent hubris" was too harsh, so I regret that choice of words. The reason I think her advice is often sound is that my mom has been an early childhood educator all her life and she also gives me a lot of the same advice (and I totally trust my mom- she's a terrific teacher!).

I agree- I'll be asking her lots of questions come middle school!

[Anonymous]

ITA with PPs. A teacher, no matter what grade she teaches, has all the tricks about how to get te LOs to clean up, help with chores and we can't forget THE KNOW HOW TO TEACH!!!!! just this weekend during superbowl my friend was getting all sweaty trying to explain to her 3yo how to put the shapes through a shape sorter for kindergartens. The kid was getting frustrated, the mom was getting angry and I was just watching.

While she was gone to pick up more chips I quickly showed him what he was doing wrong and how it worked and when mom came back TA-DA! He was doing it!!!

Obviously, if any of you were humble enough to ask your "friend" sitting right by your side how to do it you'd have learned a new thing but no! She's a know-it-all and you'd rather suffer and get frustrated/angry towards your child than recognize that someone who's a FTM of a child younger than yours knows more about teaching children than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ITA with PPs. A teacher, no matter what grade she teaches, has all the tricks about how to get te LOs to clean up, help with chores and we can't forget THE KNOW HOW TO TEACH!!!!! just this weekend during superbowl my friend was getting all sweaty trying to explain to her 3yo how to put the shapes through a shape sorter for kindergartens. The kid was getting frustrated, the mom was getting angry and I was just watching.

While she was gone to pick up more chips I quickly showed him what he was doing wrong and how it worked and when mom came back TA-DA! He was doing it!!!

Obviously, if any of you were humble enough to ask your "friend" sitting right by your side how to do it you'd have learned a new thing but no! She's a know-it-all and you'd rather suffer and get frustrated/angry towards your child than recognize that someone who's a FTM of a child younger than yours knows more about teaching children than you.

Hey-- as a former teacher myself, I would have preferred the child figure the sorter trick out on his own! That's really what those things are for!

[Anonymous]

With the way mom was behaving added to the child's personality I doubt he'd figure it out before his HS graduation day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ITA with PPs. A teacher, no matter what grade she teaches, has all the tricks about how to get te LOs to clean up, help with chores and we can't forget THE KNOW HOW TO TEACH!!!!! just this weekend during superbowl my friend was getting all sweaty trying to explain to her 3yo how to put the shapes through a shape sorter for kindergartens. The kid was getting frustrated, the mom was getting angry and I was just watching.

While she was gone to pick up more chips I quickly showed him what he was doing wrong and how it worked and when mom came back TA-DA! He was doing it!!!

Obviously, if any of you were humble enough to ask your "friend" sitting right by your side how to do it you'd have learned a new thing but no! She's a know-it-all and you'd rather suffer and get frustrated/angry towards your child than recognize that someone who's a FTM of a child younger than yours knows more about teaching children than you.

Hey-- as a former teacher myself, I would have preferred the child figure the sorter trick out on his own! That's really what those things are for!

[Anonymous]

Like everything in life, some people are just naturally great parents, others have to work pretty hard at it to be good, and others even with effort still aren't great. Life experience with children certainly helps. Experience with only your own child only gives you experience with 1,2,3..kids. Experience as a teacher, daycare worker, pediatric health professional etc has given you experience with hundreds of kids with differing characteristics and in numerous situations. Does it mean you are an expert - no but it gives you a whole bag of tricks to pull from, persepctives to take, strategies to try etc...

My SIL has 4 kids (in 5 yrs) and is a SAHM - she makes parenting look like a breeze...she had years of daycare experience, is extremely organized and just naturally 'gets it'. Of course she has moments when they drive her mad but she gets out with them everyday, does crafts, has them in activities, makes 3 meals a day, keeps her house looking neat and tidy (no extra help). and four kids with four totally different personalities - all well behaved, all potty trained by 2, all sleep through the night. No luck of the draw - just amazing parenting. She can't even really explain how she does it and isn't really one to give advice but I know many people are jealous in that they wish they were her!

[Anonymous]

ITA!