New parent hubris or just my own insecurity?

[Anonymous]

I have one child and I'll tell anybody, sometimes I dont know what the hell I'm doing. I love my child and I'm doing the best I can do. Ironically, my SIL has no children/no training in child development but she has all the answers. But then I think she falls into category of one of those people who knows it all about everything.
I do have mommy friends who have it all together though so I know what the poster is talking about. That's when it helps to have a sense of humor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We call them sancti-mommies.

Struck a nerve, eh sancti?

What struck me about the "we call them sancti-mommies" post was thesuch blanket statements aligning sanctimonious parenting with certain beliefs (extending BFing, bedsharing, etc.) I don't share those particular stances (bedsharing, "attachment parenting" in the way I've seen described on this board) but it's just as rude/annoying/sanctimonious for you to put them down and give them a stupid label as they are for preaching their gospel about mommy milk, etc. You're a sancti-mommy yourself in your own way. And it's a dumb label.

[Anonymous]

It do think it can go both ways, and prob does not have much to do with how many children one has; I think it has more to do with the mom's personality. For example, a lot of my friends and I are lectured a LOT of by this one mutual friend who has 8 children. Let's just say: she takes parenting VERY seriously. If another parents does something differently (say: daycare instead of SAH, or: organic milk but not free-range chicken eggs) she will tell them she disagrees and tell them way, and send them e-mail links, and offer to lend them books, etc. The whole 9 yards!! I don't know how to tell her, "Just sit back and take a big chill pill." She has alienated a lot of our mutal friends b/c of this, which is just a shame. So, I do think it can go both ways. . . Not so much based upon # of kids, but just the parent's personality in the first place!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people just have good time management skills.

I do. People always say "you always seem to have it so together" - it's because I know how to management my time and organize things well.

Some people are gifted at playing the piano and some people can hit a homerun. I can organize ANYTHING. That sounds like your friend. Her life is together because she's makes it so.

I didn't think the issue was time management. I thought it was parenting know-how (or possibly a shade of know-it-all).

As an aside, I once marveled at a new acquaintance and (at the time) new mother's togetherness, only to be told that this was because she was "very organized". Later I came to understand that this meant she got other people to do amazing volumes of stuff for her, including having housekeeping help, extended-day daycare that allowed her a couple of hours to decompress/ take care of business on her own at home after work every day, and a husband who runs around in circles doing almost everything other home- and family- related task. We could all be equally "organized" under such favorable circumstances!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw on the Parenting forum that someone had coined the term "new parent hubris," which seems like a perfect phrase! I'm friendly with a woman who is a first time mom (former teacher, now SAHM) and she always has these confident answers for any situation or parenting question that moms in our circle have. I actually have three kids, and often still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. She only has one, but you couldn't tell based on how she projects. Part of me is really envious- how can a woman who only has one know more (or seem to) than someone who's on her third?? I don't know why this bothers me so much- I guess it's just my own insecurity. I think I'm a pretty good mom, but maybe it's part of the SAHM/WM thing that's getting to me. She has time to go to parenting classes on potty training and make neat crafts with her kids. If I make it to the gym at lunch and get everything through dinner to bath and bed with little to no drama, I feel accomplished!

I know BTDT moms can be dismissive of FTMs' advice, but a lot of times, this woman's advice seems spot on. She's a very nice person and I like her. But why do I feel so envious and also a slight bit resentful at the same time?

I'm the "new parent hubris" lady and I am tickled pink that it's coming into common use!

That said, OP, I know how you feel, and I only have one. I think that it's partly your insecurity, and to that extent, acknowledging that that's a problem does a lot to make the problem go away. I think the posters who mention that your friend maybe has more skills in entertaining children and keeping house than you do. This is definitely true for me - I knew I would be terrible at it and so I went back to work. I wish that I could do more; there are times when I sit at work daydreaming of fun craft projects or investigating classes that DD and I could take (always during the week, thanks yoga studios for that ) I think (but obviously have no personal experience with, since I just have the one) that there is a real difference, logistically, between one and more than one. Even those craft projects you and I dream about would be complicated by having, say, a 6 month old and a 3 year old, versus a 2 year old and a 5 year old.

We are all dealing with issues. Sometimes they are different issues. Sometimes they are the same. You sound like you're doing just fine.

[Anonymous]

It was just figure of speech.

And don't get your friend wrong, plenty of things are not perfect but our way of dealing with it give the impression that we don't have hard times.

Like PP said I think it also has something to do with management skills. DH jokes all the time saying I should quit all my careers and go corporate. I'd be a very successful project manager.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're talking about me...

I always get this kind of talk from friends and DH's friends who're having babies also talk about me in this manner behind my back. I worked in childcare for several years so the experience is part of it but also personality helps a lot.

Friends always came to me for advice in every single aspect of their lives since I was a teenager. I have 2 careers and both times I went to college my colleagues always commented on how confident I was. I will never forget our first day in our school clinic - nursing school - and everybody was getting their first patient that day. Some were all sweaty, others were shaking and I ended up giving 5 shots that day because all my colleagues were so nervous they could not do it. I saw my patient and theirs.

I have a lot of great friends because of this but some people don't like my attitude - I always have something to say about everything - and they can't tolerate it. I don't really care, in the end I think I end up helping more people being this way.

The only down side of this all is the criticism I get from my mom. She thinks I'm not that smart since I can't make money out of it. She said I should find a way to apply this strength into something lucrative. Anyway, I think being a teacher makes me happy enough so I'll just stay put.

OP here. Do you mean that I'm literally talking about you? No, I don't think I am- my friend has not had two careers. But as I said in my original post, my friend's advice is often on the money. I envy your confidence, and hers too. I wish I could be more like you.

I think what bothers me is that her life seems too perfect and mine is so not. Not that I'm unhappy- I'm actually pretty happy and have a wonderful marriage. But where she cook gourmet meals with her kid and runs to playdates with him, my husband and I struggle each week to cook meals that 3 kids with different tastes will eat, so forget about gourmet meals. I guess it's just plain old jealousy.

[Anonymous]

I'm a fan of confidence and turned off by women who are afraid of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a fan of confidence and turned off by women who are afraid of it.

Ditto.

I'm also an anti-fan of the misuse of sanctimonious, which is a description of behavior rooted in hypocrisy. I've said it before on here and I'll say it again: people who practice what they preach are by definition not sanctimonious. People who preach one thing and practice another behind closed doors are sanctimonious. Words have meanings, and it's difficult to impossible to respect people who judge and attempt to label others with words they themselves don't (one can only infer) understand. The label you are probably looking for is "holier than thou" or "self-righteous," which would only apply when people are actually preaching and judging others for their perceived failures to live up to certain standards. As far as I can tell, the judgment typically flows one way around here and I'll give you a hint, it's not from the attachment parenting crowd. Okay, pet peeve rant over.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all your thoughts. To be clear, I don't think my friend is a sanctimommy.

I was trying to think of a good example of what bothers me - She'll talk with absolute confidence about potty training when someone asks a question, but she has yet to train her child, who is 2. How can you be so sure about potty training when you've never done it? She went to a potty training class though.

I just try to remember that we have different lives- not judging either as better or worse, just different. She has one child and stays at home. Said child is 2. I have 3 children, 2 of whom are older than hers. I work out of the home.

[Anonymous]

There is a saying that the more you know, the more you realize you don't know. Also, you are getting just a snapshot of your friend at a moment in time. She may be "on the money" in this instant, but you don't know if she is like this across the board in her life. No one is totally perfect! Life takes you in different directions and has many ups and downs. It doesn't always go according to plans no matter how organized you are. The only thing you can do is the best YOU can at the moment. If there is something your friend does that you admire, such as planning, organization or parenting, then learn from it and possibly incorporate it into your own way of doing things, but don't beat yourself up about it.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP from the other thread wherein the very clever pp introduced us to the "new parent hubris" term. I agree that it's a remarkably descriptive and on-point term. I would also say that someone who has never actually potty trained a single child herself, but yet tells everyone else how to do it, would qualify as guilty of hubris. It does depend on how it's presented - someone who says "this has worked for some and so does that," or "I read that this could help" would seem to me to simply be sharing potentially helpful information. Someone who says, this is how you do it (period), yet hasn't actually done it themselves... yeah, that's where the line gets crossed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your thoughts. To be clear, I don't think my friend is a sanctimommy.

I was trying to think of a good example of what bothers me - She'll talk with absolute confidence about potty training when someone asks a question, but she has yet to train her child, who is 2. How can you be so sure about potty training when you've never done it? She went to a potty training class though.

I just try to remember that we have different lives- not judging either as better or worse, just different. She has one child and stays at home. Said child is 2. I have 3 children, 2 of whom are older than hers. I work out of the home.

OP, after reading this I'm afraid it's just you who's insecure.

Your friend is clearly just trying to help passing on information she has learned in a class. She's confident overall, what clearly rubs you the wrong way so whatever she says will sound preachy to you.

I'd just let it go and open my ears to what she has to say. It might help you or it might not. I'd rather pay attention and learn, but that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your thoughts. To be clear, I don't think my friend is a sanctimommy.

I was trying to think of a good example of what bothers me - She'll talk with absolute confidence about potty training when someone asks a question, but she has yet to train her child, who is 2. How can you be so sure about potty training when you've never done it? She went to a potty training class though.

I just try to remember that we have different lives- not judging either as better or worse, just different. She has one child and stays at home. Said child is 2. I have 3 children, 2 of whom are older than hers. I work out of the home.

I'd be annoyed by that too! It'd be one thing if she was humble about it and just genuinely trying to share information. "Well, I haven't gone through it yet, but at the potty training class they told us XYZ -- do you think that would help?" I'm gathering from your description that she doesn't present her information like that!

But you say that most of the time she does have good information -- so you have a choice -- either hang on to her as a friend, despite her annoying trait, because she actually has useful information; or dump her.

You might also be jealous of her life. That happens! I do feel like the people who seem to have the best lives have all ended up divorced, though, 8 years later. So sometimes you never know.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a thoughtful, gentle person with a good head on your shoulders. Your friend sounds pretty insensitive and clueless. Oftentimes we call this personality type "confident" but in reality these people are just as or most likely more insecure than the rest of us - such as the PP on here who talked about how everyone else was sweaty but she was GREAT! Do you have any idea how boastful you sound? That's not confidence, that's just a lack of emotional IQ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a thoughtful, gentle person with a good head on your shoulders. Your friend sounds pretty insensitive and clueless. Oftentimes we call this personality type "confident" but in reality these people are just as or most likely more insecure than the rest of us - such as the PP on here who talked about how everyone else was sweaty but she was GREAT! Do you have any idea how boastful you sound? That's not confidence, that's just a lack of emotional IQ.

"Boastful" PP here.

I'm just talking like that because this is anonymous. I'd NEVER dare to talk like that IRL. I don't really know how you can conclude from a couple of phrases where I described my experience that I have no control over my emotions. Just because I was not showing my excitement and apprehension does it mean I have a problem of emotional intelligence? Where did that come from???

And as far as I know, there's no such a thing as "emotional IQ", there's what we all know as IQ and EI - one's ability to perceive, manage and understand their emotions. (see? here I can talk like that no probs but I'd never correct someone like this in person)

You know what, OP?

The reaction of this PP reminds me of a very common occurrence in my life that I almost forgot about. Some people have always called me pretentious, arrogant, snob but much much more people have called me self confident, competent, optimistic, bubbly, cheerful, etc. Through out my life I've found that people who want to grow and learn migrate towards me and they're always around while people with jealous and envious personalities tend to keep a distance and make comments about me but they never really just leave me behind.

This reminds me of something mom always said to me when I was growing up -" Your attitude instigates envy, jealousy and anger. Be careful with what you say and who you associate with" And I carry those words in my heart, always.