how to get DH on board with raising our child with religion?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are very different people but are fortunate in that we agree philosophically on most things: money, politics, education, and from what I can see we have pretty similar views on parenting styles. The thing that is driving me nuts is that we are on two completely different planets when it comes to religion. I was raised Catholic and consider myself to be spiritual and believe in God, though I do not necessarily agree with some of the views of the Catholic church. I still go to church once in a blue moon (I would definitely go more if he'd go with me) and I pray almost every day. I have had a few major life struggles and I really do believe that my faith helped me make it through in one piece. We were married in the Catholic church, with a full mass and agreed to raise our children Catholic.

This is where things start to break down. We argued while dating and living together about the role of religion in our lives. I didn't want or expect him to go to church with me every week, but felt that if we were at my parents' home for the holidays he should attend mass on Christmas with us. It was very embarrassing for me that he would stay home. We finally came to an agreement that I would drop it for now but that when we had children, he would support my efforts to raise them Catholic and would attend mass with us each week. Well, we are expecting our first baby in the spring and DH has totally reneged on this. It is really upsetting me a lot, more than I ever thought it would. He claims that he never agreed to go to mass with us each week, WHICH HE DID. He also refuses to go with me to sign our family up as parishioners (at our local parish church, you can only sign up immediately after mass, which is kind of awkward to do by yourself) so we can get our daughter baptized. He promised he would go with me to do that and we kept putting it off for weeks -when I finally said, ok, we are running out of time and we need to get this done, he went back on his word and refused. He is okay with the baptism itself, but wants nothing to do with it - which is not possible!

I'm just starting to get frustrated with all of this. I am not trying to convert him and I respect his beliefs. Past generations of his family practiced a non-Christian religion (neither he nor his parents practice it) and he self-identifies as that religion in a cultural sense, which is fine. I am not trying to change anything. I just want him to support me, AS HE AGREED, and I can't do this by myself. I want my daughter to grow up going to church every Sunday with her parents the way I did, and I don't think I can handle a baby or toddler alone in church each week - not to mention the fact that as she gets older, she won't want to go, and the fact that her father isn't going will make it so much harder.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm a practicing Catholic, and I am raising my three kids Catholic. My husband is an atheist.

I'm confused why you need him to go to mass with you on Christmas or with you to church on Sundays. My husband has gone to church for family weddings, and our kids baptisms, and I don't expect him to go to anything other than that sort of thing.

You are absolutely able to sign yourself and your children up as parishioners even if he isn't there too. It sounds like you are disappointed that he doesn;t believe and want to change him.

[Anonymous]

Agrew with PP -- you don't just want to raise your child catholic, you want your DH to be right their beside you. And he can't and really shouldn't, because he doesn't believe.

You need to do this yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't think you are sticking with the agreement.

You knew he didn't want to be a part of your religion and accepted that. He agreed to let you raise the kids Catholic, but never agreed to be Catholic himself.

Both of you need to sit down with your kids and explain that Dad doesn't believe, but Mom does. Take your children without him and let them explore your religion.

I'm guessing that you are having a hard time getting them to go and that they'd rather stay home with Dad? If that is the case then you need to talk to your kids, not Dad. Maybe see if there are more kid-friendly programs? (Sunday school, etc).

[Anonymous]

I think the idea of forcing someone to sit through a service every Sunday that they didn't believe in is incredibly selfish.

I think it is bad enough that you are trying to impose this nonsense on your child, let alone your husband. Unfortunately for you though, while you can force a child to be subjected to this drivel, you have no ability to subject an adult to it. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Another vote for by yourself.

My Muslim husband will come to religious events with me, like family baptisms, weddings, funerals. But that's it. Maybe your husband would agree to that type of compromise if you agreed to not push the weekly attendance thing. I would HATE it if I had to go to a mosque every Friday. Once in awhile for special occasions is fine, and fun. But not as a weekly thing. I think that's asking too much.

[Anonymous]

Use the old-timey religious methods: beatings and shame.

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a practicing Catholic, and I am raising my three kids Catholic. My husband is an atheist.

I'm confused why you need him to go to mass with you on Christmas or with you to church on Sundays. My husband has gone to church for family weddings, and our kids baptisms, and I don't expect him to go to anything other than that sort of thing.

You are absolutely able to sign yourself and your children up as parishioners even if he isn't there too. It sounds like you are disappointed that he doesn;t believe and want to change him.

This is my situation as well but my DH is Jewish.

OP, if your DH is Jewish that is doubly difficult because he is likely extremely uncomfortable in a Christian religious context. The fact that he is ok with you going ahead speaks volumes about him supporting you in your choice - but to go farther and try to MAKE him, an adult, get on board is asking way too much on your part.

Practice your religion and raise your kids in it, with DH's (passive) support. I think that should be enough.

[Anonymous]

Agree OP you are asking for more than was promised. If you wanted a catholic husband you should have married a catholic man. I am cathlic was raised catholic and my father was not catholic and only rarely attended mass with us. It can be done, you just don't want to do now what you agreed to.

[Anonymous]

OP: I can understand your points if we had not previously agreed that he would attend mass with us every week. THAT is what I am upset about. My father, for example, was not Catholic but I would never have known the difference because he went to church with us every week and encouraged our religious beliefs just as much as my mom did. Same with an uncle of mine.

I would totally agree with everything you all are saying IF DH DID NOT AGREE PREVIOUSLY to attend mass with us every week. That's just what is upsetting me.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should feel fortunate that your DH is allowing you to raise the kids as catholics. But it sounds like your argument is not about the kids, though. You want to control your husband too... a disaster waiting to happen, IMO.

[Anonymous]

OP - people change. Let it go. He is being honest with you. And he is not your father.
My husband is Christian but hates organized religion. So if I want to take the children to church, its on me. Yes, its hard. But there is no stigma to going alone with children. many families do it.

[Anonymous]

I have a slightly different take on things. My DH is not Catholic (non-practicing Baptist- but not religious really), but does attend Mass with me. These days we have a rambunctious toddler so he stays home with that one while I take our older child, but he'll come to church with my family and me.

I have never, ever asked him to convert and I never ever would. I've even offered to attend Baptist services with him but he's not interested. He had to write an autobiographical essay once for something and I read it. On the subject of religion, he stated that he planned to eventually convert b/c he thought it was important to have a united front for the kids. If this is true and it does come to pass, I would ask him only to do it if he sincerely wants to.

My sister dated a man who was an evangelical Christian. Religion broke them up.

I do agree with the others that the onus is on you, but I would be very angry with DH if he broke a promise without good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I can understand your points if we had not previously agreed that he would attend mass with us every week. THAT is what I am upset about. My father, for example, was not Catholic but I would never have known the difference because he went to church with us every week and encouraged our religious beliefs just as much as my mom did. Same with an uncle of mine.

I would totally agree with everything you all are saying IF DH DID NOT AGREE PREVIOUSLY to attend mass with us every week. That's just what is upsetting me.

Some agreements that people make before marriage, in the abstract, feel entirely different after marriage, in reality. See e.g. threads about agreements re: # of kids people will have, or whether they will/won't have kids. These sorts of agreements/"contracts" are subject to change once the reality of married life is established.

I'm the PP with the Jewish DH and am raising our kids as Christians. Pre-marriage, DH and I never talked about this issue because at that time, neither of us practiced any religion and we did not anticipate doing so in the future. After ten years, the birth of our child, and the death of my father, I felt entirely different and indeed, *compelled* to raise our kids with religion. DH balked and we talked it through over a long period of time. Eventually we came to our current understanding based on the then-current reality of our family and respective feelings about religion.

Your DH is human, and has a different religious background than you do. At a minimum, he identifies culturally with a non-Christian religion. This makes it hard - in real life - for him to swallow the idea of going to Mass every week. What about this is hard to understand? Have you talked to him about how he feels about this now that you are married and contemplating kids?

IMO if he is agreeing that you raise the child/ren Catholic, that is a big concession on his part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I can understand your points if we had not previously agreed that he would attend mass with us every week. THAT is what I am upset about. My father, for example, was not Catholic but I would never have known the difference because he went to church with us every week and encouraged our religious beliefs just as much as my mom did. Same with an uncle of mine.

I would totally agree with everything you all are saying IF DH DID NOT AGREE PREVIOUSLY to attend mass with us every week. That's just what is upsetting me.

PP with Muslim husband. I do understand your being upset about this. I do. But let me offer a perspective from the other side of this: Before marriage, I originally agreed send any kids we had to a private Islamic school. I researched it. Learned about the curriculum, etc., and agreed. And genuinely meant that. All before having kids.

But when we ended up actually having kids, and I learned what my daily/regular interaction would be with any school, I no longer felt comfortable with that promise. I am fortunate that my husband at least tried to compromise on this (and we did -- private secular school). And we're happy. The kids go to Islamic Weekend School, and my husband is the primary participating parent there. I am the primary participating parent at regular school functions. We both go when we can, but you get the picture.

If this issue is not a deal breaker for your marriage, and I hope it's not, try to find a compromise you can both live with.