how to get DH on board with raising our child with religion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are very different people but are fortunate in that we agree philosophically on most things: money, politics, education, and from what I can see we have pretty similar views on parenting styles. The thing that is driving me nuts is that we are on two completely different planets when it comes to religion. I was raised Catholic and consider myself to be spiritual and believe in God, though I do not necessarily agree with some of the views of the Catholic church. I still go to church once in a blue moon (I would definitely go more if he'd go with me) and I pray almost every day. I have had a few major life struggles and I really do believe that my faith helped me make it through in one piece. We were married in the Catholic church, with a full mass and agreed to raise our children Catholic.

This is where things start to break down. We argued while dating and living together about the role of religion in our lives. I didn't want or expect him to go to church with me every week, but felt that if we were at my parents' home for the holidays he should attend mass on Christmas with us. It was very embarrassing for me that he would stay home. We finally came to an agreement that I would drop it for now but that when we had children, he would support my efforts to raise them Catholic and would attend mass with us each week. Well, we are expecting our first baby in the spring and DH has totally reneged on this. It is really upsetting me a lot, more than I ever thought it would. He claims that he never agreed to go to mass with us each week, WHICH HE DID. He also refuses to go with me to sign our family up as parishioners (at our local parish church, you can only sign up immediately after mass, which is kind of awkward to do by yourself) so we can get our daughter baptized. He promised he would go with me to do that and we kept putting it off for weeks -when I finally said, ok, we are running out of time and we need to get this done, he went back on his word and refused. He is okay with the baptism itself, but wants nothing to do with it - which is not possible!

I'm just starting to get frustrated with all of this. I am not trying to convert him and I respect his beliefs. Past generations of his family practiced a non-Christian religion (neither he nor his parents practice it) and he self-identifies as that religion in a cultural sense, which is fine. I am not trying to change anything. I just want him to support me, AS HE AGREED, and I can't do this by myself. I want my daughter to grow up going to church every Sunday with her parents the way I did, and I don't think I can handle a baby or toddler alone in church each week - not to mention the fact that as she gets older, she won't want to go, and the fact that her father isn't going will make it so much harder.

Any advice?

Just to clarify, you *think* he agreed to go to Mass every week when the kids were born. Obviously, he says he doesn't believe you had any such agreement. Given that there are just two of you, I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt, and assume you jumped to conclusions (ALL CAPS is not evidence). I'd recommend couples counseling so you two can talk through this in a supportive environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I can understand your points if we had not previously agreed that he would attend mass with us every week. THAT is what I am upset about. My father, for example, was not Catholic but I would never have known the difference because he went to church with us every week and encouraged our religious beliefs just as much as my mom did. Same with an uncle of mine.

I would totally agree with everything you all are saying IF DH DID NOT AGREE PREVIOUSLY to attend mass with us every week. That's just what is upsetting me.

IF he agreed to it because you brow beat him and he was trying to get you off his back then its not valid. I think you need to back off religion is not something that is forced. How do you know your Dad didn't resent having to go to church?

The difference is you DO know that DH doesn't want to go. So why force it? How would that benefit your family at all? What kind of message would that send to your girls?

I understand you are upset, but you need to respect your husbands feelings and stop fighting about religion. These issues could really erode away your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I can understand your points if we had not previously agreed that he would attend mass with us every week. THAT is what I am upset about. My father, for example, was not Catholic but I would never have known the difference because he went to church with us every week and encouraged our religious beliefs just as much as my mom did. Same with an uncle of mine.

I would totally agree with everything you all are saying IF DH DID NOT AGREE PREVIOUSLY to attend mass with us every week. That's just what is upsetting me.

Why on Earth would a non-believer "encourage [his kid's] religious beliefs just as much as [their] mom"? I would probably say, "Your mom believes this; I believe otherwise." Why should he have to "stay in the closet"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just starting to get frustrated with all of this. I am not trying to convert him and I respect his beliefs. Past generations of his family practiced a non-Christian religion (neither he nor his parents practice it) and he self-identifies as that religion in a cultural sense, which is fine. I am not trying to change anything. I just want him to support me, AS HE AGREED, and I can't do this by myself. I want my daughter to grow up going to church every Sunday with her parents the way I did, and I don't think I can handle a baby or toddler alone in church each week - not to mention the fact that as she gets older, she won't want to go, and the fact that her father isn't going will make it so much harder.

Any advice?

Actually it sounds like you are doing the opposite of this. Why force someone who is not catholic to go to church with you every week? Sorry but if you respected your husband you would allow him to make his own decisions in this area and respect them. You are in the wrong trying to FORCE someone to go to church with you when they dont want to. BTW It is pointless to take a baby/toddler to church. Go by yourself now, and as your child reaches a more appropriate age, take her with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - people change. Let it go. He is being honest with you. And he is not your father.
My husband is Christian but hates organized religion. So if I want to take the children to church, its on me. Yes, its hard. But there is no stigma to going alone with children. many families do it.

I agree with this. And, it's ludicrous (and dangerous to your relationship) to compare your DH to your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I can understand your points if we had not previously agreed that he would attend mass with us every week. THAT is what I am upset about. My father, for example, was not Catholic but I would never have known the difference because he went to church with us every week and encouraged our religious beliefs just as much as my mom did. Same with an uncle of mine.

I would totally agree with everything you all are saying IF DH DID NOT AGREE PREVIOUSLY to attend mass with us every week. That's just what is upsetting me.

Well, you said he agreed, he says he didn't. I'm afraid it's a your word against his at his point. How do we really know who said what?. Since both of you are at an impasse there. I say drop it. I agree with other PPs, you can't make him go to church. This is something YOU want, and trust me I say this as a religious person myself who was raised in church, you have to bear this burden alone and pray God opens his heart (as my Mom use to do for my Dad). He is not saying you shouldn't take your DC to church, he just doesn't want to go himself, I don't think God will hold that against you.

He is your husband not your Dad or Uncle so umm...he will probably do things differently than they did/do.

My parents both went to church when I was little but my Mom decided she needed a livelier and more spiritual church. She left our espicopalian parish to join an evangelical one. None of us, not my Dad or any of the kids followed her there. On sundays, everybody parted ways and attended whatever church spoke to them. Not exactly your situation but close.

One thing I always hold to heart in my religious teachings is that religion/spirituality is not about where you are at 10am on sundays, it's about what's in your heart, your belief in God, your values and actions that glorify God.
Going to church every sunday does not a christian make, teach your DC that and leave appearances in the trash where they belong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I can understand your points if we had not previously agreed that he would attend mass with us every week. THAT is what I am upset about. My father, for example, was not Catholic but I would never have known the difference because he went to church with us every week and encouraged our religious beliefs just as much as my mom did. Same with an uncle of mine.

I would totally agree with everything you all are saying IF DH DID NOT AGREE PREVIOUSLY to attend mass with us every week. That's just what is upsetting me.

There are three possible observations about this situation:

1) You browbeated him into saying he'd do this and now that it's no longer an abstraction he's grown a spine.

2) He didn't actually agree to this but your interpretation of his words led you to believe he did.

3) He DID agree to it and has changed his mind. Which he has EVERY RIGHT TO DO.

Also, your expectation that he should behave like your father is just downright creepy.

Divorce him. Not like you're going to be together in the afterlife (according to your religion).

[Anonymous]

Why would you even want to subject your husband to religious services he doesn't want to attend? That's not cool.

[Anonymous]

You should watch the Simpsons episode, Homer the Heretic.

Classic line, Homer to God, "I'm not a bad guy, I work hard, and I love my kids...so why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?".

Maybe you are not one OP but many people go to church for appearances sake only. The remaining odd hours during the week, they are running around acting a fool. I don't think God or Jesus enjoys being patronized. At least your husband is not choosing this path, which is something you should be teaching your child.

[Anonymous]

Do what you feel is best for you and your kids. Don't base your decision on your husband's unwillingness to attend. Perhaps over time, he'll WANT to be a part of this aspect of your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should watch the Simpsons episode, Homer the Heretic.

Classic line, Homer to God, "I'm not a bad guy, I work hard, and I love my kids...so why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?".

Maybe you are not one OP but many people go to church for appearances sake only. The remaining odd hours during the week, they are running around acting a fool. I don't think God or Jesus enjoys being patronized. At least your husband is not choosing this path, which is something you should be teaching your child.

LOL I like you! DH used to give me strange looks when I applied lessons from the Simpsons to real life. Good one, PP.

[Anonymous]

I would just do it by myself. Sign the book, schedule the baptism. Invite your DH but don't push.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should watch the Simpsons episode, Homer the Heretic.

Classic line, Homer to God, "I'm not a bad guy, I work hard, and I love my kids...so why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?".

Maybe you are not one OP but many people go to church for appearances sake only. The remaining odd hours during the week, they are running around acting a fool. I don't think God or Jesus enjoys being patronized. At least your husband is not choosing this path, which is something you should be teaching your child.

LOL I like you! DH used to give me strange looks when I applied lessons from the Simpsons to real life. Good one, PP.

HA! hello Bestie. In my world, if it's good enough for the Simpsons, it's good enough for me. Like you, I also get strange looks when I quote the Simpsons, so what if I'm a 32 year old married mother of 1?.

I just pretend it's them, not me.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think the fact that you DH is not even christian should have been a warning to you that he would not live up to his promise (assuming he even made it).

I think you need to decide what is more important. Have you DH sitting next to you in church on Sunday or having a peaceful and happy marriage. I hope you choose the latter.

Having your DH next to you in church will look good to the other parishoners but at the end of the day it makes not difference in your own connection to your religion. Just leave him to make his own decisions - as others have said maybe he will choose to join you at some time in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I can understand your points if we had not previously agreed that he would attend mass with us every week. THAT is what I am upset about. My father, for example, was not Catholic but I would never have known the difference because he went to church with us every week and encouraged our religious beliefs just as much as my mom did. Same with an uncle of mine.

I would totally agree with everything you all are saying IF DH DID NOT AGREE PREVIOUSLY to attend mass with us every week. That's just what is upsetting me.

IF he agreed to it because you brow beat him and he was trying to get you off his back then its not valid. I think you need to back off religion is not something that is forced. How do you know your Dad didn't resent having to go to church?

The difference is you DO know that DH doesn't want to go. So why force it? How would that benefit your family at all? What kind of message would that send to your girls?

I understand you are upset, but you need to respect your husbands feelings and stop fighting about religion. These issues could really erode away your relationship.

The fact that he is allowing you to take the kids and baptize them is a major concession. I would not want my kids to be baptized as Catholic or to attend CCD or any of that. That would have been a marriage deal breaker for me. FWIW, my husband and I are of different religions and we don't browbeat one another into pretending to observe our religions.