how to get DH on board with raising our child with religion?

[Anonymous]

Raising kids Catholic (or any other religion) absolutely can be done alone. My mom did it. Every Sunday, she took the kids to church while dad sat out. My dad never went to church with us except for special occasions like our baptisms (which I'm sure my mom planned & arranged by herself), first communions and confirmations and occasionally on Christmas. He was involved in pretty much every other aspect of our lives, but organized religion wasn't for him. I never even thought about it or felt like it was odd growing up- that's just the way it was.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also grew up wanting to be in a marriage where the whole family would attend church together, as my family did. Before we were married, my DH led me to believe that he would attend church with me after we were married, but after we were married when I wanted to start looking for a church, he said that he really didn't intend on going with me, he had just said what he knew I wanted to hear. So for years, I didn't attend church because I was uncomfortable to go alone. Finally, when our children were young, I decided that it was crazy for me to not do something that was so important to me, and I wanted the children to get a foundation of faith, so I started going to a local church where I knew some members. I found that there were quite a few people there who attended without their spouse, and that made me feel better. My DH does attend at Christmas, and when the children are involved in something.

If you really want to attend church, do it. Don't let your disappointment in your DH's decision keep you from doing what is important to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I can understand your points if we had not previously agreed that he would attend mass with us every week. THAT is what I am upset about. My father, for example, was not Catholic but I would never have known the difference because he went to church with us every week and encouraged our religious beliefs just as much as my mom did. Same with an uncle of mine.

I would totally agree with everything you all are saying IF DH DID NOT AGREE PREVIOUSLY to attend mass with us every week. That's just what is upsetting me.

I would hate to think if my DH held me accountable to all the things I "promised" when we were in the silly dating phase of our relationship. I think I promised to cook dinner every night.

OP: grow up....people change. Or you could always pretend it is the inquisition and force him under torture to go with you.

Signed,

A Catholic whose DH does not attend church with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you're really pissed because he said he would attend mass and participate in the baptisim, but has reneged. So...what do you want the outcome to be here? Force your husband to participate in a religious activity that makes him uncomfortable every week for the next 18 years because he once said he would? As PPs have pointed out, people change their minds about these things once the reality of child-rearing sets in. Yes, it's frustrating to have your expectations tossed aside -- I really do sympathize with that. But there isn't really a remedy here that you're going to like -- you can't reasonably hold him to his earlier statements, not if he's changed his mind. (And just FYI, get used to having your expectations tossed aside -- children are absolute EXPERTS at it.)

Move forward with the info you have now: your husband is not willing to be an active participant in your kids' religious upbringing, but will not oppose it. How do you want to go forward from here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also grew up wanting to be in a marriage where the whole family would attend church together, as my family did. Before we were married, my DH led me to believe that he would attend church with me after we were married, but after we were married when I wanted to start looking for a church, he said that he really didn't intend on going with me, he had just said what he knew I wanted to hear. So for years, I didn't attend church because I was uncomfortable to go alone. Finally, when our children were young, I decided that it was crazy for me to not do something that was so important to me, and I wanted the children to get a foundation of faith, so I started going to a local church where I knew some members. I found that there were quite a few people there who attended without their spouse, and that made me feel better. My DH does attend at Christmas, and when the children are involved in something.

If you really want to attend church, do it. Don't let your disappointment in your DH's decision keep you from doing what is important to you!

That is unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

OP,

It sounds like you have an issue in that you're embarrassed that your DH isn't Catholic. As others have said, there is no reason you can't raise your kids Catholic without him having to be at church with you every week. Maybe he's just reacting to your melodrama. If this were really about raising your kids Catholic, compromise would be easy - he supports you (supports you taking the kids to mass and signing them up for CCD, helping out by watching a sick kid while you take the other to mass, tells the kids they have to go, etc.), and he goes on holidays, one Sunday every three months, to special occasions - whatever you workout.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, this thread has actually been (relatively) polite and a source of good advice for the OP. I'm kind of shocked, but in a good way

OP, you are very close to this situation right now, and of course you are upset. I hear you that you're more upset that you feel he lied to you, or misled you, or something along those lines. However, if you wait a little while, and come back to this with a cooler head, I think you will see the good advice these people are giving you. Would you want your DH to require you to attend services at his religious house of choice every single week, when you did not believe in the religion? That is the definition of hypocritical, and believe me, that's not a good foundation for your children. In this day and age, religion is even less of a moving force than it was when we were children, and customs change. People no longer feel like they *have* to go to church to keep up appearances. Yes, it is disappointing, and you have every right to BE disappointed. But what is better-a happy husband who knows his views are respected, although not necessarily agreed with, or a husband who is forced to attend mass against his will, and is resentful and argumentative? Your DH is not your dad, and so you can do one of two things-let this lie a bit and come back to it when you've cooled, or leave the relationship. But please, don't force your DH to be someone he's not. That won't end well at all.