Reply to Unfair monetary treatment between me and step-siblings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH is in a similar boat with his Mom and Stepdad and stepsiblings.  Because DH and his sisters were married adults when his mother remarried, their stepfather never really became a father figure to them.  They have a fine relationship, but its not that of a parent.  His stepsiblings, however, were young preteens, so they gained a step-mother.  The relationship with them is really close and so while DH didn't gain a "father figure" or "siblings" his mother gained 3 new children.

This has caused various small issues.  The gifting isn't so lavish, but there is a clear discrepancy. Plus the numerous family vacations, birthday parties, special events, etc.  Obviously there is a different parent dynamic than what DH had growing up, but it still stings a bit when your mother starts taking her new kids on vacations that she told you as a child were too elaborate, or whatever. Rules changed and things she took a stance on in your experience all of a sudden become ok for the new set of kids. I imagine this is similar if you have a huge gap between biological siblings.

I think the biggest rub for DH and his siblings is family get-togethers. Step-siblings, step-father, and mother are laughing about shared memories, participating in their own family traditions, and DH's mom is cooking all of his step-siblings favorite foods.  Meanwhile, DH and his siblings are almost bystanders to this family.  All of their traditions, foods, and memories were basically wiped away. Also, the get-togethers have always been with his Mom and Stepfather, because they had to be home near "the girls" who live with their mother.  Even now that they are grown, we have to go to them because this precedent has basically been set. They would love to see us, but only if we come to them.

Ultimately, this is on DH's mother.  She made this choice to essentially embrace her new role and, not really ignore her children, but rely on the fact that they were adults and didn't "need" her the way the young stepkids did.  But what was reasonable when they were 11,12, 13, etc, has ultimately led to a completely different family dynamic now that they are also adults. And his mom has basically never acknowledged this or tried to counteract it in any way. In many ways, she is a better mother to those step kids than she was her own, and its hard for DH to observe that.

I get it OP. It stings.  Its not just the gifts.. but they are certainly salt on the wound. [/quote]

I think this is a pretty common scenario with a second batch of kids, whether it be step-siblings, or half-siblings, or just  much younger kids.  The parents are usually wealthier and have more time and experience, so they probably are "better" parents.  They have the time and money to travel and do fun things, so they take the younger kids along. This can be a bummer to the older kids who are in the middle of building their own careers and don't have time to take two weeks off to go to Europe, even if the parents wanted to include them.  I think even when people try to make everything "equal," it's just hard.  [/quote]

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