Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, but real life isn't like a TV show...we can see from reality shows that they aren't anything close to reality. Most adoptees are not looking for a family. They only want to know the circumstances of their birth, who they look like, their heritage and ethnicity. There is little else that can happen and they know that. Esoteric examples of stalking, harrassment, etc., are not a reality in this paradigm at all. There has been a lot of research on this. Overwhelmingly, these folks are just claiming their biological right, not their social right. For every example that is given regarding someone who has trespassed inappropriately, there is an equal example of a birth mother who has also trespassed after adoption, and yet both scenarios do not represent the actual situation by any critical percentage. The laws were not designed to protect the birth mothers, but the adoptive parents- so they can raise the children without fear. But none of this matters when that child is an adult. The parent or sibling of the original birth family absolutely cannot claim sole proprietary ownership of a biological heritage for generations to come. It is not theirs to own. There are the children and grandchildren and so on of that adopted child that are affected.

This is really spot on, especially the part about how it's very rare for the adoptee to cross inappropriate boundaries into the bio families' life.

You have no way of gauging this. Inappropriate contact may be any contact at all. It’s not fair to claim an adoptee’s “right” to know who they look like trumps the desire for privacy of the parent who made the decision to put their child up for adoption.

The adoptee's right to know does trump the parent's right to privacy. Having a baby is not private because it's not fair to make a person be a secret. It's not fair and now it's not even possible if the adoptee doesn't want to keep the secrete. I completely understand why that means women might be more likely to have an abortion than to place a baby for adoption. Personally, I would probably pick abortion over adoption.

Having the baby WAS PRIVATE per the adoption arrangement/agreement. So, yes, the birth parent did have a right to privacy here.

I guess we'll have to disagree on this. I don't think the birth parent gets to decide on behalf of the adoptee that the adoptee will maintain his/her birth as a secret. The good news is that modern technology being what it is, people should now understand that the person they are placing for adoption might come back later, and add that fact into their decisionmaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin found her birth mother and got dragged into a nasty situation. The birth mother was still an addict when she found her, but she didn't know this initially. The mother's boyfriend, also an addict, saw that my cousin had lived a pretty good, privileged life and threatened her. Kind of along the lines of, if you don't give us $$, we'll hurt your family type of threats. She had to get the police involved and both got arrested. Then the birth mother's other kids showed up and started harassing my cousin for having their mom arrested. In person harassing, like showing up at her house, and online as well. All any of them wanted was $$ from her. She even had people contacting her on Facebook with messages like, "hey, I heard you're Larla's daughter. You know she owes me $400 right?" and she was pretty terrified for about a year after she found her birth mother.

She really regrets finding her birth mother now. She has three adopted kids of her own (two open, 1 closed) and she's pretty terrified that the one who was a closed adoption will want to start looking when she turns 18 and will find something kind of along the lines of what she found.

A situation, however awful, but not at all typical. In this case, the adoptee can just easily get a restraining order. Most situations I see, and there are many, are just businesslike and politely cordial.
There may be a generational issue, too. Older adoptions had more to do with unplanned pregnancies, societal norms, etc. Later adoptions have more to do with other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

Most were closed. Many were at the behest of the mother's family who were embarrassed. Nope, she is entitled to know everything about her birth, who she is related to, and anything pertinent. She is not entitled to a relationship, though.
Your "misunderstanding" is that she was not a puppy to be sold. She deserves ALL information regardless of archaic laws. You are sorely misunderstood.

So get an order for medical information and leave them alone.

You cannot force someone to share their life story.

I met a woman, an adult adoptee. She insisted on pushing through, finding birth mom and getting her answers. Who is bio dad and why adoption? Who are the rest of my family? Well, bio dad is the S.O.B who kidnapped and raped bio mom. Not long after the adoptee got the answers she felt entitled to, bio mom killed herself. Now the adoptee has no answers. Her half siblings would have nothing to do with her. They knew nothing until she showed up.

Leave people alone when they have no interest. You have no clue what you could be dredging up.

This. Sister has no right to anything beyond that, if she even has that. Comparing adopted to kids to puppies, by the way, is disgusting.

Sure, it does sound disgusting, doesn't it? And yet, that is how children were processed. You got it.

Um, no. That's not what I said. What was the alternative in these situations? Forcing the mother to keep a child she didn't want? Having an abortion? Adopting the baby to a loving family to give him/her a chance at a nice life? That's not processing the child like a puppy, dick.

Let me guess, you're "pro life"?

Not a dick, not pro-life, not a child. I am a very left leaning progressive in favor of choice. I am older than your mother, likely. But if you find right leaning philosophies such as pro -life, difficult, why can't you see the hypocrisy in your own argument? The years of secrets and subjugation are over. What about the #Metoo movement? Why should these men be protected? Are you looking at the whole picture or are you just upset about a secret in your family that you don't want to deal with because you feel threatened about your family narrative?
You would do well to also engage rationally and with clear articulation without the insults, lack of punctuation and grammar, and wholesale denigration based on your one example.

[Anonymous]

I really hope all the right to life organizations realize what they’re doing to women down the line, when they encourage them to adopt because it gives them and their child a “better life”. You’re a prisoner either way. No one wants to pay for women to have access to contraception, but they want to insert themselves into their lives.m

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hope all the right to life organizations realize what they’re doing to women down the line, when they encourage them to adopt because it gives them and their child a “better life”. You’re a prisoner either way. No one wants to pay for women to have access to contraception, but they want to insert themselves into their lives.m

Do you think all the adopted kids wish they'd never been born? Some, I'm sure, have gone on to have difficult lives. But many have gone on to have fulfilling lives. So abortion isn't necessarily the better route. We don't know what the situations are in all the cases of adoption. It may be logical to you and me to have an abortion, but I won't wade into other families' religious beliefs and their views on the sanctity of life.

Frankly, I don't think abortion/anti abortion has a place in this discussion over closed adoptions and finding the birth mother. It's an entirely different topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope all the right to life organizations realize what they’re doing to women down the line, when they encourage them to adopt because it gives them and their child a “better life”. You’re a prisoner either way. No one wants to pay for women to have access to contraception, but they want to insert themselves into their lives.m

Do you think all the adopted kids wish they'd never been born? Some, I'm sure, have gone on to have difficult lives. But many have gone on to have fulfilling lives. So abortion isn't necessarily the better route. We don't know what the situations are in all the cases of adoption. It may be logical to you and me to have an abortion, but I won't wade into other families' religious beliefs and their views on the sanctity of life.

Frankly, I don't think abortion/anti abortion has a place in this discussion over closed adoptions and finding the birth mother. It's an entirely different topic.

I’m saying that if they had known their lives would be impacted / “blown up” 20 years down the line, many women may not have chosen adoption. They choose what they felt was best for both their child, and themselves. Now, that choice is being taken away. And so many on this thread are saying that’s okay.

It’s not. This was a conscious choice, years ago. And their right to their lives has to mean something too.

These children are not secret in their own lives. They have families that care for them. They are looking for more, where there may not be more. A choice to make an adoption closed is done so for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Maybe now men will be more on board with access to contraception and abortion knowing that in 18 years their marriages and families may be at risk because of an unplanned pregnancy.
No way I would adopt now days. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe now men will be more on board with access to contraception and abortion knowing that in 18 years their marriages and families may be at risk because of an unplanned pregnancy.
No way I would adopt now days. No way.

As far as I can tell most men are pro abortion and pro contraception. It is to their advantage, after all. Let's just not wreck this thread by wading into topics that really aren't relevant to the OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

Putting aside the issue of whether an adoptee has the right to find out who their birth parents are, to me the question is:

Once you know who they are-- then what?

I think all adoptees facing this should meeting with an adoptee support group or counselor. It's such a big and complex issue for everyone involved. Getting good advice about setting expectations, considering approaches and possible repercussions cannot be overemphasized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin found her birth mother and got dragged into a nasty situation. The birth mother was still an addict when she found her, but she didn't know this initially. The mother's boyfriend, also an addict, saw that my cousin had lived a pretty good, privileged life and threatened her. Kind of along the lines of, if you don't give us $$, we'll hurt your family type of threats. She had to get the police involved and both got arrested. Then the birth mother's other kids showed up and started harassing my cousin for having their mom arrested. In person harassing, like showing up at her house, and online as well. All any of them wanted was $$ from her. She even had people contacting her on Facebook with messages like, "hey, I heard you're Larla's daughter. You know she owes me $400 right?" and she was pretty terrified for about a year after she found her birth mother.

She really regrets finding her birth mother now. She has three adopted kids of her own (two open, 1 closed) and she's pretty terrified that the one who was a closed adoption will want to start looking when she turns 18 and will find something kind of along the lines of what she found.

A situation, however awful, but not at all typical. In this case, the adoptee can just easily get a restraining order. Most situations I see, and there are many, are just businesslike and politely cordial.
There may be a generational issue, too. Older adoptions had more to do with unplanned pregnancies, societal norms, etc. Later adoptions have more to do with other issues.

I disagree. How do you know whether that is typical or not? My sister is adopted, always assumed her parents were teenagers when she was born. Well she found them when she grew up, turned out they weren’t teenagers and they were in fact married, had already had several other kids and her father was incarcerated when she was born so they put her up for adoption. And guess what? Both parents have been in and out of prison ever since, dabble in drugs, tried to get money from my sister. Don’t buy the fantasy that all children give up for adoption come from young teen lovers and squeaky clean lives but had the misfortune of getting pregnant young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin found her birth mother and got dragged into a nasty situation. The birth mother was still an addict when she found her, but she didn't know this initially. The mother's boyfriend, also an addict, saw that my cousin had lived a pretty good, privileged life and threatened her. Kind of along the lines of, if you don't give us $$, we'll hurt your family type of threats. She had to get the police involved and both got arrested. Then the birth mother's other kids showed up and started harassing my cousin for having their mom arrested. In person harassing, like showing up at her house, and online as well. All any of them wanted was $$ from her. She even had people contacting her on Facebook with messages like, "hey, I heard you're Larla's daughter. You know she owes me $400 right?" and she was pretty terrified for about a year after she found her birth mother.

She really regrets finding her birth mother now. She has three adopted kids of her own (two open, 1 closed) and she's pretty terrified that the one who was a closed adoption will want to start looking when she turns 18 and will find something kind of along the lines of what she found.

A situation, however awful, but not at all typical. In this case, the adoptee can just easily get a restraining order. Most situations I see, and there are many, are just businesslike and politely cordial.
There may be a generational issue, too. Older adoptions had more to do with unplanned pregnancies, societal norms, etc. Later adoptions have more to do with other issues.

I disagree. How do you know whether that is typical or not? My sister is adopted, always assumed her parents were teenagers when she was born. Well she found them when she grew up, turned out they weren’t teenagers and they were in fact married, had already had several other kids and her father was incarcerated when she was born so they put her up for adoption. And guess what? Both parents have been in and out of prison ever since, dabble in drugs, tried to get money from my sister. Don’t buy the fantasy that all children give up for adoption come from young teen lovers and squeaky clean lives but had the misfortune of getting pregnant young.

Did your sister's situation involve threats, arrests, and her being terrified for a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe now men will be more on board with access to contraception and abortion knowing that in 18 years their marriages and families may be at risk because of an unplanned pregnancy.
No way I would adopt now days. No way.

As far as I can tell most men are pro abortion and pro contraception. It is to their advantage, after all. Let's just not wreck this thread by wading into topics that really aren't relevant to the OP's situation.

Ha ha......... yeah, because most men will put on a condom without complaining it “lessens the enjoyment” or doesn’t kill the mood.

Mos men are pro contraception and abortion because it usually puts the onus on women not to get pregnant. I notice none of these adoptees are seeking out their fathers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope all the right to life organizations realize what they’re doing to women down the line, when they encourage them to adopt because it gives them and their child a “better life”. You’re a prisoner either way. No one wants to pay for women to have access to contraception, but they want to insert themselves into their lives.m

Do you think all the adopted kids wish they'd never been born? Some, I'm sure, have gone on to have difficult lives. But many have gone on to have fulfilling lives. So abortion isn't necessarily the better route. We don't know what the situations are in all the cases of adoption. It may be logical to you and me to have an abortion, but I won't wade into other families' religious beliefs and their views on the sanctity of life.

Frankly, I don't think abortion/anti abortion has a place in this discussion over closed adoptions and finding the birth mother. It's an entirely different topic.

I’m saying that if they had known their lives would be impacted / “blown up” 20 years down the line, many women may not have chosen adoption. They choose what they felt was best for both their child, and themselves. Now, that choice is being taken away. And so many on this thread are saying that’s okay.

It’s not. This was a conscious choice, years ago. And their right to their lives has to mean something too.

These children are not secret in their own lives. They have families that care for them. They are looking for more, where there may not be more. A choice to make an adoption closed is done so for a reason.

NP here. I assume you're speaking of adoptions back in the day? The trend for domestic adoptions today is open adoption. Closed adoptions were much more prevalent in the past. It would be interesting to see what the reasons were for closed adoptions- was it really the birth mother's choice to close it or was it a choice made for her, by her own parents, by an agency, etc? As someone upthread said, it was often closed to give the adoptive parents full "control" of parenting the child and to not have to "share" with another mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe now men will be more on board with access to contraception and abortion knowing that in 18 years their marriages and families may be at risk because of an unplanned pregnancy.
No way I would adopt now days. No way.

As far as I can tell most men are pro abortion and pro contraception. It is to their advantage, after all. Let's just not wreck this thread by wading into topics that really aren't relevant to the OP's situation.

Ha ha......... yeah, because most men will put on a condom without complaining it “lessens the enjoyment” or doesn’t kill the mood.

Mos men are pro contraception and abortion because it usually puts the onus on women not to get pregnant. I notice none of these adoptees are seeking out their fathers.

Yes, many are. In fact, the super angry poster on this thread explains that she-he
preferred not to know about his offspring which changed the narrative of her-his family, which is why she-he is angry about being contacted.

However, until now it was almost impossible to find a father. It is the DNA test that make finding the paternal side possible. And it isn't just adoptees- many, many people have found that they are not actually who they thought they were. Their fathers were not their fathers. People are being contacted all over the world with news they had no idea about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this is pretty interesting. I have a great family but if someone came up to me and said they were my half sibling I absolutely would not want to know. Family is who you were raised with and not some random love child of my parents. I'd be angry and would wonder what they want from my family.

Also, are illegitimate children considered heirs? Would my parent's inheritance have to be split with them?

Yes, pretty interesting. It so happens that my father had a child out of wedlock before he married my mom and had my sister and me. He had no contact with the child as far as I know. Lo and behold, when I was 32, a random guy makes contact and says he's my half sibling. Okay. Met him briefly and we have nothing in common, very different class of life and expectations. Told him afterwards I have no wish to have a relationship and do not consider him a brother but wish him well. All kinds of unpleasantness ensues and I'm like, for what? You can't force me to feel things I don't feel. What my dad is on him. I'm not a part of any of this. Leave me alone.