Why are so many women here so angry with / resentful toward women who stay home?

[Anonymous]

Your wild rant aside, on both sides people tend to pick on folks at the fringes, and suggest that EVERYONE is like that person. It's the workaholic, materialistic, negligent parent on one side and the gold-digger, gym-rat, negligent parent on the other (the angriest of these folks are usually thinking of their own mothers). No one can pretend those extremes don't exist. However, when a poster acts like everyone is one of those extremes, it triggers a response, because most people know that the reality for women is far from those extremes. Most working moms are in a household where both parents have to work to make ends meet, and they do their best to maximize their schedules to be with the kids as much as possible and they ensure that the kids are well cared for by a responsible adult until they are old enough to be independent. Most homes with SAHPs have one earner who can sustain the family lifestyle, or used to have two earners who saved a lot, or have family money, and the SAHP worked before kids and may work after kids. Most of these women are doing work of value to the community without pay at some point while at home (and have never done yoga in their lives).

I agree with this. I SAH and have a high earning husband and trust fund. This works for us. I have friends who work and friends who SAH and I respect them all equally.

But, I do do yoga. Why is yoga getting so much hate? When you are home with little kids all day an hour of peace and calm is a pretty great thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Your wild rant aside, on both sides people tend to pick on folks at the fringes, and suggest that EVERYONE is like that person. It's the workaholic, materialistic, negligent parent on one side and the gold-digger, gym-rat, negligent parent on the other (the angriest of these folks are usually thinking of their own mothers). No one can pretend those extremes don't exist. However, when a poster acts like everyone is one of those extremes, it triggers a response, because most people know that the reality for women is far from those extremes. Most working moms are in a household where both parents have to work to make ends meet, and they do their best to maximize their schedules to be with the kids as much as possible and they ensure that the kids are well cared for by a responsible adult until they are old enough to be independent. Most homes with SAHPs have one earner who can sustain the family lifestyle, or used to have two earners who saved a lot, or have family money, and the SAHP worked before kids and may work after kids. Most of these women are doing work of value to the community without pay at some point while at home (and have never done yoga in their lives).

I agree with this. I SAH and have a high earning husband and trust fund. This works for us. I have friends who work and friends who SAH and I respect them all equally.

But, I do do yoga. Why is yoga getting so much hate? When you are home with little kids all day an hour of peace and calm is a pretty great thing.

I don't get the yoga hate either (WOHM here).

It's just a stupid reference to the idea of some losers out there that SAHMs don't do anything all day (except work out...insert whatever here). Ignore those losers!

[Anonymous]

No idea. People are basically lazy and jealous of those whom they perceive have it easier? I work outside the home but I do not have to for financial reasons. I never wanted to SAH, but I could care less if adults not living with me don't work for pay.

[Anonymous]

I'm a WAH part time (weekdays), WOH part time (weekends) mom and I'm jealous of all y'all. Can't afford childcare, and since I'm the "stay at home" parent and make a fraction of what DH makes, all household duties fall onto me. Would love to be either 100% SAH or 100% WOH. Luckily I get to drop the WAH in a few weeks.....can't wait!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

We have done it on around half. (HHI has been between $150k and $2220k for the past ten years or so).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

We have done it on around half. (HHI has been between $150k and $2220k for the past ten years or so).

If you have been doing it for a decade I suspect you bought a home before prices went crazy. That was key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

We have done it on around half. (HHI has been between $150k and $2220k for the past ten years or so).

Really? How many kids do you have? Where do you live? We have three kids and live below our means, but could never life an UMC lifestyle (which to me means travel, kids college paid for, nice cars, etc. Maybe I define UMC differently than you? Or think of different things when I hear Umc vs MC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you my thoughts.

a. If I see a rich SAHM with her Lululemons and Barre classes, driving around in her BMW I get annoyed because of jealousy. She must have married well enough to have to not worry about earning a living and enjoying a plush life. Must be nice.

b. Mostly what is disturbing to me is usually these SAHM types are very well educated and come from well off families to begin with. They grew up supporting women's rights and access to equal opportunities. They also tend to be tiger moms and fight to get their daighters into the best private schools and colleges and discuss plans to have their daughters become scientists and diplomats...

They themselves could have had fantastic careers. It just seems hypocritical, lazy and...fake.

c. The middle class SAHMs do not bother me. They were probably not very ambitious or well educated to begin with.

I am one of these women. What you might not know about me is that my husband is out of the house every work day for 11 hours. Plus he occasionally has to put in some hours at home or on the weekend. He has an unpredictable travel schedule. If a client wants him to pitch his product or take a meeting, he gets on a plane when it is convenient to them (usually the next day or so). If I was working full time, I'd still have to deal with that plus the demands of my own job plus the kids and the house. Fwiw he makes around 750k with occasional equity grants which helped us to pay off all our debt including school loans and our mortgage and to build our net worth from there. The salary alone is enough to cover all of our needs and most of our wants. So why would I work when the extra ~40k I might bring in would actually make my life more miserable and not better? That's not even taking into consideration the material cost of childcare or the psychological cost of putting our kids in wraparound care when they are used to mom being home with them all the time.

We also really like to travel as a family. It's one of our greatest joys and biggest splurges. We plan 4 week long trips per year plus occasional long weekends here and there. I also usually take the kids on a trip by ourselves for a week in the summer. If I got a job, I'd be locked into their schedule, which might not align with my husband's and I'd be lucky if I got 2 weeks off. One of my brothers works in an hourly position and doesn't get any paid time off at all.

I am highly educated and proud of it. I have a master's degree in history from a top R1 university. I might not use it to earn any money but I don't think you can "waste" your education. It's not like all of the knowledge I gained in my history classes suddenly leaked out of my head when I quit my job. I never set out to be the woman driving around in her beemer on her way to Barre class. It's just the way life worked out. Someday I will go back to work just to have something to do but right now is not a good time. You can really look at what I'm telling you and find something to judge? This is what I don't get about these kinds of conversations. They become so angry and derogatory so quickly but they involve real people who are just trying to do the best they can with what they have to work with. These are the cards I was dealt. I married a man with a very demanding job. There are pros and cons to that. One of the pros being the money, one of the cons being the schedule. More than that though, he loves what he does and I love that he loves it. If I want to stay married to him, I have to accommodate that. That's just how it is.

Your earning potential is $40k and your DH makes $750k? You must be super hot! Classic secretary marries executive situation. Timeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you my thoughts.

a. If I see a rich SAHM with her Lululemons and Barre classes, driving around in her BMW I get annoyed because of jealousy. She must have married well enough to have to not worry about earning a living and enjoying a plush life. Must be nice.

b. Mostly what is disturbing to me is usually these SAHM types are very well educated and come from well off families to begin with. They grew up supporting women's rights and access to equal opportunities. They also tend to be tiger moms and fight to get their daighters into the best private schools and colleges and discuss plans to have their daughters become scientists and diplomats...

They themselves could have had fantastic careers. It just seems hypocritical, lazy and...fake.

c. The middle class SAHMs do not bother me. They were probably not very ambitious or well educated to begin with.

I am one of these women. What you might not know about me is that my husband is out of the house every work day for 11 hours. Plus he occasionally has to put in some hours at home or on the weekend. He has an unpredictable travel schedule. If a client wants him to pitch his product or take a meeting, he gets on a plane when it is convenient to them (usually the next day or so). If I was working full time, I'd still have to deal with that plus the demands of my own job plus the kids and the house. Fwiw he makes around 750k with occasional equity grants which helped us to pay off all our debt including school loans and our mortgage and to build our net worth from there. The salary alone is enough to cover all of our needs and most of our wants. So why would I work when the extra ~40k I might bring in would actually make my life more miserable and not better? That's not even taking into consideration the material cost of childcare or the psychological cost of putting our kids in wraparound care when they are used to mom being home with them all the time.

We also really like to travel as a family. It's one of our greatest joys and biggest splurges. We plan 4 week long trips per year plus occasional long weekends here and there. I also usually take the kids on a trip by ourselves for a week in the summer. If I got a job, I'd be locked into their schedule, which might not align with my husband's and I'd be lucky if I got 2 weeks off. One of my brothers works in an hourly position and doesn't get any paid time off at all.

I am highly educated and proud of it. I have a master's degree in history from a top R1 university. I might not use it to earn any money but I don't think you can "waste" your education. It's not like all of the knowledge I gained in my history classes suddenly leaked out of my head when I quit my job. I never set out to be the woman driving around in her beemer on her way to Barre class. It's just the way life worked out. Someday I will go back to work just to have something to do but right now is not a good time. You can really look at what I'm telling you and find something to judge? This is what I don't get about these kinds of conversations. They become so angry and derogatory so quickly but they involve real people who are just trying to do the best they can with what they have to work with. These are the cards I was dealt. I married a man with a very demanding job. There are pros and cons to that. One of the pros being the money, one of the cons being the schedule. More than that though, he loves what he does and I love that he loves it. If I want to stay married to him, I have to accommodate that. That's just how it is.

I just love when women whose husbands make $750,000 come on here philosophizing about what everyone else should do. It's laughable and incredibly myopic. Are you women going on anon about how important it is to stay home with children realize that 95% of women in America probably work because they HAVE to, right? So you're basically just judging people less fortunate than you. Classy.

There's also zero evidence that children with a stay-at-home parent do better in life. In fact some studies show the opposite. Take that as you will.

Lady, I'm not judging anyone. Did you read what I wrote? Where in that did you read judgement of working moms?? Seriously. Bold it and quote it to me because I know it's not there. What I said was, SAH works best for me and my family at this time in our lives because...and I laid out the reasons why. I am defending myself from judgmental attacks from people like you and asking you seriously why you feel the right to judge me. I have a master's degree in history and was a former secondary school teacher before I quit to stay at home. I hated teaching kids that age. Most of them were brats who I couldn't discipline because of constraints laid on by administrators and their parents who didn't want to deal with their attitude problems either. My original goal was to become a college professor but with the increasing commercialization of college and universities, they have switched to a system of hiring mostly adjuncts in lieu of tenure professors because they don't have to pay them a living wage with benefits.

So you hated working, and couldn't get the job you actually wanted? That was the real motivation, not some 'children come first' prerogative.

[Anonymous]

You don't see how not liking what you are doing coupled with having kids and options could lead a person to feel more attracted to being a SAHM?

I happened to like what I was doing and was good at it, and still wanted to SAH.

[Anonymous]

There is one very obvious angry person on here - I am beginning to suspect it is a man but that is besides the point. The angry person responds to every SAHM post with a slam and a GROSS MISINTERPRETATION of words.
There is no point in responding, the person is unbalanced and angry, beyond twisting words just plain wacko.
And yes I do believe it is one person with the psychotic posts, verbally assaulting anyone who defends the choice to SAH. There is NO NEED to justify this choice. Stop doing it. The same with working mothers - your life, your family, your choice. For goodness sake people!
Cue the psycho pp to tell me that what I am saying is my husband is a dollar sign and I am putting down working women and my values are wrong, etc.
there I took care of it for you! You can take a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is one very obvious angry person on here - I am beginning to suspect it is a man but that is besides the point. The angry person responds to every SAHM post with a slam and a GROSS MISINTERPRETATION of words.
There is no point in responding, the person is unbalanced and angry, beyond twisting words just plain wacko.
And yes I do believe it is one person with the psychotic posts, verbally assaulting anyone who defends the choice to SAH. There is NO NEED to justify this choice. Stop doing it. The same with working mothers - your life, your family, your choice. For goodness sake people!
Cue the psycho pp to tell me that what I am saying is my husband is a dollar sign and I am putting down working women and my values are wrong, etc.
there I took care of it for you! You can take a break.

Doubtful. The most vocal opponents to SAH parenting are almost always women in my experience. And my husband has been one of the many defenders of SAH parenting on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you my thoughts.

a. If I see a rich SAHM with her Lululemons and Barre classes, driving around in her BMW I get annoyed because of jealousy. She must have married well enough to have to not worry about earning a living and enjoying a plush life. Must be nice.

b. Mostly what is disturbing to me is usually these SAHM types are very well educated and come from well off families to begin with. They grew up supporting women's rights and access to equal opportunities. They also tend to be tiger moms and fight to get their daighters into the best private schools and colleges and discuss plans to have their daughters become scientists and diplomats...

They themselves could have had fantastic careers. It just seems hypocritical, lazy and...fake.

c. The middle class SAHMs do not bother me. They were probably not very ambitious or well educated to begin with.

I am one of these women. What you might not know about me is that my husband is out of the house every work day for 11 hours. Plus he occasionally has to put in some hours at home or on the weekend. He has an unpredictable travel schedule. If a client wants him to pitch his product or take a meeting, he gets on a plane when it is convenient to them (usually the next day or so). If I was working full time, I'd still have to deal with that plus the demands of my own job plus the kids and the house. Fwiw he makes around 750k with occasional equity grants which helped us to pay off all our debt including school loans and our mortgage and to build our net worth from there. The salary alone is enough to cover all of our needs and most of our wants. So why would I work when the extra ~40k I might bring in would actually make my life more miserable and not better? That's not even taking into consideration the material cost of childcare or the psychological cost of putting our kids in wraparound care when they are used to mom being home with them all the time.

We also really like to travel as a family. It's one of our greatest joys and biggest splurges. We plan 4 week long trips per year plus occasional long weekends here and there. I also usually take the kids on a trip by ourselves for a week in the summer. If I got a job, I'd be locked into their schedule, which might not align with my husband's and I'd be lucky if I got 2 weeks off. One of my brothers works in an hourly position and doesn't get any paid time off at all.

I am highly educated and proud of it. I have a master's degree in history from a top R1 university. I might not use it to earn any money but I don't think you can "waste" your education. It's not like all of the knowledge I gained in my history classes suddenly leaked out of my head when I quit my job. I never set out to be the woman driving around in her beemer on her way to Barre class. It's just the way life worked out. Someday I will go back to work just to have something to do but right now is not a good time. You can really look at what I'm telling you and find something to judge? This is what I don't get about these kinds of conversations. They become so angry and derogatory so quickly but they involve real people who are just trying to do the best they can with what they have to work with. These are the cards I was dealt. I married a man with a very demanding job. There are pros and cons to that. One of the pros being the money, one of the cons being the schedule. More than that though, he loves what he does and I love that he loves it. If I want to stay married to him, I have to accommodate that. That's just how it is.

Your earning potential is $40k and your DH makes $750k? You must be super hot! Classic secretary marries executive situation. Timeless. [/quote]

This is a really terrible thing to say. I am a woh mom. I make $40,000 a year. My husband makes $450,000 a year. I keep working because I enjoy my job. But I am certainly no minion to him who tried to marry up.

You don't know people situations.

I've been married to my husband since both of our incomes were only in the 40,000, in our very early 20s. Some people have different priorities. Try not to be such a raging bitch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't see how not liking what you are doing coupled with having kids and options could lead a person to feel more attracted to being a SAHM?

I happened to like what I was doing and was good at it, and still wanted to SAH.

Seriously I am awesome at my job, make $300k and still attracted to the idea of SAH. But coming from modest means I am hell beans on building a trust so all my kids of both genders can have the option to have a SAH spouse. I mean especially if they don't find their calling of a career (and even for me it's become more of a job than a passion) then they can find fulfillment on the domestic front and live a happy comfortable life. Isn't that what all parents want? My parents escaped a war to give me a better life, so me working seems like a modest sacrifice to give them every advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you my thoughts.

a. If I see a rich SAHM with her Lululemons and Barre classes, driving around in her BMW I get annoyed because of jealousy. She must have married well enough to have to not worry about earning a living and enjoying a plush life. Must be nice.

b. Mostly what is disturbing to me is usually these SAHM types are very well educated and come from well off families to begin with. They grew up supporting women's rights and access to equal opportunities. They also tend to be tiger moms and fight to get their daighters into the best private schools and colleges and discuss plans to have their daughters become scientists and diplomats...

They themselves could have had fantastic careers. It just seems hypocritical, lazy and...fake.

c. The middle class SAHMs do not bother me. They were probably not very ambitious or well educated to begin with.

I am one of these women. What you might not know about me is that my husband is out of the house every work day for 11 hours. Plus he occasionally has to put in some hours at home or on the weekend. He has an unpredictable travel schedule. If a client wants him to pitch his product or take a meeting, he gets on a plane when it is convenient to them (usually the next day or so). If I was working full time, I'd still have to deal with that plus the demands of my own job plus the kids and the house. Fwiw he makes around 750k with occasional equity grants which helped us to pay off all our debt including school loans and our mortgage and to build our net worth from there. The salary alone is enough to cover all of our needs and most of our wants. So why would I work when the extra ~40k I might bring in would actually make my life more miserable and not better? That's not even taking into consideration the material cost of childcare or the psychological cost of putting our kids in wraparound care when they are used to mom being home with them all the time.

We also really like to travel as a family. It's one of our greatest joys and biggest splurges. We plan 4 week long trips per year plus occasional long weekends here and there. I also usually take the kids on a trip by ourselves for a week in the summer. If I got a job, I'd be locked into their schedule, which might not align with my husband's and I'd be lucky if I got 2 weeks off. One of my brothers works in an hourly position and doesn't get any paid time off at all.

I am highly educated and proud of it. I have a master's degree in history from a top R1 university. I might not use it to earn any money but I don't think you can "waste" your education. It's not like all of the knowledge I gained in my history classes suddenly leaked out of my head when I quit my job. I never set out to be the woman driving around in her beemer on her way to Barre class. It's just the way life worked out. Someday I will go back to work just to have something to do but right now is not a good time. You can really look at what I'm telling you and find something to judge? This is what I don't get about these kinds of conversations. They become so angry and derogatory so quickly but they involve real people who are just trying to do the best they can with what they have to work with. These are the cards I was dealt. I married a man with a very demanding job. There are pros and cons to that. One of the pros being the money, one of the cons being the schedule. More than that though, he loves what he does and I love that he loves it. If I want to stay married to him, I have to accommodate that. That's just how it is.

Your earning potential is $40k and your DH makes $750k? You must be super hot! Classic secretary marries executive situation. Timeless. [/quote]

This is a really terrible thing to say. I am a woh mom. I make $40,000 a year. My husband makes $450,000 a year. I keep working because I enjoy my job. But I am certainly no minion to him who tried to marry up.

You don't know people situations.

I've been married to my husband since both of our incomes were only in the 40,000, in our very early 20s. Some people have different priorities. Try not to be such a raging bitch

True but I suspect when you married your DH making $40k, he wasn't a history teacher who's earning potential would stall out. You knew his career income potential.

Or was his income path radical like he was a history teacher and then started blackboard.com?