Why are so many women here so angry with / resentful toward women who stay home?

[Anonymous]

Your resentment is misplaced.

I know my life is only my life but for what it's worth, I wish some of the WOH posters seething with resentment would consider that a broad swath of parents lurk here. I have a child with mild SNs, under 3. I am at home for treatments, and when we started with this extra help and doctors appointments, my child was barely out of the newborn stage. When I realized I would be at home for the foreseeable future, I felt frightened, and now, not knowing when I will return to work, or how great a job I will find for FT work, I feel scared, ashamed and depressed. I have a fancy grad degree and worry that as I age my potential (intellectual, earning) will always be miles beyond my grasp. I worry about DH resenting me, and it kills me a bit. He is mostly a good, kind man, and I am lucky in some respects and try to keep aware of that. I try to work out (and pull in barely more than pennies by teaching a fitness class once a week), but that's barely even a "jobby" and I know it.

But I have been unlucky to have some otherwise decent WOH moms treat me like I'm a princess who swans around getting her nails done (haven't been inside a salon for years, plural, color own hair, blah). Even when I compliment them on truly doing it all - being doctors and attorneys and profs and writers who are also moms - I get a f$ckton of snide comments. They don't know my kid gets therapies and I can never open up to share that, it's a very tender spot for me, and if someone's gonna openly assume I'm a stay at home Pure Barre and Starbucks all the damned day aficionado, I figure we aren't fated to be besties. But it still hurts.

I know each of our stories are atypical and that I should avoid these comments and conversations. I just wish some moms wouldn't go into other moms and assume we are spoiled, unambitious and lazy as hell. It gets cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No wonder it's a man's world. Women are always backbiting and judging each other. It needs to stop.

+1

BINGO. The insecurity is their own downfall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what other people do. I did absolutely hate the two years my wife didn't work because she complained constantly, realized she hated being home full time, went into a deep depression (which she was resistant to treating for six awful months), kind of sucked at the job, and nearly drove us into divorce. That was awful.

We are a zillion times happier with both of us working. Yes, it's hectic, but we both pitch in and do our part to make the machine that is our lives run smoothly.

Other people? Do you.

I was the wife who,felt this way. Being a sah is so far from the nirvana some have described in this thread. If it works for you, have at it. It is a temporary phase for many. Both sides are at fault for stirring up resentment on this thread, but the bring a sah is just so fun posts that I find irritating. If your love it,great. Some don't.

Being a SAH to toddlers, in our case 3 of them at a time, is easily the hardest job I've ever had. I always laugh when I hear people suggest it's easy and a cush life. News flash: My work day does not begin at 9, and it doesn't end at 5, and it sometimes doesn't even end in the middle of the night. But I wouldn't trade this job for anything in the world

PS if you're a working mom, you also work 24/7. The difference is I had to get up and get dressed and learn to function at the office on no sleep, and SAHMs don't.

And yet, you found time to comment on an anonymous board. Doesn't sound like you're working 24/7 to me.

YOU JERK everyone has a lunchbreak or needs down time I work 80 hours a week and order things for my babies on Amazon at 3am.

How dare you. I work because I have to so I resent SAHMs but respect them

You can't resent and respect someone at the same time. And yes, working 80 hours a week sounds.....almost impossible. What field are you in?

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM and felt judgment from mothers who worked. Then I got a job and now am shunned/ignored by my SAHM friends.

You want a friend around here, get a dog. People suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have done both. Went back to work when kids were in school. However, have seen too many acquaintances who did not return to work revert to a high school mentality where there are literally cliques, quite a few drinking problems, and ridiculous grievances between grown up women. Many sound out of their mind bored, are over invested in their kids social or sports lives, and are otherwise floundering for something worthwhile to do, usually resulting in an unneeded home Reno project, or the like. I am sure there are many stay at homes who don't fall into this trap. But it sure seems like an unanticipated dead end for a lot of women. I wish it was generally easier for women to transition back to work after a long time at home, I think there would be less of what I see as the desperate housewives syndrome.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have done both. Went back to work when kids were in school. However, have seen too many acquaintances who did not return to work revert to a high school mentality where there are literally cliques, quite a few drinking problems, and ridiculous grievances between grown up women. Many sound out of their mind bored, are over invested in their kids social or sports lives, and are otherwise floundering for something worthwhile to do, usually resulting in an unneeded home Reno project, or the like. I am sure there are many stay at homes who don't fall into this trap. But it sure seems like an unanticipated dead end for a lot of women. I wish it was generally easier for women to transition back to work after a long time at home, I think there would be less of what I see as the desperate housewives syndrome.

+1

Oh please, my work friends are like this too- cliques, drinking, grievances and way too much about Larla and Larlo doing this or that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your resentment is misplaced.

I know my life is only my life but for what it's worth, I wish some of the WOH posters seething with resentment would consider that a broad swath of parents lurk here. I have a child with mild SNs, under 3. I am at home for treatments, and when we started with this extra help and doctors appointments, my child was barely out of the newborn stage. When I realized I would be at home for the foreseeable future, I felt frightened, and now, not knowing when I will return to work, or how great a job I will find for FT work, I feel scared, ashamed and depressed. I have a fancy grad degree and worry that as I age my potential (intellectual, earning) will always be miles beyond my grasp. I worry about DH resenting me, and it kills me a bit. He is mostly a good, kind man, and I am lucky in some respects and try to keep aware of that. I try to work out (and pull in barely more than pennies by teaching a fitness class once a week), but that's barely even a "jobby" and I know it.

But I have been unlucky to have some otherwise decent WOH moms treat me like I'm a princess who swans around getting her nails done (haven't been inside a salon for years, plural, color own hair, blah). Even when I compliment them on truly doing it all - being doctors and attorneys and profs and writers who are also moms - I get a f$ckton of snide comments. They don't know my kid gets therapies and I can never open up to share that, it's a very tender spot for me, and if someone's gonna openly assume I'm a stay at home Pure Barre and Starbucks all the damned day aficionado, I figure we aren't fated to be besties. But it still hurts.

I know each of our stories are atypical and that I should avoid these comments and conversations. I just wish some moms wouldn't go into other moms and assume we are spoiled, unambitious and lazy as hell. It gets cruel.

Very good comment IMO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No wonder it's a man's world. Women are always backbiting and judging each other. It needs to stop.

+1

BINGO. The insecurity is their own downfall.

It'll never stop because of all the jealous bitches out there seething with resentment about the supposed SAHMs driving around in her Beemer on the way to Barre every day.

How many people does description that really apply to? Ask yourself that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have done both. Went back to work when kids were in school. However, have seen too many acquaintances who did not return to work revert to a high school mentality where there are literally cliques, quite a few drinking problems, and ridiculous grievances between grown up women. Many sound out of their mind bored, are over invested in their kids social or sports lives, and are otherwise floundering for something worthwhile to do, usually resulting in an unneeded home Reno project, or the like. I am sure there are many stay at homes who don't fall into this trap. But it sure seems like an unanticipated dead end for a lot of women. I wish it was generally easier for women to transition back to work after a long time at home, I think there would be less of what I see as the desperate housewives syndrome.

+1

Oh please, my work friends are like this too- cliques, drinking, grievances and way too much about Larla and Larlo doing this or that.

yup. It's a woman thing not a sahm/wohm thing.

I've been a wohm all my parenting life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what other people do. I did absolutely hate the two years my wife didn't work because she complained constantly, realized she hated being home full time, went into a deep depression (which she was resistant to treating for six awful months), kind of sucked at the job, and nearly drove us into divorce. That was awful.

We are a zillion times happier with both of us working. Yes, it's hectic, but we both pitch in and do our part to make the machine that is our lives run smoothly.

Other people? Do you.

I was the wife who,felt this way. Being a sah is so far from the nirvana some have described in this thread. If it works for you, have at it. It is a temporary phase for many. Both sides are at fault for stirring up resentment on this thread, but the bring a sah is just so fun posts that I find irritating. If your love it,great. Some don't.

Being a SAH to toddlers, in our case 3 of them at a time, is easily the hardest job I've ever had. I always laugh when I hear people suggest it's easy and a cush life. News flash: My work day does not begin at 9, and it doesn't end at 5, and it sometimes doesn't even end in the middle of the night. But I wouldn't trade this job for anything in the world

PS if you're a working mom, you also work 24/7. The difference is I had to get up and get dressed and learn to function at the office on no sleep, and SAHMs don't.

That's one difference. The other is that you don't raise your kids for most of the day.

Um, so how does that relate to working or not working 24/7?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

So you see choosing to put your children first as "not bothering to do anything yourself?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel a lot of ambivalence towards SAH moms, because it's always SAH moms and not SAH parents. It's totally fine if one parent wants to step back from their career and focus on the family (and is often very good for the family!), but there is still a lot of social pressure for women to step into that role that men to not receive. When I got married in my mid 20s, I heard questions about whether I was going to step back when we had kids, whether I was going to take a lower prestige/lower pressure job so my husband could focus on his career and I could the raise kids, etc. Why didn't anyone ask my husband whether he was going to step back his career ambitions to start a family years before kids were even in the picture?

Until it's seen as an equally acceptable/normal path for men (and men decide to SAH in equal numbers), it will always be a choice that is colored by gender politics. Even if it's the best choice for your family, it still is a choice that was influenced by societal norms that women have been trying to crack for decades.

This attitude is what I loathe about feminism. I hate to break it to you, but men and women are DIFFERENT! Look around at the animal kingdom. Mothers are always the primary caregivers. Feminism ignores or at best downplays this very real desire, that the majority of women WANT to be the one most involved in raising their kids And yes, I know there are exceptions, so I don't need to hear a bunch of women posting, "But, that's not me!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

I'm a sahm with school age kids and it's not mind numbingly dull. In fact I think my life is more interesting than those who have no time for anything but work and child rearing, because I actually have time to pursue my interests.
Interesting comments. Most of the SAHMs I know here in the DC area became parents later in life and already had successful careers - and made big financial contributions to the family - before taking time off of work to spend more time with their children. And many plan to go back to work in some capacity.

This is in fact what happens in most cases. Even as a former sah, however, I do think permanent sahs are a bit lame.

Really? I think they're lucky. It's like retiring at 27. I'd love to not work. There are aspects of my job that I like but if they stopped paying me, you better believe I'd stop coming in.

You would understand if you were ever a sah with kids in school. It's mind numbingly dull after a few months, all the smart moms are back to work. A good gig if you like event planning as that is what permanent SAH moms seem to obsess over (fundraising, teacher appreciation day, mom's night out, etc. .) Frankly, I'd rather just attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

I'm a sahm with school age kids and it's not mind numbingly dull. In fact I think my life is more interesting than those who have no time for anything but work and child rearing, because I actually have time to pursue my interests.
Interesting comments. Most of the SAHMs I know here in the DC area became parents later in life and already had successful careers - and made big financial contributions to the family - before taking time off of work to spend more time with their children. And many plan to go back to work in some capacity.

This is in fact what happens in most cases. Even as a former sah, however, I do think permanent sahs are a bit lame.

Really? I think they're lucky. It's like retiring at 27. I'd love to not work. There are aspects of my job that I like but if they stopped paying me, you better believe I'd stop coming in.

You would understand if you were ever a sah with kids in school. It's mind numbingly dull after a few months, all the smart moms are back to work. A good gig if you like event planning as that is what permanent SAH moms seem to obsess over (fundraising, teacher appreciation day, mom's night out, etc. .) Frankly, I'd rather just attend.

I'm a sahm with kids in school and my life is not dull. In fact, I think it's probably more interesting than those whose lives revolve around work and child rearing. I actually have time to pursue my own interests. I'm convinced that people like the poster above are the same ones who plan on working as long as they can because they can't imagine being retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM and felt judgment from mothers who worked. Then I got a job and now am shunned/ignored by my SAHM friends.

You want a friend around here, get a dog. People suck.

Or get friends who don't care whether you work for pay or not.