Why are so many women here so angry with / resentful toward women who stay home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Your wild rant aside, on both sides people tend to pick on folks at the fringes, and suggest that EVERYONE is like that person. It's the workaholic, materialistic, negligent parent on one side and the gold-digger, gym-rat, negligent parent on the other (the angriest of these folks are usually thinking of their own mothers). No one can pretend those extremes don't exist. However, when a poster acts like everyone is one of those extremes, it triggers a response, because most people know that the reality for women is far from those extremes. Most working moms are in a household where both parents have to work to make ends meet, and they do their best to maximize their schedules to be with the kids as much as possible and they ensure that the kids are well cared for by a responsible adult until they are old enough to be independent. Most homes with SAHPs have one earner who can sustain the family lifestyle, or used to have two earners who saved a lot, or have family money, and the SAHP worked before kids and may work after kids. Most of these women are doing work of value to the community without pay at some point while at home (and have never done yoga in their lives).

I agree with this. I SAH and have a high earning husband and trust fund. This works for us. I have friends who work and friends who SAH and I respect them all equally.

But, I do do yoga. Why is yoga getting so much hate? When you are home with little kids all day an hour of peace and calm is a pretty great thing.

I don't get the yoga hate either (WOHM here).

It's just a stupid reference to the idea of some losers out there that SAHMs don't do anything all day (except work out...insert whatever here). Ignore those losers!

Exactly that, I'm the PP and I don't hate yoga, I just used it as a reference to the haters' favorite theme (and really they seem to hate yoga pants more than actual yoga anyway ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is one very obvious angry person on here - I am beginning to suspect it is a man but that is besides the point. The angry person responds to every SAHM post with a slam and a GROSS MISINTERPRETATION of words.
There is no point in responding, the person is unbalanced and angry, beyond twisting words just plain wacko.
And yes I do believe it is one person with the psychotic posts, verbally assaulting anyone who defends the choice to SAH. There is NO NEED to justify this choice. Stop doing it. The same with working mothers - your life, your family, your choice. For goodness sake people!
Cue the psycho pp to tell me that what I am saying is my husband is a dollar sign and I am putting down working women and my values are wrong, etc.
there I took care of it for you! You can take a break.

Doubtful. The most vocal opponents to SAH parenting are almost always women in my experience. And my husband has been one of the many defenders of SAH parenting on this thread.

Maybe one of those red pill dudes? Is that the right term? But there seem to be a lot of angry voices. Why was this thread even started??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't see how not liking what you are doing coupled with having kids and options could lead a person to feel more attracted to being a SAHM?

I happened to like what I was doing and was good at it, and still wanted to SAH.

Seriously I am awesome at my job, make $300k and still attracted to the idea of SAH. But coming from modest means I am hell beans on building a trust so all my kids of both genders can have the option to have a SAH spouse. I mean especially if they don't find their calling of a career (and even for me it's become more of a job than a passion) then they can find fulfillment on the domestic front and live a happy comfortable life. Isn't that what all parents want? My parents escaped a war to give me a better life, so me working seems like a modest sacrifice to give them every advantage

Yes. My kids already have trusts so it was easy for me to decide to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't see how not liking what you are doing coupled with having kids and options could lead a person to feel more attracted to being a SAHM?

I happened to like what I was doing and was good at it, and still wanted to SAH.

Seriously I am awesome at my job, make $300k and still attracted to the idea of SAH. But coming from modest means I am hell beans on building a trust so all my kids of both genders can have the option to have a SAH spouse. I mean especially if they don't find their calling of a career (and even for me it's become more of a job than a passion) then they can find fulfillment on the domestic front and live a happy comfortable life. Isn't that what all parents want? My parents escaped a war to give me a better life, so me working seems like a modest sacrifice to give them every advantage

Yes. My kids already have trusts so it was easy for me to decide to SAH.

Exactly, I aim to be like your parents!

[Anonymous]

Every mom (and dads too) I know is seeking some sort of balance. Those that are SAH struggle to maintain their sense of identity and not lose their minds day after day dealing with toddlers and babies (I don't know about older kids SAHPs because I am in the young kid stage myself). Those that WOH are trying to find time to have quality time with their kids and have some semblance of personal life. I don't know anyone in real life that is resentful toward other people making different choices than they are - we all know there are a million different factors that go into what decisions women make. If they are married or not, what job their spouse has and how much the spouse makes, how many kids they have, what their kids' individual needs are, how much money they make if they're working, how much day care/nannies cost, ability to work part-time or not, future career aspirations, health care options, plus individual temperament and sense of purpose and interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't see how not liking what you are doing coupled with having kids and options could lead a person to feel more attracted to being a SAHM?

I happened to like what I was doing and was good at it, and still wanted to SAH.

Seriously I am awesome at my job, make $300k and still attracted to the idea of SAH. But coming from modest means I am hell beans on building a trust so all my kids of both genders can have the option to have a SAH spouse. I mean especially if they don't find their calling of a career (and even for me it's become more of a job than a passion) then they can find fulfillment on the domestic front and live a happy comfortable life. Isn't that what all parents want? My parents escaped a war to give me a better life, so me working seems like a modest sacrifice to give them every advantage

Yes. My kids already have trusts so it was easy for me to decide to SAH.

Exactly, I aim to be like your parents!

My mom SAH- her contribution was nothing less than my dad's even if he is the earned all of the money. I loved having a SAHM and that absolutely played into my decision. I loved my career. It like SAH with my kids better.

[Anonymous]

The last four pages are basically SAHMs going on and on about how justified their lifestyle is, +1'ing each other, and trying to figure out the identity of a poster who has long since moved on, most likely. Just think about that for a second.

- WOHM who doesn't give a shit what anyone does but I can't believe how poorly SAHMs make themselves out on these threads. Nothing like that happens among my real life friends - some of whom work and some of whom don't. But it's not a good look, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every mom (and dads too) I know is seeking some sort of balance. Those that are SAH struggle to maintain their sense of identity and not lose their minds day after day dealing with toddlers and babies (I don't know about older kids SAHPs because I am in the young kid stage myself). Those that WOH are trying to find time to have quality time with their kids and have some semblance of personal life. I don't know anyone in real life that is resentful toward other people making different choices than they are - we all know there are a million different factors that go into what decisions women make. If they are married or not, what job their spouse has and how much the spouse makes, how many kids they have, what their kids' individual needs are, how much money they make if they're working, how much day care/nannies cost, ability to work part-time or not, future career aspirations, health care options, plus individual temperament and sense of purpose and interests.

+1 I've been SAH, WAH PT, WOH PT, and now WOH FT. DH used to WOH FT but now mostly WAH FT. Different solutions have worked at different times. There is no one size fits all. Parents are different, kids are different, work situations, support, financials, health, etc. all differ between families and within a particular family over time. It's ridiculous to judge that there is one "best" way to do it. We're all just doing our best.

I'll admit I did used to think it was a poor choice to be a SAH parent with kids in ES and above. Mainly because my mom did that until my siblings and I were in HS and she was depressed and lonely. But other SAH moms aren't her and have different needs, family requirements, temperaments, social outlets, etc. I have a number of SAH parent friends now with kids in ES-HS. Generally, they have continued to SAH because they are dealing with some combination of child health issues, aging parent caregiving issues, a working spouse who works long/inflexible hours and/or lots of travel, desire to support an intense level of extracurriculars for their children, inability to find a job that fits their qualifications and they feel is worth it financially vs. the aspects of their SAH life they would have to give up/pay someone else to do, or they just don't need the money and enjoy their life the way it is (just as 'valid" a reason as any other!). I figure everyone is making the best choices for them in their particular situation and if it doesn't affect me, it's none of my business!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't see how not liking what you are doing coupled with having kids and options could lead a person to feel more attracted to being a SAHM?

I happened to like what I was doing and was good at it, and still wanted to SAH.

Seriously I am awesome at my job, make $300k and still attracted to the idea of SAH. But coming from modest means I am hell beans on building a trust so all my kids of both genders can have the option to have a SAH spouse. I mean especially if they don't find their calling of a career (and even for me it's become more of a job than a passion) then they can find fulfillment on the domestic front and live a happy comfortable life. Isn't that what all parents want? My parents escaped a war to give me a better life, so me working seems like a modest sacrifice to give them every advantage

Yes. My kids already have trusts so it was easy for me to decide to SAH.

Exactly, I aim to be like your parents!

My mom SAH- her contribution was nothing less than my dad's even if he is the earned all of the money. I loved having a SAHM and that absolutely played into my decision. I loved my career. It like SAH with my kids better.

I feel like you are criticizing me for working to provide for my kids to have your lifestyle? did I insult your parents somehow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The last four pages are basically SAHMs going on and on about how justified their lifestyle is, +1'ing each other, and trying to figure out the identity of a poster who has long since moved on, most likely. Just think about that for a second.

- WOHM who doesn't give a shit what anyone does but I can't believe how poorly SAHMs make themselves out on these threads. Nothing like that happens among my real life friends - some of whom work and some of whom don't. But it's not a good look, ladies.

So you think they shouldn't respond to the OP's question? You did, why can't they?

And if you don't care what people do, why do you characterize their description of what that do as making themselves out poorly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you my thoughts.

a. If I see a rich SAHM with her Lululemons and Barre classes, driving around in her BMW I get annoyed because of jealousy. She must have married well enough to have to not worry about earning a living and enjoying a plush life. Must be nice.

b. Mostly what is disturbing to me is usually these SAHM types are very well educated and come from well off families to begin with. They grew up supporting women's rights and access to equal opportunities. They also tend to be tiger moms and fight to get their daighters into the best private schools and colleges and discuss plans to have their daughters become scientists and diplomats...

They themselves could have had fantastic careers. It just seems hypocritical, lazy and...fake.

c. The middle class SAHMs do not bother me. They were probably not very ambitious or well educated to begin with.

I am one of these women. What you might not know about me is that my husband is out of the house every work day for 11 hours. Plus he occasionally has to put in some hours at home or on the weekend. He has an unpredictable travel schedule. If a client wants him to pitch his product or take a meeting, he gets on a plane when it is convenient to them (usually the next day or so). If I was working full time, I'd still have to deal with that plus the demands of my own job plus the kids and the house. Fwiw he makes around 750k with occasional equity grants which helped us to pay off all our debt including school loans and our mortgage and to build our net worth from there. The salary alone is enough to cover all of our needs and most of our wants. So why would I work when the extra ~40k I might bring in would actually make my life more miserable and not better? That's not even taking into consideration the material cost of childcare or the psychological cost of putting our kids in wraparound care when they are used to mom being home with them all the time.

We also really like to travel as a family. It's one of our greatest joys and biggest splurges. We plan 4 week long trips per year plus occasional long weekends here and there. I also usually take the kids on a trip by ourselves for a week in the summer. If I got a job, I'd be locked into their schedule, which might not align with my husband's and I'd be lucky if I got 2 weeks off. One of my brothers works in an hourly position and doesn't get any paid time off at all.

I am highly educated and proud of it. I have a master's degree in history from a top R1 university. I might not use it to earn any money but I don't think you can "waste" your education. It's not like all of the knowledge I gained in my history classes suddenly leaked out of my head when I quit my job. I never set out to be the woman driving around in her beemer on her way to Barre class. It's just the way life worked out. Someday I will go back to work just to have something to do but right now is not a good time. You can really look at what I'm telling you and find something to judge? This is what I don't get about these kinds of conversations. They become so angry and derogatory so quickly but they involve real people who are just trying to do the best they can with what they have to work with. These are the cards I was dealt. I married a man with a very demanding job. There are pros and cons to that. One of the pros being the money, one of the cons being the schedule. More than that though, he loves what he does and I love that he loves it. If I want to stay married to him, I have to accommodate that. That's just how it is.

I just love when women whose husbands make $750,000 come on here philosophizing about what everyone else should do. It's laughable and incredibly myopic. Are you women going on anon about how important it is to stay home with children realize that 95% of women in America probably work because they HAVE to, right? So you're basically just judging people less fortunate than you. Classy.

There's also zero evidence that children with a stay-at-home parent do better in life. In fact some studies show the opposite. Take that as you will.

Lady, I'm not judging anyone. Did you read what I wrote? Where in that did you read judgement of working moms?? Seriously. Bold it and quote it to me because I know it's not there. What I said was, SAH works best for me and my family at this time in our lives because...and I laid out the reasons why. I am defending myself from judgmental attacks from people like you and asking you seriously why you feel the right to judge me. I have a master's degree in history and was a former secondary school teacher before I quit to stay at home. I hated teaching kids that age. Most of them were brats who I couldn't discipline because of constraints laid on by administrators and their parents who didn't want to deal with their attitude problems either. My original goal was to become a college professor but with the increasing commercialization of college and universities, they have switched to a system of hiring mostly adjuncts in lieu of tenure professors because they don't have to pay them a living wage with benefits.

So you hated working, and couldn't get the job you actually wanted? That was the real motivation, not some 'children come first' prerogative.

Did I say different in my first post? I have tons of working mom friends and I respect them all. Most of my girlfriends from HS and college are still working. Most of my SAHM friends are new friends I made later. I think kids do fine in daycare. I have no issue with it at all. However, because of my particular circumstances (husband's travel schedule, hated first career) I made the decision to stay home and have really loved it as a whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The last four pages are basically SAHMs going on and on about how justified their lifestyle is, +1'ing each other, and trying to figure out the identity of a poster who has long since moved on, most likely. Just think about that for a second.

- WOHM who doesn't give a shit what anyone does but I can't believe how poorly SAHMs make themselves out on these threads. Nothing like that happens among my real life friends - some of whom work and some of whom don't. But it's not a good look, ladies.

If you truly didn't mind what anyone did, you wouldn't be throwing insults about how SAHMs "looked" left and right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't see how not liking what you are doing coupled with having kids and options could lead a person to feel more attracted to being a SAHM?

I happened to like what I was doing and was good at it, and still wanted to SAH.

Seriously I am awesome at my job, make $300k and still attracted to the idea of SAH. But coming from modest means I am hell beans on building a trust so all my kids of both genders can have the option to have a SAH spouse. I mean especially if they don't find their calling of a career (and even for me it's become more of a job than a passion) then they can find fulfillment on the domestic front and live a happy comfortable life. Isn't that what all parents want? My parents escaped a war to give me a better life, so me working seems like a modest sacrifice to give them every advantage

Yes. My kids already have trusts so it was easy for me to decide to SAH.

Exactly, I aim to be like your parents!

You are killings yourself so your kids can be ambitionless, to each his own, but that is a bit unique.

[Anonymous]

I have done both. Went back to work when kids were in school. However, have seen too many acquaintances who did not return to work revert to a high school mentality where there are literally cliques, quite a few drinking problems, and ridiculous grievances between grown up women. Many sound out of their mind bored, are over invested in their kids social or sports lives, and are otherwise floundering for something worthwhile to do, usually resulting in an unneeded home Reno project, or the like. I am sure there are many stay at homes who don't fall into this trap. But it sure seems like an unanticipated dead end for a lot of women. I wish it was generally easier for women to transition back to work after a long time at home, I think there would be less of what I see as the desperate housewives syndrome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?[/quote]

Wow! So much wrong with this statement. You don't think raising the next generation is "worth something?" Whether or not you admit it raising children be it nanny or SAHP is work. I often hear famous people say the greatest thing they have ever done is " raise a decent human being"?

Also, there is nothing hypocritical about telling their daughters to admire Hillary Clinton as a role model and yet not running for office themselves. You can say this about any career really. Your child is an artist and you have "no talent" why wouldn't you be able to cheer them on to be an artist? Or if you are terrible at math why wouldn't you encourage them to study harder at it so they can go into STEM fields?