First sleep over for my daughter, and the mom was drinking wine.

[Anonymous]

OP, how did it go?

I also would have left my DD and I also would have been concerned. Would that many people really have created the kind of scene and social falloout (for both kid and adult) of arriving then abruptly departing? These are friends of OP's DD and it was a bday party. Apparently drinking while hosting kids is way more common than I realized. It's really hard, you don't want your child to be the only one to miss out in a situation that will probably be fine. I think you weighed the odds and were right to still feel some misgivings. I think a lot of the posters who say you should have turned around and walked out in a huff have younger kids. In preschool or daycare you can get to know the other families better and people often do playdates as a family. As your kids get older the classes get bigger and change every year - there are more and more of these calculations and it is really hard. Even if it's not a sleepover, playdates can last for hours or involve the other family driving. Even if you think you know people, you don't really know what they do in their house. After reading too much DCUM I recently offered neigbors visiting for a playdate wine as an option in a litany of drinks. It was 5:00 on a Saturday and the dad actually recoiled a bit, they went for juice and iced coffee. I know that they drink wine when they have dinner parties, I see it in their recycling. But not everyone wants to have "wiine o'clock" when hanging out with young kids. The fact is that all of you will be faced with these situations more and more even by 6. If your child's whole friend group is at a sleepover it can stigmatize them if they can never join in. The calculation would be easier if all parents were ultra responsible and kept their socializing alcohol free when hosting kids but apparently that isn't the real world. I like that phone idea for the kid to call on the down low, will have to thing about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a good laugh about you people who think drinking a glass of wine while supervising children is a crisis. I was at a kids birthday party today, plenty of kids who were just in peril clearly because there were a few people having wine and beer. I declined because I wasn't in the mood and had bought a soda, but really, people. Honestly, a glass of wine, people. In my social circle, the OP's experience is totally normal. We all get along and get to know each other and each other's kids. It's such a relief that I know my kids' friends and their parents so well. I feel bad that the OP is so ?busy? narrow-minded? whatever that she can't be bothered to have a glass of wine or water or soda or whatever with her kid's friend's parent. People seriously need to loosen up.

Signed, a person who will occasionally have a drink or 2 and occasionally pass it up, because I have a, you know, completely normal relationship with alcohol. I know y'all don't live in my neighborhood because we're not all worked up where I live. Have fun in the 'burbs, people.

I was soooooooo with you until the "burbs" barb. I'm in Bethesda. My social circle has the same stance on alcohol as yours does. Please don't stoop so low as to now make this a city vs. suburbs thing. I used to live in the city and my burb friends are no different than my city friends...except we have an easier time parking.

I'm the city poster. I apologize. I think I was thinking about all the driving comments and thinking that we aren't as likely to be hopping in a car. Anyway, I know there are perfectly reasonable people all over, not just limited to the city!

[Anonymous]

Gee this sleepover must be over by now. Does anyone know how it went? I didn't have time to read all the posts.

[Anonymous]

I need a drink after reading this ...thank golly my kids aren't home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has gone beyond absurd. Are the PPs really accusing anyone who doesn't agree with their view of being in denial about their own drinking problems? Cmon, guys, get a grip. Why can't you accept that some of us just don't see a glass of wine as the devil's brew? That doesn't make us closet alcoholics!

And the overall point, which I'd guess everyone probably agrees with, is that the OP shouldn't have left her child to stay over night with a family she doesn't know well enough to trust that they are responsible. Especially a 6yo on her first sleepover! I'm still stunned that the debate is raging over a glass of wine, when the real point is that she left her young child with strangers for the night. I have a 6yo, and I don't know anyone who would do that.

Slapping my head. You have missed the point in an absolutely profound way. It's not that anyone is "raging" over a glass of wine. It's the glass of wine when, in my view, that parent is just as much "on the clock" as a nanny might be. If you agree willingly to take on the responsibility of 6 year olds overnight, then I think it should be tacit that you also agree to abstain from alcohol. Whether or not you think it is puritanical or not is beside the point. Whether or not your driving ability is impaired or not, is beside the point. I can't believe that this is so hard for people to fathom. I probably drink as much or more as some of you and less than others. This is not someone saying you're all alkies because you have a glass of wine most nights (though that may be true, it's not something anyone can predict over the internet). We can all make our value judgments about people who want / need to drink every night, but really, setting that aside is best because it has nothing to do with this thread. The only thing relevant here is that the mom in question made assumptions about children invited to her home. Assumed those kids' parents were okay with casual drinking while she was supervising.

Can you tell me exactly how you or any of the other last PPs can tell me that the mom really had one glass of wine? I guess this PP here at least says she would not have left her child at the sleepover, but what would you have done if your child was, say, 10? The issues don't change that dramatically. If your child wants to go to a sleepover, and all the other children are going (so if he / she does not go, she'll feel left out, a really big important thing for kids) do you think it's right that a parent is put in the position of guessing how much wine the host mom and / or dad is going to consume while watching your children? Maybe alcohol doesn't raise your eyebrows, but someone else mentioned pot. Yes, it's illegal, but let's face it, it's not inherently more dangerous than alcohol (that alcohol was illegal during prohibition is a reminder of how irrational our drug laws can be). So one mom's no big deal on marijuana might be really offensive to another. Some people truly think that pot is absolutely fine, that it should not be illegal, that the fact that we illegalize it is what makes it so dangerous. I don't necessarily agree, but I can see the point they make. That said, I STILL do not want these people smoking pot around my kids. Even if it were legal, I wouldn't permit it around my children. Just like I'm not going to permit a parent who has been drinking to care for my child because I do not know when they'll say when, I do not know how they behave when they drink, and I do not want someone else's values about drinking having a formative impact on my child, however slight.

Sorry, but if you drink when hosting a sleepover party, I think it absolutely says something about you and your relationship with alcohol. You don't have to be a raging alcoholic to have a problem with drinking. If you can't put the glass down for a night, it's a problem. Yes, yes, yes, it is. And just know that you're not just raising the eyebrows of teatotallers and oldies from the suburbs. I'm mid-thirties, like my wine, live in the damn city, and used to be in a band for god's sake, so I am pretty far from puritanical.

Again, just appreciate this thread for educating me that, when my child is old enough for sleepovers, I'll add "will the adults be drinking" to my list of questions to ask parents, along with "are there guns in the home." (Something else many people think others shouldn't care about, but many do).

PP, I am BEGGING YOU -- please, PLEASE post shorter responses!!!!! Can anyone really read all that? I was going to agree with your point about the mom being on the clock the same as a nanny -- thank you for clarifying that because I really didn't get the comparison before you spelled it out -- but since I simply COULD NOT read your entire post, now I'm not sure what else you posted about it that might make me want to not pat you on the back for that....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This thread has gone beyond absurd. Are the PPs really accusing anyone who doesn't agree with their view of being in denial about their own drinking problems? Cmon, guys, get a grip. Why can't you accept that some of us just don't see a glass of wine as the devil's brew? That doesn't make us closet alcoholics!

And the overall point, which I'd guess everyone probably agrees with, is that the OP shouldn't have left her child to stay over night with a family she doesn't know well enough to trust that they are responsible. Especially a 6yo on her first sleepover! I'm still stunned that the debate is raging over a glass of wine, when the real point is that she left her young child with strangers for the night. I have a 6yo, and I don't know anyone who would do that.

Slapping my head. You have missed the point in an absolutely profound way. It's not that anyone is "raging" over a glass of wine. It's the glass of wine when, in my view, that parent is just as much "on the clock" as a nanny might be. If you agree willingly to take on the responsibility of 6 year olds overnight, then I think it should be tacit that you also agree to abstain from alcohol. Whether or not you think it is puritanical or not is beside the point. Whether or not your driving ability is impaired or not, is beside the point. I can't believe that this is so hard for people to fathom. I probably drink as much or more as some of you and less than others. This is not someone saying you're all alkies because you have a glass of wine most nights (though that may be true, it's not something anyone can predict over the internet). We can all make our value judgments about people who want / need to drink every night, but really, setting that aside is best because it has nothing to do with this thread. The only thing relevant here is that the mom in question made assumptions about children invited to her home. Assumed those kids' parents were okay with casual drinking while she was supervising.

Can you tell me exactly how you or any of the other last PPs can tell me that the mom really had one glass of wine? I guess this PP here at least says she would not have left her child at the sleepover, but what would you have done if your child was, say, 10? The issues don't change that dramatically. If your child wants to go to a sleepover, and all the other children are going (so if he / she does not go, she'll feel left out, a really big important thing for kids) do you think it's right that a parent is put in the position of guessing how much wine the host mom and / or dad is going to consume while watching your children? Maybe alcohol doesn't raise your eyebrows, but someone else mentioned pot. Yes, it's illegal, but let's face it, it's not inherently more dangerous than alcohol (that alcohol was illegal during prohibition is a reminder of how irrational our drug laws can be). So one mom's no big deal on marijuana might be really offensive to another. Some people truly think that pot is absolutely fine, that it should not be illegal, that the fact that we illegalize it is what makes it so dangerous. I don't necessarily agree, but I can see the point they make. That said, I STILL do not want these people smoking pot around my kids. Even if it were legal, I wouldn't permit it around my children. Just like I'm not going to permit a parent who has been drinking to care for my child because I do not know when they'll say when, I do not know how they behave when they drink, and I do not want someone else's values about drinking having a formative impact on my child, however slight.

Sorry, but if you drink when hosting a sleepover party, I think it absolutely says something about you and your relationship with alcohol. You don't have to be a raging alcoholic to have a problem with drinking. If you can't put the glass down for a night, it's a problem. Yes, yes, yes, it is. And just know that you're not just raising the eyebrows of teatotallers and oldies from the suburbs. I'm mid-thirties, like my wine, live in the damn city, and used to be in a band for god's sake, so I am pretty far from puritanical.

Again, just appreciate this thread for educating me that, when my child is old enough for sleepovers, I'll add "will the adults be drinking" to my list of questions to ask parents, along with "are there guns in the home." (Something else many people think others shouldn't care about, but many do).

Re-read your post, PP. You have morphed a parent offering another parent a glass of wine into a debate about legalization of marijuana. Sorry, it's just not the same thing: one is legal, the other is not. So it's a lousy analogy, and the fact that you keep resorting to this and other leaps of logic (are you the same PP who has been shrieking about what happens if a child drowns at the sleepover?) and accusations that anyone who disagrees with you is a closet alcoholic greatly undermines your argument, as well as any sympathy I might have with your position. Sorry, I'm just unconvinced that parents having a glass of wine (or something nonalcoholic) while supervising children is inherently irresponsible.

As I said, I wouldn't leave my 6yo overnight with parents whom I don't know well enough to trust. Same goes for car-riding and any other position of responsibility vis-a-vis my kids. Whether they offer a glass of wine is irrelevant; I either know and trust them, and don't worry, or I don't, and then I don't entrust my kids to them.

I notice that the head-slapping PP with the doomsday scenarios about a slippery slope to potsmoking chaperones mentions her kids aren't old enough for sleepovers. So I'm beginning to wonder if most of the hysteria on this thread is coming from first time moms with babies who haven't yet begun to navigate the boundaries between themselves, their children and the world.

[Anonymous]

i remember when i was about 6 or 7, and i had a friend come over for a sleepover, and i guess my mom had a beer. well i kept inviting her to come and play and/or sleep over and she kept saying "no my mom won't let me". finally i kept asking her why and she finally told me that her mom didn't want me hanging out with her b/c my mom had a beer when she was there. i was hurt, and my mom too was hurt b/c she obviously felt at fault for me basically losing a friend. i'm 34 and still remember that. i don't think it is wrong to have a glass of wine when you're watching your own kids or if there is a sleepover. i agree w/ the other posters that typically you'd know the parents well before you allow your child to stay over - so you would know if they are alcoholics who end up making bad choices after drinking.... as for a babysitter or nanny - no they would not be allowed to drink while caring for my kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm not Puritanical, I enjoy a drink. But when you're hosting a sleepover for little kids, put the damn bottle down for one night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Re-read your post, PP. You have morphed a parent offering another parent a glass of wine into a debate about legalization of marijuana. Sorry, it's just not the same thing: one is legal, the other is not. So it's a lousy analogy, and the fact that you keep resorting to this and other leaps of logic (are you the same PP who has been shrieking about what happens if a child drowns at the sleepover?) and accusations that anyone who disagrees with you is a closet alcoholic greatly undermines your argument, as well as any sympathy I might have with your position. Sorry, I'm just unconvinced that parents having a glass of wine (or something nonalcoholic) while supervising children is inherently irresponsible.

As I said, I wouldn't leave my 6yo overnight with parents whom I don't know well enough to trust. Same goes for car-riding and any other position of responsibility vis-a-vis my kids. Whether they offer a glass of wine is irrelevant; I either know and trust them, and don't worry, or I don't, and then I don't entrust my kids to them.

I notice that the head-slapping PP with the doomsday scenarios about a slippery slope to potsmoking chaperones mentions her kids aren't old enough for sleepovers. So I'm beginning to wonder if most of the hysteria on this thread is coming from first time moms with babies who haven't yet begun to navigate the boundaries between themselves, their children and the world.

You're rude and you just don't get it. First of all, I'm not the person talking about dry-drowning and this was the first time I've mentioned "pot," as I was responding to another poster. I never said anything about alcohol being a "slippery slope" for pot. I specifically said that if pot were legal, I still would not want someone smoking it around my child. What do you think? If pot is legalized, will you allow your child's friend's parents to smoke it around your children?

I don't think you actually want to have a conversation with me or anyone else, I think you are feeling defensive about drinking while supervising children. FWIW, I personally never once said it was 'inherently irresponsible" to do this. I did say if you can't stop drinking for one night in order to host a slumber party, you have a problem. And if you simply don't want to because you personally think it is not necessary, this thread should be eye-opening to you. At least half your peers on DCUM, some of us moderate drinkers ourselves, disagree and would feel uncomfortable sending our kids to your house.

If that makes you feel defensive about your drinking habits, that's your own value judgment to make. I don't care what you do with yourself, I just don't want you drinking around my kids. And many other parents feel the same way.

BTW, saying that posters who don't agree with you feel that way because we don't get it yet? Pah-lease. What a cop out.

[Anonymous]

You people are unbelievable. Being invited to have a glass of wine as cause for concern???? Where are you all from?

[Anonymous]

Are there certain private schools in the DC area whose students are viewed as heavier and/or more frequent drinkers than those at other schools? I'd be curious as to their parents' views on the issue and those same students' behavior when they enroll in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are unbelievable. Being invited to have a glass of wine as cause for concern???? Where are you all from?

America

[Anonymous]

we've become so stiff!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or would you just assume it? The thing is, some people assume that somebody watching their child won't have ANY wine. So if that person shouldn't assume no alcohol, you shouldn't assume 1 or 2 glasses. You shouldn't assume anything. It SHOULD be a given that if you host a sleepover, you won't be drinking. But sadly, it's not. And by the way, this has nothing to do with being incapacitated or performing CPR, in my view. It's just that some people do not want their children around a person who has been drinking.

As long as each of us is making up our own SHOULDS here's mine:

It SHOULD be assumed that the host parents will do pretty much the same thing at a sleepover, as they do when they have just their own kids at home.

If I generally have two glasses of wine with dinner on a Saturday night, and then let my kids watch a PG movie and then tuck them into bed, I'll have the same two glasses of wine when your little Marianne is spending the night with us; and I'll let HER watch a PG movie and will tuck her into the same bedroom my daughter sleeps in.

If I generally drink a beer with dinner, and let my 10 tear old play Wii games rated teen... then at a sleepover, I'll probably also have abeer with dinner, and let YOUR 10 year old kid play a Wii game rated teen.

If you aren't comfortable with the way I parents than you shouldn't let your kid sleep over at our house. If you don't know me well enough to know what Iusually drink, what ratings I let kids play and watch -- then you shouldn't send your kids over o my house for a sleepover either.

What you SHOULDN'T do is assume your standards are the same as EVERYONE"s standards, or SHOULD BE the same.

[Anonymous]

OK. I admit to not reading all the posts so far, but from what I did read - no one has mentioned the dad. The main concern from those who think it is bad the mom was drinking was that there was no one to take the kids to the hospital in the event of a medical emergency (or to watch the kids during a January swim). But the OP didn't mention the dad - or the potential older sibling.

Of course, I'm not against a parent drinking a glass of wine or two.