First sleep over for my daughter, and the mom was drinking wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
12:05 and 12:09 here. I drink, average 2 glasses of wine a week. But I see more and more excuses for wine. Can't people understand that it is actually commom courtesy and manners not to drink when you are taking care of someone elses kid? I guess its OK then for a nanny to have "a" glass of wine mid-afternoon? What would be the opinion if the mom had been kicking back "a" shot of Jack Daniels or Southern Comfort?

Are you permitted to drink on the job? No? Then it's probably not OK for the nanny to do it, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
12:05 and 12:09 here. I drink, average 2 glasses of wine a week. But I see more and more excuses for wine. Can't people understand that it is actually commom courtesy and manners not to drink when you are taking care of someone elses kid? I guess its OK then for a nanny to have "a" glass of wine mid-afternoon? What would be the opinion if the mom had been kicking back "a" shot of Jack Daniels or Southern Comfort?

Are you permitted to drink on the job? No? Then it's probably not OK for the nanny to do it, either.

Would it be okay to have just one glass of wine at lunch? Or maybe two while we're out for lunch? Could that really affect our performance, alertness, or driving ability?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A glass or two of wine, no problem. Getting drunk or buzzed while responsible for kids, not OK.

Funny, when we socialize with friends I am often the ONLY parent who spends the evening actually WATCHING my kids. The parents would put in a movie, give the kids popcorn, and send them down to the basement playroom. I was the ONLY parent who would actually sit down there and watch the kids to make sure, for example, nobody choked! These kids were, four I think? It was very isolating for me to miss all the socializing but I simply could not relax if I left my kid alone in the basement. I am sure they all thought I was nuts.

Oh and I often had a glass of wine while supervising, however!

Just a quick question off-topic - where to you find is the best place to park your helicopter?

[Anonymous]

OK, I admit it. After trying to get 2 four-year olds to bed for an hour - I had a beer. And man, that beer tasted good.

But I could literally pick up a wounded kid and run to the hospital quicker than I could strap a kid into a carseat and drive. Does that make me an OK mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I've lived in Europe and they (at least the UK) have a HUGE alcohol problem. Binge drinking especially. So don't make it sound like the there is something magical about how Europeans handle alcohol. Its a national problem.

Just like in the UK, when problem drinking is nearly universal, it seems normal.

There we have it. It isn't that you are too uptight, it is that every other nations and continent has problems. It seems to me that the one country that actually banned alcohol for a decade and doesn't let 20 year olds buy a beer might be the one with more of a problem.

I drink one glass of red wine every night for health reasons. Doctors orders. I see no reason to abstain just because so many people on this board have a problematic, puritanical, and judgmental attitude to alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I've lived in Europe and they (at least the UK) have a HUGE alcohol problem. Binge drinking especially. So don't make it sound like the there is something magical about how Europeans handle alcohol. Its a national problem.

Just like in the UK, when problem drinking is nearly universal, it seems normal.

There we have it. It isn't that you are too uptight, it is that every other nations and continent has problems. It seems to me that the one country that actually banned alcohol for a decade and doesn't let 20 year olds buy a beer might be the one with more of a problem.

I drink one glass of red wine every night for health reasons. Doctors orders. I see no reason to abstain just because so many people on this board have a problematic, puritanical, and judgmental attitude to alcohol.

I really think you're being a little defensive here and missing the point. Personally, I would never have left my children with anyone I didn't know extremely well and well enough to know that the person would stop with one drink of wine. My kids had several friends with parents like you, and I wouldn't have hesitated for them to stay overnight. The OP didn't seem to have that kind of knowledge (the reason so many posters advised caution), and I do think there are more problem drinkers than people want to admit.

[Anonymous]

Puritans are run amok in this thread. I have not been drunk since I had kids. Too much responsibility on my shoulders. But come on, one beer and you can't buckle your kid into a car seat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I've lived in Europe and they (at least the UK) have a HUGE alcohol problem. Binge drinking especially. So don't make it sound like the there is something magical about how Europeans handle alcohol. Its a national problem.

Just like in the UK, when problem drinking is nearly universal, it seems normal.

There we have it. It isn't that you are too uptight, it is that every other nations and continent has problems. It seems to me that the one country that actually banned alcohol for a decade and doesn't let 20 year olds buy a beer might be the one with more of a problem.

I drink one glass of red wine every night for health reasons. Doctors orders. I see no reason to abstain just because so many people on this board have a problematic, puritanical, and judgmental attitude to alcohol.

Completely missed the point.

[Anonymous]

This thread has gone beyond absurd. Are the PPs really accusing anyone who doesn't agree with their view of being in denial about their own drinking problems? Cmon, guys, get a grip. Why can't you accept that some of us just don't see a glass of wine as the devil's brew? That doesn't make us closet alcoholics!

And the overall point, which I'd guess everyone probably agrees with, is that the OP shouldn't have left her child to stay over night with a family she doesn't know well enough to trust that they are responsible. Especially a 6yo on her first sleepover! I'm still stunned that the debate is raging over a glass of wine, when the real point is that she left her young child with strangers for the night. I have a 6yo, and I don't know anyone who would do that.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really should have taken her up on her offer to come in and have a drink (you could have had water or anything). This way you would have had a chance to get to know her better and see what was really going on. I certainly would want to go in and meet the parents that I'm handing my daughter over to for the night. But either way, I think it is totally acceptable for her to have a glass of wine. To be getting drunk, no but a glass is fine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has gone beyond absurd. Are the PPs really accusing anyone who doesn't agree with their view of being in denial about their own drinking problems? Cmon, guys, get a grip. Why can't you accept that some of us just don't see a glass of wine as the devil's brew? That doesn't make us closet alcoholics!

And the overall point, which I'd guess everyone probably agrees with, is that the OP shouldn't have left her child to stay over night with a family she doesn't know well enough to trust that they are responsible. Especially a 6yo on her first sleepover! I'm still stunned that the debate is raging over a glass of wine, when the real point is that she left her young child with strangers for the night. I have a 6yo, and I don't know anyone who would do that.

Slapping my head. You have missed the point in an absolutely profound way. It's not that anyone is "raging" over a glass of wine. It's the glass of wine when, in my view, that parent is just as much "on the clock" as a nanny might be. If you agree willingly to take on the responsibility of 6 year olds overnight, then I think it should be tacit that you also agree to abstain from alcohol. Whether or not you think it is puritanical or not is beside the point. Whether or not your driving ability is impaired or not, is beside the point. I can't believe that this is so hard for people to fathom. I probably drink as much or more as some of you and less than others. This is not someone saying you're all alkies because you have a glass of wine most nights (though that may be true, it's not something anyone can predict over the internet). We can all make our value judgments about people who want / need to drink every night, but really, setting that aside is best because it has nothing to do with this thread. The only thing relevant here is that the mom in question made assumptions about children invited to her home. Assumed those kids' parents were okay with casual drinking while she was supervising.

Can you tell me exactly how you or any of the other last PPs can tell me that the mom really had one glass of wine? I guess this PP here at least says she would not have left her child at the sleepover, but what would you have done if your child was, say, 10? The issues don't change that dramatically. If your child wants to go to a sleepover, and all the other children are going (so if he / she does not go, she'll feel left out, a really big important thing for kids) do you think it's right that a parent is put in the position of guessing how much wine the host mom and / or dad is going to consume while watching your children? Maybe alcohol doesn't raise your eyebrows, but someone else mentioned pot. Yes, it's illegal, but let's face it, it's not inherently more dangerous than alcohol (that alcohol was illegal during prohibition is a reminder of how irrational our drug laws can be). So one mom's no big deal on marijuana might be really offensive to another. Some people truly think that pot is absolutely fine, that it should not be illegal, that the fact that we illegalize it is what makes it so dangerous. I don't necessarily agree, but I can see the point they make. That said, I STILL do not want these people smoking pot around my kids. Even if it were legal, I wouldn't permit it around my children. Just like I'm not going to permit a parent who has been drinking to care for my child because I do not know when they'll say when, I do not know how they behave when they drink, and I do not want someone else's values about drinking having a formative impact on my child, however slight.

Sorry, but if you drink when hosting a sleepover party, I think it absolutely says something about you and your relationship with alcohol. You don't have to be a raging alcoholic to have a problem with drinking. If you can't put the glass down for a night, it's a problem. Yes, yes, yes, it is. And just know that you're not just raising the eyebrows of teatotallers and oldies from the suburbs. I'm mid-thirties, like my wine, live in the damn city, and used to be in a band for god's sake, so I am pretty far from puritanical.

Again, just appreciate this thread for educating me that, when my child is old enough for sleepovers, I'll add "will the adults be drinking" to my list of questions to ask parents, along with "are there guns in the home." (Something else many people think others shouldn't care about, but many do).

[Anonymous]

OP, i normally do not chime in on these threads advising other people what their comfort level should be. i understand you are trying to check what the social norms are regarding this kind of thing. but as other people have mentioned, if you were worried enough about it to come home and post a worried question about it on THIS board (which, unless you are extremely new, you probably know to be reactionary and crazy in several directions at once), it was probably not a good idea to leave your child at this party. if it was to happen again, a good way to handle the hostess's question would be to say "i'd rather not drink because i have to drive home, but i'd love a glass of water/coffee/tea" and then stay and get to know your daughter's friends' parents. if you observed the other moms having a small glass of wine while getting to know each other and making small talk, would you feel okay about it? whether the answer to that question is yes or no, the point (echoed by many people on this thread) is that you just don't know if that's what was going on. it's possible that your daughter is friends with the child of an irresponsible alcoholic who routinely gets falldown drunk while caring for other people's children. it's also possible that your daughter is friends with someone who graciously offers her guests an opportunity to get to know each other before heading home.

before i read this thread, i wouldn't have thought anything of offering parents dropping their children off "a drink" before they left - i would follow up my invitation by saying "we have coffee, tea, wine, water, milk" and whatever else we happen to have in the house. to me, it would be an opportunity to snoop a little bit on where my child would be hanging out for the next 12 hours and to get to know the people she'd be spending time with, both of which would greatly increase my confidence in the situation. after reading this thread, i will likely be sure not to offer wine in addition to the other things because many people seem to consider that sort of invitation as an indication that i'm a falldown drunk who can't be trusted to not allow a teenager to molest a girl over for a sleepover.

either way, i hope your daughter had fun at her party and that you've gained some perspective on this whole issue.

[Anonymous]

interesting that one of the PP would ask the host if there are guns in the house. if they said yes, would that be a dealbreaker? What if the guns were locked in a gunsafe and the host was an off-duty police officer or military?

we have guns in our house, locked away securely in a gun safe, and it never occurred to me that it would be an issue when having kids over.

[Anonymous]

Whether it's missing the point or not, I completely agree that OP should NOT have left her child there.. She obviously doesn't know this family well enough to know that they would have stopped at a glass of wine, or that they would have remained responsible enough to care for her children. I haven't read OP respond to anything here, so she probably realizes that and this is why she isn't responding. And to the PP above who talks about the kid missing out.. There are plenty of ways to take care of that feeling. Do something special with your child for the night, let her invite someone to spend the night (someone who may be feeling bad that she wasn't invited to the sleepover perhaps..win win there) or go out for pizza.. take her shopping, take her home have a family game night.. there are plenty of things OP could have done rather than have her child staying with someone that she obviously didn't trust completely from the start..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has gone beyond absurd. Are the PPs really accusing anyone who doesn't agree with their view of being in denial about their own drinking problems? Cmon, guys, get a grip. Why can't you accept that some of us just don't see a glass of wine as the devil's brew? That doesn't make us closet alcoholics!

And the overall point, which I'd guess everyone probably agrees with, is that the OP shouldn't have left her child to stay over night with a family she doesn't know well enough to trust that they are responsible. Especially a 6yo on her first sleepover! I'm still stunned that the debate is raging over a glass of wine, when the real point is that she left her young child with strangers for the night. I have a 6yo, and I don't know anyone who would do that.

Slapping my head. You have missed the point in an absolutely profound way. It's not that anyone is "raging" over a glass of wine. It's the glass of wine when, in my view, that parent is just as much "on the clock" as a nanny might be. If you agree willingly to take on the responsibility of 6 year olds overnight, then I think it should be tacit that you also agree to abstain from alcohol. Whether or not you think it is puritanical or not is beside the point. Whether or not your driving ability is impaired or not, is beside the point. I can't believe that this is so hard for people to fathom. I probably drink as much or more as some of you and less than others. This is not someone saying you're all alkies because you have a glass of wine most nights (though that may be true, it's not something anyone can predict over the internet). We can all make our value judgments about people who want / need to drink every night, but really, setting that aside is best because it has nothing to do with this thread. The only thing relevant here is that the mom in question made assumptions about children invited to her home. Assumed those kids' parents were okay with casual drinking while she was supervising.

Can you tell me exactly how you or any of the other last PPs can tell me that the mom really had one glass of wine? I guess this PP here at least says she would not have left her child at the sleepover, but what would you have done if your child was, say, 10? The issues don't change that dramatically. If your child wants to go to a sleepover, and all the other children are going (so if he / she does not go, she'll feel left out, a really big important thing for kids) do you think it's right that a parent is put in the position of guessing how much wine the host mom and / or dad is going to consume while watching your children? Maybe alcohol doesn't raise your eyebrows, but someone else mentioned pot. Yes, it's illegal, but let's face it, it's not inherently more dangerous than alcohol (that alcohol was illegal during prohibition is a reminder of how irrational our drug laws can be). So one mom's no big deal on marijuana might be really offensive to another. Some people truly think that pot is absolutely fine, that it should not be illegal, that the fact that we illegalize it is what makes it so dangerous. I don't necessarily agree, but I can see the point they make. That said, I STILL do not want these people smoking pot around my kids. Even if it were legal, I wouldn't permit it around my children. Just like I'm not going to permit a parent who has been drinking to care for my child because I do not know when they'll say when, I do not know how they behave when they drink, and I do not want someone else's values about drinking having a formative impact on my child, however slight.

Sorry, but if you drink when hosting a sleepover party, I think it absolutely says something about you and your relationship with alcohol. You don't have to be a raging alcoholic to have a problem with drinking. If you can't put the glass down for a night, it's a problem. Yes, yes, yes, it is. And just know that you're not just raising the eyebrows of teatotallers and oldies from the suburbs. I'm mid-thirties, like my wine, live in the damn city, and used to be in a band for god's sake, so I am pretty far from puritanical.

Again, just appreciate this thread for educating me that, when my child is old enough for sleepovers, I'll add "will the adults be drinking" to my list of questions to ask parents, along with "are there guns in the home." (Something else many people think others shouldn't care about, but many do).

Thank you for taking the time to share this post! Whether or not all will agree (and they won't!), you did a great job!