My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

+1. And the only reason OP likes the in-law is because she gets “something” from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not expect family whom I invite to visit me to cook or clean and I don't offer to clean or cook when invited to their homes. If you are incapable of taking care of your children or your house then hire help. If you can't afford help then get off your entitled derriere hand clean your own house and take care of your own children.

You don't clean up after yourself or offer to help with cooking/cleaning when you visit family? That's so weird to me. We always defer to our hosts on everything but we clean up after ourselves and always offer to help with meal prep and clean up. When we visit my parents or ILs, we also check in to see if there are other tasks we can help with, as often our parents have other issues they have been putting off or are unsure how to handle. I helped my MIL get out of a cell phone contract after they'd given her the run around on it. I helped my parents switch their car insurance. That kind of thing.

I cannot imagine visiting a family member and just expecting to be served and waited on. It's not a hotel! I also do our own laundry and make sure the rooms we are staying in are reasonable tidy with made beds and that kind of thing.

And on the flip side, if someone is visiting me, especially when my kids were very young and required constant supervision, you bet I assume that I can leave grandparents with the baby or a toddler while I work on dinner or catch up on some work. And I assume they will enjoy these interactions and not view them as "free babysitting" but an opportunity to bond one on one with their grandkids.

Some of you have deeeeeeply dysfunctional attitudes about family. It must be so miserable living that way.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I was the one who made the comment about Indian and Chinese parents a few pages back. I just didn't keep track of this thread.

I was referring to Indian and Chinese parents who live here, in the United States, and spend time with their adult kids. It would be so weird for my mom to visit and NOT help keep the household running, just like when I go hang out at her place it would be weird for me not to help take the trash out or wash dishes if they needed to be done. I'm not a guest in my mom's house - I'm her daughter! Just like she's not a guest in my house, she's my mom. Do I make her feel special when she's around, of course, I make sure we've got her tea and we cook meals that she likes together.

I recently visited my uncle in a different country and it was the same - we all helped keep the house running, the adult children, the nieces and nephews. To me, this is how you behave when you visit family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating cultural difference for me. It was a huge event when our parents, or other relatives, visited. We never expected them to do anything, beyond visiting. I can't imagine being so angry and hurt that they came to visit a newborn for two hours.

I can understand OP is hurt because she is comparing her parents to her in-laws, so she feels like her parents are letting her down. But, as they say, comparison is the thief of joy.

You are saying your would only visit your newborn grandkids for two hours then go on vacation for a week? How would that make your children feel?

Like their parents were people with independent lives who loved them enough to come to the hospital when their kids were born. You’re a greedy whiner. Are you looking forward to being a full time domestic servant for your old children the minute they have kids, saving all your money to give to them? I sure hope so.

Grandparents benefit their grandkids and grandkids benefit grandparents. Active and involved grandparents live longer and face slower decline (google the scientific studies). have you heard of the grandmother effect? Parenthood with grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc. is the natural way of life, in a societies that don’t aim to create a worker bee out of every person for as long as humanly possible. Don’t make OP feel crazy because she feels something is off. Maybe the grandparents never really liked parenting either or they bought into the self-centered lifestyle that seems prevalent in this thread.

But where do the parents fit in your system? Here the OP is complaining that her parents don't cook nor clean, didn't stay to take care of her children for a 2-week business trip, didn't stay to take care of her after birth... and in fact the ILs are cooking and cleaning and changing diapers because she's busy working. Seems that she expects the grandmothers to do the mother's job. And what does the father do? Not once is the father mentioned in this thread, it's as if he doesn't exist, just his parents who are busy hovering over everybody. It's as if the parents want someone else to do their job, so that they'd not have to do it.

I don't really think it works this way. I think in healthy involved families people want to be together. As a result they want to help out because that's what we do as humans. We might come by every Sunday and spend the day talking and cooking and playing some with the kids. Living life. Chores are a part of it I assume but also just hanging out. The idea is that you come and you spend the day with them or you are available 2 nights a week and you come and you spend dinner with your family. Or your family with the baby comes to you and does the same. Maybe they are helping you with your faucet or something. Help go through the basement clutter. What is so weird to me is that people of any age want to spend life with others but don't ever want to do any work with each other. Isn't work just part of life that can be enjoyed by doing it together? Are we so warped that work is the enemy after living in a capitalistic society that we can't see this basic reality? So we all do our own work and never spend time together. Makes sense in a warped society I guess.

Ideally adults should be self-sufficient. What you describe might somewhat work, if people all get along, if you live near-by in the same village/town/city and are enmeshed/co-dependent. Most people don't, they live at a distance and see each other infrequently. They live far from each other because that's where their work, interests, schooling, spouse has taken them. Meaning, when you then see each other (say 2-3 times a year), you don't want to do another person's household chores. Also, you sound young. By middle-age most people get tired of solving other people's problems as they have their own plates full. An adult who constantly needs help with basic daily functioning has not really matured and instead of help (i.e. enabling) may need mental health counseling or other help to actually teach those chores (like we teach kids how to brush their teeth). I personally don't have time nor desire to go through my adult child's basement clutter and I don't know anyone who does. I also don't expect my adult child to deal with my basement clutter, and if I would ask, they would certainly refuse. I'm also just about to call a repairman to fix my faucet as none of us a plumbers. Most people I know want to spend time pleasantly over a good meal and laughs, maybe some sightseeing and travel, and certainly not cleaning their relative's basement over the weekend. In fact you sound completely ridiculous with your expectations.

I was thinking about the elderly parent needing clutter cleanup. You sound very young and elitest. Most people don't have the money to constantly hire someone to do things. That's why poorer families are more enmeshed. They don't have the funds to spend all of their time with family sightseeing and traveling and also call others to help with with every task.

Let's try to keep the thread about the OP and her parents. THEY ARE FROM THE SAME FAMILY AND FROM THE SAME CULTURE. The daughter for some reason obviously expects her parents to behave in a way that THEY DON'T WANT TO and don't consider it in THEIR CULTURE to do. This family is NOT poor. They have at least 2 working adults who don't want to take care of their baby and the mom is going for a 2 WEEK BUSINESS TRIP.

As far as you're concerned, if you're so poor, you shouldn't have clutter to begin with. I moved to this country with one suitcase and that had everything I needed. It's you who is elitist and with an attitude, expecting other people to be your servants, because you're too IMPORTANT to clean your own house and cook your meals. Normal adults manage their own lives, get off their behind, cook and clean and take care of their children THEMSELVES. That's the whole point of having a family. Nobody asks others to help all the time because it's impossible to know without training how to fix plumbing, roof, electronics, rewire electrical outlets... it's as if you have no idea what is actually involved in running a household because you've never done it yourself, probably mommy and daddy did it for you.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a joke, entitled much???!! Let’s see you have kids, can’t afford them and get mad at your parents for not stepping in to help you take care of them. Is that right??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a joke, entitled much???!! Let’s see you have kids, can’t afford them and get mad at your parents for not stepping in to help you take care of them. Is that right??

I can afford my kids and my finances are good. I’m frustrated that they don’t care about the grandkids. Visiting for only 2 hours after their grandkid is born then going on a vacation for a week shows that their priorities are messed up. The fact that people are defending this behavior is beyond ridiculous. They care more about going to the beach than meeting their grandkid. I wasn’t expecting them to help out, but you could at least spend a few days with your grandkid instead of prioritizing a beach trip over your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a joke, entitled much???!! Let’s see you have kids, can’t afford them and get mad at your parents for not stepping in to help you take care of them. Is that right??

I can afford my kids and my finances are good. I’m frustrated that they don’t care about the grandkids. Visiting for only 2 hours after their grandkid is born then going on a vacation for a week shows that their priorities are messed up. The fact that people are defending this behavior is beyond ridiculous. They care more about going to the beach than meeting their grandkid. I wasn’t expecting them to help out, but you could at least spend a few days with your grandkid instead of prioritizing a beach trip over your own family.

My grandparents are more engaged with their great grandkids and they are ancient. They are always excited to see them and will visit regularly to spend time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling here because my parents suck, but the kids other set of grandparents are amazing. My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow under the impression that they are great grandparents. They only come to visit for short trips and don’t actually help much with taking care of the kids. My parents basically just want pictures to show their friends. After my baby was born my dad booked a hotel that was no where near where I was staying, and only visited the kids for 3 hours over the weekend. He spent most of the time traveling, and he even mentioned he is actually going on a week long vacation immediately after visiting my kids. This made me very angry because he clearly doesn’t prioritize the grandkids at all. My mother is not much better and she basically comes to visit only to see them without actually considering when we need really help. This situation has been very frustrating because my side of family contributes almost nothing to help with the grandkids and my in-laws are absolutely amazing people. The in-laws are very nice to me, but they are quite annoyed that my family does not even try to be helpful. The in-laws have never explicitly told me this, but I can tell they dislike my parents. The worst part of this situation is I completely understand why they feel this way because I would also dislike my kids in-laws if they acted similarly to my parents. It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I want them to visit at all because it just makes me angry how much they suck as grandparents.

Way to bury the lede, OP

[Anonymous]

So if the other grandparents are constantly helping to take care of the kids and OP wants her parents to constantly take care of the kids, when does OP take care of the kids? OP has it made and it still whining like a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are an immature brat. Buck up and be an adult. Take care of your own kids. Your parents sound low key, living their retirement. They obviously love you and your kids or they wouldn’t visit. At some point they may stop, given you think they are not “useful” to you. I’m sure your attitude reeks.

I really hope you don’t treat your own grandchildren like this. No wonder so many kids drop out of school, do drugs and hey pregnant here. People literally don’t care about their families at all and have no sense of responsibility for their kids. I have no attitude at them, I’m just frustrated they treat my kids like zoo animals. My grandparents helped them out all the time.

I’m not a grandparent. I’m a 49F with 2 kids 13 and 16. I have never judged either set of grandparents for their “usefulness”. You’re kidding yourself if you think they don’t sense your attitude.

My point is that I hope you are more involved with the grandkids if you end up having any. I would not wish what my parents have done upon anyone else.

You said they visit which is more than some people have. Appreciate the time they spend with you and maybe ask yourself why you expect them to help you raise your kids. Grow up and maybe ask yourself if there is anything you can do for them

Appreciate how they don’t care about my grandkids. Everyone on this thread is awful. People in other countries actually care about their kids and grandkids. Americans apparently don’t.

You really feel like an entitled brat, frankly. My guess is your sense of being wronged or shortchanged by your parents is really come a place of embarrassment. You are embarrassed that your parents are unengaged because you feel like or reflects poorly on you as their son's wife. Are you worried they think you came from poor stock? Sounds like your parents are divorced based on your OP, so maybe you were already self conscious about that and how you are viewed in the eyes of your in-laws.

Yes, They are divorced and I’m upset they are not engaged but try to pretend like they are great grandparents on social media. Literally the only thing they do is take pictures with them. They don’t ask about how the kids are doing in school or anything that actually matters. They just don’t care what happens to the grandkids at all. My own grandparents (their parents) asked about these things and we would even go to visit them for weeks at a time over the summer. These some of the most meaningful childhood memories I have. It just makes me very sad to know that my own kids won’t have anything like this with my parents. My grandparents even bought a 5 bedroom house to make sure there is plenty of room for the kids and grandkids to visit anytime they want. My parent on the other hand can even be bothered to live in a house where there is enough room to visit for a weekend or that is safe for the grandkids. They literally bought a one bedroom house and decorated it with a bunch of antique furniture that has lead paint on it.

Your divorced parents live in the same 1 bedroom house?

[Anonymous]

My mother raised 4 kids, then had to help out raising 2 of her grandkids. She was done. I wasn't going to ask for her help with my kids, but she was willing to come visit for a month when my kids were born.

I don't blame grandparents for not wanting to take care of their grandkids. They took care of you. You are now an adult with your own kids.

I don't know what kind of grandparent I will be, more than likely I'll be pretty old since I had my kids at 35 and 38. But, I know that I would not want to babysit them that much. I'm not a kid person. That doesn't mean I don't love my kids or won't love my grandbabies, just that I am not cut out to be that type of grandparent.

I wouldn't mind helping out once in a while, but not a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling here because my parents suck, but the kids other set of grandparents are amazing. My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow under the impression that they are great grandparents. They only come to visit for short trips and don’t actually help much with taking care of the kids. My parents basically just want pictures to show their friends. After my baby was born my dad booked a hotel that was no where near where I was staying, and only visited the kids for 3 hours over the weekend. He spent most of the time traveling, and he even mentioned he is actually going on a week long vacation immediately after visiting my kids. This made me very angry because he clearly doesn’t prioritize the grandkids at all. My mother is not much better and she basically comes to visit only to see them without actually considering when we need really help. This situation has been very frustrating because my side of family contributes almost nothing to help with the grandkids and my in-laws are absolutely amazing people. The in-laws are very nice to me, but they are quite annoyed that my family does not even try to be helpful. The in-laws have never explicitly told me this, but I can tell they dislike my parents. The worst part of this situation is I completely understand why they feel this way because I would also dislike my kids in-laws if they acted similarly to my parents. It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I want them to visit at all because it just makes me angry how much they suck as grandparents.

Way to bury the lede, OP

+ 1. You seem to want both financial and physical help from both sets of grandparents and that's unrealistic and entitled. Three hours to visit a newborn is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a joke, entitled much???!! Let’s see you have kids, can’t afford them and get mad at your parents for not stepping in to help you take care of them. Is that right??

I can afford my kids and my finances are good. I’m frustrated that they don’t care about the grandkids. Visiting for only 2 hours after their grandkid is born then going on a vacation for a week shows that their priorities are messed up. The fact that people are defending this behavior is beyond ridiculous. They care more about going to the beach than meeting their grandkid. I wasn’t expecting them to help out, but you could at least spend a few days with your grandkid instead of prioritizing a beach trip over your own family.

This is a very different tone than your OP. You’re walking back. OP says she wants them to help raise the kids and provide significant financial support like her ILs do. Btw, your parents are allowed to take a beach vacation.

[Anonymous]

Op, you’re a bad person. I’m excited for my parents to travel and have fun. It’s sad that you can’t say the same. You’re setting a truly awful precedent for your own kids. You are entitled, unpleasant and combative. Your doubling down in this thread and willful obtuseness has demonstrated that over and over. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your parents just want to limit time in your presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re a bad person. I’m excited for my parents to travel and have fun. It’s sad that you can’t say the same. You’re setting a truly awful precedent for your own kids. You are entitled, unpleasant and combative. Your doubling down in this thread and willful obtuseness has demonstrated that over and over. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your parents just want to limit time in your presence.

Yes I’m a bad person for wanting my parents to be involved in the grandkids lives and not spend a few hours with 2-3x a year. If this is what American society has come to, I am seriously worried about the future of humanity.