I think I’m going to have to contact my husband’s affair partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

You would be giving her great satisfaction. It would show all is not well in your home or with you.

Please talk to a therapist instead.

There is no way you will not regret reaching out to her.

Stick to the high road.

My therapist recommended it. (No OP)

No she didn't

Yes she did. Not at first, after much discussion.

I’m not afraid of conflict and I don’t like to leave anything on the table so we decided together, for me, it was the right move.

+1 the reason they don’t advice it is for their own malpractice insurance/cover your @ss. If something violent comes out of it they don’t want culpability.

I did it and then told therapist. Therapist actually thought it was fantastic after the fact and saw how it provided closure, not that he would have advised it if I asked first.

[Anonymous]

^advise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

You would be giving her great satisfaction. It would show all is not well in your home or with you.

Please talk to a therapist instead.

There is no way you will not regret reaching out to her.

Stick to the high road.

My therapist recommended it. (No OP)

No she didn't

Yes she did. Not at first, after much discussion.

I’m not afraid of conflict and I don’t like to leave anything on the table so we decided together, for me, it was the right move.

+1 the reason they don’t advice it is for their own malpractice insurance/cover your @ss. If something violent comes out of it they don’t want culpability.

I did it and then told therapist. Therapist actually thought it was fantastic after the fact and saw how it provided closure, not that he would have advised it if I asked first.

When has a therapist ever been sued for malpractice because a client did something stupid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

She dated a cheating loser, but you married one. Why did you put yourself in a "degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" " ?

[Anonymous]

When my partner sneaks off to get drunk and high, I don't gl an talk to the alcohol and drugs about how they made me feel, for closure.

I can't see it as anything but being in denial that you married a person who offended your values so deeply, ao you try to push it out to the AP like the AP was some disease your partner caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my partner sneaks off to get drunk and high, I don't gl an talk to the alcohol and drugs about how they made me feel, for closure.

I can't see it as anything but being in denial that you married a person who offended your values so deeply, ao you try to push it out to the AP like the AP was some disease your partner caught.

The whore=booze/drugs. It’s an escape. Poor coping skill- some abuse substances others get the dopamine from sex.

It’s very simple. It’s the cheater’s issue. The AP likely has similar trauma poor coping skills for seeking out someone unavailable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my partner sneaks off to get drunk and high, I don't gl an talk to the alcohol and drugs about how they made me feel, for closure.

I can't see it as anything but being in denial that you married a person who offended your values so deeply, ao you try to push it out to the AP like the AP was some disease your partner caught.

That’s a ridiculous analogy. The booze isn’t texting your husband, nor does it have a brain or heartbeat. You would expect more from a person than a shot of jagermeister. The bottle of booze also isn’t looking you up OM social media and doing a deep dive into your friends SM and doing drive-bys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

She dated a cheating loser, but you married one. Why did you put yourself in a "degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" " ?

Most people marry someone they believe is, and will remain, faithful. 100% of people having affairs know the married person(s) is cheating. So your comment makes no sense. It's a minority of single people who would knowingly entertain a cheater. Now for the many (possibly the majority) of marriages impacted by infidelity, deciding what to do after discovery is not simple. I hope you never have to be in that position. Is it degrading to stay and see if a marriage can be repaired? That depends on certain factors, I'd say. I don't see that speaking in absolutes after having only a small amount of information adds any value, other than the high that I imagine the black and white thinker feels in their imagined superiority over other people who live in the real world of nuance, redemption, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my partner sneaks off to get drunk and high, I don't gl an talk to the alcohol and drugs about how they made me feel, for closure.

I can't see it as anything but being in denial that you married a person who offended your values so deeply, ao you try to push it out to the AP like the AP was some disease your partner caught.

That’s a ridiculous analogy. The booze isn’t texting your husband, nor does it have a brain or heartbeat. You would expect more from a person than a shot of jagermeister. The bottle of booze also isn’t looking you up OM social media and doing a deep dive into your friends SM and doing drive-bys.

Yeah, I don't know if I would call it ridiculous, but I'd call it very limited.

I have a friend whose husband had an affair with her best friend. She was betrayed by this friend as much as her husband. The context matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my partner sneaks off to get drunk and high, I don't gl an talk to the alcohol and drugs about how they made me feel, for closure.

I can't see it as anything but being in denial that you married a person who offended your values so deeply, ao you try to push it out to the AP like the AP was some disease your partner caught.

That’s a ridiculous analogy. The booze isn’t texting your husband, nor does it have a brain or heartbeat. You would expect more from a person than a shot of jagermeister. The bottle of booze also isn’t looking you up OM social media and doing a deep dive into your friends SM and doing drive-bys.

So wives should go find the drug dealers then, right? And they should contact the liquor store owners too. And the gambling places too.

[Anonymous]

A better analogy would be wanting to confront the co-conspirator who set fire to your home, harmed your loved one, etc. You would absolutely have strong feelings about such a person, as well as your own spouse who committed the same crime. And although some people seem to believe otherwise, you can hold both those feelings inside your complicated person at the same time. You're under no obligation to compare your feelings or rank them or reconcile them; you can deal with them separately if you like, and you can make a post asking about one aspect without it meaning anything about how you're dealing with the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

You would be giving her great satisfaction. It would show all is not well in your home or with you.

Please talk to a therapist instead.

There is no way you will not regret reaching out to her.

Stick to the high road.

My therapist recommended it. (No OP)

No she didn't

Yes she did. Not at first, after much discussion.

I’m not afraid of conflict and I don’t like to leave anything on the table so we decided together, for me, it was the right move.

+1 the reason they don’t advice it is for their own malpractice insurance/cover your @ss. If something violent comes out of it they don’t want culpability.

I did it and then told therapist. Therapist actually thought it was fantastic after the fact and saw how it provided closure, not that he would have advised it if I asked first.

insurance… lol, don’t be dopey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my partner sneaks off to get drunk and high, I don't gl an talk to the alcohol and drugs about how they made me feel, for closure.

I can't see it as anything but being in denial that you married a person who offended your values so deeply, ao you try to push it out to the AP like the AP was some disease your partner caught.

You’re married to a dunk. Get your house in order before you espouse to have any credible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my partner sneaks off to get drunk and high, I don't gl an talk to the alcohol and drugs about how they made me feel, for closure.

I can't see it as anything but being in denial that you married a person who offended your values so deeply, ao you try to push it out to the AP like the AP was some disease your partner caught.

That’s a ridiculous analogy. The booze isn’t texting your husband, nor does it have a brain or heartbeat. You would expect more from a person than a shot of jagermeister. The bottle of booze also isn’t looking you up OM social media and doing a deep dive into your friends SM and doing drive-bys.

So wives should go find the drug dealers then, right? And they should contact the liquor store owners too. And the gambling places too.

We called the cops on my sisters drug dealer and he was charged in federal court.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, is nobody here going to comment on the fact that she wants to like, stuff a camera or recorder in the certified mail she sends to the AP to watch her response?

This is a troll folks, or someone who belongs in a hospital.