I think I’m going to have to contact my husband’s affair partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

Oh dear. Sorry about your terminally low self-esteem, but sadly, your act here isn’t fooling anyone with a brain.

It always surprises me how 0W always try to exude hubris, but they really don’t even see how damaged and pathetic they are.

I’ve had a couple friends who are OWs. They act like they’re all bad and strong and in control one or just a complete effing mess.

Daddy issues are a real thing.

And obsessing, obsessing over the wife and if he’ll leave and hanging on waiting for a random text to come through. A complete roller coaster that they have a histrionic need for.

It’s a cortisol addiction and they don’t know why they do it.

Dopamine addiction.

Could be… but abused children get dumps of cortisol when they are being abused. Cortisol is a calming hormone.

People become addicted to Cortisol and when they are calm and happy, they don’t get cortisol and that makes them feel anxious. So they pick a fight or do something to cause cortisol to dump.

It’s a trauma response leftover from childhood. This was my spouse. He grew up in a volatile household with a cheating alcoholic father and some violent episodes (police called) when he was younger. Mom was fairly selfish and self-absorbed.

What I learned is that holidays are triggers because for families like that they usually were a source of fighting/drinking, etc. That kids raised this way feel out of place when everything is calm and going well—they equate love to strife and drama. They need instability. This is why they will go out and do stupid things looking for that drama.

They will often choose stable healthy life partners and the family they wished they had, but without therapy they will mess up as they have kids of their own- particularly when kids reach the age they were at height of trauma/divorce, etc.

This is a much better explanation than mine. Thanks for sharing maybe an AP will read it and realize they need help.

They often also present as ambitious perfectionist. When I met my husband when he was 25, he stressed how he’d never end up like his dad and he hated that people blamed their childhood. He was confident, honest, empathetic, dazzling, etc. I came from a very stable, healthy and loving family with no divorces on either side. Loving examples and close extended family. I severely underestimated what trauma impact it had on him- as it was repressed deeply. They learn to compartmentalize and can display empathy but do t truly feel guilt/empathy like healthy people.

I will raise my kids to really learn about family history of future spouses, in-depth before committing and know what they are getting into and if they did therapy if it wasn’t an ideal situation.

[Anonymous]

The APs are getting the most unstable, unhealthy version. It’s when a person is spiraling- usually increase in alcohol use, etc. They are getting the rock bottom version.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

You would be giving her great satisfaction. It would show all is not well in your home or with you.

Please talk to a therapist instead.

There is no way you will not regret reaching out to her.

Stick to the high road.

My therapist recommended it. (No OP)

No she didn't

[Anonymous]

Quit trolling

[Anonymous]

After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The APs are getting the most unstable, unhealthy version. It’s when a person is spiraling- usually increase in alcohol use, etc. They are getting the rock bottom version.

EXACTLY what had happened by the time of my “DH’s” 3rd affair. He had never disclosed his previous two, and by this last one was a huge out of control alcoholic mess. The level to which he had stooped by then is stunning, esp given his profile in the community and his (our) professional circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

I could have written this - actually, no - not yet. But PP - this helps me so much. I’ve been on those subreddits (is OW the one you had sneaked into?). It is MIND-BLOWING what those girls are putting themselves through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

So you "instantly" understood why your husband, a man who made promises to you and your family would participate in dysfunctional behavior because odlf " loins" as you put it. But you could nit understand why a woman who had no skin in your " marriage" would.

Do you really read what you write?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

I could have written this - actually, no - not yet. But PP - this helps me so much. I’ve been on those subreddits (is OW the one you had sneaked into?). It is MIND-BLOWING what those girls are putting themselves through.

I hope you spend that energy on figuring out why your DH is putting himself, you and your family through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you film it and put it on Youtube and share the link with us? We deserve to see it. Thanks.

Also linkedin addresses of all parties!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

You would be giving her great satisfaction. It would show all is not well in your home or with you.

Please talk to a therapist instead.

There is no way you will not regret reaching out to her.

Stick to the high road.

My therapist recommended it. (No OP)

No she didn't

Yes she did. Not at first, after much discussion.

I’m not afraid of conflict and I don’t like to leave anything on the table so we decided together, for me, it was the right move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

Had you ever considered that what you define as "success" is not what anyone else really wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

It’s not the deep boo, sometimes women also just want an easy, fun lay and your husband was out there being easy and fun. It’s not some round about way to get a husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

Lol, you sound obsessed. Spending your life trolling the internet to talk to cheaters. Is it really so hard to understand why a lonely person makes bad decisions and accepts companionship with a married person? You need to work on yourself and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After my husband's affair I had this strong need to understand why an OW would do what she did. I instantly understood my husband's motivations (mainly of the burning loins variety) but I could not understand why a single woman would enter a degrading proposition with such a small likelihood of "success" (coming out in a monogamous relationship with my husband in the end). I have good self-esteem, no history of trauma, etc., so I was not in a position to understand how a person might be handicapped in that regard. I remember reeling in the aftermath of DDay and briefly considering getting in touch with my high school boyfriend, who has always popped in every few years being vaguely flirty. He was even single at the moment. I knew it would prop up my self-esteem temporarily and falsely to have him want me while my husband was being so awful. But then I thought, no, that would be wrong . . . not so much in the disrespecting my shambles of a marriage department, but in the "I have no good long-term outcome to offer my potential AP" department. I decided not to do it out of respect for high school boyfriend and a desire not to cause harm, and because I looked down the road and knew it would only cause me more suffering in the end.

So anyway, I still couldn't figure out why a woman would do something that was obviously going to blow up her life horribly, so I started reading OW forums. I even gained access to the secret one by impersonating one. On another forum where I was openly a BW, I developed a penpal relationship with a dumped OW where we explored our feelings about our place in the triangle. This seemed like a worthwhile exercise until one day the OW, who had been all "rah rah, I hate that loser ex-MM" wrote to me that she thought he was stalking her because he had been seen in her large building's parking garage. I suggested that maybe he had a new OW that lived in her apartment complex, which she poohed poohed, but it turned out I was right. And then she tried to vent to me about how indignant she was about him having a new OW and I was like, dear God, I really have wasted moments of my life that I can't get back, haven't I, and that was the end of us being pen-pals.

Humans are interesting. We spend our time watching Reality TV and following celebrity gossip and who knows what else. It's natural to be curious about other people, none more so than someone who inserted themselves into your marriage. But there does come a point when you need to say, OK, hurt people hurt people, broken people break things; it is what it is. I don't know if OP is at that point, and neither does anyone else on that thread. All we can do is ask thoughtful questions and send her a bit of compassion.

Lol, you sound obsessed. Spending your life trolling the internet to talk to cheaters. Is it really so hard to understand why a lonely person makes bad decisions and accepts companionship with a married person? You need to work on yourself and move on.

I love it when people tuning in to read the thoughts of strangers tell them to stop wondering about the thoughts of strangers, lol.