Husband’s Announcement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

Mothers didn’t have much choice at the time.

In what decade was this?

The 1980s and 1990s for my mom. My dad was the breadwinner. There was no choice. Not that long ago. This was common.

Only if she didn't want to support herself, which yours did not, I guess. Come on. Women have been supporting themselves for decades before that.

Most women working traditional jobs like a teacher, could not support themselves. My mom was mentally ill and could not hold down a job. No women in my family worked in those decades and assume that everyone did is ridiculous.

And also you’re assuming that most women worked in the 1980s and 1990s and that’s not true. I grew up in a rural area, and only places like Washington DC had women that were working then like Matt, when I were I grew up almost no women worked unless they were teachers were married. There’s no way a woman could support herself where I lived if she was divorced. I literally did not know any moms who are working moms unless they were teachers at school and married. Most of the country had to stay at home moms in the 1980s and 1990s— not career women like now. You are assuming the rest of the country is like this area and that’s far from the case especially decades ago. Women couldn’t even have their own bank account until the 1970s so you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

Mothers didn’t have much choice at the time.

In what decade was this?

The 1980s and 1990s for my mom. My dad was the breadwinner. There was no choice. Not that long ago. This was common.

Only if she didn't want to support herself, which yours did not, I guess. Come on. Women have been supporting themselves for decades before that.

Most women working traditional jobs like a teacher, could not support themselves. My mom was mentally ill and could not hold down a job. No women in my family worked in those decades and assume that everyone did is ridiculous.

And also you’re assuming that most women worked in the 1980s and 1990s and that’s not true. I grew up in a rural area, and only places like Washington DC had women that were working then like Matt, when I were I grew up almost no women worked unless they were teachers were married. There’s no way a woman could support herself where I lived if she was divorced. I literally did not know any moms who are working moms unless they were teachers at school and married. Most of the country had to stay at home moms in the 1980s and 1990s— not career women like now. You are assuming the rest of the country is like this area and that’s far from the case especially decades ago. Women couldn’t even have their own bank account until the 1970s so you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Those are some questionable generalizations you have made. Although many women were still not working outside the home in the '80s many also were. You said there's "no way" a woman could support herself if she was divorced? My grandmother supported herself and three kids and her mother in law as a single working mother in the 1920s in a small town in Illinois. My own mother supported herself and four kids after leaving my dad because he rarely paid child support, that was in the 1960s. As far as women having a bank account, that's ridiculous, I had my own checking account in the late 1960s and my mom had had her own for many years before that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're nuts, OP.

- military spouse who has no choice of what conservative or liberal area she moves to

Who on earth calls someone "nuts" for not agreeing to a life they never signed up for? What's wrong with you PP?

Oh, please. OP's DH is talking about ONE move. She needs to grow up. Some much-needed time in flyover country would knock that arrogance right out of her.

Lol, the "arrogance" of wanting to share major decisions in a marriage. Whether you're an MRA troll or an indoctrinated spouse, enjoy this take on life. Let us know how it works out for you!

I wasn't speaking of arrogance in her marriage. I'm talking about her refusal to leave the DMV.

The fact that you think the issue is merely geography says everything about your understanding of marriage.

I know it's not about geography. OP thinks she's too good for the rest of the country. Cry me a river.

She has a job here. It's not arrogant to want to have a plan for supporting your family.

If she's as special as she thinks she is, she'll have no trouble finding another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're nuts, OP.

- military spouse who has no choice of what conservative or liberal area she moves to

Who on earth calls someone "nuts" for not agreeing to a life they never signed up for? What's wrong with you PP?

Oh, please. OP's DH is talking about ONE move. She needs to grow up. Some much-needed time in flyover country would knock that arrogance right out of her.

Lol, the "arrogance" of wanting to share major decisions in a marriage. Whether you're an MRA troll or an indoctrinated spouse, enjoy this take on life. Let us know how it works out for you!

I wasn't speaking of arrogance in her marriage. I'm talking about her refusal to leave the DMV.

The fact that you think the issue is merely geography says everything about your understanding of marriage.

I know it's not about geography. OP thinks she's too good for the rest of the country. Cry me a river.

She has a job here. It's not arrogant to want to have a plan for supporting your family.

If she's as special as she thinks she is, she'll have no trouble finding another.

Tell me you don't have a career without telling me you don't have a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

Mothers didn’t have much choice at the time.

In what decade was this?

The 1980s and 1990s for my mom. My dad was the breadwinner. There was no choice. Not that long ago. This was common.

Only if she didn't want to support herself, which yours did not, I guess. Come on. Women have been supporting themselves for decades before that.

Most women working traditional jobs like a teacher, could not support themselves. My mom was mentally ill and could not hold down a job. No women in my family worked in those decades and assume that everyone did is ridiculous.

And also you’re assuming that most women worked in the 1980s and 1990s and that’s not true. I grew up in a rural area, and only places like Washington DC had women that were working then like Matt, when I were I grew up almost no women worked unless they were teachers were married. There’s no way a woman could support herself where I lived if she was divorced. I literally did not know any moms who are working moms unless they were teachers at school and married. Most of the country had to stay at home moms in the 1980s and 1990s— not career women like now. You are assuming the rest of the country is like this area and that’s far from the case especially decades ago. Women couldn’t even have their own bank account until the 1970s so you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Those are some questionable generalizations you have made. Although many women were still not working outside the home in the '80s many also were. You said there's "no way" a woman could support herself if she was divorced? My grandmother supported herself and three kids and her mother in law as a single working mother in the 1920s in a small town in Illinois. My own mother supported herself and four kids after leaving my dad because he rarely paid child support, that was in the 1960s. As far as women having a bank account, that's ridiculous, I had my own checking account in the late 1960s and my mom had had her own for many years before that.

Key word here is *and her mother in law* AKA childcare. There were no daycare centers in the 1920s. The major shipyard cities had them during WWII but beyond that it was well into the 70s and 80s before they were widespread. When my grandparents divorced in the late 40's, my mom had to live with her grandparents for a year while the divorce got sorted out. Then her two younger sisters ended up going to live with my grandfather and his mistress/wife because there were no daycare options in small town Kansas. My mom was in school by then and my grandmother didn't want to task her elderly parents with caring for two toddlers. It was a heart wrenching decision--they ended up going to live in Texas and my grandmother remarried and moved to Oregon.There was no email, no FaceTime, and phone calls were very expensive. Women who didn't have childcare were often faced with such decisions, because there wasn't a babysitter or daycare center on every street--and even if they were, women were paid about half of what men earned and had substantially fewer job options--few of which could support a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're nuts, OP.

- military spouse who has no choice of what conservative or liberal area she moves to

Who on earth calls someone "nuts" for not agreeing to a life they never signed up for? What's wrong with you PP?

Oh, please. OP's DH is talking about ONE move. She needs to grow up. Some much-needed time in flyover country would knock that arrogance right out of her.

Lol, the "arrogance" of wanting to share major decisions in a marriage. Whether you're an MRA troll or an indoctrinated spouse, enjoy this take on life. Let us know how it works out for you!

I wasn't speaking of arrogance in her marriage. I'm talking about her refusal to leave the DMV.

The fact that you think the issue is merely geography says everything about your understanding of marriage.

I know it's not about geography. OP thinks she's too good for the rest of the country. Cry me a river.

She has a job here. It's not arrogant to want to have a plan for supporting your family.

If she's as special as she thinks she is, she'll have no trouble finding another.

NP; why these personal attacks on OP? If this is the same poster, you've called her "arrogant", "nuts", "special", etc. None of that is necessary or helpful to her problem. You may be in or believe in these marriages where the man makes all the decisions, but that is decidedly not the norm for many women in general, and most women on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're nuts, OP.

- military spouse who has no choice of what conservative or liberal area she moves to

if your hubby decided to quit and move to NYC because he likes the nightlife there without a job would you agree? This is not about a job.

I missed where OP's husband is moving for the nightlife.

He's moving for a personal reason so that he feels happier. No one else in the family feels happier and there is no job. It's just for his own personal desires just like moving to NYC for the nightlife would be. While his wellbeing is important, so is everyone else's.

The military relationship does not correlate because he is not being moved by his company. There is no financial stability with this move. He doesn't even have a job. He is not obliged to move for his job or stay with it and they don't even have an office where he wants to go. Even in the military you get to decide if you want to stay every 5 or so years and it's understood that if you leave it you don't also just get to pack up the family and move wherever for a personal interest. You move for the money or for family, or for a mutual interest. Not a one-sided one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

Mothers didn’t have much choice at the time.

In what decade was this?

The 1980s and 1990s for my mom. My dad was the breadwinner. There was no choice. Not that long ago. This was common.

Only if she didn't want to support herself, which yours did not, I guess. Come on. Women have been supporting themselves for decades before that.

Most women working traditional jobs like a teacher, could not support themselves. My mom was mentally ill and could not hold down a job. No women in my family worked in those decades and assume that everyone did is ridiculous.

And also you’re assuming that most women worked in the 1980s and 1990s and that’s not true. I grew up in a rural area, and only places like Washington DC had women that were working then like Matt, when I were I grew up almost no women worked unless they were teachers were married. There’s no way a woman could support herself where I lived if she was divorced. I literally did not know any moms who are working moms unless they were teachers at school and married. Most of the country had to stay at home moms in the 1980s and 1990s— not career women like now. You are assuming the rest of the country is like this area and that’s far from the case especially decades ago. Women couldn’t even have their own bank account until the 1970s so you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Those are some questionable generalizations you have made. Although many women were still not working outside the home in the '80s many also were. You said there's "no way" a woman could support herself if she was divorced? My grandmother supported herself and three kids and her mother in law as a single working mother in the 1920s in a small town in Illinois. My own mother supported herself and four kids after leaving my dad because he rarely paid child support, that was in the 1960s. As far as women having a bank account, that's ridiculous, I had my own checking account in the late 1960s and my mom had had her own for many years before that.

You’re mistaken women were not even allowed to have independent credit until 1976.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

Mothers didn’t have much choice at the time.

In what decade was this?

The 1980s and 1990s for my mom. My dad was the breadwinner. There was no choice. Not that long ago. This was common.

Only if she didn't want to support herself, which yours did not, I guess. Come on. Women have been supporting themselves for decades before that.

Most women working traditional jobs like a teacher, could not support themselves. My mom was mentally ill and could not hold down a job. No women in my family worked in those decades and assume that everyone did is ridiculous.

I didn't say that everyone did. I said women had been doing it for decades. Just because your mom chose not to does not mean no one could or did. My mom worked 2 jobs in the 70s and 80s and supported herself and her kids. Again- just because women in your family preferred not to work does not mean that no women did. It just means you never saw any, which is sad.
She also had a bank account in the early 60s and a mortgage from the late 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're nuts, OP.

- military spouse who has no choice of what conservative or liberal area she moves to

Who on earth calls someone "nuts" for not agreeing to a life they never signed up for? What's wrong with you PP?

Oh, please. OP's DH is talking about ONE move. She needs to grow up. Some much-needed time in flyover country would knock that arrogance right out of her.

Lol, the "arrogance" of wanting to share major decisions in a marriage. Whether you're an MRA troll or an indoctrinated spouse, enjoy this take on life. Let us know how it works out for you!

I wasn't speaking of arrogance in her marriage. I'm talking about her refusal to leave the DMV.

The fact that you think the issue is merely geography says everything about your understanding of marriage.

I know it's not about geography. OP thinks she's too good for the rest of the country. Cry me a river.

She has a job here. It's not arrogant to want to have a plan for supporting your family.

If she's as special as she thinks she is, she'll have no trouble finding another.

Tell me you don't have a career without telling me you don't have a career.

Most women have jobs not “careers.“

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're nuts, OP.

- military spouse who has no choice of what conservative or liberal area she moves to

Who on earth calls someone "nuts" for not agreeing to a life they never signed up for? What's wrong with you PP?

Oh, please. OP's DH is talking about ONE move. She needs to grow up. Some much-needed time in flyover country would knock that arrogance right out of her.

Lol, the "arrogance" of wanting to share major decisions in a marriage. Whether you're an MRA troll or an indoctrinated spouse, enjoy this take on life. Let us know how it works out for you!

I wasn't speaking of arrogance in her marriage. I'm talking about her refusal to leave the DMV.

The fact that you think the issue is merely geography says everything about your understanding of marriage.

I know it's not about geography. OP thinks she's too good for the rest of the country. Cry me a river.

She has a job here. It's not arrogant to want to have a plan for supporting your family.

If she's as special as she thinks she is, she'll have no trouble finding another.

NP. I am from a rural conservative area. My mom makes $35,000/year in her 50s selling car & life insurance, and that is one of the better jobs available there. She has had the same job for 23 years. She has a young coworker, age 28, who just quit because she’s having a baby next month and there’s no maternity leave. The young woman’s husband is an elevator repairman or something.

Just to give you a taste of the job market.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

Mothers didn’t have much choice at the time.

In what decade was this?

The 1980s and 1990s for my mom. My dad was the breadwinner. There was no choice. Not that long ago. This was common.

Only if she didn't want to support herself, which yours did not, I guess. Come on. Women have been supporting themselves for decades before that.

Most women working traditional jobs like a teacher, could not support themselves. My mom was mentally ill and could not hold down a job. No women in my family worked in those decades and assume that everyone did is ridiculous.

And also you’re assuming that most women worked in the 1980s and 1990s and that’s not true. I grew up in a rural area, and only places like Washington DC had women that were working then like Matt, when I were I grew up almost no women worked unless they were teachers were married. There’s no way a woman could support herself where I lived if she was divorced. I literally did not know any moms who are working moms unless they were teachers at school and married. Most of the country had to stay at home moms in the 1980s and 1990s— not career women like now. You are assuming the rest of the country is like this area and that’s far from the case especially decades ago. Women couldn’t even have their own bank account until the 1970s so you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Those are some questionable generalizations you have made. Although many women were still not working outside the home in the '80s many also were. You said there's "no way" a woman could support herself if she was divorced? My grandmother supported herself and three kids and her mother in law as a single working mother in the 1920s in a small town in Illinois. My own mother supported herself and four kids after leaving my dad because he rarely paid child support, that was in the 1960s. As far as women having a bank account, that's ridiculous, I had my own checking account in the late 1960s and my mom had had her own for many years before that.

I did not know any divorced working mothers in the 1980s or 1990s. Not where I lived. Upstate New York. Very few jobs. Just stop. Your experience is not universal either: my dad was the sole earner..:my mom could not decide not to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're nuts, OP.

- military spouse who has no choice of what conservative or liberal area she moves to

Who on earth calls someone "nuts" for not agreeing to a life they never signed up for? What's wrong with you PP?

Oh, please. OP's DH is talking about ONE move. She needs to grow up. Some much-needed time in flyover country would knock that arrogance right out of her.

Lol, the "arrogance" of wanting to share major decisions in a marriage. Whether you're an MRA troll or an indoctrinated spouse, enjoy this take on life. Let us know how it works out for you!

I wasn't speaking of arrogance in her marriage. I'm talking about her refusal to leave the DMV.

The fact that you think the issue is merely geography says everything about your understanding of marriage.

I know it's not about geography. OP thinks she's too good for the rest of the country. Cry me a river.

She has a job here. It's not arrogant to want to have a plan for supporting your family.

If she's as special as she thinks she is, she'll have no trouble finding another.

Tell me you don't have a career without telling me you don't have a career.

Most women have jobs not “careers.“

But OP does. And you want to see her knocked down a peg to get closer to where you are.

[Anonymous]

OP sorry you are going through this. I haven't read most of the thread, but is your husband open to marriage counseling or individual counseling? To me, it sounds like a mental issue - maybe a mid-life crisis or depression. I mean you have kids- how can you just up and move with no jobs, plan or community where you're going?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?