Does your DH watch pornography?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty sure that my DH’s secret habit is what led him to pull away from our marriage and become verbally and emotionally abusive and very, very angry. Before he stopped touching me altogether he started asking for very specific things and getting pouty when I set boundaries, just as others described.

I wish I had found a way to look at his phone or computer before he left to see what was really going on. I’ll never know for sure. My fear now is that he is using it while he has custody of my kids. It disgusts and repulses me in a way that is far worse than when it was under my own roof, but I can’t articulate why.

Redpill forums on the Internet have harmed men and marriages way more than porn ever will. I also, obviously, have no way of knowing; but your husband's change looks a lot to me like he was following "redpill" advice from Internet strangers: push boundaries, act dominant, do a 180, make her chase you; women say they want a partner, but really they want a leader, etc.

PP you’re responding to and I was trying to not be explicit but what my DH was doing was requesting or trying specific sex acts without consent and moving and manipulating my body in ways that he has never done before which seemed very obviously cribbed from somewhere. Then the angry behavior followed when I wouldn’t go along with it.

"very obviously cribbed from somewhere" - exactly describes the affect porn had on my partner - our sex, which I once thought was good, became bad for me because it was clear that I had become a doll manipulated for a scenario in someone else's head. Porn wrecked what had been authentic good sex for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If men know their partner is uncomfortable with it, why do they continue? Do they not care about their partner?

Get a grip. I don't want my DH monitoring what I watch, read, etc. If it is not causing problems, what do you care?

Do you feel the same about an AP? If it's not causing you problems, why do you care? Do you have such low standards for yourself and your spouse that you believe nothing they do affects you?

If it's not causing a problem, what's the problem?

[Anonymous]

The problem with saying porn is the cause of all marital problems is that it exists within a bigger context of messages/images/narratives that impact on what "gets us off." The way that sex was portrayed in 1980s soap operas had a huge impact on Gen X. (There was a time with everyone was watching daytime soap operas. Google it. It's kinda funny.) Sure, boys also had Farah Fawcett posters with her nipples and all that hanging on bedroom walls, and plenty of kids got hold of their parents' Playboy or Hustler or whatever magazines and shared those with others at school. But it wasn't just the porn that caused us to believe that certain female attributes were attractive. And it's still like this today. Just because porn offers images of what's sexy to people, that doesn't negate the fact that we are also influenced by Cardi B or Karol G or whatever other "hot" musicians are popular as well as what's on the movie screens and mainstream streaming.

[Anonymous]

There was a scene in the show Vida where a teen girl has a crush on a peer male teen. She stays after a group meeting and they're alone, and within minutes of beginning to kiss her, he gets her to perform a BJ on him and then films it without informing her or getting her consent. That sort of thing does as much to shape expectations among people of all ages (but especially teens) as watching porn does.

[Anonymous]

Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones. I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.

Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones. I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.

Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release.

Yikes. No wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you. Maybe if you put more emphasis on your wife enjoying herself instead of watching porn you'd have better results. This is a bizarre self burn.

[Anonymous]

I have asked what she enjoys or wants, and receive little feedback. Would love to watch her or help her enjoy herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones. I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.

Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release.

Never had an O in her life or with you? Did she have partners before you? Does she masturbate? Was she raised in a super religious home/purity culture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones. I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.

Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release.

Thank you for pointing out another systemic issue. Porn has fried your brain so much that you have no idea how to please a REAL LIFE person. “Oh if I just keep jack hammering her cervix she’ll c*m in no time”. No sir, it does not work like that. Maybe stop watching porn and start watching your wife. Learn HER body and learn how to please HER. I bet you’d both be happier.

Do you honestly think your wife has no interest in sex? When you’d rather give your attention to “characters” in a movie? Like I don’t understand why men don’t see this. If sex was actually enjoyable for her, with a partner that put her wants and desires first, you would not be having this conversation. But no, you’d rather leave your wife unsatisfied and restless and go jerk it to other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones. I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.

Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release.

Yes, it’s interfering and yes she knows.

I feel so bad for these women whose husband are literally choosing porn over them. I wouldn’t want to have sex with you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones. I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.

Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release.

Thank you for pointing out another systemic issue. Porn has fried your brain so much that you have no idea how to please a REAL LIFE person. “Oh if I just keep jack hammering her cervix she’ll c*m in no time”. No sir, it does not work like that. Maybe stop watching porn and start watching your wife. Learn HER body and learn how to please HER. I bet you’d both be happier.

Do you honestly think your wife has no interest in sex? When you’d rather give your attention to “characters” in a movie? Like I don’t understand why men don’t see this. If sex was actually enjoyable for her, with a partner that put her wants and desires first, you would not be having this conversation. But no, you’d rather leave your wife unsatisfied and restless and go jerk it to other women.

Before people pile on to this guy, we should let him clarify if his wife has never had an O in general or just not with him. Because if she can't have one by herself it's asking a lot for him to give her one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones. I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.

Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release.

Thank you for pointing out another systemic issue. Porn has fried your brain so much that you have no idea how to please a REAL LIFE person. “Oh if I just keep jack hammering her cervix she’ll c*m in no time”. No sir, it does not work like that. Maybe stop watching porn and start watching your wife. Learn HER body and learn how to please HER. I bet you’d both be happier.

Do you honestly think your wife has no interest in sex? When you’d rather give your attention to “characters” in a movie? Like I don’t understand why men don’t see this. If sex was actually enjoyable for her, with a partner that put her wants and desires first, you would not be having this conversation. But no, you’d rather leave your wife unsatisfied and restless and go jerk it to other women.

Before people pile on to this guy, we should let him clarify if his wife has never had an O in general or just not with him. Because if she can't have one by herself it's asking a lot for him to give her one.

Either way porn is not going to help him learn HER body better. Put his focus into that. Put his focus onto her. Fake orgasms from fake actors is not going to benefit their sex life together. For him, sure it’s fine. But if he actually wants more sex with his WIFE that’s not gonna work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If men know their partner is uncomfortable with it, why do they continue? Do they not care about their partner?

Get a grip. I don't want my DH monitoring what I watch, read, etc. If it is not causing problems, what do you care?

It is causing problems, like for the OP. Why so hostile?

There's a reasonableness test. It shouldn't cause problems for a reasonable person. The OP is lashing out at a symptom rather than the cause.

The cause is her husband disrespecting her. What is the cure for that?

No more than a lack of respect by the wife for the husband.

Where does that come in? Has OP mentioned she's disrespectful to her husband?

Of course not. According to OP, she is perfect, has done nothing wrong, and her DH is solely responsible for the problem.

There’s a clue in there that OP is not noticing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones. I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.

Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release.

Ooof. Not much you can do with a starfish. And the fact that she doesn’t care is the real problem. Sex simply is not, and will never be, important to her. The future is bleak, and you will have choices to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones. I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.



Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release.

Ooof. Not much you can do with a starfish. And the fact that she doesn’t care is the real problem. Sex simply is not, and will never be, important to her. The future is bleak, and you will have choices to make.

How do I distinguish between normal factors middle aged couples with kids that can possibly be addressed versus a fundamental mismatch that cannot be overcome. In others words, should I concede and consider other options? Do I even bother keeping trying? For example, by sexy lingerie?

Is there. a way subtly, or not so subtly, of testing her?

1.
Low libido
pre menopause
Busy with kids and work
Agrees being intimate is important
Old fashioned


Vs.

2.
Biological challenges with feeling pleasure (claims parts don’t work that way)
Asexual tendencies
Secretly want to try some kink or alternative relationship, but too ashamed to share
Other factors