DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Chances are, the OP and his wife are both going to outlive the OP’s mother. If the OP gets a divorce for his mother’s sake, he probably won’t have very long with his mother, and when she dies, the OP won’t have his wife or his mother.

But it's a win for OP's wife. Most often, women outlive men, so she'd have to take care of his mom and then him. If she got sick first, there's a good chance he'd desert her, as men often do. So, if he chooses his mom, he frees his wife of two caregiving jobs. Win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

100% and I wonder why more women don't end their marriages to take care of their parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

100% and I wonder why more women don't end their marriages to take care of their parents?

Maybe they love their husbands more than their parents. There’s nothing wrong with that, even if it’s unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

100% and I wonder why more women don't end their marriages to take care of their parents?

Women don't have to divorce to take care of their parents, because the husbands don't mind. Husbands are not the ones putting in the work. The whole point of divorce in case a husband moves in his mom is to escape from the MIL caretaking, which is going to happen if she's moved in, whether you like it or not, or even if it was promised it'll not happen. In fact if wife is a caretaker, the husband is eagerly awaiting his turn! He's happy if his wife first takes care of everyone's parents (both her own and his) and then takes care of him! It's a wonderful life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Chances are, the OP and his wife are both going to outlive the OP’s mother. If the OP gets a divorce for his mother’s sake, he probably won’t have very long with his mother, and when she dies, the OP won’t have his wife or his mother.

But it's a win for OP's wife. Most often, women outlive men, so she'd have to take care of his mom and then him. If she got sick first, there's a good chance he'd desert her, as men often do. So, if he chooses his mom, he frees his wife of two caregiving jobs. Win.

If anything, wives are more likely to desert their husbands than vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - my DH thinks the same as you. He knows I don’t want her to move in, and that I don’t like his mother. He wouldn’t want my mother to move in and finds her annoying.

But I understand we have to do something. I looked into assisted living and it looks like it’s around 10k a month. I think she should live on her own as long as possible, then we move her to apt near us when we have to, then in with us if necessary with the help of an aide, then a facility. I’m trying to minimize the financial damage - we have kids that those resources should go to.

As much as I resent her for this and more, I realize we have to have some plan. I also refuse to spend the next 10 years walking her to bathroom, giving her baths, ect…

NP. This is our situation as well and this is our plan. I was thinking the apartment with an aide as long as possible before moving her in. If MIL moves in though, I would end up spending most of my time elsewhere, like work, gym, travel. I won’t have much of a marriage anymore. So, maybe it’s better to let her money go towards her own care and not to my kids. Her daily presence could ultimately ruin our marriage and the thing is, I know if my mother moved in, DH would feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What were your mother’s plans for elder/long term care?

Not OP. My 85 year old MiL has been retired for 20 years and has no plan. Her plan is for us to figure it out for her, and this is what I resent the most. She spends her days reading romance novels and watching junk TV surrounded by her mounds of newspaper clippings and junk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

And it's highly likely! Your adult children are not trained nurses and don't know what to do with you if you're ill and require a lot of caretaking. In old times eldercare at home was possible, because people were not on 100 medications and rarely lived past becoming unable to care for themselves. Sure, somebody might have been bedridden for a week or so with an illness, like we all can, but not for years! Just hypertension treatment (considered fatal 50 years ago) helps people to live much longer, without it, most would pass away within a month!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

And it's highly likely! Your adult children are not trained nurses and don't know what to do with you if you're ill and require a lot of caretaking. In old times eldercare at home was possible, because people were not on 100 medications and rarely lived past becoming unable to care for themselves. Sure, somebody might have been bedridden for a week or so with an illness, like we all can, but not for years! Just hypertension treatment (considered fatal 50 years ago) helps people to live much longer, without it, most would pass away within a month!

This x100000 I am so frustrated that there isn’t a path to avoid all of this. I do not want to live past 80 up until when 90, 100 with no quality of life. Existing solely to feed the medical and elder care industry while I lay around watching everything I enjoyed and worked for drain away is not my idea of living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

DP, but I promise to make sure I'm dead before that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

And it's highly likely! Your adult children are not trained nurses and don't know what to do with you if you're ill and require a lot of caretaking. In old times eldercare at home was possible, because people were not on 100 medications and rarely lived past becoming unable to care for themselves. Sure, somebody might have been bedridden for a week or so with an illness, like we all can, but not for years! Just hypertension treatment (considered fatal 50 years ago) helps people to live much longer, without it, most would pass away within a month!

This x100000 I am so frustrated that there isn’t a path to avoid all of this. I do not want to live past 80 up until when 90, 100 with no quality of life. Existing solely to feed the medical and elder care industry while I lay around watching everything I enjoyed and worked for drain away is not my idea of living.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the plan for aging parents discussed before marriage? At all early on?

What does your mother moving in look like? Who will provide care and help primarily? Is there space to separate your lives eg. an in-laws suite, or will she be in the bedroom next door to you? How will down bed be managed? What is the long term plan for all
Of those things?

Do you and your wife both work outside the home? Do you work at home? Are there young children involved? What’s your house set up like? Why can’t your mother not live along any more?

You’re basically proving no information to make any useful replies on this.

That first question cracks me up. I was 23 when I married and, no, we did not discuss elder care for any of our parents. We're now in our sixties and caring for our two moms and my stepmom, 95, 91 and 87. None of them live with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

You had kids to wipe your butt when you got old?

I didn't have kids. Made plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eldercare in our country sucks. We don't have joint family system and cheap hired help like eastern cultures nir do we've efficient and free assisted living like Scandinavian countries.

Yup. Shithole country!