Really dumb, naive question about affairs and why people hide them

[Anonymous]

I get why people have affairs for the most part. But the hiding them is less clear to me. I guess I just figure if my husband, well, doesn't respect or love me enough not to cheat, why bother hiding it? Why not just leave? Or since we really can't afford to sell the house, just walk up and slap me in the face and say, "hey, I'm sleeping with someone else. What are you gonna do since I know you don't want to split custody and see the kids less and I know you don't want to sell our house."

Is it the excitement of keeping a secret? The just wanting it both ways (the security of marriage and the excitement of sex with someone else?).

I realize it is different for most people, I guess I just would like people who have BTDT to share. FWIW I did suspect my husband may be cheating, though now I am less concerned (I don't think he is/did. Instead I think he is depressed and he has finally started counseling and finally, for the love of god, started opening up to me about some reasons why, which are so clear to me after listening to him. And frankly, logistically, I don't see how he would have pulled it off. All of his times apart from me checked out and it wouldn't have taken a network of friends and colleagues working with him to deceive me which is a little far-fetched. So don't think I am naive enough to think my marriage is affair-proof. It is not. Just that I went down this road and came to a different conclusion).

But honestly, when I was going through my paranoia I did think, why hide it?

[Anonymous]

I would guess it's because they know it is wrong, so they keep it a secret. They don't want the spouse, kids, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. to think badly of them. I think it really is that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would guess it's because they know it is wrong, so they keep it a secret. They don't want the spouse, kids, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. to think badly of them. I think it really is that simple.

That's a good point. We come from really tight families and everyone is pretty close. I can't imagine either of us having to go through the hell of telling our parents, each other's parents, siblings, etc. what we did. It just seems like such an epic fail.

I also wonder if there are people out there who act more on impulse. I can't relate to that because I'm such a consequences person/planner etc. I rarely act on my impulses...I have to go through an anguishing series of mental exercises to simply buy a handbag or an item of clothing. I'm just not impulsive.

[Anonymous]

I definitely think it's a situation where the cheater doesn't want people to know they're a cheater. Really effed up when sometimes they care more about other's opinion of them vs. their spouse's feeling.

The one thing I don't get is why the other person lies for their affair partner when/if confronted. You would think if they wanted the cheater, they would confess to everything. I still don't get this one.

[Anonymous]

The secrecy prevents you from gaining the moral upper hand.

[Anonymous]

I hid mine because I didn't want to lose my husband.

[Anonymous]

PP You didn't want to lose your husband but you had an affair. Have you ever heard the phrase "playing with fire"? If you don't want to lose you your husband, keep your pants zipped. Cheating is a cowardly act. Have the guts to leave your marriage or have enough respect for your spouse to remain faithful.

[Anonymous]

I want it both ways. I want the stable, two married parents picture for the kids, and I sure don't want my spouse to take half the money I've worked so hard for the past 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP You didn't want to lose your husband but you had an affair. Have you ever heard the phrase "playing with fire"? If you don't want to lose you your husband, keep your pants zipped. Cheating is a cowardly act. Have the guts to leave your marriage or have enough respect for your spouse to remain faithful.

That's so easy to write, seems so black and white. It's not that simple. I don't want to give up sex with my lover, but don't want to be married to him. I'm happy for my kids to live with their father full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get why people have affairs for the most part. But the hiding them is less clear to me. I guess I just figure if my husband, well, doesn't respect or love me enough not to cheat, why bother hiding it? Why not just leave? Or since we really can't afford to sell the house, just walk up and slap me in the face and say, "hey, I'm sleeping with someone else. What are you gonna do since I know you don't want to split custody and see the kids less and I know you don't want to sell our house."

Is it the excitement of keeping a secret? The just wanting it both ways (the security of marriage and the excitement of sex with someone else?).

I think for many it's the excitement of having a sexy secret and the wanting it both ways.

Your question isn't dumb or naive. Some people (like you) don't see the point of affairs and would just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want it both ways. I want the stable, two married parents picture for the kids, and I sure don't want my spouse to take half the money I've worked so hard for the past 20 years.

THIS. Plus the hassle of dealing with all the issues when you get caught is soooooo not worth it. Just hide it get great sex and then move on.

[Anonymous]

That's so easy to write, seems so black and white. It's not that simple. I don't want to give up sex with my lover, but don't want to be married to him. I'm happy for my kids to live with their father full time.

It is that simple. You are a narcissist. If you really cared about your kids's happiness your wouldn't have an affair. This is all about you and what you want. You need to grow up and think about the potential consequences of your actions. Spend a little time fixing your marriage if your really care bout your kids. But in reality, it is all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get why people have affairs for the most part. But the hiding them is less clear to me. I guess I just figure if my husband, well, doesn't respect or love me enough not to cheat, why bother hiding it? Why not just leave? Or since we really can't afford to sell the house, just walk up and slap me in the face and say, "hey, I'm sleeping with someone else. What are you gonna do since I know you don't want to split custody and see the kids less and I know you don't want to sell our house."

Is it the excitement of keeping a secret? The just wanting it both ways (the security of marriage and the excitement of sex with someone else?).

I think for many it's the excitement of having a sexy secret and the wanting it both ways.

Your question isn't dumb or naive. Some people (like you) don't see the point of affairs and would just leave.

I think it may have to do with your view of marriage. I don't view marriage as the true union of soulmates or any other emotion filled description. It's a business arrangement for raising kids and accumulating assets, for the most part. I didn't marry either of the men I was most in love with - bad timing and bad longtime match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That's so easy to write, seems so black and white. It's not that simple. I don't want to give up sex with my lover, but don't want to be married to him. I'm happy for my kids to live with their father full time.

It is that simple. You are a narcissist. If you really cared about your kids's happiness your wouldn't have an affair. This is all about you and what you want. You need to grow up and think about the potential consequences of your actions. Spend a little time fixing your marriage if your really care bout your kids. But in reality, it is all about you.

No, if it were all about me, I'd do what the dad down the street did 2 years ago. Found a much younger woman, left his SAH wife and three kids and started divorce proceedings. Is it really better that the mom and dad in that shattered marriage each have new partners and the kids' lives are torn in two?

[Anonymous]

I think some people also don't want to be alone. Leaving their spouse for the lover is risky - it exposes them to the possibility of not having a partner, of having the stigma of being alone, of having nobody want them. (I'm never-married at 39. believe me, there is a stigma, like being the last kid picked for kickball.) With a spouse and a lover, they get the thrill of new love/lust without the scary-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach feeling of the possibility of being left with nothing. I'm more the type to leave when a relationship is making me unhappy; I'm not someone who overlaps.