MIL problem (AGAIN!).... re. nursing home/decision making...
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Anonymous
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So, my MIL decided she REALLY wants to go live "with the nuns" 5 hours away from here. My husband is her only child and besides him, she has a sister who lives in CA and one who live in Florence/IT. She is 90, is slowing losing her mind but does have moments of clarity ... it is more like she is sane and has moments of insanity/delirium/conspiracy theories.
She has been living in her assisted living community for the past 8 weeks and has always complained (but she is a complainer by nature, so, nothing new there). She also started lying to us and friends over the phone - told friends of her that she "rarely see us" (!), that the place is dirty, and that they don't like her... Her son visits her every other day (sometimes everyday, even if briefly) on weekdays and we all visit her every day on weekends... she lives only 2 miles away from us (actually, less than 2 miles). She loves seeing her granddaughter (my toddler) and giving her chocolate and showing her off in the community. She also lies to us, saying they charge her for everything (we know it is not true because we are the ones paying the bills) - today at the halloween party she told us to not eat the food because it would cost $100.00 (!!). Anyway, after the Halloween party, she asked my husband to play her voicemail and we heard this friend of hers (he is around 60 and also from IT) message in Italian saying he got in touch with the Vincentian (sp?) home and they have availability to her and that they will get in touch with her... So, she has decided to move back to her city, which is 5 hours away and has asked the help of this friend. My husband called him and told him he was very disappointed he acted this away in his back, and that he should have at least told him his mother asked for this. My husband is distressed because he feels his mother is "abandoning him" (!!!!) and honestly, I think he doesn't like the thought of his mother dying alone.... I am sure this friend will visit her at least once a week, and maybe her other (2, maybe 3) friends will visit once very two months or so.... but we won't be able to. We don't have the time or resources to travel 5 hours and stay in a hotel with the frequency this kind of situation would require... She has asked again to live with us but we REALLY don't have the space, nor the resources to take care of her - she has severe remauthoids arthrists, is wheelchair bound, severe hearing loss, cataracts in both eyes, incontinence, needs help getting in/out of bed, bathing and dressing. She only doesn't need help eating (so far). |
Anonymous
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I can understand that probably you're thinking about to the time you'll get a panicked phone call from five hours away asking for help or complaining that she's all alone, and you won't be able to do much.
But honestly, this seems to be her decision. It's her second choice. Talk it through with her. Ask he what she will get in that home that she doesn't currently get. In other words, treat her like an adult, listing out all the pros and cons. Include the distance as a con. If she sees everything spelled out right there and still wants to go, well then, she's thought it through. |
Anonymous
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Have you spoken with her frankly and directly about the consequences of her decision? "We will miss you, Mama, because we will not be able to see you when you are living so far away." "What can we do to make this space more comfortable for you?" "Can you give this a little more time? We'll help you move this summer if you are still interested in this other option." Can you connect her to a religious community that is local? My mother thrills by making dramatic decisions. Only by remaining very calm and acknowledging the consequences am I able to convince her to back down from really self-destructive decisions. Offering alternatives to a particularly ruinous financial decision in a way that allowed her to save face helped her back down from one of her famed solutions. Small, loving reality checks are in order. |
Anonymous
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I totally feel for you. My FIL had a massive stroke and was in a rehab facility while he was in recovery. Like your MIL, he seemed mostly sane with some occasional dementia. He would also state things that weren't true. I don't want to call it lying because that implies he knew it wasn't the truth. He actually believed what he said - like the rehab staff were cruel to him and told him they understood why we would leave him in a place like that. He also didn't realize how often we visited him (almost every day) and the frequency that he had visitors. He was there for almost 3 months and then we brought him back to his house (less than 2 miles from us). He is wheelchair bound and can't use the toilet. My DH works from home so he would just take his laptop to his dad's and work there during the day and an overnight nurse would come for the overnight and weekends. It didn't work. Long story short, it was almost the end of our marriage. After being home for almost 3 months, he went to a nursing home. As hard as it is for DH and as expensive as it is, it was the best decision for all of us. We can't provide the level of care that my FIL needs.
As far as your MIL moving 5 hours away, I gently suggest that you consult with her doctor or a social worker. She might not be as sane as you think. But, unless an outside observer can determine that, she is allowed to make her own decisions. I agree with the PP that you need to lay everything out for her and if she still decides to move that far away, you need to let go of any guilt. Easier said than done, I know. |
Anonymous
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She has demetia and such a person should not be allowed to take decisions alone.
I remember your last thread and still think you're heartless and inconsiderate. Good job to DH for calling the friend and telling how he feels and you should support your DH and help him overcome his feelings. It's not easy. I don't know what happened to your mom but it's scary to think you'd act the same way if it was your mom instead of MIL. |
Anonymous
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No, no, no, no, no. Do not listen to these people (except 9:57). Your MIL is losing her mind. She's 90 years old, for goodness sake! This is like listening to your 5 year old's tall tales and letting him decide he should go live with the fairies in the woods.
Talk to the medical staff at her nursing facility and have an evaluation done. She should by NO means be allowed to move 5 hours away. And 8 weeks isn't even time enough for her to figure out where the rec room is. When we put my grandmother in a facility, she called every night -- sometimes at 3 a.m. -- to report abuse and theft and say they were starving her. None of it true. You have to be strong. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I'm assuming your MIL is Italian? If so, speaking as one myself - and an only child as well, I cannot imagine allowing my mother to move 5 hours away. My father had dementia brought on by Parkinson's. Mom cared for him until the end - at home. So we saw on a daily basis how dementia affects a person. Your MIL cannot make decisions on her own. If she's in a place that you and your husband trust, then keep her there. Whether she's 5 hours away or 5 minutes away, she'll complain about the same issues. So keep her close by. |
Anonymous
This. Absolutely this. Stay strong, OP, work closely with the nursing home staff, and, for your own good, reach out to your support network to help you deal with this situation. I remember reading your previous post and feeling lots of empathy for you because, sorry to say, I knew where this was heading. Important to remember to be careful to take good care of yourself - eat healthily, exercise, get enough rest - so that the stress from this situation doesn't wear you down too much. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Thanks everyone (OP here). It is hard for me to talk to her because she does not understand me well - my accent/her hearing problem, and I don't understand her well because she insists in talking with me in Italian. I remind her I do not speak Italian, she apologizes (in English) and moves on to keep talking in Italian...so I just nod and smile.
Besides, in all honesty, I think that is the kind of discussion that my husband must have with her.... Today he went there again and explained to her that we won't be able to visit her often at all because of the distance and costs, but she replied that she is ok with it "we all must make sacrifices." I am in a conundrum here... at the same time I think this is a TERRIBLE decision because in fact she will "die alone" away from her family, her reasons to move are valid one, or at least I recognize they are valid for her. She has deep religious feelings and thinks that by moving to a place run by nuns/catholic church, she will be closer to God. She told my husband today she doesn't thing this place where she is right now doesn't "meet her spiritual needs" (some like that)... they do have a mass/communion once a week, but apparently that is not enough. I think she is misguided in thinking it will be better at the Vincentian home regarding this aspect, even because I doubt the nuns are the ones taking care of the residents hand on... they are only running the place. But, in the other hand, it is likely most residents will be catholic like her, and also probably there will be a lot of Italians around due to the community immigration background. She has lived alone for the past 30 years with very few friends and although we have been asking her to move to our area, she never wanted to... so I think she is kind of used to be alone, and that is why for her it is an easy decision. At the same time, she has difficulties talking on the phone (so, even phone contact will be hard), she is really losing her mind slowly so I am not sure how this move will work out. I barely slept last night worried about the whole thing and I already told my husband to talk with her doctor to assess her mental state officially and maybe look to take her guardianship... but then, I am sure she would look for a lawyer and at her age, is it worth? I mean, how this kind of thing play out in courts? Again, we don't have the resources for a long battle in court and also dont' want her to end up destitute because of that without the mean to provide for herself. And talking about money/being taken advantage of.... I am a little bit worried about this "friend" of hers... Call it gut feeling or whatever, but the way he is involving himself in this whole situation, really enabling her antics is very strange to me. I mean, he KNOWS she is not completely sane because he heard some of her delusions, and at the same time, he believes her when she says the place is dirty, she is alone and not being taken care of... he believes of pretends to believe. We had some relatives come to visit her last weekend (her nephew and his wife and son) and they had the opportunity to see the place first hand and how she is being taken care of, and they were really well impressed.... and like us, they went there during odd times, without calling in advance, so, it is not like the employers there make some kind of theater to show to families. We have been there at the most odd hours and we never had a problem. This friend, has never been here to visit her, and yet, call us to say things like "X, I just talked to your mother and she said you haven't been there this week and she is very lonely... so if you could go there I would appreciate (!!!)" that when we had gone there the past 3 days in a row, including the day he called. The other day he called my MIL while my husband was there and after talking to her he talked to my husband and said: "Oh, I am really glad you are there visiting your mother" (!!!) WTF! And he had the face to thank us for taking care of her (!) - REALLY?! He is also an only child and his mother is also 90, but lives in Italy. Apparently she is in much better health condition than my MIL, but she had some sort of stroke a couple of weeks ago - why doesn't he get in a plane and go stay with his mother/take care of her and live us alone?! Anyways... I am getting off the topic, but honestly, I just need to vent too. |
Anonymous
| *leave and sorry for all the typos/grammar mistakes, etc. |
Anonymous
| Also, for people telling me to "keep her close," and "don't let her move away..." How exactly am I supposed to do this? If she hadn't this "friend" sure enough... we could just refuse to drive her there/set up the administrative thing with the Vincentian home... but with this nosey buddy inserting himself into her life and enabling her, he may pretty well just come her to pick her up and drive her himself. What authority do we have to say "no" and not let her go? Really, none! |
Anonymous
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You are right to be concerned about the motive of the friend. They are definitely inserting themself into the situation and trying to influence the decision. I think your husband needs to be very firm and say this is not going to work. She is suffering from dementia which doesn't help, she's obviously lying to her friend and is getting paranoid. All three of those are very common behaviors for someone of her age. My grandmother recently died and she was 94 and her paranoia and lying became gigantic issues the last 4-5 years. My grandmother also had a friend who really fed her paranoia and believed everything my grandmother said.
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Anonymous
| You need to look into getting a power of attorney (both financial and medical), if MIL is in fact becoming unable to manage her affairs. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
| OP - all of this is very common with elders who have dementia/Alzheimers/etc. Elders in assisted living - even if it is a great facility - often want to move home, or complain etc. Paranoia is common. Talk to people at the facility re: these issues. Also see if you can talk to an eldercare social worker who can advise you about how to move forward. If your MIL has a dementia diagnosis, you DH should be able to get POA. |