Speechless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sad to be hearing these wise, old embittered moms of college aged kids who think they've BTDT giving this poor woman a beatdown for understandably having a mini-panic attack when her child is assaulted by mean little bitches in her own home.

Yeah, I can understand where she was coming from. No one likes to see this happen to their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, it is not an issue of mom overreacting or not. It is an issue of the fact that the daughter was not very involved in addressing the situation with the friends. By 7th grade, mom should be working with the daughter to get the daughter to address the issue with the friends herself. Then mom can follow up with their parents, and can stand with the daughter for support while she addresses it with her friends if her daughter would like. Having the daughter sit there and mumble a few words while mom confronts the friends is not going to help her long term AT ALL.

And yes, that is what the mom did. She helped her DD the next day have a very tough conversation. She showed her that confrontation is part of life and its ok to do it and the world won't fall apart.

Just because her DD didnt go on and on doesn't mean it wasn't useful or helpful. After all this is likely the first time she has ever has to something like this so of course she is stumble and mumble through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It WAS handled with a conversation!!

Right, but by age 12, the conversation should have started between the girl who was mistreated and her friends, NOT her mom and her friends. The mom could have appropriately followed up with the other parents at drop off/pick up, or stepped in if the friends were not apologetic to her daughter.

LOL ! Because 12 yrs old naturally are great with confrontation with their peers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Raise your hand is: your beds sheets were short-sheeted at camp, or someone put your hand in warm water to make you pee in your sleep, or put lipstick on your face, or your bra up the camp flag pole, or you were on the other end of this and you, yourself, short sheeted someone's bed or put their hand in warm water. Its not necessarily right and it can hurt feelings buts pretty much standard tween fare. Its certainly not sociopathy. That would be torturing animals. Huge difference.

Nope, never did that, never had it happen to me. I think there's a problem in assuming it's "standard." And, as someone else has pointed out, what is disturbing about this is not that it was a prank but that OP's daughter was completely taken by surprise in her own home by friends whom she had until then apparently trusted. Maybe the kids had a different context for pranks and they were used to having them played on them as well as playing them on others and so it didn't seem vicious to them. That doesn't mean it's okay to do this to someone who has a different set of values from you.

That's right. You take your victim as you find them.

[Anonymous]

Something that doesn't sit right with me is that these girls piled on globs of sticky, gooey stuff all over the victim's face. I hope they weren't trying to stage something by making it look as though another substance was all over her face and hair.

[Anonymous]

The reason there is so much disagreement as to OP's reaction is because we have no context for the event.

There are several possibilities. It could truly have been intended as a prank, with the girls having no mean intent and maybe even doing it in a spirit of fondness for OP's daughter. In fact, when I was a kid, it was desirable to be the subject of a prank at a sleepover, because we pranked the "popular" kid, so it is possible they really like OP's daughter and were trying to make her laugh. If that is that circumstance, some people would have laughed it off, some would have been mildly annoyed, and others would feel horribly hurt. The girls may have misjudged how OP's daughter would react, and took it too far. If they are generally nice girls and felt bad when they realized that OP's daughter was really upset, then it is no big deal. They now know that OP's daughter is on the sensitive side and have also learned a valuable lesson that this kind of thing isn't really all that funny.

On the other hand, if they were doing it with malicious intent, then that is a whole different matter. But that also has to be handled, as others have suggested, by OP's daughter (at least in the first instance).

But not all teasing/pranks/hazing is malicious. It can be a form of bonding, it can be a way to have fun and have a battle of wits, and it can be totally harmless. It's our job as parents to teach our kids first and foremost that there is a hard or "objective" line that must not be crossed. Anything dangerous, permanently destructive of property, or intended to shame/humiliate/ostracize is clearly not ok. Beyond that, there IS some gray area and to pretend that there isn't ignores all reality. Kid have to learn to make good decisions based on an understanding of the personalities involved and the underlying spirit and intent of their actions. For example, when I was in college my roommate and I had a series of ongoing pranks with some other kids in our dorm. It was fun and was really a contest of who could be the most clever. It was not mean spirited and we had fun razzing each other. We looked forward to being pranked with almost as much anticipation as we looked forward to pranking others. Similarly, the "hazing" in my Greek house was totally silly and I never felt in danger or humiliated. I remember being led around the house in a blindfold and being told to kneel in "broken glass" (crushed potato chips) and recite the house pledge backwards. No one actually thought we were in any kind of danger.

We all know those adults who say mean things and then try to pass it off as a joke. Not ok. But many of us also have relationships with friends where we can tease and we know it is ok. It's a matter of having emotional intelligence and learning how to read a situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something that doesn't sit right with me is that these girls piled on globs of sticky, gooey stuff all over the victim's face. I hope they weren't trying to stage something by making it look as though another substance was all over her face and hair.

Ok, wow. LOL. I am on OP's side but this is just twisted to even think this is what these girls were doing. Stay away from the pr0n sites, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason there is so much disagreement as to OP's reaction is because we have no context for the event.

There are several possibilities. It could truly have been intended as a prank, with the girls having no mean intent and maybe even doing it in a spirit of fondness for OP's daughter. In fact, when I was a kid, it was desirable to be the subject of a prank at a sleepover, because we pranked the "popular" kid, so it is possible they really like OP's daughter and were trying to make her laugh. If that is that circumstance, some people would have laughed it off, some would have been mildly annoyed, and others would feel horribly hurt. The girls may have misjudged how OP's daughter would react, and took it too far. If they are generally nice girls and felt bad when they realized that OP's daughter was really upset, then it is no big deal. They now know that OP's daughter is on the sensitive side and have also learned a valuable lesson that this kind of thing isn't really all that funny.

On the other hand, if they were doing it with malicious intent, then that is a whole different matter. But that also has to be handled, as others have suggested, by OP's daughter (at least in the first instance).

But not all teasing/pranks/hazing is malicious. It can be a form of bonding, it can be a way to have fun and have a battle of wits, and it can be totally harmless. It's our job as parents to teach our kids first and foremost that there is a hard or "objective" line that must not be crossed. Anything dangerous, permanently destructive of property, or intended to shame/humiliate/ostracize is clearly not ok. Beyond that, there IS some gray area and to pretend that there isn't ignores all reality. Kid have to learn to make good decisions based on an understanding of the personalities involved and the underlying spirit and intent of their actions. For example, when I was in college my roommate and I had a series of ongoing pranks with some other kids in our dorm. It was fun and was really a contest of who could be the most clever. It was not mean spirited and we had fun razzing each other. We looked forward to being pranked with almost as much anticipation as we looked forward to pranking others. Similarly, the "hazing" in my Greek house was totally silly and I never felt in danger or humiliated. I remember being led around the house in a blindfold and being told to kneel in "broken glass" (crushed potato chips) and recite the house pledge backwards. No one actually thought we were in any kind of danger.

We all know those adults who say mean things and then try to pass it off as a joke. Not ok. But many of us also have relationships with friends where we can tease and we know it is ok. It's a matter of having emotional intelligence and learning how to read a situation.

Yeah, like when Mitt Romney and his "friends" tackled that kid in prep school and forcibly cut his hair…good times..

[Anonymous]

The "bonding" of asshole dude bros and future sorority bitches is being threatened! Why do they hate our freedom?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something that doesn't sit right with me is that these girls piled on globs of sticky, gooey stuff all over the victim's face. I hope they weren't trying to stage something by making it look as though another substance was all over her face and hair.

Ok, wow. LOL. I am on OP's side but this is just twisted to even think this is what these girls were doing. Stay away from the pr0n sites, pp.

I'm the PP you responded to. I agree it's twisted. Have you read some of the posts? OP said it was mounds and mounds of stuff all over her DD's face, she didn't look like herself, and it was difficult to see her that way. OP then said she didn't want to say any more about it (I'm paraphrasing). I believe the word deface was used. All of this makes me think that the actual prank was "off" in a very upsetting way. Beyond the fact that something cruel was done to the hosting kid in her sleep.

[Anonymous]

OP was hosting a 6th grade sleep over. Not an impromptu "Greek Style Ritualized Homoerotic Humiliation Night".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something that doesn't sit right with me is that these girls piled on globs of sticky, gooey stuff all over the victim's face. I hope they weren't trying to stage something by making it look as though another substance was all over her face and hair.

Ok, wow. LOL. I am on OP's side but this is just twisted to even think this is what these girls were doing. Stay away from the pr0n sites, pp.

I'm the PP you responded to. I agree it's twisted. Have you read some of the posts? OP said it was mounds and mounds of stuff all over her DD's face, she didn't look like herself, and it was difficult to see her that way. OP then said she didn't want to say any more about it (I'm paraphrasing). I believe the word deface was used. All of this makes me think that the actual prank was "off" in a very upsetting way. Beyond the fact that something cruel was done to the hosting kid in her sleep.

Yeah, but no. This is a bridge too far.

[Anonymous]

Right, but by age 12, the conversation should have started between the girl who was mistreated and her friends, NOT her mom and her friends. The mom could have appropriately followed up with the other parents at drop off/pick up, or stepped in if the friends were not apologetic to her daughter.


LOL ! Because 12 yrs old naturally are great with confrontation with their peers!

By the time I was 12 I could tell a friend when I felt they had mistreated me. My mom made me confront classmates and friends who had mistreated me as early as 8. I'm glad she did it, it is part of the reason that I can assert myself as an adult today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Right, but by age 12, the conversation should have started between the girl who was mistreated and her friends, NOT her mom and her friends. The mom could have appropriately followed up with the other parents at drop off/pick up, or stepped in if the friends were not apologetic to her daughter.


LOL ! Because 12 yrs old naturally are great with confrontation with their peers!

By the time I was 12 I could tell a friend when I felt they had mistreated me. My mom made me confront classmates and friends who had mistreated me as early as 8. I'm glad she did it, it is part of the reason that I can assert myself as an adult today.

Well, based on your rigorous, empirical, data set, this approach must work for all children!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Right, but by age 12, the conversation should have started between the girl who was mistreated and her friends, NOT her mom and her friends. The mom could have appropriately followed up with the other parents at drop off/pick up, or stepped in if the friends were not apologetic to her daughter.


LOL ! Because 12 yrs old naturally are great with confrontation with their peers!

By the time I was 12 I could tell a friend when I felt they had mistreated me. My mom made me confront classmates and friends who had mistreated me as early as 8. I'm glad she did it, it is part of the reason that I can assert myself as an adult today.

I posted a few pages ago about how my parents handled a mean girls situation at a sleepover party we had at my house. You said it much more concisely--parents have to teach kids how to handle these shitty social situations, and learning how to do this as a child/adolescent is how you become a confident adult.