Husband can’t set a table and doesn’t care to learn how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

I can’t imagine your husband or kids care to listen to anything you have to say at this point, or even to be around you.

If you don’t want to be treated like a controlling harpy, you need to stop acting like a controlling harpy.

Exactly! Let them devolve in to silent pigs who leave messes everywhere, eat standing and walking, are late, and never talk to others.

Don’t dare tell them not to do that. Don’t be a controlling harpie. Dont tell them to do basic things. And definitely don’t remind them.

Just let it go. Let them do whatever.

Where did OP say this? While we're making things up, maybe the husband isn't interested in setting the table because OP is too controlling about how it's done

"When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc. "

"knives are flung"?

Like flung, stuck in the ceiling? Or placed in proximity to a serving dish, but not at the exact location preferred by OP?

"napkins placed haphazardly"?

Are the napkins stuck to the ceiling knives? Or are the napkins adjacent to the plates on the kitchen table? Would a stack of napkins placed at the center of the table be acceptable, or would this amount to a hazardous level of 'hap' with respect to napkin placement?

"no drinks"

Coming from a family that eats on the couch, it sounds like this person is making an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make between one and three dishes and have them sitting on the cooktop. Everyone gets their plate, takes what they want, gets a fork and something to drink and takes it to the table. The only thing I put on the table is cut up fruit in a bowl.
Does this bother my husband? Yes. He grew up in a family where the table was set and the meat-and-potato food was all plated and set before him by Mom. But he’s used to my ways and he’s certainly not going to start cooking and setting the table.
So I think if this matters to you, you’ll have to do it or teach your kids to do it.

Same. My husband doesn’t notice that he mom is all about many Serving Platters every meal and we’re not.

That said, he’s knows how to set the table with cutlery on the correct side and the glass.

What is the correct side of the glass, who decided, and why? And is it the same for right and left handed diners? Why or why not?

The glass goes on the right side. Above the knife.

I don’t know who decided. It doesn’t matter.

It is the same for everyone.

The reason is so that you don’t accidentally drink out of someone else’s glass at a sit down dinner.

So the important thing by that logic is that the glass is on the *same* side for all place settings, isn’t it? Right or left doesn’t actually matter.

In my family, we actually all have our own glasses that are different colors, so we could put them in the middle of the table and there would be no accidental sippage out of the wrong one!

IOW, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, ladies.

No. Right or left matters. You don’t make up your own rules of etiquette in every family. The purpose is that they are the same everywhere you go, so that people who don’t know each other don’t have to figure this stuff out every time. Like walking on the right side of a hallway. Or waiting for people to get off the elevator before you get on.

Every single time you sit down at a restaurant or a wedding or a sit down dinner party, the fork will be on the left, the knife will be on the right, and your glass will be on the right side above the knife.

Re: the bolded - you absolutely do! Random strangers don’t get to dictate how I set MY table in MY home.

Where do you put the glass if there is no knife? Please don’t tell me you set the table with a knife regardless of whether or not a knife is required… that’s just moronic.

Keep screaming at clouds, Grandma! And PLEASE never leave the country; I don’t think you’ll survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

I can’t imagine your husband or kids care to listen to anything you have to say at this point, or even to be around you.

If you don’t want to be treated like a controlling harpy, you need to stop acting like a controlling harpy.

Exactly! Let them devolve in to silent pigs who leave messes everywhere, eat standing and walking, are late, and never talk to others.

Don’t dare tell them not to do that. Don’t be a controlling harpie. Dont tell them to do basic things. And definitely don’t remind them.

Just let it go. Let them do whatever.

Yes, let them live their own lives.

Consider that one should lead by example. If your children have no desire to be emulate you, that says all you need to know, really.

Lol.

So if I eat healthy, set the table, pick up after myself, limit screen time…. My spouse and children magically will too with total silent and zero parenting!?

Who knew!!?

Unfortunately we all are seeing exactly what krap foods, no activity, absent parenting, unlimited screen time, selfish habits and low standards public schools have done to younger graduations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

And multiple people have said they have their things about the way the house is run and their spouse has theirs and it works for them. WTH are you to decide there's only one right way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

And multiple people have said they have their things about the way the house is run and their spouse has theirs and it works for them. WTH are you to decide there's only one right way?

I'm curious what you think marriage should look like if "your partner should care about your happiness and your kids happiness" is a controversial statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

And multiple people have said they have their things about the way the house is run and their spouse has theirs and it works for them. WTH are you to decide there's only one right way?

I'm curious what you think marriage should look like if "your partner should care about your happiness and your kids happiness" is a controversial statement.

My happiness is not dependent on doing things my way or caring about trivial things the way I care about them, such as setting the table right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

This thread is about fussy table setting, ma’am. WTF are you on about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

This thread is about fussy table setting, ma’am. WTF are you on about?

Have you read the thread? There have been claims men don't care about their wives and kids interests.

It's weird because I'd consider that misandry ro assume men can't do stuff like this. It's also weirdly inaccurate, I don't know a single man who doesn't do stuff like this for their wives or kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

I can’t imagine your husband or kids care to listen to anything you have to say at this point, or even to be around you.

If you don’t want to be treated like a controlling harpy, you need to stop acting like a controlling harpy.

Exactly! Let them devolve in to silent pigs who leave messes everywhere, eat standing and walking, are late, and never talk to others.

Don’t dare tell them not to do that. Don’t be a controlling harpie. Dont tell them to do basic things. And definitely don’t remind them.

Just let it go. Let them do whatever.

Yes, let them live their own lives.

Consider that one should lead by example. If your children have no desire to be emulate you, that says all you need to know, really.

Lol.

So if I eat healthy, set the table, pick up after myself, limit screen time…. My spouse and children magically will too with total silent and zero parenting!?

Who knew!!?

Unfortunately we all are seeing exactly what krap foods, no activity, absent parenting, unlimited screen time, selfish habits and low standards public schools have done to younger graduations.

They would want to be like you if you were a nice person. Obviously, they neither like you nor respect you.

[Anonymous]

Just set the table yourself if it's important to you. This seems like a lot of stress over something that would take you two minutes. Let him cook or clean or do something he actually sees value in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

If you're really happy with a partner who won't do tasks for you, I'm sorry. It sounds like you have really low self esteem. You really do deserve better.

I'm certainly it going to teach my sons to either give or accept that kind of treatment. That's just sad.

Aren't you the one in the miserable marriage? It's like a chronically unemployed person giving career advice.

Nope, I don't know who you think you're responding to.

My husband will hear me mention "oh I liked that book" and arrange a date night to see Project Hail Mary without being asked. The kind of guy who will play hundreds of games of Exploding Kittens with our boys because it makes them happy.

That's what you should want. And that's what you should give back.

This thread is about fussy table setting, ma’am. WTF are you on about?

Have you read the thread? There have been claims men don't care about their wives and kids interests.

It's weird because I'd consider that misandry ro assume men can't do stuff like this. It's also weirdly inaccurate, I don't know a single man who doesn't do stuff like this for their wives or kids.

Right. It's the cancer on all these threads about specific, resolvable issues.

"We can't discuss solutions, perspective, or nuance because [insert details about my miserable failed marriage here]".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I'm not someone who's big on table setting and only really does it for holidays, it does seem a bit ridiculous a grown adult can't do a basic job of it.

This was something my mom and grandmother were into and I was doing it at age 9 or so. It's not a difficult thing to do and just tossing stuff on the table seems a bit off.

It's clearly not that he's incapable, it's that he doesn't care and he doesn't want to do it.

This. And let's not pretend husbands are incapable of this stuff. My spouse doesn't even have to be asked, I'll make some off hand comment about liking something and he'll plan something (I of course do the same for him).

My Dad and I used to do the table for holidays and we'd do all sorts of neat fancy stuff together. And we'd carefully wash grandma's china and put it away.

Men are 100% capable of this stuff.

And not only does he not care (fair, he doesn't have to) BUT he doesn't care that YOU care.

This is especially true when it's something as compartmentalized as setting the table. Rather than a habit that someone with ADHD or another executive functioning issue might struggle with (it's me, I struggle with certain tasks, as does my husband).

Interestingly enough - he uses his ADHD as an excuse for his bad habits (being late, getting lost), but doesn't see my ADHD as an acceptable excuse for things I do that are annoying to him (leaving my dresser drawers open or forgetting to turn off a light).

But is it fair to ask your spouse to care about EVERYTHING you care about? That seems ridiculous to me. And I have a wonderful husband who does a lot of things because I care about them, and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make between one and three dishes and have them sitting on the cooktop. Everyone gets their plate, takes what they want, gets a fork and something to drink and takes it to the table. The only thing I put on the table is cut up fruit in a bowl.
Does this bother my husband? Yes. He grew up in a family where the table was set and the meat-and-potato food was all plated and set before him by Mom. But he’s used to my ways and he’s certainly not going to start cooking and setting the table.
So I think if this matters to you, you’ll have to do it or teach your kids to do it.

Same. My husband doesn’t notice that he mom is all about many Serving Platters every meal and we’re not.

That said, he’s knows how to set the table with cutlery on the correct side and the glass.

What is the correct side of the glass, who decided, and why? And is it the same for right and left handed diners? Why or why not?

The glass goes on the right side. Above the knife.

I don’t know who decided. It doesn’t matter.

It is the same for everyone.

The reason is so that you don’t accidentally drink out of someone else’s glass at a sit down dinner.

So the important thing by that logic is that the glass is on the *same* side for all place settings, isn’t it? Right or left doesn’t actually matter.

In my family, we actually all have our own glasses that are different colors, so we could put them in the middle of the table and there would be no accidental sippage out of the wrong one!

IOW, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, ladies.

No. Right or left matters. You don’t make up your own rules of etiquette in every family. The purpose is that they are the same everywhere you go, so that people who don’t know each other don’t have to figure this stuff out every time. Like walking on the right side of a hallway. Or waiting for people to get off the elevator before you get on.

Every single time you sit down at a restaurant or a wedding or a sit down dinner party, the fork will be on the left, the knife will be on the right, and your glass will be on the right side above the knife.

Re: the bolded - you absolutely do! Random strangers don’t get to dictate how I set MY table in MY home.

Where do you put the glass if there is no knife? Please don’t tell me you set the table with a knife regardless of whether or not a knife is required… that’s just moronic.

Keep screaming at clouds, Grandma! And PLEASE never leave the country; I don’t think you’ll survive.

You can do whatever you want to. These aren’t laws. They are ways of smoothing out social interactions between strangers so everyone is more comfortable and knows what to expect.

I don’t set out knives if we aren’t using knives. If you don’t have a knife, you put the glass on the right side of the plate, as if there were a knife there.