How does a judge decide custody when all the factors to be considered seem equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

You seem to have the same attitude as the mother in this case where daycare/preschool/aftercare is fine even when mom is available (since mom seems to be available all the time as she is not working) but granny and g/f are not fine. Why is that? This makes it appear that it is about control, bitterness, and spite and not actually about wanting maximum amount of time with the child.

If mom isn't working and is available, why is the kid still in daycare at all, especially during her time? If she really wanted to claw some time back, wouldn't it make more sense for her to offer to pulled kid out of daycare and save them money?

OP here. Yes. She has no problem that I send our child to daycare while she has been unemployed and available for the past 14 months. She also continues to send the child to daycare during her time. Right of first refusal only became a thing in her mind when my girlfriend moved in last year and started picking up our daughter.

I’m a little annoyed that this discussion keeps devolving into discussion about right of first refusal, but it makes sense because it really is what the case is all about.

It used to be that I did all dropoffs and my ex did all pickups no matter whose week it was. Three days a week, I would go to their house in the morning and pick our child up, drop off at daycare, and go to work. My ex would pick our child up in the afternoon, and we’d exchange in the evening after I got off work either at my work or I’d go to their house on the way home.

This arrangement was fine since I couldn’t make pickup due to my work schedule, and I enjoyed the extra time with our child in the morning, but once I started dating my girlfriend (starting before she even met our child) things started getting more high conflict as I started to set more boundaries. Having to see my ex every day started to be very draining. She would try to force me into conversations and berate me when I didn’t do what she wanted. Multiple times those interactions ended with her yelling and slamming the door in my face in front of our child.

When my girlfriend and I decided to move in together (after 1.5 years of dating), my ex was very upset and angry. She responded by saying “don’t worry about dropoffs anymore. I will handle all my own dropoffs and pickups during my week.” Which would mean I’d go a whole week without seeing our child. Not sure if it was in retaliation to take away time with our child or she just didn’t want to see me every day, but she is the one who suggested we end the arrangement first.

I thought it was a good idea to reduce interaction and conflict between us so I agreed and said I would also handle all my own pickups and dropoffs by designating someone to do it while I was at work. Since my girlfriend was moving in, she said she was happy to do pickup a few days a week to make things easier. My ex obviously didn’t like that and said that I was taking away her rights and her time and she wasn’t going to go a whole week without seeing our daughter. This is when she started threatening to file for custody and a couple months later she did. And somewhere along the way learned the words “right of first refusal.”

It turns out the constant back and forth between households was extremely hard on our child and I didn’t realize it. As soon as we started keeping our parenting time totally separate, so many issues vanished. Immediately became nighttime potty trained, stopped crying each night at bedtime due to missing mom, slept longer and better without waking up multiple times a night, and was all around a happier and more easygoing. I am happier and a much better parent not having to see my ex nearly every day, my relationship is better, etc. I do not want to have a parenting plan that makes things go back to the way they used to be. It would serve nothing except my ex’s need for control. She is, it seems, willing to go to trial over it even though everything I’ve read and heard indicates it’s not likely for it to be put in the order the way she wants.

OP all I can say is you have a very persuasive case in my mind. I hope your lawyer is good and I hope you documented all of this. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Your child is young for a full week away from either parent. Usually at her age, you'd do 2-2-5-5 or 2-2-3. At the VERY least, a midweek dinner in the off week. It's odd that the dc isn't seeing a parent for a full week at a time.

Did you bother to read the OP? They had a flexible set-up where the child saw both parents frequently. Then the ex wife tanked that by becoming jealous of the new girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

I don’t think OP cares what his ex does on her custody days. What he doesn’t want is for her to interfere with his custody days - which includes his choice of where the child goes for daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your child is young for a full week away from either parent. Usually at her age, you'd do 2-2-5-5 or 2-2-3. At the VERY least, a midweek dinner in the off week. It's odd that the dc isn't seeing a parent for a full week at a time.

Did you bother to read the OP? They had a flexible set-up where the child saw both parents frequently. Then the ex wife tanked that by becoming jealous of the new girlfriend.

Yes, I bothered to read that, thanks. So, it's in the best interest of the child to see both parents regularly, and it's possible that going a full week without seeing the other parent at the stage is not in the best interest of the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

Its NOT weird she wants the child to be with her over your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

Its NOT weird she wants the child to be with her over your girlfriend.

Yes it is. She’s using child custody as a way to get revenge because she’s mad at her ex for having a serious girlfriend. As OP explained, she’s perfectly happy to have the child go to childcare otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

Good advice. But the “odd” part is that the ex is fine for the kid to go to childcare on her time; the only time she objects is if the childcare is with OP’s mom or girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

Good advice. But the “odd” part is that the ex is fine for the kid to go to childcare on her time; the only time she objects is if the childcare is with OP’s mom or girlfriend.

The kid goes to preschool on mom's time. In many people's mind, preschool is different from being babysat. Many stay at home moms who don't choose to use babysitters, send their kids to preschool because they think it's an important part of getting ready for Kindergarten. There is nothing odd about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

Then you shouldn’t have sole custody. As a teacher, the only parents who use that excuse are dads who assume a woman will pick up the slack. Any mom I have worked with who had a job where they are in a scif or operating on people or whatever has a workaround where they would be able to be notified. I might get weird instructions like “call my mom she has the personal cell phones for the people in the hospital who would be able to find me” but they always have a way. You need to figure that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

Good advice. But the “odd” part is that the ex is fine for the kid to go to childcare on her time; the only time she objects is if the childcare is with OP’s mom or girlfriend.

The kid goes to preschool on mom's time. In many people's mind, preschool is different from being babysat. Many stay at home moms who don't choose to use babysitters, send their kids to preschool because they think it's an important part of getting ready for Kindergarten. There is nothing odd about that.

She’s not a stay at home mom - she’s an unemployed mom. and her preference to decide what kind of childcare is OK and what is not is not, is not determinative of custody.