Reply to How does a judge decide custody when all the factors to be considered seem equal?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate. [/quote]

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours.  Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too.  You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend.  And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more.  You obviously have a tight work schedule.  Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time.  Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school.  Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together.  It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that.  Find a way to work this out.  Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

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You seem to have the same attitude as the mother in this case where daycare/preschool/aftercare is fine even when mom is available (since mom seems to be available all the time as she is not working) but granny and g/f are not fine. Why is that? This makes it appear that it is about control, bitterness, and spite and not actually about wanting maximum amount of time with the child.

If mom isn't working and is available, why is the kid still in daycare at all, especially during her time? If she really wanted to claw some time back, wouldn't it make more sense for her to offer to pulled kid out of daycare and save them money?[/quote]

OP here. Yes. She has no problem that I send our child to daycare while she has been unemployed and available for the past 14 months. She also continues to send the child to daycare during her time. Right of first refusal only became a thing in her mind when my girlfriend moved in last year and started picking up our daughter.

I’m a little annoyed that this discussion keeps devolving into discussion about right of first refusal, but it makes sense because it really is what the case is all about.

It used to be that I did all dropoffs and my ex did all pickups no matter whose week it was. Three days a week, I would go to their house in the morning and pick our child up, drop off at daycare, and go to work. My ex would pick our child up in the afternoon, and we’d exchange in the evening after I got off work either at my work or I’d go to their house on the way home.

This arrangement was fine since I couldn’t make pickup due to my work schedule, and I enjoyed the extra time with our child in the morning, but once I started dating my girlfriend (starting before she even met our child) things started getting more high conflict as I started to set more boundaries. Having to see my ex every day started to be very draining. She would try to force me into conversations and berate me when I didn’t do what she wanted. Multiple times those interactions ended with her yelling and slamming the door in my face in front of our child.

When my girlfriend and I decided to move in together (after 1.5 years of dating), my ex was very upset and angry. She responded by saying “don’t worry about dropoffs anymore. I will handle all my own dropoffs and pickups during my week.” Which would mean I’d go a whole week without seeing our child. Not sure if it was in retaliation to take away time with our child or she just didn’t want to see me every day, but she is the one who suggested we end the arrangement first.

I thought it was a good idea to reduce interaction and conflict between us so I agreed and said I would also handle all my own pickups and dropoffs by designating someone to do it while I was at work. Since my girlfriend was moving in, she said she was happy to do pickup a few days a week to make things easier. My ex obviously didn’t like that and said that I was taking away her rights and her time and she wasn’t going to go a whole week without seeing our daughter. This is when she started threatening to file for custody and a couple months later she did. And somewhere along the way learned the words “right of first refusal.”

It turns out the constant back and forth between households was extremely hard on our child and I didn’t realize it. As soon as we started keeping our parenting time totally separate, so many issues vanished. Immediately became nighttime potty trained,  stopped crying each night at bedtime due to missing mom, slept longer and better without waking up multiple times a night, and was all around a happier and more easygoing. I am happier and a much better parent not having to see my ex nearly every day, my relationship is better, etc. I do not want to have a parenting plan that makes things go back to the way they used to be. It would serve nothing except my ex’s need for control. She is, it seems, willing to go to trial over it even though everything I’ve read and heard indicates it’s not likely for it to be put in the order the way she wants.

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OP all I can say is you have a very persuasive case in my mind. I hope your lawyer is good and I hope you documented all of this. Good luck. [/quote]

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