How does a judge decide custody when all the factors to be considered seem equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking at the entirety of the law, it sounds like the judge can order joint custody, and then the parents can agree to it.

I would think that if the judge orders joint, and one parent refuses, the other parent should get sole legal custody. But I am not a judge.

I would think that a mother asking for sole custody, who is offered a choice between joint and none, would become amenable to joint custody.

What is her basis for asking for a change?

Is there a current custody agreement or is it informal since there was no divorce.

There was no custody agreement prior to the mother filing earlier this year. Now there is a status quo/order of restraint that the parents can't change the schedule until a final order.

The mother filed a petition due to her increasing unhappiness with the coparenting situation after he started a new relationship and introduced the child to his new girlfriend without the mother's permission as well as a frustratingly steep drop in communication between the parents that coincided with the new relationship. The mother feels very strongly that it is best for the child that they have an amicable and close coparenting relationship with a large amount of flexibility, frequent contact between the two parents, and spending time together for the child's sake. The father disagrees and decided to move to a more parenting parallel style with only necessary communication about scheduling, major health/education decisions, etc, and wants to keep communication to text, email, or parenting app only. It all came to a head during the week of the child's birthday when he decided to throw his own birthday party for the child instead of attending the one the mother planned as he had in years past. The mother filed the petition later that week in hopes that it would spur the father to communicate more with her and have a sit down conversation with her.

So what?

Mom, you’re a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

Then you shouldn’t have sole custody. As a teacher, the only parents who use that excuse are dads who assume a woman will pick up the slack. Any mom I have worked with who had a job where they are in a scif or operating on people or whatever has a workaround where they would be able to be notified. I might get weird instructions like “call my mom she has the personal cell phones for the people in the hospital who would be able to find me” but they always have a way. You need to figure that out.

Oh come off it. A parent not being immediately available at all times at work doesn't mean they shouldn't have legal custody. That won't be a determining factor in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

Then you shouldn’t have sole custody. As a teacher, the only parents who use that excuse are dads who assume a woman will pick up the slack. Any mom I have worked with who had a job where they are in a scif or operating on people or whatever has a workaround where they would be able to be notified. I might get weird instructions like “call my mom she has the personal cell phones for the people in the hospital who would be able to find me” but they always have a way. You need to figure that out.

Oh come off it. A parent not being immediately available at all times at work doesn't mean they shouldn't have legal custody. That won't be a determining factor in this case.

OP literally said that if the mom was in car accident with the child, there would be no way to reach him, unless mom came to tell him in person. So, the kid is injured in the ER and he has no other plan for giving consent other than mom leaving the child in the ER and going to his work? Because the other people who would presumably be able to reach him have mom blocked. He doesn't seem to think this is something to problem solve. He can't ask someone at work if he can give out their number, or whatever, because avoiding awkward conversations with his ex is more important to him than his child's medical care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

Then you shouldn’t have sole custody. As a teacher, the only parents who use that excuse are dads who assume a woman will pick up the slack. Any mom I have worked with who had a job where they are in a scif or operating on people or whatever has a workaround where they would be able to be notified. I might get weird instructions like “call my mom she has the personal cell phones for the people in the hospital who would be able to find me” but they always have a way. You need to figure that out.

Oh come off it. A parent not being immediately available at all times at work doesn't mean they shouldn't have legal custody. That won't be a determining factor in this case.

OP literally said that if the mom was in car accident with the child, there would be no way to reach him, unless mom came to tell him in person. So, the kid is injured in the ER and he has no other plan for giving consent other than mom leaving the child in the ER and going to his work? Because the other people who would presumably be able to reach him have mom blocked. He doesn't seem to think this is something to problem solve. He can't ask someone at work if he can give out their number, or whatever, because avoiding awkward conversations with his ex is more important to him than his child's medical care.

You're assuming a lot here for some reason.

OP said he is not easily reachable immediately in a way that would make arranging last minute childcare with his ex challenging, so he would prefer that he handled it all on his side during his parenting time and she handled it all during his. That seems perfectly understandable.

That doesn't mean that in an emergency he wouldn't be able to be notified and he does have a plan: if she's in an accident and can't get a message through for whatever reason, send someone to his work to let him know. That's a perfectly reasonable plan. And what does that have to do with custody anyway? Even if he was 100% unavailable and MIA, in an emergency she would be able to make those decisions even without having legal custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

Then you shouldn’t have sole custody. As a teacher, the only parents who use that excuse are dads who assume a woman will pick up the slack. Any mom I have worked with who had a job where they are in a scif or operating on people or whatever has a workaround where they would be able to be notified. I might get weird instructions like “call my mom she has the personal cell phones for the people in the hospital who would be able to find me” but they always have a way. You need to figure that out.

Oh come off it. A parent not being immediately available at all times at work doesn't mean they shouldn't have legal custody. That won't be a determining factor in this case.

OP literally said that if the mom was in car accident with the child, there would be no way to reach him, unless mom came to tell him in person. So, the kid is injured in the ER and he has no other plan for giving consent other than mom leaving the child in the ER and going to his work? Because the other people who would presumably be able to reach him have mom blocked. He doesn't seem to think this is something to problem solve. He can't ask someone at work if he can give out their number, or whatever, because avoiding awkward conversations with his ex is more important to him than his child's medical care.

You're assuming a lot here for some reason.

OP said he is not easily reachable immediately in a way that would make arranging last minute childcare with his ex challenging, so he would prefer that he handled it all on his side during his parenting time and she handled it all during his. That seems perfectly understandable.

That doesn't mean that in an emergency he wouldn't be able to be notified and he does have a plan: if she's in an accident and can't get a message through for whatever reason, send someone to his work to let him know. That's a perfectly reasonable plan. And what does that have to do with custody anyway? Even if he was 100% unavailable and MIA, in an emergency she would be able to make those decisions even without having legal custody.

No, he clarified later that he would never be reachable until he got home from work.

"It might take the front desk of the hospital a few minutes to find me" is different from "I didn't bother giving the number of the person who could find me to her". One is normal parenting. The latter is putting your own selfishness above the needs of the child.

Hospitals will let the person there with the child make life saving decisions. But they won't let them make decisions that are about the physical comfort of the child, for example. Maybe you'd be happy to wait for that. I would not want a custody agreement where I had my kid 50% of the time, and would have to wait for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

Then you shouldn’t have sole custody. As a teacher, the only parents who use that excuse are dads who assume a woman will pick up the slack. Any mom I have worked with who had a job where they are in a scif or operating on people or whatever has a workaround where they would be able to be notified. I might get weird instructions like “call my mom she has the personal cell phones for the people in the hospital who would be able to find me” but they always have a way. You need to figure that out.

Oh come off it. A parent not being immediately available at all times at work doesn't mean they shouldn't have legal custody. That won't be a determining factor in this case.

OP literally said that if the mom was in car accident with the child, there would be no way to reach him, unless mom came to tell him in person. So, the kid is injured in the ER and he has no other plan for giving consent other than mom leaving the child in the ER and going to his work? Because the other people who would presumably be able to reach him have mom blocked. He doesn't seem to think this is something to problem solve. He can't ask someone at work if he can give out their number, or whatever, because avoiding awkward conversations with his ex is more important to him than his child's medical care.

An ER doesn’t require consent from a parent before they treat a child in an emergency. Do you think they let kids bleed out until they get a parent on the phone? The fact that you need to have an emergency contact due to your job doesn’t mean you cannot have legal custody. Legal custody is about the parent who will make the better decisions and that is OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

Then you shouldn’t have sole custody. As a teacher, the only parents who use that excuse are dads who assume a woman will pick up the slack. Any mom I have worked with who had a job where they are in a scif or operating on people or whatever has a workaround where they would be able to be notified. I might get weird instructions like “call my mom she has the personal cell phones for the people in the hospital who would be able to find me” but they always have a way. You need to figure that out.

Oh come off it. A parent not being immediately available at all times at work doesn't mean they shouldn't have legal custody. That won't be a determining factor in this case.

OP literally said that if the mom was in car accident with the child, there would be no way to reach him, unless mom came to tell him in person. So, the kid is injured in the ER and he has no other plan for giving consent other than mom leaving the child in the ER and going to his work? Because the other people who would presumably be able to reach him have mom blocked. He doesn't seem to think this is something to problem solve. He can't ask someone at work if he can give out their number, or whatever, because avoiding awkward conversations with his ex is more important to him than his child's medical care.

You're assuming a lot here for some reason.

OP said he is not easily reachable immediately in a way that would make arranging last minute childcare with his ex challenging, so he would prefer that he handled it all on his side during his parenting time and she handled it all during his. That seems perfectly understandable.

That doesn't mean that in an emergency he wouldn't be able to be notified and he does have a plan: if she's in an accident and can't get a message through for whatever reason, send someone to his work to let him know. That's a perfectly reasonable plan. And what does that have to do with custody anyway? Even if he was 100% unavailable and MIA, in an emergency she would be able to make those decisions even without having legal custody.

No, he clarified later that he would never be reachable until he got home from work.

"It might take the front desk of the hospital a few minutes to find me" is different from "I didn't bother giving the number of the person who could find me to her". One is normal parenting. The latter is putting your own selfishness above the needs of the child.

Hospitals will let the person there with the child make life saving decisions. But they won't let them make decisions that are about the physical comfort of the child, for example. Maybe you'd be happy to wait for that. I would not want a custody agreement where I had my kid 50% of the time, and would have to wait for that.

Well maybe the crazy lady should have thought of that before she [checks notes] filed for sole custody because she was mad her ex wasn’t going to her family Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

Then you shouldn’t have sole custody. As a teacher, the only parents who use that excuse are dads who assume a woman will pick up the slack. Any mom I have worked with who had a job where they are in a scif or operating on people or whatever has a workaround where they would be able to be notified. I might get weird instructions like “call my mom she has the personal cell phones for the people in the hospital who would be able to find me” but they always have a way. You need to figure that out.

Oh come off it. A parent not being immediately available at all times at work doesn't mean they shouldn't have legal custody. That won't be a determining factor in this case.

OP literally said that if the mom was in car accident with the child, there would be no way to reach him, unless mom came to tell him in person. So, the kid is injured in the ER and he has no other plan for giving consent other than mom leaving the child in the ER and going to his work? Because the other people who would presumably be able to reach him have mom blocked. He doesn't seem to think this is something to problem solve. He can't ask someone at work if he can give out their number, or whatever, because avoiding awkward conversations with his ex is more important to him than his child's medical care.

You're assuming a lot here for some reason.

OP said he is not easily reachable immediately in a way that would make arranging last minute childcare with his ex challenging, so he would prefer that he handled it all on his side during his parenting time and she handled it all during his. That seems perfectly understandable.

That doesn't mean that in an emergency he wouldn't be able to be notified and he does have a plan: if she's in an accident and can't get a message through for whatever reason, send someone to his work to let him know. That's a perfectly reasonable plan. And what does that have to do with custody anyway? Even if he was 100% unavailable and MIA, in an emergency she would be able to make those decisions even without having legal custody.

No, he clarified later that he would never be reachable until he got home from work.

"It might take the front desk of the hospital a few minutes to find me" is different from "I didn't bother giving the number of the person who could find me to her". One is normal parenting. The latter is putting your own selfishness above the needs of the child.

Hospitals will let the person there with the child make life saving decisions. But they won't let them make decisions that are about the physical comfort of the child, for example. Maybe you'd be happy to wait for that. I would not want a custody agreement where I had my kid 50% of the time, and would have to wait for that.

OP here. I never said that I’d definitely be unreachable until I got off work. There’s just not a guarantee to get a message through to me quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

This is where ROFR could benefit you in the near future. Usually it has a provision that school (k-12th grade) hours do not count towards rofr. In other words, mom couldn't take dd out of K on her day off, on YOUR parenting time (same for you). So if you have it for 8 hours, mom can't take dd from school or aftercare on your days (when dd is in K and above). She also couldn't take her on the Sunday half day.

You've got to think ahead, she's going to be in school for way more years than daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

Its NOT weird she wants the child to be with her over your girlfriend.

Yes it is. She’s using child custody as a way to get revenge because she’s mad at her ex for having a serious girlfriend. As OP explained, she’s perfectly happy to have the child go to childcare otherwise.

OP is claiming he's doing everything on his time but then stating he's not and dumping it on his girlfriend. Mom should be offered the time over girlfiend. He's contridicting himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

Its NOT weird she wants the child to be with her over your girlfriend.

Yes it is. She’s using child custody as a way to get revenge because she’s mad at her ex for having a serious girlfriend. As OP explained, she’s perfectly happy to have the child go to childcare otherwise.

OP is claiming he's doing everything on his time but then stating he's not and dumping it on his girlfriend. Mom should be offered the time over girlfiend. He's contridicting himself.

OP here. How am I contradicting myself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the eeriest thread to read. It's like my life story, only written 35 years later. Everything is identical - I was never married to my daughter's mom, we parented amicably for the first two years until I met my now-wife, ex-GF filed for custody (and threatened to move out of Maryland), even the pot-smoking in the background (which was illegal then). All I wanted was to keep the 50/50 plan that we'd respected since the mid-80s - which, incidentally, was absolutely not the norm at that time.

If you want a crystal ball, here's how it worked for me, a 66-year-old dad with a grown-up 39-year-old daughter. I was lucky to find a forward-thinking attorney back in the day, and I did exactly what you are doing. DD's mom wanted sole custody, and I requested to stick with 50/50. The court case went on for 18 months, and I had zero money at the time. I had to borrow funds. In the end, the judge awarded me sole physical custody with joint legal custody.

DD's mom appealed, saying I'd never requested sole custody. The judge responded that DD's mom was the one who'd refused joint custody, while I'd been willing and happy to continue with it, so he'd had to make a decision. He went with the parent who was most willing to facilitate the relationship with the other parent.

From that time forward, from the time DD was 4 until she was 18, it was a relief. I realized it wasn't in my daughter's best interest to keep her from her mom - the judge had given DD's mom very little time in his orders - and I offered to continue with 50/50. We alternated weeks until DD graduated from high school. DD's address was with me, we shared joint legal custody, and I didn't pay child support any longer.

This was all a long time ago, but I had to weigh in because the coincidences are boggling my mind.

And now DD is 39. Her mom long ago moved out of the state, but DD lives 30 minutes from me. She has a close relationship with her mom and a close relationship with me as well. My wife and I have been happily married for 30+ years with two grown kids of our own. All three siblings are tight.

The rockiest time was DD's senior year of high school, for some reason, when she became prickly. I think it was the "soiling the nest" phenomenon before heading to college.

Please keep extremely detailed records. Be aware your ex-GF is surely recording every conversation. Continue to be balanced and accommodating, and enjoy the love and support of your fiancee. Good luck!

That's pretty terrible to take your child away from their mom. Sounds like you pushed her out for your wife.

Did you miss the part where I was awarded full custody and then offered 50/50 to my DD's mom? The judge gave her only weekends and 6 weeks in the summer. I offered week on week off and that's what we did until our daughter was grown.

Anyway, I think you're just trying to make trouble.

You were awarded full custody because you fought for it.

PP here just seeing this now. Nope, and nope. (1) It was my ex- GF who filed for custody. There had previously been no custody order in place. I would have been perfectly happy going on as we had been for the first couple of years sharing time with DD. (2) I never asked for full custody. I responded after being served and even then only requested 50/50. It was a surprise that the judge awarded me full custody.

[Anonymous]

PP again - sorry to make this about me. I'll stop derailing. To the OP, I hope you'll keep us updated on what happens. I'm crossing my fingers for you and for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the eeriest thread to read. It's like my life story, only written 35 years later. Everything is identical - I was never married to my daughter's mom, we parented amicably for the first two years until I met my now-wife, ex-GF filed for custody (and threatened to move out of Maryland), even the pot-smoking in the background (which was illegal then). All I wanted was to keep the 50/50 plan that we'd respected since the mid-80s - which, incidentally, was absolutely not the norm at that time.

If you want a crystal ball, here's how it worked for me, a 66-year-old dad with a grown-up 39-year-old daughter. I was lucky to find a forward-thinking attorney back in the day, and I did exactly what you are doing. DD's mom wanted sole custody, and I requested to stick with 50/50. The court case went on for 18 months, and I had zero money at the time. I had to borrow funds. In the end, the judge awarded me sole physical custody with joint legal custody.

DD's mom appealed, saying I'd never requested sole custody. The judge responded that DD's mom was the one who'd refused joint custody, while I'd been willing and happy to continue with it, so he'd had to make a decision. He went with the parent who was most willing to facilitate the relationship with the other parent.

From that time forward, from the time DD was 4 until she was 18, it was a relief. I realized it wasn't in my daughter's best interest to keep her from her mom - the judge had given DD's mom very little time in his orders - and I offered to continue with 50/50. We alternated weeks until DD graduated from high school. DD's address was with me, we shared joint legal custody, and I didn't pay child support any longer.

This was all a long time ago, but I had to weigh in because the coincidences are boggling my mind.

And now DD is 39. Her mom long ago moved out of the state, but DD lives 30 minutes from me. She has a close relationship with her mom and a close relationship with me as well. My wife and I have been happily married for 30+ years with two grown kids of our own. All three siblings are tight.

The rockiest time was DD's senior year of high school, for some reason, when she became prickly. I think it was the "soiling the nest" phenomenon before heading to college.

Please keep extremely detailed records. Be aware your ex-GF is surely recording every conversation. Continue to be balanced and accommodating, and enjoy the love and support of your fiancee. Good luck!

That's pretty terrible to take your child away from their mom. Sounds like you pushed her out for your wife.

Did you miss the part where I was awarded full custody and then offered 50/50 to my DD's mom? The judge gave her only weekends and 6 weeks in the summer. I offered week on week off and that's what we did until our daughter was grown.

Anyway, I think you're just trying to make trouble.

You were awarded full custody because you fought for it.

PP here just seeing this now. Nope, and nope. (1) It was my ex- GF who filed for custody. There had previously been no custody order in place. I would have been perfectly happy going on as we had been for the first couple of years sharing time with DD. (2) I never asked for full custody. I responded after being served and even then only requested 50/50. It was a surprise that the judge awarded me full custody.

No judge would give you full custody if you wanted 50-50. Your post makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate.

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours. Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too. You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend. And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more. You obviously have a tight work schedule. Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time. Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school. Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together. It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that. Find a way to work this out. Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody. And ex is right. He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently. He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time. Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid. Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40. He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.

I am confused about your schedule. Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same?

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.

I don't think it's odd at all for a mother who is at home to choose to keep her child in preschool. I was a SAHM when my kids were your daughter's age, and they went to preschool, because, like many people, I felt that preschool was important for preparing them for kindergarten. I wouldn't think the same way at all about them being cared for by a babysitter, regardless of who that babysitter was dating.

It sounds as though, during the week she's with you, your daughter spends 24 hours at daycare, 24 hours with your mom, and 12 - 15 hours with your girl friend. That's more than half her waking hours she's in the care of someone else. Is there a way to redo custody so she's with her mom every Sat/Sun and with you every week on the 2 days you don't work? That seems much more sensible.

To some degree understand that many of us are playing devils advocate because you seem certain that you're going to win, and we want to make sure you're considering all angles. But also understand that the court could really go either way. On one hand, you have a parent that's demanding sole legal custody, and courts don't like having people make demands of that kind. On the other hand, it's not really clear whether you're setting reasonable boundaries, or just refusing to communicate at all. Joint legal custody requires communication. To say "well, if she had my daughter on my week, she just wouldn't be able to reach me." isn't reasonable, because of course if you have sole legal custody and she has your daughter on her week, she'd still need to be able to reach you if a medical decision needed to be made. So, you probably need to show the court that your "boundaries" don't mean cutting out important communications.

I’m not certain I’m going to win at all. I truly have no idea how things are going to play out. I know that my household is happy with how things are under the current status quo and I truly don’t think it would be in our child’s best interest to disrupt it.

We do communicate. I initiate or respond to any and all communication that needs a response, but I will only communicate via text or email. I have asked that she only call in a true emergency.

Above you said that if your ex had your daughter on your week and had an emergency she would have no way to reach you because you are with patients and your mom and GF have her blocked. If that’s true on your weeks why wouldn’t it be true on her weeks?

Well, she could reach me, but it wouldn’t be immediate. I will get off work eventually, and she might be able to get a message through frontline staff, it’s just not a guarantee that it will happen quickly. If nothing else if she really needed me immediately she could come or send someone physically to notify me.

That has nothing to do with custody or my preferred method of communication, it’s just the reality of where I work. I mentioned that because it makes last minute childcare arrangements more logistically challenging.

Then you shouldn’t have sole custody. As a teacher, the only parents who use that excuse are dads who assume a woman will pick up the slack. Any mom I have worked with who had a job where they are in a scif or operating on people or whatever has a workaround where they would be able to be notified. I might get weird instructions like “call my mom she has the personal cell phones for the people in the hospital who would be able to find me” but they always have a way. You need to figure that out.

Oh come off it. A parent not being immediately available at all times at work doesn't mean they shouldn't have legal custody. That won't be a determining factor in this case.

OP literally said that if the mom was in car accident with the child, there would be no way to reach him, unless mom came to tell him in person. So, the kid is injured in the ER and he has no other plan for giving consent other than mom leaving the child in the ER and going to his work? Because the other people who would presumably be able to reach him have mom blocked. He doesn't seem to think this is something to problem solve. He can't ask someone at work if he can give out their number, or whatever, because avoiding awkward conversations with his ex is more important to him than his child's medical care.

An ER doesn’t require consent from a parent before they treat a child in an emergency. Do you think they let kids bleed out until they get a parent on the phone? The fact that you need to have an emergency contact due to your job doesn’t mean you cannot have legal custody. Legal custody is about the parent who will make the better decisions and that is OP.

An ER will stop a child from bleeding out. But having sat in the emergency room with kids as a school administrator, with signed paperwork authorizing treatment, where nothing was done till parents were reached because they determined it wasn't life threatening, I wouldn't want to be in that circumstance with my own child. And I certainly wouldn't want to leave my child in that circumstance to go get my ex in person, as he seems to have suggested would be the solution.

My guess is that in this situation, the judge will order substantial child support, and will retain 50/50 child physical custody, and mom will be told that if she doesn't agree to joint legal, dad will get the legal custody. Of course mom will then decide that she can live with join legal custody. Mom may or may not get ROFR. So, Dad will end up out a lot of money, but otherwise things will remain mostly the same.