Vent: Invited to 4 child-free weddings this summer

[Anonymous]

I prefer child free but only attend if I really feel like it, which is almost never.

[Anonymous]

We struggled with this mightily for our mid-sized wedding of 80 people. Ended up allowing kids, as a number of our friends would not be able to attend. Probably had 60 adults and 20 kids total.

It turned out great. The kids were fun, plus we had a nice venue with a big lawn so the kids could run in circles until their heart's content. Some of the best photos of our wedding are the kids.

But our wedding was pretty laid back and outdoors, no church, no black tie, etc. I could see not wanting kids at a black tie NYC wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:we had a child free wedding, and hired babysitters to watch the kids for the duration of the wedding and reception because we knew folks were coming out of their way to come to our wedding and some entire families were coming. i don't think its fair to have a child free wedding without offering a support - especially if folks are traveling - at least with the baby sitter set up families can spend their mornings together, do some sort of pre-date night routine, etc.

personally, looking back, i would have loved to have had the kids there (growing up all the weddings were come one come all -but may be an ethnicity thing - weddings are family events, and we want families to be there) but it was a numbers issue - we just didn't have the funds to pay for all the kids to have a seat at the time and babysitters were our compromise.

Was it really a money issue for you? When I got married, kids’ meals were about $10 while adult meals were about $30. It seems like paying for babysitters would be about the same.

Hahaha! Did you get married in the 70s or middle of nowhere? I got married 11 years ago and kids plates were $50 each (adult plast were ~$150). Not to mention inviting all the kids of multiple cousins would have meant choosing a venue far out of town (adding to logistic planning and cost) or not having any of our actual friends attend the wedding.

No, June 2010 in downtown DC. I’m the oldest of all my cousins so I wasn’t in your situation of having kids of multiple cousins…my cousins weren’t parents yet, but 5 of my first cousins (under age 12) attended. It wasn’t a big deal, nor was it a friends vs. family situation. In some cases, although I invited family, they chose not to come because 5 plane tickets was too expensive. I guess if you think everyone who is invited will come, it could be a problem. My wedding planner at the time told me usually 70% of invitees attend. Maybe you had a higher attendance rate than I did.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why people get so worked up over this - going so far as to say the bride must be a narcissist if it's a child free wedding. I had a child-free wedding and I still prefer child free weddings now that I have children. Our was a sort of late wedding and we didn't have a huge budget and weddings also often have lots of people drinking, which is not great for kids to be around. If it doesn't work for you, just don't go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just love the lack of self-awareness when people who insisted upon having a child-free wedding themselves then kvetch about such absurdity once they have children of their own.

FTR, we hade upwards of 20 kids at our wedding. Why? Because weddings should be a celebration with family and friends, and we realized most parents can’t participate if they are forced to find alternative plans for their kids.

I’m 50 now, and I detest black tie weddings or any event where the alleged hosts attempt to dictate attire; and I detest child free weddings (where everyone spends months hearing about how unreasonable the hosts are for not letting cousin Amanda bring the baby she is nursing or whatever).

To the pp in the wedding along with her husband and kids who are flower girls yet not invited to the party - I can’t believe you agreed to this. I would have said our family is happy to celebrate with you and shoulder the significant financial aspects of travel, special outfits, etc. but I hope you understand that all of us need to attend as we can’t easily find care for the kids.” A normal host would have invited the other grandparents to attend so they could help with the kids and duck out early to put them to bed.

I didn’t have such an egregious situation but I did have kids in the wedding party of a child free wedding and found it awkward. I would say that when we were to be in the wedding party and agreed I had no idea the wedding would be child free and no one provided a schedule or anything. It was only months later that we actually saw on the real invitation that it was no kids please. And then even later that they sent us the schedule (and I privately went “oh good lord pictures are scheduled right in the middle of naptime and ceremony is RIGHT when we usually eat dinner how can I start shift schedules so my children aren’t melting down in every memory everyone has of this event”). If I had wanted to bow out there wasn’t a time it would really have felt possible. I feel for PP — she’s been placed in an impossible situation.

It is always possible to back out. If you got sick or there were a death in the family, you wouldn't go, right? So it's possible.

What there are are better and worse times to back out. Any time before the final headcount for the caterer is fine. Be politely apologetic but straightforward: "I'd thought we could make this work, but the logistics are just a nightmare, so [whatever your decision is]. We'll be thinking of you!"

Of course it’s *possible* but it feels rude and awkward if you don’t have a reason beyond “this has become inconvenient to me.” In my case I didn’t actually want to back out; the inconvenience was still worth it to be able to support my friend on her wedding day and fortunately there was a playground at the venue so we spent most of our time there. And maybe that’s true too for PP whose kids aren’t even invited to the party! But if it’s not I can absolutely understand why it’s hard to say no after you’ve already agreed and perhaps the couple has already paid for things, etc because when you agree to be in the wedding party you’re pretty much agreeing to a bunch of things that aren’t yet decided and you don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Other people’s childfree weddings are really expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other people’s childfree weddings are really expensive.

Are you just talking about babysitting costs? Most expensive wedding I went to was a family wedding were children were welcome. One of the moms, the SIL to the groom, broke down in tears after she somehow became the de facto babysitter for all the kids there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the weddings I go to a child-free and it is much preferable.

+1 Just DECLINE OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies. I can beat you! Dh and I are both in a wedding. Our kids are flower girls. And they aren’t invited to the wedding. Our baby isn’t invited at all. It’s insanity trying to figure this out. We basically have a series of babysitters working long hours. And the baby is headed hours away to grandparents. It kills me that they’re invited to the rehearsal but not the rehearsal dinner. Don’t they realize how impossible this is for parents? The reason they aren’t invited to the reception is cost and because everyone has kids, which I get. But our girls are pretty devastated at not getting to go. I sit then down before every meeting and forbid them from mentioning it at all. We aren’t local to the wedding.

I too had a childfree wedding but we also didn’t know any kids. Our flower girl did come.

This is actually pretty bad manners on the bride and groom. Given the circumstances, I would have declined to have my kids be the flower girls if an exception was not made for them to attend (though sorry, not the baby).

[Anonymous]

Weddings are definitely for adults. I do like when the wedding party has a babysitter. I was that babysitter at several weddings when I was a teenager. I would stay in a hotel suite and watch all the kids. It was fun and the parents got to enjoy the party.

[Anonymous]

Good for them! Some people want to get married without screaming brats and entitled parents trying to ruin it.

[Anonymous]

I had a kids free wedding except the wedding party. My MIL’s relatives just bright them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Childfree weddings are the most enjoyable, IMO. I say that as a mom of 4 kids. Little kids don't care about weddings or being quiet for long periods of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other people’s childfree weddings are really expensive.

Are you just talking about babysitting costs? Most expensive wedding I went to was a family wedding were children were welcome. One of the moms, the SIL to the groom, broke down in tears after she somehow became the de facto babysitter for all the kids there.

Unless the wedding is in your hometown it’s much more than babysitting costs.

People really don’t look after moms at most gatherings. If you see someone with a little kid notice if they themselves are eating. Usually not. And no one catches on.

[Anonymous]

Its really shocking and rude to not invite members of the wedding party to the reception! Like I can't even get over that. Wow.