My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

Dirty plates don't go on the couch. OP is trying to provide a civilized home for her children where people use basic manners.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So OP said she did more of the housework. What would happen if she just didn’t do more than her share? Would DH pick up the slack? But just not in the way OP would want it done?

I have a feeling they fell into this pattern because OP is overly controlling about how she wants things done. Team DH over here.

Interesting. I suspect the opposite, and that DH wouldn’t pick up the slack at all.

I suspect no one would notice except OP. I would bet money that 90% of the “work” she does is useless make-work BS.

No one would notice.

It’s not like they have adult guests in their home stopping by to chat or eat a meal or watch a game and they have to sit in the pizza plates left out on the couch cushions.

Just leave them.

Okay a game of chicken with your wife.

How many days or weeks can each of you leave his dirty plates taking up a seat on the couch?

Let it sit there and remind everyone of what a great husband and father he is.

He didn’t leave the plate on the couch. He set it there *while* he continued to watch the movie *with his family*.

Your insane over-the-top responses in this thread are actually indicative of YOU being a lousy wife and mother. A show ready house every minute of every day is FAR more important to you than your family members’ feelings or comfort.

Wrong again.

She brought up the dirty plate on the safe after the movie was over. Read all about it in the Op. he then picked a fight.

That’s their toxic pattern and how he need a reminder to do basic stuff, and how he reacts to a reminder.

Bet he did the same for reminders when a juvenile. Never outgrew that juvenile reaction. Or into good habits.

Yes… after the movie was over. Probably when the lights were turned on and the TV was turned off… so she noticed it. She didn’t say anything about her husband’s whereabouts, so I assume he was still sitting right next to it.

And then SHE picked a fight. I’m sorry but you sound quite dense with your take on this situation.

Normal person: Yup, picking it up now.

Psycho person: shut up! Who cares! I like it there! So what!

If someone acted "shocked" (OP's words) over such a minor thing, I would probably be defensive too. "Who cares" would be my response for sure.

+1

OP was 100% in the wrong here. That’s why she came back with the sob story about all of work she does and how mistreated she is. Because she is so far up her own a$$ that it never occurred to her that this little anecdote might reflect poorly on HER.

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad I live with another relaxed person (or slob, YMMV). Yeah, we try to put our dishes in the sink 90% of the time. But once in a while, do we put an empty, kinda clean plate on the couch? Yes we do. Because that’s the awesome part about being an adult, no one is going to yell at you because you ate ice cream for dinner this one time, or stayed up late, or put a dish on the sofa (that you paid for).

I get it, if he’s a gross pig making messes he expects you to clean up, or a weird hoarder & you have mouse droppings everywhere, then yeah, drop the hammer on this idiot. But if he puts an empty plate on the sofa until the end of the movie…that seems within the boundaries of permissible for a responsible adult. And if I were a responsible adult & had a spouse policing my activities to this degree, I’d be annoyed. Why can’t you chill a little & enjoying the perks of being a grownup in your own damn house? There is no law against putting an empty plate on the couch for 45 minutes. Live a little!

[Anonymous]

And what kind of message does this send the kids?
That you don’t have to be perfect, in your own home with your family, 100% of the time. It’s okay. Yes, putting your plate away is the goal. If you screw that up because you were really into the movie, and you put it away after the movie is over, that’s okay.
Believe me, I grew up in a family where that was not okay. Putting a dish on the sofa was sacrilegious. Guess what was not enjoyable? Movie nights in the sacred sofa. Or, frankly, many family experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Reading comprehension is at an all time low here. It isn’t about one single plate.

Isn’t it interesting how she didn’t talk about the alleged imbalance in her original post. She spent paragraphs talking about a single plate. Only after posted disagreed did she mention the balance. Based on her posts, I am not that there is an imbalance rather OP thinking she has to take on all tasks
Bc her DH doesn’t do everything her way on her timeframe.

[Anonymous]

Wow please divorce him so he can find a normal woman to have a life with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use paper plates for pizza night.

See how easy this is?

Doesn’t matter. Leaving dirty plates on the couch is as easy and lazy as it gets. Paper plates, correlle, stoneware. Just leave it there. Easy peasy.

[Anonymous]

Clearing your spot after a meal is pretty basic house rule around the globe.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, when you are divorced you will literally do everything in your own home. Is that what you want?

I GUARANTEE your kids will prefer Dad's house.

Get your anxiety and possible OCD addressed medically. Life will likely look quite different when you do.

I grew up with a mom like you and it was not happy. Even "fun" things were tense. None of us see her much now. Her untreated anxiety got worse with age and it destroys relationships.

If OP got divorced she wouldn’t have to clean up behind DH anymore. Sounds like less work to me.

OP is a bad mom who has made even the "rare" family movie night tense over a plate and wakes up raring to attack to ruin breakfast too.

This. And all because a plate with a presumably clean bottom was set on a couch. Ffs.

If OP was not married to someone like her DH who refuses to engage in a way that increases conflict and drives anxiety she would be divorced.

He is an adult. The kids are living walking on eggshells waiting for mom to blow. ALL THE TIME. Even on the "rare" family movie & pizza nights. What an absolutely shitty childhood for them. The seething, bean counting and lashing out. DH may stay to protect the kids.

It is overwhelmingly likely that OP makes extra work/busy work. The whole family would benefit from her getting diagnosed and treated, whether it is anxiety, ADD, OCD, or a mix. But, as long as she is fixated on DH bad, nothing will change. The waking up still enraged about trivialities is scary. No sense of proportion or of valuing the "rare" family movie night experience instead.

Don't know how old you are OP but peri and menopause will make your issues worse.

If you want to alienate your kids, keep on. If you want to have relationships with them as adults, see a psychiatrist and be honest. You need meds. And if you have past trauma driving the need for control, try EMDR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad I live with another relaxed person (or slob, YMMV). Yeah, we try to put our dishes in the sink 90% of the time. But once in a while, do we put an empty, kinda clean plate on the couch? Yes we do. Because that’s the awesome part about being an adult, no one is going to yell at you because you ate ice cream for dinner this one time, or stayed up late, or put a dish on the sofa (that you paid for).

I get it, if he’s a gross pig making messes he expects you to clean up, or a weird hoarder & you have mouse droppings everywhere, then yeah, drop the hammer on this idiot. But if he puts an empty plate on the sofa until the end of the movie…that seems within the boundaries of permissible for a responsible adult. And if I were a responsible adult & had a spouse policing my activities to this degree, I’d be annoyed. Why can’t you chill a little & enjoying the perks of being a grownup in your own damn house? There is no law against putting an empty plate on the couch for 45 minutes. Live a little!

I genuinely hope this OP is a troll. Because otherwise her kids are having SUCH a sad childhood with her as a mom. No value on shared happy times or connection, just control and lashing out. They love their dad and likely enjoy his company a lot more since he is more relaxed. OP always being at him must also stress them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad I live with another relaxed person (or slob, YMMV). Yeah, we try to put our dishes in the sink 90% of the time. But once in a while, do we put an empty, kinda clean plate on the couch? Yes we do. Because that’s the awesome part about being an adult, no one is going to yell at you because you ate ice cream for dinner this one time, or stayed up late, or put a dish on the sofa (that you paid for).

I get it, if he’s a gross pig making messes he expects you to clean up, or a weird hoarder & you have mouse droppings everywhere, then yeah, drop the hammer on this idiot. But if he puts an empty plate on the sofa until the end of the movie…that seems within the boundaries of permissible for a responsible adult. And if I were a responsible adult & had a spouse policing my activities to this degree, I’d be annoyed. Why can’t you chill a little & enjoying the perks of being a grownup in your own damn house? There is no law against putting an empty plate on the couch for 45 minutes. Live a little!

As long as both people are fine living like that. These are the things you should find out before you marry someone 😂

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad I live with another relaxed person (or slob, YMMV). Yeah, we try to put our dishes in the sink 90% of the time. But once in a while, do we put an empty, kinda clean plate on the couch? Yes we do. Because that’s the awesome part about being an adult, no one is going to yell at you because you ate ice cream for dinner this one time, or stayed up late, or put a dish on the sofa (that you paid for).

I get it, if he’s a gross pig making messes he expects you to clean up, or a weird hoarder & you have mouse droppings everywhere, then yeah, drop the hammer on this idiot. But if he puts an empty plate on the sofa until the end of the movie…that seems within the boundaries of permissible for a responsible adult. And if I were a responsible adult & had a spouse policing my activities to this degree, I’d be annoyed. Why can’t you chill a little & enjoying the perks of being a grownup in your own damn house? There is no law against putting an empty plate on the couch for 45 minutes. Live a little!

I genuinely hope this OP is a troll. Because otherwise her kids are having SUCH a sad childhood with her as a mom. No value on shared happy times or connection, just control and lashing out. They love their dad and likely enjoy his company a lot more since he is more relaxed. OP always being at him must also stress them out.

Just for the record, you can put dishes away AND also be chill. Being tidy doesn’t mean you’re an uptight *ss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad I live with another relaxed person (or slob, YMMV). Yeah, we try to put our dishes in the sink 90% of the time. But once in a while, do we put an empty, kinda clean plate on the couch? Yes we do. Because that’s the awesome part about being an adult, no one is going to yell at you because you ate ice cream for dinner this one time, or stayed up late, or put a dish on the sofa (that you paid for).

I get it, if he’s a gross pig making messes he expects you to clean up, or a weird hoarder & you have mouse droppings everywhere, then yeah, drop the hammer on this idiot. But if he puts an empty plate on the sofa until the end of the movie…that seems within the boundaries of permissible for a responsible adult. And if I were a responsible adult & had a spouse policing my activities to this degree, I’d be annoyed. Why can’t you chill a little & enjoying the perks of being a grownup in your own damn house? There is no law against putting an empty plate on the couch for 45 minutes. Live a little!

I genuinely hope this OP is a troll. Because otherwise her kids are having SUCH a sad childhood with her as a mom. No value on shared happy times or connection, just control and lashing out. They love their dad and likely enjoy his company a lot more since he is more relaxed. OP always being at him must also stress them out.

Just for the record, you can put dishes away AND also be chill. Being tidy doesn’t mean you’re an uptight *ss.

Being “shocked” and enraged for 12+ hours that someone ELSE didn’t IMMEDIATELY put dishes away DOES mean that you are an uptight *ss, however. Just for the record.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use paper plates for pizza night.

See how easy this is?

And hire a daily maid to follow your husband around and dispose of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad I live with another relaxed person (or slob, YMMV). Yeah, we try to put our dishes in the sink 90% of the time. But once in a while, do we put an empty, kinda clean plate on the couch? Yes we do. Because that’s the awesome part about being an adult, no one is going to yell at you because you ate ice cream for dinner this one time, or stayed up late, or put a dish on the sofa (that you paid for).

I get it, if he’s a gross pig making messes he expects you to clean up, or a weird hoarder & you have mouse droppings everywhere, then yeah, drop the hammer on this idiot. But if he puts an empty plate on the sofa until the end of the movie…that seems within the boundaries of permissible for a responsible adult. And if I were a responsible adult & had a spouse policing my activities to this degree, I’d be annoyed. Why can’t you chill a little & enjoying the perks of being a grownup in your own damn house? There is no law against putting an empty plate on the couch for 45 minutes. Live a little!

I genuinely hope this OP is a troll. Because otherwise her kids are having SUCH a sad childhood with her as a mom. No value on shared happy times or connection, just control and lashing out. They love their dad and likely enjoy his company a lot more since he is more relaxed. OP always being at him must also stress them out.

Just for the record, you can put dishes away AND also be chill. Being tidy doesn’t mean you’re an uptight *ss.

Being “shocked” and enraged for 12+ hours that someone ELSE didn’t IMMEDIATELY put dishes away DOES mean that you are an uptight *ss, however. Just for the record.

And then HE WOKE UP AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. That monster.