My niece just screwed herself

[Anonymous]

Yes. Class is all about getting what's coming to you, and making sure people pay for it if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screwed herself out of what, exactly? The wedding was the only big gift nieces can hope to get. It’s not like you were going to put $10k in her kids’ 529s next.

So many people are saying things like I am unhinged. I am not. I still love her and always will, just she screwed herself out of my future generosity.

You are not generous. You are gift giving with the expectation of something in return. You also sound very old and frankly norms around thank you notes have changed.

I don't think norms on thank you notes have changed. Some send them out in 1-2 months and at a baby shower some millenials were joking that they'd get a thank you note from x while y's waiting for her child to write them. No notes for baby 1 and that was a sprinkle-everyone still gave gifts. No big deal-love her anyway. Sometimes calls us on facetiime which is fun.

OP is off base on not giving anything else ever. Call me a merry boomer gifter. Just happy to have my lovely nieces and a great niece in law !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 49. I’ve taught DD13 that not only do you send a thank you note, you take the time to tell the person something about the gift that you especially like or what you plan on spending the money on. It is the polite, grateful thing to do.

OP, you are justified in feeling miffed for not being acknowledged for an incredibly generous gift.

This. Someone with some class.

Tell me: is it “classy” to ruin a relationship with a younger relative when they make an etiquette faux pas?

Yes or no. Yes or no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 49. I’ve taught DD13 that not only do you send a thank you note, you take the time to tell the person something about the gift that you especially like or what you plan on spending the money on. It is the polite, grateful thing to do.

OP, you are justified in feeling miffed for not being acknowledged for an incredibly generous gift.

This. Someone with some class.

Tell me: is it “classy” to ruin a relationship with a younger relative when they make an etiquette faux pas?

Yes or no. Yes or no.

OP isn't ruining the relationship; she's just thinking she won't send more presents. And lots of people have said her niece probably doesn't want her presents anyway, so what's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 49. I’ve taught DD13 that not only do you send a thank you note, you take the time to tell the person something about the gift that you especially like or what you plan on spending the money on. It is the polite, grateful thing to do.

OP, you are justified in feeling miffed for not being acknowledged for an incredibly generous gift.

This. Someone with some class.

Tell me: is it “classy” to ruin a relationship with a younger relative when they make an etiquette faux pas?

Yes or no. Yes or no.

OP isn't ruining the relationship; she's just thinking she won't send more presents. And lots of people have said her niece probably doesn't want her presents anyway, so what's the problem?

Her original post did not say “so I am not sending more presents,” she said “I am done,” which means she’s done with the relationship. And there’s not a lot of room to argue otherwise when the thread title is that the niece “screwed herself.” Rather over-the-top…

[Anonymous]

I am also shocked at all the people who don’t send thanks you notes.

It is a shame that parents don’t start this early. It shows appreciation for someone taking the time/ spend their resources for them.

It takes DC 2-3” to write a thanks you note. That is a good return on investment for even a $20 gift. not to mention the benefit of practicing gratitude, which is an important part of happiness.

No thank you for a wedding gift of $1000?? Just plain rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These insane aunties are the exact reason I made sure we did our thank yous the week after the wedding!!!!

Not even joking!! Yall Crazy!

And somehow you survived spending a couple of hours thinking about someone besides yourself!

Crazy!

You sound old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s the groom’s responsibility to write the thank you notes.

Also, you sound hateful and as another PP said, I’d want my aunt to write me off too if I knew she was talking about me the way you are talking about your niece.

This. Imagine running to the internet for attention (and to make manipulative declarations to total strangers) about this. Great Aunt Louise needs a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's something really twisted about this whole thing. You're mad you couldn't buy affection and attention. Instead of sitting around stewing over that, why don't you reach out to have a meaningful relationship with your niece? Ask her out to lunch and inquire about married life? Invite her and her new husband to stay with you for a nice weekend?

You are choosing to live the shallowest possible life.

If the niece can't be bothered to say thank you for $1000, she's not going to have time for lunch with OP.

I'm sure she'd accept a free weekend at OP's house, though -- assuming it's in an interesting area and the amenities are top quality.

Yawwwwnnnnnn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Literally no one is saying it’s totally fine not to say thank you.

Literally most of the posts on here are saying exactly that -- that OP is trying "buy affection" because she expected a thank you from her niece.

Saying thank you into thin air while you endorse the check doesn't count.

Another WHOOSH for you! Literally no one is saying it is totally fine for niece to not say thank you. Everyone agrees that the niece is wrong. But the aunt’s bitter freakout is petty, graceless and tacky. And that’s worse than the niece forgetting to thank her.

The aunt isn't bitter or freaking out. She's just disappointed or maybe disgusted with her niece even though she still loves her. The so-called freak out consists of her deciding not to give her any more gifts. You are overreacting because you are relating more to the niece's mistake than the aunt's justified complaint. Posting her reaction on DCUM isn't any more than a minor vent. It might be petty, graceless and tacky if she was broadcasting to her whole extended family so they would side with her but I bet she's not doing that because she decided to vent on DCUM instead. Like lots of people do when they don't want to complain in real life to people they care about.

I imagine that many people on DCUM are more experienced with forgetting to say thank you than they are with giving a nice gift and not getting a thank you. That's why they are defending the niece and insulting the aunt.

No. The niece should say "thank you," unquestionably. It's ungrateful and unkind not to. But there are a thousand reasons why this might have happened, and not all of them have anything to do with poor intent or deliberate slight on her part.

However, there is a palpable satisfaction to the first post of this thread, and even moreso the title. She "just screwed herself" -- there's a glee there. It's ugly. There is no interpretation that doesn't make the sentiment ugly. That is what you are hearing.

Nailed it. End of thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable to assume that not sending a thank you indicates that the recipient didn't want whatever you sent but didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so. The kind and tactful thing to do is not to send any more gifts.

Oh, grow so very much up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it that it’s disappointing. I sent my nephew and his wife a generous wedding gift a few years ago after not even being invited to the wedding because it was very small. We never received a thank you but I know they received it because it was cashed. Fast forward to 2020 and I sent a baby gift. Zero acknowledgement. I decided I was done but then baby 2 came along recently and I broke down and gave a gift. I know there will be no thank you. It sucks to not only not get a note but not even get a quick text or phone call.

I am the OP and this probably what will happen. I'm just a little disappointed right now that it wasn't acknowledged when I thought it was something they would appreciate. I get it, young people don't feel it is necessary. I love her no matter what and the lack of a thank you isn't going to change that.

Oh, OP, this isn’t what “a little disappointed” looks like. Hint: a “little disappointed” does look like screeching to total strangers on the Internet, saying a young woman you allegedly love “screwed herself” out of favor with you, and how you are done.” It is adorable to watch you backpedal, but just so you know “a little disappointed” is an internal feeling, a shrug, and an internal vow to move on in the same moment the disapointment came.

You need therapy if you think that what you have done so far is be “a little disappointed.”

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find DCUM amusing. There’s a huge generational divide in it. Anyone over the age of 50 or so can’t catch a break. They’re derided as “boomers” when they lodge any complaint.

I totally get the posters who say that OP is making too big a deal out of this. I don’t understand the posters who say that the OP is terrible for expecting a thank you note in the first place, though. Those are the rules of the game and everybody knows it. You throw a formal wedding, you invite people, they send gifts - you thank them. Otherwise you don’t have a formal wedding. It’s not “old fashioned” or selfish to expect a thank you note man. C’mon.

We threw three very nice weddings for three of our daughters. Paid for everything. You’re damned right our girls sent thank you notes.

We recently attended a wedding of the daughter of old friends in another state. It wasn’t a fancy wedding or anything, but it was nice. We made the decision to spend only one night in the hotel instead of two so we could give the newlyweds a little more money. We gave them $500, which I’m guessing was on the higher end of what they received given the wedding. A few months later we got a postcard from them with their picture and a generic “thank you for your gift.” It wasn’t personalized at all. Even the address was a printed label, and they didn’t even sign it. Not a single printed word. I remember thinking “why bother,” ha ha, but I’m not cutting the couple off! I was just very surprised is all.

You “don’t understand” that because THEY AREN’T SAYING THAT.

-GenXer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

If you gave the gift because you wanted a thank you it was not a gift.

Gifts do not require return on investment

You are seriously a jerk and this is a nothing burger

Hi, niece! You are an ill-mannered and poorly bred jerk. You can return the gift if you cannot write the thank you note. A thank-you note is a very small courtesy for a wedding gift.

I’m so embarrassed for you that you use phrases like “poorly bred.” Your generation (and yes, it’s your generation, even if you try to deny it now on an anonymous message board) and its staid, rigid ideals is on its way out, and good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Nope, a vent would be “I’m hurt that my niece did not acknowledge my gift.” What OP is doing is not venting. It is relishing in a bad feeling. It is milking an opportunity to “screw over” a niece. Disgusting. And pathetic. But then again, OP knows full well she is disgusting and pathetic.

What you've written here is a far better example of the "relishing" you've described. Yikes.

No, it is a perfect summation of the OP.

DP