Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

"The first PP apparently has a black and white view of the world. They don't understand that most family situations are more fluid, and needs come and go."

But that's the thing. Things can change. The parent could leave more to the child who has less thinking this is the way to adjust for what they think will be a lifetime of unequal resources. But within a blink of an eye, the child with more could be struck with cancer and unable to continue working. Their spouse could run off and leave them with debt. I have a family member whose shabby piece of land has oil on it. Surprise! And now they're rich.

[Anonymous]

I guess this is why my parents don’t tell us what’s on their will. The OP seems mean and greedy to be so focused on something that isn’t theirs. I hope to God my children aren’t like this.

It seems the mom’s decision is about who NEEDS her money more. I don’t see anything wrong with that. OP should be thankful they are successful and independent and don’t live like the brother. Of course it stings at first to know you are getting less, but you were never entitled to her money in the first place. Focus on what you are thankful for about your mother, instead of her stuff.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get why the expectation of equal inheritance would be there in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why the expectation of equal inheritance would be there in the first place.

Because they're your children and should be equal -or least appear to be so- in your eyes. And when you treat them differently you're telling them they're not equal. One deserves or is worth more. Regardless of your intentions, that is what your communicating to them. And it's shi---y. I can tell you that, if that were the case for me, I'd be hurt and angry. And I'd having nothing else to do with them if that's how they valued me. So be prepared for it to go both ways.

[Anonymous]

Every good financial advisor and accountant will tell you that you need to make it equal if you want some sort of family harmony, unless say you have a child with severe special needs or something. As has been pointed out, one child may seem better off than another, but one major illness or emergency can change all that.

In most of the cases I have heard of and even in my own extended family-in functional, healthy families, the parents chose to keep things equal and even made sure the child who was there for them was paid during that time for missed work, etc. In dysfunctional families there is all sorts of unfairness and even siblings who liked eachother sometimes find their relationships fall apart in the aftermath.

Time again people on here rant about how parents can do what they want and children are so greedy and time again any expert will tell you to keep things equal for the sake of harmony and basic decency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every good financial advisor and accountant will tell you that you need to make it equal if you want some sort of family harmony, unless say you have a child with severe special needs or something. As has been pointed out, one child may seem better off than another, but one major illness or emergency can change all that.

In most of the cases I have heard of and even in my own extended family-in functional, healthy families, the parents chose to keep things equal and even made sure the child who was there for them was paid during that time for missed work, etc. In dysfunctional families there is all sorts of unfairness and even siblings who liked eachother sometimes find their relationships fall apart in the aftermath.

Time again people on here rant about how parents can do what they want and children are so greedy and time again any expert will tell you to keep things equal for the sake of harmony and basic decency.

Agree. My maternal grandparents went to great lengths to make things equal with six children and their family farm. A few of the siblings could have used more money and they may have been helped out in small ways, but the overall sense was of an equal division of the assets. What that also seeded was at least two more generations focused on acting equitably within and across families. And I can now see this in the next generation of my kids, cousins' kids, etc.

Was much less the case on my dad's side with a greedy older sister who picked over everything in her mother's house with her daughter and DiL and then called my dad and their middle sister and told them they could come over. She believed she was entitled to do so for x, y, z reason. Not cool.

DH's sibling is arguing to inherit cash assets only and leave the real estate to DH because they don't want to be bothered with selling it as "he is good at stuff like that." For a long time, his parents said nothing, but now seems like MiL is largely in agreement. Yes, the sibling does not have as much as we do, but does live a comfortable life in a nice home, etc. DH doesn't like to make waves, but has confided on a couple of occasions that feels like sibling is being rewarded for having waited ten years to begin saving for retirement, then right when they started a family.

[Anonymous]

Repeat after me OP: I AM NOT ENTITLED TO MY PARENTS' MONEY. THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT WITH IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why the expectation of equal inheritance would be there in the first place.

Because they're your children and should be equal -or least appear to be so- in your eyes. And when you treat them differently you're telling them they're not equal. One deserves or is worth more. Regardless of your intentions, that is what your communicating to them. And it's shi---y. I can tell you that, if that were the case for me, I'd be hurt and angry. And I'd having nothing else to do with them if that's how they valued me. So be prepared for it to go both ways.

Considering they'd be dead, it's probably not a huge issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every good financial advisor and accountant will tell you that you need to make it equal if you want some sort of family harmony, unless say you have a child with severe special needs or something. As has been pointed out, one child may seem better off than another, but one major illness or emergency can change all that.

In most of the cases I have heard of and even in my own extended family-in functional, healthy families, the parents chose to keep things equal and even made sure the child who was there for them was paid during that time for missed work, etc. In dysfunctional families there is all sorts of unfairness and even siblings who liked eachother sometimes find their relationships fall apart in the aftermath.

Time again people on here rant about how parents can do what they want and children are so greedy and time again any expert will tell you to keep things equal for the sake of harmony and basic decency.

Financial advisors and accountants may be experts at financial matters, but I've never heard that they are expert in interpersonal relationships or family counseling. Did they add a degree component about which I'm not aware? Maybe some CLE requirements?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Repeat after me OP: I AM NOT ENTITLED TO MY PARENTS' MONEY. THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT WITH IT.

Sure but there will be life-long ramifications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why the expectation of equal inheritance would be there in the first place.

Because they're your children and should be equal -or least appear to be so- in your eyes. And when you treat them differently you're telling them they're not equal. One deserves or is worth more. Regardless of your intentions, that is what your communicating to them. And it's shi---y. I can tell you that, if that were the case for me, I'd be hurt and angry. And I'd having nothing else to do with them if that's how they valued me. So be prepared for it to go both ways.

Considering they'd be dead, it's probably not a huge issue.

Obviously I meant if I knew ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Repeat after me OP: I AM NOT ENTITLED TO MY PARENTS' MONEY. THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT WITH IT.

I don't completely disagree, but I think it depends. A lot of parents' money is inherited. I know in my family that millions were passed down with the express wishes that it further their children, grandchildren, great grandchildren. So to the extent that someone inherits money, then leaves it all to a step mom who then leaves it to her unrelated kids, that's not right. Or when two parents have a trust, the mom died, dad remarries and the dad dissolves the trust and gives all the money to step kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents have quietly confided to me that they have changed their will so I will inherit substantially more than my sister. 3 to 1. They don't like her second husband and are afraid he will waste her inheritance. I can't disagree with that perspective.

Will be interesting when sister finds out in due time. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have quietly confided to me that they have changed their will so I will inherit substantially more than my sister. 3 to 1. They don't like her second husband and are afraid he will waste her inheritance. I can't disagree with that perspective.

Will be interesting when sister finds out in due time. Oh well.

You should share whatever extra you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Repeat after me OP: I AM NOT ENTITLED TO MY PARENTS' MONEY. THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT WITH IT.

I don't completely disagree, but I think it depends. A lot of parents' money is inherited. I know in my family that millions were passed down with the express wishes that it further their children, grandchildren, great grandchildren. So to the extent that someone inherits money, then leaves it all to a step mom who then leaves it to her unrelated kids, that's not right. Or when two parents have a trust, the mom died, dad remarries and the dad dissolves the trust and gives all the money to step kids.

Most families aren’t handing down millions of dollars. You need a dose of reality.