How to be the best mom in this situation
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Anonymous
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Last week my middle school DD said some harsh (curse) words to another girl (first incident). Very irresponble and immature of her!
The other girl reported her through a bully investigation form. I was called; school did an investigation and found my DD guilty. School informed other parents of the incident in such a way that my DD's friends know of the incident and her as the bully without all the details. So, yesterday she had a hard time responding to others who assumed the worst things she did. I am mad at her actions (so trying to act tough), but also conflicted with feeling that the school should have protected my DD's identity (feel bad that she is the subject of ridicule at school now beacuse of one incident). How do I handle it, without looking like condoning her mistake? |
Anonymous
| If I were you I would suggest to your daughter that she say to the other kids, "You are right. I made a really bad choice and acted as a bully. But now you are bullying me and that is just as bad." I wouldn't intervene with the school at this point because dealing with this push back could be a good deterent for your DD in the future. |
Anonymous
| Irresponsible and immature? What about mean? Advise your DD to be --and sound -- contrite with her friends about the incident. |
Anonymous
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That's a tough situation -- seems to be an example of one of these "zero tolerance" policies gone awry. We need to protect victims of bullies but we need to also assess what's going on, address behavior, and not label kids permanently.
Did the school inform the parents of the other girl, or multiple "other parents"? How did the other kids find out?Are there consequences for your daughter imposed by the school? Did a counselor speak to both girls or otherwise intervene? I think I would talk to my child about her actions and words and how she can make it right through an apology, etc. The sooner she can face up to her own actions and accept responsibility, the sooner she and the other girls can get past this. Maybe you could help her with a ready response to the others who assume the worst -- "I said some mean things to X, I made a mistake and I've apologized. X has accepted my apology so let's move on." My child made a similar mistake as a fifth grader and we were horrified at his behavior. It was uncharacteristic and he immediately was regretful. The school imposed punishment at the request of the parents that we thought was out of proportion and harsh, so it was hard to walk that line of making our son complete his punishment and show our support for consequences without contributing to the shame and disproportionate reaction that came from the school. |
Anonymous
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It's a teaching moment, isn't it? People will view you through what you do, not necessarily who you are inside. |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately these situations often take on a life of their own and become public in spite of efforts to maintain confidentiality. OP, you are right to maintain a hard line at home about you DD's behavior. She needs to understand that what she did was inappropriate and unkind. You might think about placing a call to the guidance counselor to ask if he or she can help your DD navigate the current charged atmosphere. Your DD is probably having a tough time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but hopefully she has learned a valuable lesson. It probably won't be long until the next behavioral incident at school will distract everyone. |
Anonymous
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Yes it has been extremely hard for us that she acted disrespectful and mean. I have spoken with her from the persepctive of the other girl. School informed parents of the class incident through a letter. Same day in her class (where students chose their own seat) she was asked to be in an assigned desk (she is required to be in the assigned desk in that class for 3 weeks) and the teacher spoke to the class that a bully incident has happended in this particular class and the student involved has received the consequences. However apologizing is not an option I have put forth since the parents of the other girl are very mad and requesting the school for much severe consequences to set an example. I agree that this is a "no tolerance" situation going awary. I have suggested to her to own the responsibility when her friends ask, however she beleives there are many more friends who would not ask and assume! I am confused about how to guide her, since I do not want to set an example to act victim when this situation started with my DD's mistake! |
Anonymous
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The school sent a letter to ALL the parents in the class informing them that their had been a bullying incident? And it was that your DD said some curse words and insulted the other child -- that's the extent of it? Was this MCPS? That seems really disproportionate and counter-productive.
Have you tried talking to the counselor and principal about how to manage this situation? Were there other consequences besides an assigned seat? I might disagree that apologizing is not an option. She could write a letter to the other girl and send it to her via the counselor. |
Anonymous
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Yes DD insulted this other girl by using one curse word during her interaction with (DD was upset that the girl sat on a desk where she wanted to be, for whatever reason)... the other girl's parent reported through bullying & harrassment investigation form to the school. Yes it is a MCPS middle school. School sent letters to all parents and the teacher distributed letters in the class and spoke to the class.
I have not talked to the Principal or the counsellor about this yet (since I am not sure yet that it would be best course of action). I like your idea about apologizing through the counselor... will look into it. Do not want to eccalate the situation since the other girl's parents are coming very hard. |
Anonymous
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Went through a similar situation with DS. Well, this will be a teaching moment in that she will understand that sometimes incidents like this do take on a life of their own and you cannot always predict the consequences. That lesson will serve her well later in her teen years. So I applaud you for not flipping to the victim side.
However, this does sound like my situation in that the school is trying to prove to everyone that it is tough on bullies. In my incident, the school created all this hoopla around its new anti-bullying policy (because of a bad incident the prior year) and my DS was one of the first kids subject to it. He had just lost his grandmother and we stupidly sent him to school when we knew he was emotional. A girl said something catty to him and he threatened to punch her if she did not get away from him. YIKES! Teacher reported it and off we went. We dealt with it at home in that he lost most of his privileges for about 2 weeks, had to do extra chores and we talked to him at length about it. Although his name was not put out there at school, all of the kids knew because the girl told people and his punishment was very obvious – had to sit at the “bad table” for lunch, could not participate in afterschool stuff for a month, etc. It was tough on him because he had always been considered a good citizen there. In fact, the teacher that reported the incident later told DH that she wishes she would have handled it more discretly as a classroom issue. Honestly, it took a couple of months for things to get back to normal. What we did was express our view in writing to the principal that a “one size fits all” approach was not the way to go. Each case had specific facts and those facts need to be taken into account. What my DS did was wrong and he deserved to be punished…but let the punishment fit the crime. In your case, I would continue to take a hard line with DD about unintended consequences to stupid actions. But I would also engage a counselor and principal about the backlash to DD as a result of the public shaming that is part of the process. |
Anonymous
| Public shaming ... that's the perfect word for it. SO counterproductive for everyone concerned, particularly if it's a first incident for a kid who has otherwise had good behavior. |
Anonymous
OP, I wouldn't assume that the school didn't protect your DD's identity. The school can't stop the other girl from talking and I would bet that's how it became known that your DD was the perpetrator. Also, given that her consequence is to sit in an assigned seat for three weeks, I'm not sure how the school could have protected her identity. I know you feel that this is an example of zero tolerance gone awry. But, middle school is known for kids getting out of control with bullying and the schools need to take a hard line. I also don't believe you provided us with enough information to conclude that it was zero tolerance gone awry - such as did your daughter yell at a timid kid who has been a prior victim of others. Or is your daughter threatening in any way. Or is she much bigger than other kids so that her words would come across as scarier. So that leave you with where to go from here. If I were in your shoes, I'd call the guidance counselor. I've received excellent advice from them in helping to navigate MS situations that arise. Or, if you have a trusted assistant principal, he or she might be a good person to speak with. Your daughter is not the first person that they will have seen in this situation. |
Anonymous
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Okay, a student sat on or at a desk. On a desk? That's inappropriate. Your daughter used ONE curse word? And the other student files a bullying complaint? That's not bullying. That's an altercation. Very different things. The teacher telegraphed it was your daughter by assigning the seat.
Teens make mistakes. Telling a student to eff off (or whatever she said) is wrong. But the combination of the rush to label your daughter a bully (a form? one incident?) and the public shaming are not ideal. I'd tell you daughter to apologize and to take this as a lesson to never be rude to anyone in the police state that our schools have become again. (I'm assuming your daughter did not use a racial or hate term here. That would change this a bit.) |
Anonymous
| PP brought up a good point, what was the word? Was it an ethnic or racial slur? A threat? If she just said "f#ck off" then the punishment seems extreme. If it was "I will f#ck you up" or a racial slur then the punishment seems more appropriate. So please tell us what exactly she said. |
Anonymous
+1 |