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[quote=Anonymous]Went through a similar situation with DS. Well, this will be a teaching moment in that she will understand that sometimes incidents like this do take on a life of their own and you cannot always predict the consequences.  That lesson will serve her well later in her teen years. So I applaud you for not flipping to the victim side.

However, this does sound like my situation in that the school is trying to prove to everyone that it is tough on bullies.  In my incident, the school created all this hoopla around its new anti-bullying policy (because of a bad incident the prior year) and my DS was one of the first kids subject to it. He had just lost his grandmother and we stupidly sent him to school when we knew he was emotional.  A girl said something catty to him and he threatened to punch her if she did not get away from him.  YIKES!  Teacher reported it and off we went. We dealt with it at home in that he lost most of his privileges for about 2 weeks, had to do extra chores and we talked to him at length about it.  Although his name was not put out there at school, all of the kids knew because the girl told people and his punishment was very obvious – had to sit at the “bad table” for lunch, could not participate in afterschool stuff for a month, etc.  It was tough on him because he had always been considered a good citizen there.  In fact, the teacher that reported the incident later told DH that she wishes she would have handled it more discretly as a classroom issue. Honestly, it took a couple of months for things to get back to normal.

What we did was express our view in writing to the principal that a “one size fits all” approach was not the way to go.  Each case had specific facts and those facts need to be taken into account.  What my DS did was wrong and he deserved to be punished…but let the punishment fit the crime. In your case, I would continue to take a hard line with DD about unintended consequences to stupid actions.  But I would also engage a counselor and principal about the backlash to DD as a result of the public shaming that is part of the process. 
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