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Older Moms with Babies-Why?
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Anonymous
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I used to live in DC and went to the park with DD, at first I often could not tell if the caretaker was the mom or the grandma. After talking for awhile I realized that it was always the mom, no grandmas around. The thread about age reminds me of a question I always have, but is WAY too personal for an audience other than an annoymous form like this.
Why do moms often wait until their late 30s or early 40s to have kids? Is it that you are married later in life and it just works out that way, or is it a concious decision to have kids at an older age? Is it the career? Personally, I met my husband when I was 20 and married him at 26. I actually wish we had started a family right away. I want 3 kids, and even though I am only 34 with a older toddler, and one on the way I feel a rush now to have them back to back to squeeze it all in before I get too old. If I'd of had my first at 27, I might even have been able to have 4 kids at a liesurly pace. It's not only that, but even the toll on my body and the thought of having teens into my 50s is not someting I really want to do. I also think if you get kids out of the way early, it is much easier to enter back into the work force if you decide to take time off. At 26, I always thought I was not ready. After I had my 1st at 30, I realize that I could have easily have handled it a few years earlier. |
Anonymous
| Why would you think a woman in her early forties with a child was a grandmother? You seem terribly mean spirited and self-congratulatory. |
Anonymous
| for me it was (1) wanting to hold off starting a family until i'd finished grad school so i knew i would be in a position to support my family financially, (2) first child was stillborn, (3) infertility. |
Anonymous
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Why does anyone need to understand the timing of someone else's family?
There are advantages and disadvantages to starting early or starting late. We all face questions about financial stability or energy versus emotional maturity or whatever. Why don't we leave it at, everyone has a different answer about what works for their family? |
Anonymous
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OP: You are odious.
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Anonymous
I agree- and I would add that you're pretty immature to ask this- hey- not everyone is like you and has your thinking or lifestyle.. it's like this with EVERYTHING in life- why just focus on this one aspect of life? to pat yourself on the back on what a great choice you made? i think questions like this are disguised as "I really want to know" when the answer is so obviously- not everyone is the same and like you and your choices- and if you don't know that by now- you have a lot of growing up to do.. |
Anonymous
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Personally, I met my husband when I was 20 and married him at 26. I actually wish we had started a family right away. I want 3 kids, and even though I am only 34 with a older toddler, and one on the way I feel a rush now to have them back to back to squeeze it all in before I get too old. If I'd of had my first at 27, I might even have been able to have 4 kids at a liesurly pace. It's not only that, but even the toll on my body and the thought of having teens into my 50s is not someting I really want to do. I also think if you get kids out of the way early, it is much easier to enter back into the work force if you decide to take time off. At 26, I always thought I was not ready. After I had my 1st at 30, I realize that I could have easily have handled it a few years earlier.
OP has such a view on her choices that she really can't understand anyone that doesn't think or live like she does- get over it OP- and I hope you don't live in my neighborhood/etc.. |
Anonymous
| I wanted to live my life as a single gal, then a married without kids woman for a while before having babies. Nothing wrong with that, and I am glad I did it. My experiences in living my life as I desired before pouring my life into my children was a concious choice and I have no regrets. |
Anonymous
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I am a better mom than I would have been way back when - calmer, more mature, much more self-confident. I had 17 great years with DH before becoming a mom so have no regrets about what might have been had we not been tied down. I was more secure in my career, and when I decided to give up that career to play with my kids I knew exactly what I was giving up. We are in much better shape financially now than then and struggle to give the kids a sense of how lucky they are to have so much, rather than struggling to provide for them, as we would have then.
It may not be the right thing for everyone, but it was right for us. You don't need to question my decision. |
Anonymous
Bravo. |
Anonymous
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I was 42 when I had my first child, my son. We're financially secure, have well established careers. I don't understand why 20 something year olds have children!
I don't know what park you were going to-but there are so many moms in their 40s with young children. We're everywhere! I agree with a PP-you're very immature-for being 34. |
Anonymous
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I waited until I was older and wish I hadn't. I got married pretty young (31) and husband was ready almost from start of marriage, so I know it was me holding things up, and think I must have just been scared.
I think maybe I thought "my" life was going to be over once I had kids. My mom was a stay-at-home mom and she had us very young and in describing her life there was definitely a nostalgia in talking about her "before-kids" self that must have made a deep impression on me. I think I probably also had some concern about children making me more dependent on my husband (again, probably fears from watching a stay-at-home mom with not equal power in the marriage.) I also don't think it helped that at the time most of my friends were not even married yet and only 2 had kids and they were both a few years older than me. So I think living in DC actually creates a feeling that you are younger than you are because people do generally wait longer. My GYN gave me the "straight stuff" but I didn't listen to her. When I got married she said "Do you want kids?" I said "Yes." She said "So are you trying to get pregnant now?" And I was like "Whoa! I'm only 31! I just got married!" And she said "Let me rephrase that: Do you want more than one child?" And I said yes, I thought I'd like at least two. And she said "You need to start trying now." She said if I only wanted one that I had some time. I didn't listen to her, but I am thankful to her for laying it out like that and not sugarcoating it. She told me she had seen so much "secondary infertility" of women who had 1 baby no problem in mid to late 30's but then could not have a 2d that she wanted me to be aware of that risk if I decided to wait. Once I was finally "ready," I miscarried and so lost some additional time there too. Was very lucky to get pregnant quickly after miscarriage. Tried for No. 2 much sooner than I felt "ready" because after miscarriage I realized pregnancy doesn't just happen once you're ready. OB had tried to warn me about this, but until I had the miscarriage I just don't think I got it. I wish someone had sat me down and just told me the absolute joy of parenthood as I think that might have gotten me moving more quickly than the "scare" tactic did. It was like breastfeeding -- I wasn't sure I wanted to do it and all the lectures about the health benefits never convinced me and then someone told me "Your baby is inside you right now, but when they come out you will miss having them that close to you. Breastfeeding them will be the closest you can feel to them again and you will love how it feels." It was *this* that finally convinced me to at least try it (and of course I did love it). Anyway, now that my kids are here I wish I did have them earlier. I see every year of their lives as so precious and I want to be there for them as long as possible and by waiting I did not do myself any favors in this area, but all I can say is "I just didn't know then what I know now." My husband and I both talk about if there is anything we can do to ensure our kids don't wait as long as we did -- we would like grandchildren before we are 80! Since what's done is done I try to focus on the positives of having waited: I was able financially to take a lot of time off to spend with them, I was established enough in my career to get both long leaves and part-time arrangement which would have been unlikely a few years earlier, my marriage was firmly established when they arrived and I certainly have no nostalgia whatever for my "pre-kids" self. |
Anonymous
| I waited until 37 for first and 40 for second. I was not ready for children before that, I enjoyed being free from any responsibility. It never occurred to me I was waiting too long. Actually OP it is funny you think it is too old, because I see those in their 20's with children too young. I guess to each their own. I traveled, lived on my own for many years for which I am very thankful for, married in my early 30's, travel more with my DH and finally had children. They are the love of my life but I would not change the timing if I could do it again. I would of missed so many things, but just like you I would not of known the difference. I do have a couple of friends that are now feeling a little resentful for the time they did not have in their youth because they married young and had children right away. They are now in the late 30's. |
Anonymous
| OP -- you should be thankful that you met your husband when you were young, were able to get pregnant so quickly when you decided to try, and were able to handle the responsibilities (physical, mental, financial) of being a parent. Not everyone takes the same path, by choice or by fate. |
Anonymous
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For what it's worth, I married at 39 and had my first at 42. That's just the way it was. But, like circumcision, CIO, and breastfeeding -- what's it to you? How does it affect your life?
I hate to break it to you, but you WILL be 40. And guess what, you will still be fertile. |