Is refusing to date or marry outside of your race/culture considered racism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more to do with culture than racism - hard to have a relationship when you have completely different values and attitudes as someone.

+1. I dated an African-American woman, and we got along great (I am while as you would suspect). I never really felt comfortable with her family gatherings, though. Maybe I am racist, but I just could not relate well. This was many years ago and that did not cause our dating to end, but I wonder if it would have if the relationship continued to develop. She also told me she felt out of place with my family. I don't see her as racist. Different families, different races, different cultures, too. I don't know. Maybe we just try to label things too much.

I think this a pretty common experience.

My first H was white and Jewish. He never felt comfortable with my family although it is very racially mixed and welcoming. It was frustrating that my family had Asian immigrant women marry in and feel comfortable with attending predominantly black events, but he never did. I think the bigger issue for us was religion, rather than race. We just didn’t have any glue unfortunately.

I agree. My parents are both black and I saw that they were raised differently with my dad’s family being from the South and moving around as a military family and my mom’s family coming here from Jamaica (my grandparents were raised there) and settling in NYC. My DH is white and I think the fact his mom’s parents grew up in NYC like my mom and that both our moms are teachers gave our families a common bond. We also agree on religion - neither of us are overly religious although we have our kids in religious school.

To some extent though, each person has to be willing to be “the only” when you socialize with friends and families from one side because often our friends and families are the same racial background. To the PP that never felt 100% comfortable with ex-girlfriend’s family and vice-versa, I think ultimately if the relationship had worked out, each of you would have needed to be willing to put the other first as a team. With the PP that was frustrated with Ex-DH, was it that he wasn’t comfortable or that he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t make the effort?

He was uncomfortable and did not make an effort. Eventually, his obvious discomfort offended my family, including other non-black people that had moved in. He was even standoffish with a few of my cousins’ working class White partners.

It was very hard and we had other issues as well, but his attitude was that I should accept attending family events without him. When I took him up on that, he did not want to go at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more to do with culture than racism - hard to have a relationship when you have completely different values and attitudes as someone.

+1. I dated an African-American woman, and we got along great (I am while as you would suspect). I never really felt comfortable with her family gatherings, though. Maybe I am racist, but I just could not relate well. This was many years ago and that did not cause our dating to end, but I wonder if it would have if the relationship continued to develop. She also told me she felt out of place with my family. I don't see her as racist. Different families, different races, different cultures, too. I don't know. Maybe we just try to label things too much.

I think this a pretty common experience.

My first H was white and Jewish. He never felt comfortable with my family although it is very racially mixed and welcoming. It was frustrating that my family had Asian immigrant women marry in and feel comfortable with attending predominantly black events, but he never did. I think the bigger issue for us was religion, rather than race. We just didn’t have any glue unfortunately.

I agree. My parents are both black and I saw that they were raised differently with my dad’s family being from the South and moving around as a military family and my mom’s family coming here from Jamaica (my grandparents were raised there) and settling in NYC. My DH is white and I think the fact his mom’s parents grew up in NYC like my mom and that both our moms are teachers gave our families a common bond. We also agree on religion - neither of us are overly religious although we have our kids in religious school.

To some extent though, each person has to be willing to be “the only” when you socialize with friends and families from one side because often our friends and families are the same racial background. To the PP that never felt 100% comfortable with ex-girlfriend’s family and vice-versa, I think ultimately if the relationship had worked out, each of you would have needed to be willing to put the other first as a team. With the PP that was frustrated with Ex-DH, was it that he wasn’t comfortable or that he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t make the effort?

He was uncomfortable and did not make an effort. Eventually, his obvious discomfort offended my family, including other non-black people that had moved in. He was even standoffish with a few of my cousins’ working class White partners.

It was very hard and we had other issues as well, but his attitude was that I should accept attending family events without him. When I took him up on that, he did not want to go at all.

Should say “married in”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more to do with culture than racism - hard to have a relationship when you have completely different values and attitudes as someone.

+1. I dated an African-American woman, and we got along great (I am while as you would suspect). I never really felt comfortable with her family gatherings, though. Maybe I am racist, but I just could not relate well. This was many years ago and that did not cause our dating to end, but I wonder if it would have if the relationship continued to develop. She also told me she felt out of place with my family. I don't see her as racist. Different families, different races, different cultures, too. I don't know. Maybe we just try to label things too much.

I think this a pretty common experience.

My first H was white and Jewish. He never felt comfortable with my family although it is very racially mixed and welcoming. It was frustrating that my family had Asian immigrant women marry in and feel comfortable with attending predominantly black events, but he never did. I think the bigger issue for us was religion, rather than race. We just didn’t have any glue unfortunately.

I agree. My parents are both black and I saw that they were raised differently with my dad’s family being from the South and moving around as a military family and my mom’s family coming here from Jamaica (my grandparents were raised there) and settling in NYC. My DH is white and I think the fact his mom’s parents grew up in NYC like my mom and that both our moms are teachers gave our families a common bond. We also agree on religion - neither of us are overly religious although we have our kids in religious school.

To some extent though, each person has to be willing to be “the only” when you socialize with friends and families from one side because often our friends and families are the same racial background. To the PP that never felt 100% comfortable with ex-girlfriend’s family and vice-versa, I think ultimately if the relationship had worked out, each of you would have needed to be willing to put the other first as a team. With the PP that was frustrated with Ex-DH, was it that he wasn’t comfortable or that he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t make the effort?

He was uncomfortable and did not make an effort. Eventually, his obvious discomfort offended my family, including other non-black people that had moved in. He was even standoffish with a few of my cousins’ working class White partners.

It was very hard and we had other issues as well, but his attitude was that I should accept attending family events without him. When I took him up on that, he did not want to go at all.

Should say “married in”

Some of this may be personality you know. He sounds just like my Jewish brother in law ... but high families are Jewish. Brother in law wants nothing to do with my side of the family even as his own parents come over to hang out with my parents! Everyone gets along but him. He’s not a bad gu, he’s just clearly rather be playing a video game while everyone else has holiday dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more to do with culture than racism - hard to have a relationship when you have completely different values and attitudes as someone.

+1. I dated an African-American woman, and we got along great (I am while as you would suspect). I never really felt comfortable with her family gatherings, though. Maybe I am racist, but I just could not relate well. This was many years ago and that did not cause our dating to end, but I wonder if it would have if the relationship continued to develop. She also told me she felt out of place with my family. I don't see her as racist. Different families, different races, different cultures, too. I don't know. Maybe we just try to label things too much.

I think this a pretty common experience.

My first H was white and Jewish. He never felt comfortable with my family although it is very racially mixed and welcoming. It was frustrating that my family had Asian immigrant women marry in and feel comfortable with attending predominantly black events, but he never did. I think the bigger issue for us was religion, rather than race. We just didn’t have any glue unfortunately.

I agree. My parents are both black and I saw that they were raised differently with my dad’s family being from the South and moving around as a military family and my mom’s family coming here from Jamaica (my grandparents were raised there) and settling in NYC. My DH is white and I think the fact his mom’s parents grew up in NYC like my mom and that both our moms are teachers gave our families a common bond. We also agree on religion - neither of us are overly religious although we have our kids in religious school.

To some extent though, each person has to be willing to be “the only” when you socialize with friends and families from one side because often our friends and families are the same racial background. To the PP that never felt 100% comfortable with ex-girlfriend’s family and vice-versa, I think ultimately if the relationship had worked out, each of you would have needed to be willing to put the other first as a team. With the PP that was frustrated with Ex-DH, was it that he wasn’t comfortable or that he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t make the effort?

He was uncomfortable and did not make an effort. Eventually, his obvious discomfort offended my family, including other non-black people that had moved in. He was even standoffish with a few of my cousins’ working class White partners.

It was very hard and we had other issues as well, but his attitude was that I should accept attending family events without him. When I took him up on that, he did not want to go at all.

Should say “married in”

Some of this may be personality you know. He sounds just like my Jewish brother in law ... but high families are Jewish. Brother in law wants nothing to do with my side of the family even as his own parents come over to hang out with my parents! Everyone gets along but him. He’s not a bad gu, he’s just clearly rather be playing a video game while everyone else has holiday dinner.

Sorry this should say both families are Jewish.

[Anonymous]

You are required to find a POC or conversely a Karen and get married right away. Get on with it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are anonymous here, I will admit that I would not want my DDs marrying anyone who grew up in a culture where abuse of women and children is common--that certainly includes someone who grew up poor and white (we are white). That stuff is VERY hard to move past. Yes, I realize abuse happens in all parts of society--but it is much more prevalent in certain cultures than others. I would not want them marrying a man who was around it as a child--it's way too engrained.

It’s fine to not want your child to marry someone who grew up in a family with abuse, but abuse is not a part of any “culture” and you are racist if you believe that certain races or ethnicities have a culture than suppers abuse.

—POC married into wealthy white family where ILs tell stories that sound like abuse to me

You don’t know very many people or don’t read much if you don’t think abuse is a cultural phenomenon. Often it’s a class issue, but also it certainly is more present in certain countries, religions, races and ethnicities. Poverty and religion are two MAJOR factors—those align with races/ethnicities, so I’m not saying that the race is the cause, but there is a correlation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is a student at a NE college, and a lot of students will only date/marry their own race or culture, which is surprising to him, being raised here in the dc area, and it started an interesting dinner table conversation yesterday. Im curious what others think.

Is it racism for people to refuse themselves or to refuse to allow their children to date or marry outside their race/culture?

I grew up in the South and although I am not white, my best friend was. Her mother made it known to her that she couldn't date/marry a black individual. Honestly, looking back I don't know how we were allowed to be friends because her mother had certain rigid viewpoints. I guess I was the exception since I was a good influence and friend to her. It was just sort of accepted as a way of thinking in her family. My family NEVER mentioned who I could or could not marry growing up. I guess it is racist but there is something to be said about wanting to keep certain cultural aspects alive that I do understand.

[Anonymous]

A good friend from high school invited me to his wedding many years after graduation. He was white and marrying a black woman. Said to me at the time that he prefers black women. So is he racist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good friend from high school invited me to his wedding many years after graduation. He was white and marrying a black woman. Said to me at the time that he prefers black women. So is he racist?

No. Only a white person or an asian preferring another white or asian is racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about Jewish culture. Coming from a midwestern town that didn’t have much besides Christians - what types of things besides holidays make Jewish people different than Christians? Thanks in advance.

For me, it’s mainly two things. 1. The feeling of being “the other”. 2. Having many, many relatives and family friends who are Holocaust survivors and knowing and remembering them as “normal” people. This may not seem like much, those two things affect my reaction to most aspects of the everyday life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about Jewish culture. Coming from a midwestern town that didn’t have much besides Christians - what types of things besides holidays make Jewish people different than Christians? Thanks in advance.

For me, it’s mainly two things. 1. The feeling of being “the other”. 2. Having many, many relatives and family friends who are Holocaust survivors and knowing and remembering them as “normal” people. This may not seem like much, those two things affect my reaction to most aspects of the everyday life.

Um-the bloodline. Being Jewish is not about holidays.

[Anonymous]

My wife is “Irish by Injection”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good friend from high school invited me to his wedding many years after graduation. He was white and marrying a black woman. Said to me at the time that he prefers black women. So is he racist?

No. Only a white person or an asian preferring another white or asian is racist.

You forgot the “/s”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good friend from high school invited me to his wedding many years after graduation. He was white and marrying a black woman. Said to me at the time that he prefers black women. So is he racist?

No. Only a white person or an asian preferring another white or asian is racist.

why are asians now included?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Refusing to give a person of another race a chance, based solely on their skin color, is absolutely racism.

Exactly this.

I'm not sure how there are like 20 pages of comments here and apparently nobody has realized the distinction between preference and discrimination.

Do you find yourself more attracted to people of your same race physically? Do you find it more comfortable to be with a partner whose culture is more similar to yours? That's completely natural and not racist at all. (Unless the cultural difference causes you to be uncomfortable because you see it as having to partake in an inferior culture)

Would you refuse to date someone who you find physically attractive and emotionally compatible simply because they are a different race? That's racist as hell.

+1000

This