Is refusing to date or marry outside of your race/culture considered racism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is a student at a NE college, and a lot of students will only date/marry their own race or culture, which is surprising to him, being raised here in the dc area, and it started an interesting dinner table conversation yesterday. Im curious what others think.

Is it racism for people to refuse themselves or to refuse to allow their children to date or marry outside their race/culture?

No. It's absolutely natural.

Dating or marrying people of other races is also absolutely natural.
Marrying into a different culture / religion can be a marriage breaker, but you never know. If you willing to try, go ahead.
I was talked out of the marriage with a person of a different religion (Muslim) and boy, am I grateful now.

Stay out of your kids dating (unless they are underage, indeed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to answer your question - its racism.

Wanting to have your children look like you is racism? GFY.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think it's more to do with culture than racism - hard to have a relationship when you have completely different values and attitudes as someone.

+1. I dated an African-American woman, and we got along great (I am while as you would suspect). I never really felt comfortable with her family gatherings, though. Maybe I am racist, but I just could not relate well. This was many years ago and that did not cause our dating to end, but I wonder if it would have if the relationship continued to develop. She also told me she felt out of place with my family. I don't see her as racist. Different families, different races, different cultures, too. I don't know. Maybe we just try to label things too much.

I think this a pretty common experience.

My first H was white and Jewish. He never felt comfortable with my family although it is very racially mixed and welcoming. It was frustrating that my family had Asian immigrant women marry in and feel comfortable with attending predominantly black events, but he never did. I think the bigger issue for us was religion, rather than race. We just didn’t have any glue unfortunately.

I agree. My parents are both black and I saw that they were raised differently with my dad’s family being from the South and moving around as a military family and my mom’s family coming here from Jamaica (my grandparents were raised there) and settling in NYC. My DH is white and I think the fact his mom’s parents grew up in NYC like my mom and that both our moms are teachers gave our families a common bond. We also agree on religion - neither of us are overly religious although we have our kids in religious school.

To some extent though, each person has to be willing to be “the only” when you socialize with friends and families from one side because often our friends and families are the same racial background. To the PP that never felt 100% comfortable with ex-girlfriend’s family and vice-versa, I think ultimately if the relationship had worked out, each of you would have needed to be willing to put the other first as a team. With the PP that was frustrated with Ex-DH, was it that he wasn’t comfortable or that he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t make the effort?

He was uncomfortable and did not make an effort. Eventually, his obvious discomfort offended my family, including other non-black people that had moved in. He was even standoffish with a few of my cousins’ working class White partners.

It was very hard and we had other issues as well, but his attitude was that I should accept attending family events without him. When I took him up on that, he did not want to go at all.

This sounds a personality issue more than anything else. If he was married to another white Jewish person whose family he didn't like for whatever reason, he would've behaved the same way. To the extent race and class (it sounds like he was from a UMC or UC background) was involved, it sounds like he didn't feel like he had to make the same amount of effort to get along his in-laws because he was a white man from a wealthier background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Racism is to deny civil liberties, constitutional rights, human rights, educational opportunities, govt and NGO programs, job opportunities, housing opportunities and protection of law and order.

I do not care if others don't want to date or marry my children.

So people who call black people the N word aren't racist?

Yes. One of the way to dehumanize a person is to call them a derogatory race related name.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes to answer your question - its racism.

So now I'm a racist because I am not attracted to people of a different race. OK, you folks have gone off the deep end. This is getting ridiculous.

Yeah that is a little crazy. I am not at all attracted to asian guys. I'm not racist and can be friends with anyone.

But have you ever examined WHY aren't you attracted to an entire race of men? I'm not sure it's necessarily "racist" to not be attracted to certain races, because on the surface it seems like something a person can't control... but then again, what if you have the attractions (or lack thereof) because of internalized bias and socialization?

Statically speaking, Asian men perform worse on dating sites than almost any other race (black women also do poorly). One has to wonder if this is related to the fact that for years Asian men have been emasculated in Hollywood for years + negative stereotypes (small dick size, shy, short, etc.). Same for black women- in the dating world they can be victims of negative stereotypes (trashy, rude, etc.). I think it's pretty obviously that very rarely are Asian men portrayed as "sexy"--that's one of the reasons why the movie "Crazy Rich Asians" was a big deal. And if you grow up in a mostly white (or any race really, it's definitely not just limited to white people) bubble with no positive exposure to "sexy" men/women of another race, are you going to predisposed to find them attractive? Probably not. That's not your fault, but I think it's worth being aware of.

I dunno. Religion, beliefs, personality... those are all things I chose a partner based off and affect how "attractive" I think someone is. I won't outright disqualify someone based on race alone (though of course, I won't deny race/upbringing can have an effect on the things that do matter to me).


Full disclosure, I'm a white woman who married an Asian man. I can't tell you how many friends of mine have (unprompted) said to me, "ohhh, I would never date an Asian man" then throw out some accompanying stereotype. I guess because I'm white I'm considered "safe" to confide this in? Surprise surprise, almost all of the people who have said this to me have ALL white friends/social circles and I'm privately side-eyeing the ones now posting BLM content. I mean, I don't expect anyone to be able to change who they're attracted to as that's mostly set since childhood, but if you're writing off an entire race just be conscious of the bias that plays a role and definitely don't contribute to harmful stereotypes.

That is crazy! I would marry a Korean guy - fit, masculine, cool type - in a blink, but they marry their own. Size thing is soooo stereotype, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are anonymous here, I will admit that I would not want my DDs marrying anyone who grew up in a culture where abuse of women and children is common--that certainly includes someone who grew up poor and white (we are white). That stuff is VERY hard to move past. Yes, I realize abuse happens in all parts of society--but it is much more prevalent in certain cultures than others. I would not want them marrying a man who was around it as a child--it's way too engrained.

It’s fine to not want your child to marry someone who grew up in a family with abuse, but abuse is not a part of any “culture” and you are racist if you believe that certain races or ethnicities have a culture than suppers abuse.

—POC married into wealthy white family where ILs tell stories that sound like abuse to me

Yes, one of the few groups that people feel comfortable discriminating against: those who come from abusive families. Sad and true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to answer your question - its racism.

Wanting to have your children look like you is racism? GFY.

Skin color is not the only way your children can look like you. My younger DD is biracial and the spitting image of a white ancestor in every way except skin tone.