Reply to Is refusing to date or marry outside of your race/culture considered racism?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]I think it's more to do with culture than racism - hard to have a relationship when you have completely different values and attitudes as someone[/b].[/quote]

+1. I dated an African-American woman, and we got along great (I am while as you would suspect). I never really felt comfortable with her family gatherings, though. Maybe I am racist, but I just could not relate well. This was many years ago and that did not cause our dating to end, but I wonder if it would have if the relationship continued to develop. She also told me she felt out of place with my family. I don't see her as racist. Different families, different races, different cultures, too. I don't know. Maybe we just try to label things too much. [/quote]

I think this a pretty common experience.

My first H was white and Jewish. He never felt comfortable with my family although it is very racially mixed and welcoming. It was frustrating that my family had Asian immigrant women marry in and feel comfortable with attending predominantly black events, but he never did. I think the bigger issue for us was religion, rather than race. We just didn’t have any glue unfortunately. [/quote]

I agree. My parents are both black and I saw that they were raised differently with my dad’s family being from the South and moving around as a military family and my mom’s family coming here from Jamaica (my grandparents were raised there) and settling in NYC.  My DH is white and I think the fact his mom’s parents grew up in NYC like my mom and that both our moms are teachers gave our families a common bond.  We also agree on religion - neither of us are overly religious although we have our kids in religious school.

To some extent though, each person has to be willing to be “the only” when you socialize with friends and families from one side because often our friends and families are the same racial background. To the PP that never felt 100% comfortable with ex-girlfriend’s family and vice-versa, I think ultimately if the relationship had worked out, each of you would have needed to be willing to put the other first as a team.  With the PP that was frustrated with Ex-DH, was it that he wasn’t comfortable or that he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t make the effort?[/quote]

He was uncomfortable and did not make an effort. Eventually, his obvious discomfort offended my family, including other non-black people that had moved in. He was even standoffish with a few of my cousins’ working class White partners.

It was very hard and we had other issues as well, but his attitude was that I should accept attending family events without him. When I took him up on that, he did not want to go at all. [/quote]

Should say “married in”[/quote]

Some of this may be personality you know. He sounds just like my Jewish brother in law ... but high families are Jewish. Brother in law wants nothing to do with my side of the family even as his own parents come over to hang out with my parents! Everyone gets along but him. He’s not a bad gu, he’s just clearly rather be playing a video game while everyone else has holiday dinner. [/quote]

Sorry this should say both families are Jewish. [/quote]

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